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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

332 replies

Nephilim1964 · 09/06/2016 19:29

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 09/06/2016 19:58

Apologies, Marmalades example is 26 years too Grin

Maths not my strong point Blush

BrandNewAndImproved · 09/06/2016 20:00

Your daughters being really selfish.

You deserve to have a life and see whoever you want to see. Using her dc as a pawn against you is bang out of order but a lot of people do use their dc as weapons be it like this or in a divorce.

I expect when she's desperate for a babysitter or needs you to help her with something she'll come back.

MurphysChild · 09/06/2016 20:00

Too many people are digressing here. I suspect the older DD at the time needed her mum more after divorce than the younger DD who was close to her dad and friends, school and sports. All were happy with the more.

OP, DD number 1 seems a tad spoilt, if you are happy then that is all that matters, she us a grown woman and if DD2 can be happy why can't DD1?

Yea, it may be the failed relationship of all times, but it may not be. My next door neighbours are 50 and 71, he us the toy boy, they have been together happily for 25 years.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 09/06/2016 20:00

I think it's totally crap to leave your 14 year old daughter to help out your daughter, in her 30's, post divorce - it was a divorce not a terminal illness, and even then I'd have found a better solution. The one in her 30's acted like a brat asking/accepting you doing that when it meant you leaving her young sister behind, so why her reaction surprises you now I don't know.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2016 20:01

'If this was the other way around no one would care a jot.'

Yeah, plenty of people would think it was gross. I would.

The other issue is biology. Unless they use an egg donor, most women cannot get pregnant at 50+, so when the man is younger, he might be giving up his chance to have children if he takes up with someone so old.

NeedACleverNN · 09/06/2016 20:01

What about my example fairy?

That was 34 years

And yes even to the other side of the country. Dads fuck off all the time and no one bats an eyelid. Seems to be because mums left everyone is confused and finding it unacceptable

GabsAlot · 09/06/2016 20:01

cant belive some people on here

the op moved to help her dd out and now shes abdoned her own mother because shes embarrassed?

whats it got to do with the kids i dont know

i dont think yabu at all your daughter needs to grow up

allegretto · 09/06/2016 20:01

Your boyfriend is younger than your daughter. I think she needs time to get her head around that.

BranTriLlygaid · 09/06/2016 20:02

Even if it is the eldest, she does not deserve to be called a bitch or a brat. She has an opinion, she could be more mature in how she shows this opinion that's true. The Op is not exactly a great person, is she? All this talk of her 'living her life now', she's already left one young child out of choice, not exactly been unselfish the last couple of years. I'd love to hear the eldest daughters side, on the information given I bet there's more to this.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/06/2016 20:02

NeedA

I didn't need to comment on yours as you thought it was gross Grin

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 09/06/2016 20:02

expatinscotland. And here was me trying to behave myself. But as you've said it now, I couldn't agree more!

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 09/06/2016 20:03

Thank you to all of those that have been so supportive, and to those that think it's wrong or pathetic, I can understand why you would think that. I'm not sure how I'd react if it were my mother. Mind you, she's in her 80s now, so pretty much everyone is younger than she is Smile

I would like to think that my daughter is being protective, but it's hard to tell as she won't communicate with me. She has a different father to my 2 other DDs and he was abusive and violent. I thought that she would be happy that I'd found someone loving and kind Confused

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 09/06/2016 20:04

It was really though Grin

If it was just a 50+ man and her being 18 not a problem though.

It's the fact she used to call him uncle and he helped her dad raise her. That is was made me go eeeesh

MadHattersChaiParty · 09/06/2016 20:04

Thank god you're around LaureFairyCake to tell us what an appropriate age gap should be Hmm

OP you don't deserve to be treated in this way and I hope she comes round soon. I'm glad your other children are being supportive and that you're in a happy relationship.

ReginaBlitz · 09/06/2016 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NeedACleverNN · 09/06/2016 20:06

Unfortunatly OP, your daughter is entitled to her own opinion and if she doesn't want her child to be exposed to you with a younger man she can do it.

Sad but true. Hopefully she will come around. Maybe back off a little bit and see if she comes to you in the end as she obviously needs your help for you to move to help her

GabsAlot · 09/06/2016 20:09

laurie what are you the relationship police where do u come up with these ridiculous figures

what it got to do with anyone else if the man even wants children thats not the point or the question

Pinkheart5915 · 09/06/2016 20:10

I don't see a problem with the age gap you and your boyfriend have your both adults and if you like each other why not? but I can understand why it might take your DD time to come round to the idea, I'm sure she will in the end.

Marynary · 09/06/2016 20:10

If you are both happy it is nobody else's business. If the daughter that disapproved was a teenager I could understand why she was very unhappy but someone in their 30s should know better. Even if she strongly disapproves, there is no need for her to be nasty or stop you seeing your grandchildren.

VestalVirgin · 09/06/2016 20:12

The other issue is biology. Unless they use an egg donor, most women cannot get pregnant at 50+, so when the man is younger, he might be giving up his chance to have children if he takes up with someone so old.

And? Plenty of women give up their chance to have children to be with a man who just doesn't want children.

Besides, he will still be able to father children when he's 70, so .... not much giving up here! You have no way of knowing how long that relationship will even last.

I'd understand her being weirded out, but making you spend Christmas alone seems extreme.
Have you told her that the young man initiated the relationship? That would make a difference to me. (

memyselfandaye · 09/06/2016 20:12

Need It's not cos she's a Mother I think she was wrong in putting the grown up daughter before the child, it makes no difference if she's the Mum or the Dad.

Infact if it was a 50yr old Father posting that he left his teenage daugter 2 years ago to move across the country and now had a girlfriend half his age he would get his arse handed to him.

I just think it's time to move closer to the teenager.

purplefox · 09/06/2016 20:14

Did she say what exactly her issue is and what was making her so angry?

NeedACleverNN · 09/06/2016 20:15

But at the time, the older daughter needed more support.

We don't known if she had any friends or anyone to help her after a divorce. We don't know why she was divorced. Could have been DV.

I would probably move back now as the older daughter is obviously more than capable without the OP but at the time, she was needed more with the older daughter

expatinscotland · 09/06/2016 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn because it quoted a deleted post.

AddictedToCoYo · 09/06/2016 20:15

You should not have left your 14 year old behind in order to support your older daughter. Your 14 year old was a child at a very difficult and sensitive age and she needed her mother. Your older DD was an adult and a mother herself and she should have been capable of getting through her marital difficulties by standing on her own two feet. She may have needed you, but your younger DD needed you more.

I am amazed that your 24 year old boyfriend's parents welcomed you with open arms. Absolutely amazed. Speaking as a 50 year old woman with a 24 year old son myself, I know I'd struggle to do it, but if it's true then kudos to them.

What was the relevance with all the stuff about heart conditions and being made redundant and using up your savings? Confused

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