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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am....but what is it people expect when they have kids exactly??

146 replies

GreatFuckability · 09/06/2016 19:44

In the last few weeks I've had so many friends and family members, talking about and getting upset over and even crying about their children starting school/moving up a school year/going on residential trips, and it baffles me.

I mean, children grow up, right? when people have babies do they not consider the fact that they will, usually, at some point grow up and go to school, and move out and get their own lives. Isn't that the point? we have the children and its our job to equip them with skills to become independent functioning adults?

I do understand that it can be hard to let go, I do. I do also feel those 'awww' moments when looking back on when they were small and cute and couldn't talk and annoy me by being awake when i want to watch Game of Thrones but I just dont understand people's reaction. One acquitance posted that she was 'losing her child forever' because she's starting half day nursery. Over react much??

And surely its not fair on the child either. Kids aren't daft, if they see their parents getting all sad and crying when they transitioning to new things, its going to make it harder for them. children are people, not possesions.

or perhaps i'm just a heartless old bag?

OP posts:
wol1968 · 09/06/2016 22:24

Oh and I meant to say (but forgot) that one of the weirdest articles I ever read was by Julie Myerson...it was in the Grauniad sometime last century IIRC Grin and was about how desperately sad and nostalgic she felt about leaving the nappy stage behind. She was waxing lyrical about the closeness of changing nappies. Confused Changing a baby's pooey nappy. Now I found that creepy.

Later on I read about how her youngest son had turned to drugs. I can't say I was surprised.

CocktailQueen · 09/06/2016 22:25

My mil stood outside the primary school for the whole day when her oldest child started school. She cried the entire day, she said, as she was afraid her dd would prefer school to being with her... [Confused]

BG2015 · 09/06/2016 22:27

I'm another heartless person too!

I felt a bit teary when my DS left school the other week, but it's just another milestone to tick off. I've loved seeing my kids grow up. It's life!

littlemonkey5 · 09/06/2016 22:28

teenagetantrums Smile
we had 2 things at DD's first school - sharing assembly (children happy but not bothered if parents attended) and celebration day/sports day (which was a full day and EVERY parent and often grandparent attended without fail). Celebration day was in the morning, we'd have the summer production and leaving ceremony for teachers and children and then the children would go for lunch and we had a picnic. After lunch, we met the children on the sports field for the afternoon. Then we'd all go home. A full day off is so much easier to book off work than the morning or the afternoon, it just worked so well. I miss that format.

NicknameUsed · 09/06/2016 22:29

I felt emotional at DD's year 6 leavers assembly, but that is different from not wanting your child to go to school. It was full of nostalgia and memories not sadness.

TheMasterMurderedMargarita · 09/06/2016 22:30

Emotional, sad, nostalgic yes.
Full on snotty sobbing, weird.
The kids themselves are probably apprehensive enough without having to deal with adults behaving like that.

Notso · 09/06/2016 22:33

I think starting primary school and secondary are end of an era moments and I did find them emotional. Not sobbing my heart out but lump in the throat and watery eyes.
My second child has just finished his first year of secondary and has changed and grown so much in this year.
My youngest is starting reception in September and I was chatting to him about it and I felt really sad. Not because I don't want him to grow up but because I've loved spending the afternoons just me and him. Being the youngest of 4 he didn't have me to himself as a baby and the few hours after nursery this year have been a lovely bonding time for us and I will miss his company.

ParadiseCity · 09/06/2016 22:37

There is a big difference between parenting, which is sometimes a bit emotional ok fair enough, and DIY SOS, totally different league of emotionalness and would get tears from concrete.

Gide · 09/06/2016 22:39

Lol at the mum who tearfully waves her 11 year old and stays til he's out of sight as I'm on gate duty, telling me how much he loathes school as he skips in! Wishful thinking, I checked him several times cos I thought he might need an eye. He was having a lovely day. Nearly a year on, she now walks away as soon as he's in the gate.

I have parents positively shoving their DCs up the steps of the coach for residentials, grinning madly and making multiple arrangements with other parents.

DramaAlpaca · 09/06/2016 22:42

Another member of the Heartless Old Bag Club here. I've never been one for getting tearful when my DC move on to the next stage in their lives. I was a bit nostalgic when my youngest turned 18 a few months ago, but mostly I'm happy that they are all now independent young adults.

redexpat · 09/06/2016 22:43

I cried at legoland when DS aged 2.5 didn't need me to go on the safari cars with him. In my defence I was pg and v v hormonal. Do I still qualify for the heartless old bag club?

Original poster
GreatFuckability · 09/06/2016 22:44

op how old r ur kids?

my 3 are 12, 11 and 9. Having a stroppypre-teen around the place definitely gives me moments of 'omg i wish you were that cute little thing that used to lisp i wuv lu lotth and lotth mummy' for sure.
And of course I get nostalgic for things, i've moved house frequently and every 'last night' has made me have a bit of a sad moment. especially houses my children were born in.

I cry at DIYSOS, I've been known to cry at neighbours, but i can't be sad that my children are becoming people in their own right, as mrsdevere said, watching your children grow is a total privilege.

I think part of me thinks its some weird competative 'I love my kids the most because i can't bare if they ever leave me' thing in some people? and part of my wonders if I am just souless and dead inside that I just dont feel what they seem to feel.

OP posts:
SueTrinder · 09/06/2016 22:46

The over the top hystrionics are daft but when DD1 went on her first Brownie camp at half term I missed her terribly despite being the mother who skipped back to work at the end of maternity leave. Even DD2 said 'I think I will miss her, she's quite good fun a lot of the time'. It was so exciting for her and she had a great time and only having 2DC was a walk in the park but I did get a lovely big hug when she got home.

I guess we all get those 'slipping through my fingers' emotions at different times and as much as anything it can be regret about not being as perfect a parent as we would like to be and acknowledging we can no longer have a chance to do that bit of parenthood well. Or maybe a part of life that was important for a long time is no longer important, I've been pregnant or BFing for over 9 years, DS now is so close to weaning and it's a bittersweet emotion to know that stage of life will be over soon.

cosytoaster · 09/06/2016 22:51

YANBU - I'm clearly extra heartless as I've never even cried at DIY SOS!

EasyToEatTiger · 09/06/2016 22:51

My eldest dd won an award which she is going to present to the next winner of the shield. I think this will be a growing up moment for me at least. I enjoy the children finding their independence. Am I another hearless old bag? Every step of independence is a victory.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 09/06/2016 22:54

I get you OP.

I was only emotional at my DD's 1 year mark, the whole "where'd the year go?" feeling and recovering from PPD after 10 months.

But as bad as it is, my DD is like my best friend and I love watching her grow into the person she is. I am in awe of how fast it happens, but I'm so happy she's growing up to be such a wonderful girl and I can't wait to see where she'll go.

I'm a sap, me. Grin

Ragwort · 09/06/2016 22:55

I'm a heartless old bag too then, I genuinely don't miss my DS when he is at camp/residential/school holiday/whatever ........... I genuinely hope he is having a great time and I am genuinely having a great time on my own too.

I recently had lunch with an old friend who was weeping now that her children (both with incredibly successful careers) have left home, she honestly feels that being a mum is the best thing she has ever done in her life, whilst for me it is a very small part of the person I am.

I love the fact that my DS is growing older, will soon be (hopefully Grin) leaving home and living independently - I will be proud to have raised someone who doesn't 'come home to his parents' at the slightest excuse but also, for me, to live an 'adult' lifestyle again will be wonderful. Smile

Trills · 09/06/2016 22:55

They can always just keep having more babies so they always have a little one...

Original poster
GreatFuckability · 09/06/2016 22:56

I have 5DCs, my eldest 4 are 26mths apart. you had 4 kids in 2 years?? good god woman, the fact you aren't sitting in a corner swigging gin makes me think you are superwoman!

OP posts:
IceBeing · 09/06/2016 23:03

The thing about babies is that they make you important. Someone literally dies if you don't do your bit. This isn't something most people can say about the rest of their lives.

The thing about kids growing up is that you get less crucial to their survival the bigger they get. So you have to go back to a mundane existence where nobody would notice if you went on strike....

Designjunkie · 09/06/2016 23:03

YANBU. Totally understandable to be nostalgic when your dc reaches 16 or 18 but completely bonkers to be upset that half term is over or dc has started pre school aged 3 or is not breast feeding any more Confused I think we are getting softer as a nation and I blame social media. There are so many blogs (boring!) IG and Facebook accounts dedicated to detailing every mundane event that dc makes it's no wonder some mothers can't hold it together. It's socially acceptable to blub and praise everything our dc do. If you don't feel that way you seem to be in the minority. I personally look forward to each new phase and watching their development.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 09/06/2016 23:21

I find it baffling that people find perfectly normal things baffling. Actually, I don't think people find it baffling at all, it's just a word used to demonstrate the massive, somewhat judgey eye-roll that they'd like to do, but 'oh yes, it's so baffling,' will have to do instead.

Some people are more sentimental than others. Shocker.

annandale · 09/06/2016 23:27

I dislike that I feel really inadequate about how little I seem to feel most of this stuff. Think it will catch up with me later in life, I will probably be a horrible MIL who can't let go of her baby boy, despite having truly forgotten his existence as a baby when he was asleep upstairs, and been a ruthless farmer out of said child to childcare, sleepovers, residentials and any reasonably plausible provider of supervision throughout the first decade of his life.

I'm nothing like as indifferent as I must sometimes come across, but I don't pursue nostalgia either, as in my experience it's an unpleasant and quite painful emotion.

Original poster
GreatFuckability · 09/06/2016 23:29

manhattan I dont think crying all over a 3 year old going into school nursery about how much mummy is going to miss him is normal behaviour. Nor is it normal (and in my view a little on the insensitive side) to say that a child going to school is 'losing' that child.

Its not a reaction i understand, it confuses me. baffled and confused are synonyms so I think baffled is a perfectly ok word to use for my reaction to things like this.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 10/06/2016 00:33

I think many of us can have pretty strong feelings of nostalgia and even loss as we see our kids reach certain milestones in life. I tend to get over emotional with pride rather than loss, because DD is on the spectrum and it's not a given that she will be able to do everything that her peers can. I also had years of infertility so when she was a baby I did feel quite emotional as I'd thought I would never get to experience having a child.

But thinking that your kid going to camp/school/daycare is 'loss'?

Yep - I'll judge anyone saying that. No way does the teeny tiny pang of watching your kid skip off to school bear any resemblance to the grief of having a child die. And not being melodramatic about my personal nostalgia doesn't mean I'm heartless, it shows a sense of perspective.

Give me watching my kid walk out the door any day.