AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

[Nephilim1964]

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

I'm not 'people'

I'd say it was an inappropriate age gap whatever the sex. I said it earlier too.

I think the gaps too big. I can't even imagine getting off with one of my daughters friends - it's grotesque.

Micah I agree about your deduction that the older DD is probably used to her wants and needs being put above everyone else's; seems to add up perfectly.

However not about the 14 year old. We don't know anything about the circumstances here, and I can think of many, MANY circumstances that would make OP's choices completely acceptable ones. Of course there are many that would make it a pretty shitty thing to do but we simply don't know.

I've got a 30 year age gap. He's 64. I'm younger.

Laughing at grotesque and inappropriate... in what way exactly?!

Technically old enough to be my dad ... yes correct

Anything like my dad .... errr no

Do I only fancy men three decades older .... errrr no

Do we have completely different life views .... strangely no or I wouldn't have married him

Does he have the body of a 25 year old ... errrr no. Although he's got a better one than many 25 year olds

Is whether skin sags or not my main decision maker in a relationship ... strangely no - I prefer you know the other stuff - love, respect, friendship, support, teamwork, trust ... all those good things that are missing in many relationships with people of the same age

Is there a power imbalance ... errr no again

Am I using him for his money or power ... no I have just as good a job and equal salary

Do our friends laugh ... again no

Could I find a man my age .... yes but I'd rather have the wonderful relationship I have than someone my age

Isn't he like old... nope, fitter than me

Oh and just to gross you out further laurie - he's bloody amazing in bed. Far better than any 20 or 30 year old I've dated....men get so much better with age :D

I assume that the issue is that it's the older daughter that has an issue. And probably because the bf is younger than her by a few years. He might even feel young to her let alone her mum.
The youngest dd is younger version than the FB so it won't look as weird (esp because he will quite old to her anyway!)

Is it right? If this was my son, I would hope he would be happy within that relationhsip. I would also expect and hope that it will not be a lifetime commitment. NIce for a few years but I would hope he woudn't have to face not having children if he wants to, becoming a widow (because he would), maybe becoming a carer for most of his adult life because as you get older, your (medical) needs go up and you are more likely to need support. In effect, having to face all the issue coming with old age without having the opportunity to experience life as a young adult and no care in the world.

I'm afraid I'm with laurie. I'm 53 yr old mother of DS1, 30 and DS2, 23 and consequently I know lots of young men in that age group as I know their friends. There is no way I could look at any man of that age in any other than a maternal / surrogate auntie sort of way, certainly not as a prospective partner. It gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

I don't think it's appropriate for men either. I know that DH and his friends can't understand why a man of their age would choose a vacuous 23 old over the experienced, independent, wise, successful women they're married to - wrinkles notwithstanding.

Cool! I've been deleted not just once but twice on this thread.

sips the problem here is that you are married to a very fit 64yo.
The OP on the other side already has a heart condition so is more likely to have health problems in the nearer future (by that I mean in the next 10~15 years).

I think it's great when the older person is well and fit etc... Not so good when they are not that well. THEN the differences show much more

It's grotesque because when I imagine getting off with a 19 year old it makes me feel nauseous.

Obviously the OP doesn't feel that same inappropriate sick feeling I do.

That's kind of my point - age is irrelevant, it's the individuals and their relationship with each other that counts

When I think about getting off with the average 65 year old (or indeed average 19 year old) that's really weird.

It's the individual... and surely you would only bother with someone you were attracted to ... less likely when 30 years older but if you are attracted and get on well then it's not gross!

Sorry sips, but you can't possibly be as happy as you claim - you are grotesque, see? The numbers don't lie.

Again, people bringing up all sorts of off the wall things; she's likely to have health issues soon?? So if one 30 year old with a degenerative terminal illness hooks up with another 30 year old who's healthy that utterly terrible too is it? Madness.

The Op is not exactly a great person, is she?

What a bitchy thing to say.

Says nothing about her but everything about you.

I'm a miserable as sin

I'm actually the one with a chronic condition and history of heart disease - he might out live me at this rate.

We must only have relationships with non saggy 100% healthy people within a 5 year age range of ours

..with whom we can procreate as society demands!!

With who we?? What was I thinking?? WHO!! can procreate, obviously.

Now bad grammar is a turn off

Ignore my typo above

Stealth boast much!

YOLO OP.

YO fucking LO.

Stealth boast?

It's easy to find a younger man. (or an older one). What's hard is to find one your own age. My in box in full of men in their 20s chancing their arm.

Iflyaway, just an opinion. I don't think any parent who makes a conscious decision to move away from their young daughter for two years, to 'help' their adult daughter, is a great person. Love you pull me up, yet not on a poster who's calling the op's daughter's names when we really don't know the full story here (it reads like goady bs anyway).

If the op was a full time parent who needed an adult relationship, fair enough. They are both adults after all, even if it's quite off she was his age when he was born. I couldn't be with someone when I had a whole lifetime on them in age. Each to their own - what made me initially cross was the 'poor mes, don't I deserve a break?' in her first post. No, if she's done with her life with the eldest, I would seriously suggest moving closer to the other daughter for the little left of her childhood, not worry about if it's appropriate to have a toyboy at this time.

Bran - I'm intrigued why you couldn't be with someone just because of the whole life time in age thing

I can't think of any other person 30 years older I'd be with - for the reason our life experiences, preferences and outlooks are different (just as with many my own age). So I wouldn't be with them because of that

But to rule someone out just based on a number?

Well it's not so much the age gap which is problematic as the fact he's younger than your own daughter. I do find it odd when men/women have partners younger than their own childnren. Or indeed older than their own parents. My own husband comes in at a few years younger than my parents so I escape breaking the latter "rule" .

I would be a bit taken aback if my father started dating a 24 year old and not entirely thrilled about it, to be honest.

Alis - I'm grateful my father was an older father :D

The point is, sips, it is a lifetime. I've done, seen lived things that a person half my age wouldn't understand or could even hold a conversation about. Yes, I'm sure I could 'share interests ' with them, but nothing substantial. I would imagine different lifestyle and goals would inevitably get in the way (in this scenario, being a woman in my 50s would certainly hinder any chance of the younger man having children if he wanted. Not to talk about possibly being a step grandad in your twenties). Not saying it's totally unworkable, but I would really be questioning how long term it could be as well, being pragmatic about it. That's just me though, obviously it works for some.

Some of the people on this thread seem to be under the impression that I'm Camilla Parker-Bowles and that my boyfriend's Justin Bieber