I probably am....but what is it people expect when they have kids exactly??

[GreatFuckability]

In the last few weeks I've had so many friends and family members, talking about and getting upset over and even crying about their children starting school/moving up a school year/going on residential trips, and it baffles me.

I mean, children grow up, right? when people have babies do they not consider the fact that they will, usually, at some point grow up and go to school, and move out and get their own lives. Isn't that the point? we have the children and its our job to equip them with skills to become independent functioning adults?

I do understand that it can be hard to let go, I do. I do also feel those 'awww' moments when looking back on when they were small and cute and couldn't talk and annoy me by being awake when i want to watch Game of Thrones but I just dont understand people's reaction. One acquitance posted that she was 'losing her child forever' because she's starting half day nursery. Over react much??

And surely its not fair on the child either. Kids aren't daft, if they see their parents getting all sad and crying when they transitioning to new things, its going to make it harder for them. children are people, not possesions.

or perhaps i'm just a heartless old bag?

Going back to the OP, I think there is definitely something of the old 'Elevenerife' about all this - LOOK AT ME! LOVE MY BABY MUCH MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE I AM SO UPSET/MISS THEM SO MUCH! Which is why it makes my bum clench when I see it on FB etc.

Heartless old bag :)

Incidentally - these parents who grieve when their child is at school and can not bear the end of half term because they will miss their children so much - are any of them SAHP ? And if so, why aren't they home educating then ?

I did it for a year when DD was too poorly to go to school and too old for Hospital and Outreach. It was good fun

YABU to think that it's ridiculous to get upset over something just because it was a predictable event - by that logic, nobody should get upset when their parents die...
But YANBU to think that lots of people are over the top about this and that to sob about this sort of thing in front of the children themselves is not necessarily healthy.

I have two friends on fb whose dc have just recently gone on their first residentials and both times they have posted about how sad they are, how much they will miss them, how worried they are. They will be gone for 2 days.

Both of them have somehow managed to wangle one of the adults attending into taking photos of their dc on the trip so that they can post them onto fb to reassure them they are still alive or something. Fuck, I don't know, it's just a bit OTT for me.

One of these parent posts 'awwwww look at my gorgeous babies' every time she posts a photo of her 11 and 4 year olds. Awwwww seems to be her favourite phrase.

Personally I've happily shipped my kids off on school residentials plus over night or weekend stays with outside activities they do. Dp and I are counting down the days to the end of the month when, by luck, both dc are away with different activities on the same weekend and we get two whole days to ourselves.

My oldest is 18 next month. I have the odd pang. Mostly because she will be off to uni next year and will be leaving home but I hope and pray I've done enough to enable her to cope on her own without me doing everything for her. That's been my aim all along. But I will miss her, strops and messy bedroom as well :o

I don't cry about it, but yes, I find it sad/poignant that my kids have grown up, and I will miss them terribly when they leave home (one in September).

I also miss my parents and feel sad/poignant about memories I have of us doing stuff. I talk to my Mum on the phone and visit my parents as much as I can, and my sister.

That happy/sad feeling of remembering all the time that has gone and the things you did together is the best feeling in the world.

Primary school leaving assemblies where they try and make leaving a sad, sad thing are bollocks though. Secondary school is a big deal and they should place the focus on being positive about it.

Nothing wrong with feeling like you do, and nothing wrong with their reactions either so no need for all the piss taking. We're all different! I'm probably somewhere in the middle. Is there anything that mums don't get judged for? Just live your life and stop caring what other people do..

AllegraWho - I don't think it is that different for some people. They will never see again the baby who couldn't walk, or the innocent pre-adolescent, etc. Yes, said child is still there and becoming someone potentially more exciting and interesting, but they are not what they used to be and your role in their lives has changed forever and you are both closer to death. So if people find that upsetting, I see it as a type of mourning. It's not generally how I feel, but I'm not at that end of the emotional spectrum. It certainly reminds me of my own and my children's mortality, though.

MrsDoylesTeaParty thank god for your reasoning. I'm relatively new to mumsnet & honestly taken aback by how many feel fit to stand in judgement!

That's a fair point roundabout. And I can understand that, as long as it doesn't cause them to lose sight of how muc they are gaining with each transition, even if they are losing something at the same time.

In fairness, I really don't think the people who get emotional and cry about the passing of each stage do lose sight of what they are gaining for very long - otherwise they would sink into a severe depression and lose the capability to react with sorrow to the next passing stage!...

Having confessed to having a proper sad sob about my 'baby' not being a baby any more - in context that is set against the everyday marvel about how he is becoming more stroppy independent, enjoying spending time with him, delighting in his progess and generally loving his toddleriness. I can't see how that is anything other than normal. I would just like to reverse time and do it all over again!

My sister is handicapped so my parents have not had any milestones to celebrate. That really is sad. My heart goes out to other parents in this position.

Perhaps because of my sister I have been thrilled to see my DC grow and spread their wings. My youngest leaves school next year, which will mark the end of over 20 years of school runs and uniform. In many ways it will be a great relief but it will truly be the end of an era, so for once I think I might be a bit wobbly.

While there is nothing wrong with a little wistfulness or a quiet sob in private over the last babygro, I do think it is very unfair when children are made to feel that they are somehow hurting their parents by the normal process of growing up, going to school, turning into teenagers, needing their own space, moving from home.

... another one for the heartless old bag bus.

I think some parents (always women, sorry), overdo it with giving way for every little thing. If they do it with an audience, it's embarrassing and I'm always mortified to witness it.

I know that some events are poignant but they really aren't 'sad'. Children do grow up, they're supposed to do that. When they do it's not really unexpected - or shouldn't be.

I'm think that some mothers really do relish the control they wield over their children and it's this that produces the helpless loss that they feel. That's sad in itself.

Emmah75 but nobody's standing in judgement of you, really they aren't. They're expressing an opinion that doesn't happen to match yours perhaps but that's it. Nobody is going to tell you not to shed tears or not to hold onto ankles or anything else that you want to do.

We are all different, thank goodness for that. :)

I've always really enjoyed my children's milestones and remembered how exciting I found them when I went through them, myself. I'm not heartless, I just find these events emotionally hugely positive rather than negative. Different people perceive things in different ways. I can see why some people can get temporarily upset by them.

Actually, I think I'm a morbid sod - always thinking about death and how lucky I therefore am to be alive (but how I wouldn't want to live too long, either...). That's probably why I enjoy signs of health and vitality so much, because they are a sign you aren't dead, yet!

I don't get any of the 'My baby is growing up! Sob!' angst, either. Surely it's a good thing that they grow, learn, move on to the next milestone? If DS eventually leaves home, goes to university, moves away, gets married, etc, I will consider myself to have done my job properly!

Babies are nice and all that but the main aim is to produce a fully grown independent human.

Mind you, I cry at Gillette adverts so am hardly in a position to judge others for getting weepy.

Well I'm a heartless old bag and it surprises me as I thought I'd be a total soppy date mixed with wet lettuce. When ds1 went to preschool for the first time I was asked to stay for the first session to help him settle. He ran off to play after about half an hour and it was suggested I make an exit as he seemed quite happy.
I ran like a kid let out of school. Not one pang. Ds1 took about a week in total to find his feet there and then loved every second. I thought I'd be a blubbering wreck.
It was the same at school. I cheerily waved him off and stopped off for the new parents coffee morning the school had put on, expecting to suffer a little. The only suffering was the over brewed tea, I realised I was actually looking forwards to having some 1-2-1 time with ds2 and most importantly the two hour block of time when ds2 had his afternoon nap
I wont say I haven't missed him at times, but watching him grow, seeing just how much he's learning at school has been a very positive experience.
Having said that, I might struggle more with ds2, but then that's all to come.

OP, YANBU

I am bored stiff at nativities, sports days, prize givings, musical recitals. My child is the only interesting thing, but get emotional? Nah. I do feel obliged to act emotional, but in reality would prefer to be doing something else.

I never cry at weddings, even my own.