AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

[Nephilim1964]

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

Some of these comments about the age gap, chill out people! If two people have fun together and enjoy each other's company who cares about an age gap.

Woman dates younger man

you go for it OP, life is too short to not do something that makes you happy and I am sure in time your DD will get use to it.

A11

I think she means physically fit, in much the same way people say Elle McPherson has a better body than a 25 year old.

Given that average sizes for young people now are significantly larger than they would have been a few decades ago, even acknowledging the aging process, it could be quite true.

Some of these comments are appalling. So they have an age gap, so fucking what? The consensus on what's "wrong" with it seems to be "eww that's icky"...so really rational and well-reasoned then (and pretty similar to the gut reactions people used to spout about homosexuality, mixed race relationships etc)

And really lovely how some people seem to think the state of someone's body is the defining factor in whether someone else should be attracted to them. I can imagine the type of shallow "relationships" people with that attitude are likely to be stuck in.

Ignore all the irrational judgments, OP. If you and your boyfriend like each other and are happy together that's all that matters, go for it! Your younger daughter sounds great (and more mature than the older one). This is a guess but your older daughter sounds like she's used to things revolving around her. Perhaps a part of her attitude is that she doesn't like the idea of you having a life of your own rather than arranging your life around her? Perhaps also a bit of jealousy - that you've attracted a new partner but she's still single (I'm assuming)? Either way her attitude says more about her than about you. She definitely owes you an apology for the FB post.

Friend of mine at school had parents with that sort of age gap - her mum had been 20 and her dad in his fifties when they'd got together. Thirty years on, they were still madly in love and deliriously happy.

I believe his kids from his first marriage had been a bit taken aback at first too but came round.

I have never dated hugely out of my age range but clearly it works for some people.

You can date who you like, you are both consenting adults and the fact that his family took you in at Christmas is a good sign, they would be protective of him if they thought the relationship was inappropriate. I think your DD has behaved badly in denying you access to your GC. Sounds like she is used to getting your attention and resents you having your own life. She needs to realise she can't dictate who you date. Hopefully she will calm down and come round.

My 83 year old mum says you can't help who you fall in love with. That its like being in a big room and some people are closer to the entrance and other people are closer to the exit. But it doesn't really matter. If you click with someone then you click with them. I think she's right. You're both adults, as long as you're both happy then who gives a stuff about what is the social norm.

DancingDinosaur - your mum sounds wonderful

OP I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time with your daughter.

My first concern is you got together with this guy when you were at a very low ebb. He's a confidence boost to you which is great but don't become reliant on him or think it's long term. It won't be. You are more than twice his age and the age gap is inappropriate. Your daughter must be thinking and realising things about her mum she never thought she would and most likely can't come to terms with this. Maybe she sees you as taking advantage of a young man maybe vice versa? Will she talk to you and explain? Is he worth ruining your relationship with your daughter?

I personally think her misgivings are valid and you should end the relationship and work on your self esteem.

I'm sorry but leaving a 14 year old daughter out of choice regardless of the fact she's with her father is a huge red flag to me and implies serious lack of judgment here.

I don't know what to suggest as those two things together alarm me.

I imagine your eldest daughter feels abandoned, bringing up her children alone and coping with the aftermath of an abusive relationship while you are too busy working to give her the help and support you promised. Now you have some random kid sucking up what little free time and energy you had. No wonder she's bitter.

There are lots of sexism judgemental comments OP.... I should imagine moving to help eldest daughter when she was in emotional pain whilst having to 'abandon' (living with other parent!) was really like the judgement of Solomon.
On the face of it, your eldest does sound that she's being quite cruel to you....this does sound completely out of proportion to your alleged 'transgression'.

Has your daughter actually said WHY she's behaving like this towards you? Irritation? Jealousy? Embarrassment?

Were things previously OK with her and your GC?

Oh for goodness sake ! What a coven ! Do you all own broomsticks ???

Fourteen is a rubbish age to uproot a child and drag her away from school, friends and in the OP's daughter's case sport. Elder daughter doesn't sound too stable now - she was probably a lot worse when her marriage broke up - and she was the one who wanted her Mum to move near her -without any concern for her younger sister apparently.

Younger daughter was happy to live with her Dad ( despite what you read on MN there's plenty of Dads more than capable of parenting and the pressure on the family of elder daughter not having local support may have being immense. Regardless - the move happened and as younger daughter is a regular visitor and doing well it appears to have worked for this family. So butt out and MYOB -all families are different !

As for the boyfriend situation - The elder daughter is making a right pratt of herself. What her mother does is none of her business. If daughter is still single she's probably jealous -one of the fact that Mum has a boyfriend she spends time with when she could be an unpaid babysitter - and two because Ms Me Me thinks SHE should be the one with a sex life not her Mum !

Any adult child who thinks they have the right to dictate how a parent lives their lives clearly has problems of their own -and to use the grandchildren as a weapon is utterly disgusting.

If the boyfriend was a drug addict or loafing unemployed whilst Mum worked they might have a point - but this doesn't appear to be the case.

Most women with younger boyfriends don't suffer from lack of self esteem -some men like older women because they don't play the sort of stupid games younger women play and are comfortable in their own skins . My ex husband was ten years younger than me - frankly after a few months you simply don't notice -it's about who they are and how they treat you .It's like dating a really really good looking man - the first few months you are really aware of their looks but then they are just "them" and you don't really notice the superficial anymore and their kindness, sense of humour, compassion or whatever is what makes them attractive to you .

I think some people have given the OP a really rough ride unfairly. Some of you sound as immature as her daughter . Yes her daughter probably is struggling at the thought that her Mum is a real live woman who has sex and not just Mum - but that's not excuse to hold the grandchildren to ransom or slag her off on social media especially when her Mum has helped her so much.

As for -"It won't last" Plenty of similar age relationships don't last either - and it doesn't sound like the OP is waiting for a proposal but just enjoying a loving relationship with someone who treats her well and whose family accept her. It is what it is.......and the relationship will either flourish or fade -just like any other relationship..

OP give your daughter time - that alone solves a lot but ultimately do what makes you happy.

You have a right to have a relationship with another adult. Your daughter has the right not to like it. If I've read this correctly, she's 30, and your boyfriend is 24. When I was 30 years old I would have considered 24 to be too young for me, let alone for my mother...

Oh for goodness sake ! What a coven ! Do you all own broomsticks ???

Well said.

It is nobody's business but your own, OP, what man you want have as your boyfriend, but unfortunately offspring have strange irrational reactions to the choices of their parents.

You did make an OTT sacrifice for your eldest DD, but given your reasons, most mothers would have done something similar. I know I would have.

How serious are you about your bf? because he seems to be the only good thing you have going for you there and, as far as every other aspect of your life goes, you would be better off moving back to your homebase.

It would be lovely if she would accept him. However, she doesn't seem to want to right now, which is a real shame for your GC. She doesn't sound very emotionally stable otherwise this wouldn't be such a big issue in her mind especially after everything you have done for her. Does your GC need you right now? If they do, I think you may have a lot of soul searching to do. Save a child or your happiness. What a sad situation.

As far as saving your child or your happiness...meh. She's in her 30s, not a small kid. If she gets the hump it's on her.

Generally I find huge age gaps a bit but you know, he's a consenting adult and if there's true spark there, whatever .

26 years younger than me...8. Ew. :o

Okay, had trouble sleeping so decided to come on here to see if there were any more comments about my situation, and would like to explain a couple of things. One of the OPs levelled criticism at me for working, and that maybe my daughter didn't feel that I'd kept my promise to help her out. Does helping her out mean expecting her to support me? Because that's what would happen if I didn't work. Where do you think I'd get the money from? Do you think that I should be living on benefits when I'm perfectly capable of earning a living?

Some people also seem to be under the impression that I'm some sad old biddy chasing after younger men just to boost my ego - nothing could be further from the truth. Before all of this happened, I had only been in relationships with men my own age, and had never even considered a relationship with someone so young. He did all of the chasing, and while there are those of you that will immediately jump on me and say that's no excuse, I do think it's relevant. He's not looking for a mother figure, but what he does want (as some people have already pointed out) is a mature relationship that is borne out of mutual respect. So it may not last long or it could go on for years - I could get hit by a truck tomorrow or he might run off with a lap dancer, none of us know what tomorrow holds.

As for all the talk of him giving up the chance to have a family of his own - nobody's asked him to give up anything. Right now we're just enjoying each other's company and taking it a day at a time. We've only been together for 7 months, and no matter what our ages, that would be way too soon to be discussing starting a family anyway!

A lot of the vitriol that has come my way has been about my youngest DD. Leaving her with a father and sister who love her (My 23 year old graduated last year and has a job in London) hardly makes me Myra Hindley. She didn't just get home from school one day and find the house empty. My leaving was the result of a lot of soul searching and talking it through with her, and certainly wasn't done lightly.

Yes, at first my friends and family were very concerned about the relationship, but as soon as they met my OH they stopped worrying so much about the situation. They just want me to be happy after all the stress that I've been through, and are all appalled at the way my daughter's been behaving. I love my daughter, but sometimes it's a bit difficult to like her - which sounds odd, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

Lastly, my eldest DD was an only child for 11 years, and I think there was some resentment towards my other DDs as she then had to share me with them. Also, her father (my XH) has been absent from her life since she was 11 years old (his choice), while her sisters enjoyed a relationship with both of their parents. This was also a deciding factor in my decision to move, as she only has the one parent to rely on. This may have been misguided on my part, but I have always felt guilty about that.

P.s - while my breasts may not be as perky as they once were, I'm not using them as earmuffs quite yet

Is your gc ok without you around?

My grandson sent me a text saying that he misses me

Difficult, firstly you should have posted in Relationships not AIBU, for more sensible responses.

Your eldest DD has had you at her beck and call for most of her life. Now someone else is in your life, she sounds jealous.
I cannot see why the age gap means she bans you from seeing your GC, Bf could just be described as a friend to the GC. Don't think they would care.
She is being v unfair imo.
It is unlikely you will be with Bf for life, due to the age gap, so she is unkind to take this stand against the relationship now.

I wouldn't have wanted to have been 'taken in ' by anyone at Xmas, I would spend it on my own. Though I can see you would be upset about not seeing GC.

Not sure of the answer but your other DDs will have GCs in the future. Leave DD1 to stew.

YABU

Round of applause for trafalgargal 👏

Nephilim I think your last paragraph explains a lot about your daughter's behaviour. She's got used to not just being an only child but an only child in a single parent family, so for the first 11 years she never had to share you with anyone, neither siblings nor her father. Like you said, when you married your XH and had your other daughters she suddenly had to share you with three other people and get used to the fact that she was no longer the only person your life revolved around. At 11 you can understand her being resentful but at 30 she should be more mature by now.

I wonder if she partly saw you moving near her as a way of getting back to the original set up and forcing your life to center only around her again? I have a feeling she would have reacted badly to any new love interest, even a man your own age - the age gap is just an excuse, the real problem is her resentment that her mum has her own life and isn't going to put it on hold indefinitely to make DD the center of the universe again. Given the background I can sort of understand that but it's a very selfish attitude and she needs to grow up.

I think go for it OP. Give your daughter time. You date whoever you want.