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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am....but what is it people expect when they have kids exactly??

146 replies

GreatFuckability · 09/06/2016 19:44

In the last few weeks I've had so many friends and family members, talking about and getting upset over and even crying about their children starting school/moving up a school year/going on residential trips, and it baffles me.

I mean, children grow up, right? when people have babies do they not consider the fact that they will, usually, at some point grow up and go to school, and move out and get their own lives. Isn't that the point? we have the children and its our job to equip them with skills to become independent functioning adults?

I do understand that it can be hard to let go, I do. I do also feel those 'awww' moments when looking back on when they were small and cute and couldn't talk and annoy me by being awake when i want to watch Game of Thrones but I just dont understand people's reaction. One acquitance posted that she was 'losing her child forever' because she's starting half day nursery. Over react much??

And surely its not fair on the child either. Kids aren't daft, if they see their parents getting all sad and crying when they transitioning to new things, its going to make it harder for them. children are people, not possesions.

or perhaps i'm just a heartless old bag?

OP posts:

Bubbinsmakesthree · 10/06/2016 05:20

I had a quiet little sob to myself the other night that my toddler is no longer a baby. I adore him growing up and watching him learn and become his own independent person but it doesn't stop it being a bittersweet experience.

So many things in life are fairly constant - the same job, the same house, the same routine. But children change so quickly. Less than two years ago I wasn't even a mother and now I have a walking, talking, independent little boy. You are constantly reminded that ever age is but a fleeting experience.

I hope I'm not one of these people who ends up sobbing at the school gate, but I understand why you would. Every new part of the evolution of your child to an adult is amazing but I do almost mourn the loss of the younger versions each time.

Trills · 10/06/2016 08:20

It must be very tiring to be someone who feels things are strongly as this.

I do think that some (not all) people who profess to feel so strongly are deliberately getting themselves extra worked up because they enjoy feeling special.

LittleLionMansMummy · 10/06/2016 08:27

I was emotional and had watery eyes. But it was half pride because he went off so easily and happily. He was so excited and it made my heart fill with pride because he's such an adaptable and laid back little boy. It was also nostalgia and some regret that time passes all too quickly. But I'm also aware that each new stage is exciting and fulfilling so it wasn't a particularly negative emotion. I do think you have a heart of stone op, sorry!

Fluffyseagull · 10/06/2016 10:13

Agree Trilla its wearing

wizzywig · 10/06/2016 10:18

Can i be a heartless old bag with you OP? I love seeing my kids grow up. Onwards and upwards i say! Never understood why i see people crying because their child is starting school/ going to uni etc etc

KnitFastDieWarm · 10/06/2016 10:34

my parents have always made a point of not being like this, and we have a great relationship now I'm an adult and a mother myself.
my husband's parents, on the other hand, really wish he and his siblings were still small children, treat them as such, and infantilise them despite the fact they are all in the 30s. the relationship they have is strained as a result - their mother in particular is unhappy because being a parent of small children was her entire life and by not accepting and coming to terms with them growing up, she misses out on really knowing and connecting with the amazing adults they've become.

I think it's fine feel a bit weepy and nostalgic (I do about my son!) but it's an unfair burden to show these feelings to your child.

HemanOrSheRa · 10/06/2016 10:36

Oh I am definitely a heartless old bag. DS is on his year 6 camp this week. I haven't worried about him all week. My FB feed has been full of posts from one friend in particular whose DC is also on camp. Monday was full of 'I'm so worried, will they be alright? What if they need me?' The last straw came when she posted 'One more sleep til I get to see and cuddle my baby' with photos of all the food treats she has bought. Jeez . I couldn't take it anymore and had to unfollow her, at least for a few days. Personally, I could go another couple of days .

Savemefromwine · 10/06/2016 10:41

Ha ha onwards and upwards the grown up buggers move back home after uni.

A fantastic girl has swooped off with ds 1 and now I am a proud gran. happy happy tears.
I have high hopes that another fantastic girl will soon be making off with ds 2. They seem very much smitten and are saving like mad
Now dds teenagers.

If you have dds and don't sob uncontrollably to 'slipping through my fingers' there's no hope for you.

Savemefromwine · 10/06/2016 10:41

Herman

Klaptrap · 10/06/2016 10:44

Yanbu - I feel the same about women who get hysterical about their babies having jabs too.

Feeling nostalgic and a bit sad is one thing, all the hand-wringing and emotional overload is ridiculous IMO.

AllegraWho · 10/06/2016 10:45

Just a couple of things if I may... A woman can think that bringing up children is the most important thing she ever did, whilst at the same time motherhood just being one part of her identity, not the whole of who and what she is. Two are not mutually.exclusive !

And while I will happily be a heartless old bag, lack of sentimentality does not mean a heart of stone - I do feel overwhelming emotion when milestones are reached, it's just that it's joy and pride (and relief), not sadness and loss.

I do get all those who say bittersweet, it's those who seem to think it's only bitter and no sweet that baffle me... But anyway. I will try to not judge anyone who equated milestones reached with loss, but I will assume that they have not experienced child loss if they are able to say that.

And I will also suspect that all these victories of milestones reached must have been won very easily if they seem so sad about them ( in interest of clarity, I had two DC - one stillborn, one on the spectrum. Which is probably why I just want to give these weeping parents a bit of shake when they don't seem to realise how fortunate they are )

Original poster

GreatFuckability · 10/06/2016 10:57

I do get all those who say bittersweet, it's those who seem to think it's only bitter and no sweet that baffle me

This! That really eloquently describes what I mean. Of COURSE its ok to miss the tiny baby feet and look back nostalgically on the steps that have been before, but I think when all you see is sadness, you are missing out on the joy and pride of watching the next bit.

OP posts:

Bubbinsmakesthree · 10/06/2016 11:07

I think it is fair to describe it as a "loss" but clearly it's not a loss that is comparable with a bereavement (or if that's the way you genuinely feel, you've got some issues to sort out).

You have lost something - the baby/toddler/teenager etc that they once were is gone for good. Of course in the process you have gained too. But the feeling of having lost something is perfectly understandable.

dustarr73 · 10/06/2016 11:11

I dont understand it either.Im all for my kids growing up.Its what you do.Your job as a parent is to make sure they have all the skills they need to succeed.

bibliomania · 10/06/2016 11:27

Heartless old bag here. Also, as someone who is divorced and who has had to wave dd off to spend a couple of weeks with a father I didn't trust to look after her properly, I'm not going to angst about her going on a residential trip.

That said, a bit of a sentimental wallow can be enjoyable, and who am I to deprive others of their pleasures?

heron98 · 10/06/2016 11:32

If you're heartless, so am I.

I remeber in year 6 we had a leavers assembly and everyone was crying. Even as a ten year old I thought them faintly ridiculous. We were leaving primary school, not dying.

roundaboutthetown · 10/06/2016 11:52

Pah, you can't be logical about this, as on your logic, you shouldn't get remotely upset when old people die, either - it had to happen, after all, didn't it? It's hardly unexpected that people will die. Yet most people would probably say you were a heartless b*tch if you asked them why they were upset their mother had died. So just accept it's got nothing to do with logic and reason and you are just at a different point along the spectrum of emotional reactions to things, rather than bitching about it.

dustarr73 · 10/06/2016 11:54

Round thats a completely different situation.Kids going to school come home.People that de,dont.What a stupid thing to say.

roundaboutthetown · 10/06/2016 11:59

It is all the same thing - we are born and one day we die. The only reason really that someone might get upset about milestones passing, if they actually analysed it, is that they remind you that each day you get closer to your own death and may never experience some things ever again as a result.

TormundGiantsbabe · 10/06/2016 12:03

I wasn't upset about my nan dying. I love her very very much but she was 95 and she just wasn't her anymore. It felt like she had already gone much earlier.

Knockmesideways · 10/06/2016 12:09

Another heartless old bag here . I love seeing DS grow up. I loved the baby that he was - happy, easy to please, but a 'wake up every 3 hours' baby, the toddler he became - into everything, needed to take everything apart to find out how it worked, the boy he now is (9 years old) - kind, considerate, argumentative, intelligent, thinks he knows it all.

I'm enjoying (almost) every minute of him but I am also looking forward to meeting the next variation of 'him' and knowing that, for better or worse, DH and I had an influence on how that new variation is already developing. It's exciting!

Emmah75 · 10/06/2016 12:16

Live and let live, some of us are emotional, some not so much. I have 4 kids, the youngest will be starting nursery in September and yes, I'll probably shed a tear. That doesn't make me over involved or dramatic, just emotional that it's the end of an era, 10 years where I've always had a child at home.

AllegraWho · 10/06/2016 12:24

Roundabout, surely you can see that missing someone who you'll see in a few hours' time is very different to missing someone who you'll never see again (or, if you believe in afterlife, not see again this lifetime)?

I do take the point about being in a different spot on the emotional spectrum. I don't think it's wrong to try to understand those that feel otherwise. I already feel slightly less baffled thanks to some posts on this thread

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/06/2016 12:35

I think, for me, part of it might be that "we're all growing older and I'll never have this again" sort of thing.

I have a friend who has 3 children, the youngest of which is now in her last year at Primary school and she is already gearing up to be upset when she leaves and goes to high school; because it's a "never more" situation. She'll never have a child in primary school again; she's gone past that. And I can understand that sadness. Having said that, she doesn't want time to stop either.

ChocChocPorridge · 10/06/2016 12:43

If you're a heartless old bag, then I'm one too..

(although I do admit to being at DS1's school 15 minutes early on his first day - and I had missed him, and I was absolutely bursting to see him and ask how his day went... 'fine mum' ... sigh.. )

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