AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

[Nephilim1964]

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

Well you sound thoroughly reasonable in everything you've said to me OP so I believe your daughter is the unreasonable one. I can also understand why you'd have thought she'd be happy - or at least not go totally nuclear - when she heard you'd found someone, anyone, after all the time and effort you dedicated to her happiness.

As far poster bringing up children, why does anyone here or anywhere have the right to go speculating about how this pair may or not procreate? Is it because of the age gap that you think it's fair game?? Their reproductive potential and choices are their damned business, and for what it's worth I'm sure they are in full control of that!

Also why is everyone jumping on OP for leaving her 14 year old? There will likely be loads more information pertinent to that angle of the story but we don't have it, and frankly I can't what the hell it has to do with the issue at hand anyway!!

So 2 years ago you abandoned your youngest daughter to help out your eldest daughter? And now your eldest daughter has abandoned you and it hurts? You might get some sympathy from your youngest daughter seeing as she knows how that feels.

She's living with her dad ffs, hardly crime of the century
Your daughter is behaving like a brat OP, so she doesn't agree with the age difference? Boo fucking hoo, tell her to get over herself-it's not an age gap I'd do but meh, so what-good for you.

I think you deserve to be happy, OP, but you have to understand how your daughter feels.

I would, however irrationally, find it pretty disgusting if either of my parents started dating someone younger than me. But I mean, it's your life and your choice, but I can completely get where your DD is coming from. Sorry.

I just can't understand how you could leave a 14 year old girl to help out an adult daughter after divorce! Crazy!

Anyway, I wouldn't rely on this young boyfriend. I'd work on sorting out my life regardless of whether he sticks around or not. I would work on getting a life - with friends, hobbies and a job - so that no matter what happens you have a home and some stability. After all, you uprooted your entire life for your adult daughter and now she won't even let you see the grandchildren. Now you are about to uproot it for this child? I think the lesson is clear...

Well I remember 14 as a really shitty confusing emotional time and I can't see how it's a good idea to choose between your kids at any age let alone then. But it's done now so let's all make the op feel better for choosing one daughter over another and then a toy boy over both.
Well done op yanbu at all.
Is that better?

Yep, it's weird. All of it.

This can sugar coated all you want, but the fact remains. That you abandoned your DD. At a very vulnerable age. That's going to take a very long time if ever to forgive.
You can't walk away from some one when they need you, and then expect them to do a merry dance because. Everything's rosy in the garden for you.

I find it totally weird that you would leave your 14 year old who, regardless of whether she verbalised it or not, needed you and run to the rescue of a grown woman who took the decision to move away. Your priorities are all screwed up! You gave up your life for a grown woman who made her own bed and should lie in it.

Well this one is designed to get everyone frothing and going for the jugular isn't it?

Just a tad. People seem to be finding a problem where there isn't one really

My dad is around your age. I don't think I'd accept a 24 year old partner either. If you get married your daughter would have a step dad much younger than herself! Which, I'm sorry, is icky. Not even going to be technical about it.

but tbh it's a bit weird what would a 24 year old see in saggy tits and wrinkled skin

goady much?

To the person that told me to get a job obviously didn't read my original post. I do work, and have done ever since I moved here. I have also now made friends. As for hobbies, I work 10 hour shifts, six days a week so am too knackered for hobbies, plus I like to keep some time free to spend with my boyfriend, and also save some money to spend on my youngest DD when she visits.

I might be going against the very liberal tolerant majority here, but if my mum dated a man my age (actually, at this point in my life, that wouldn't be a young man ) but if when I was 24 my 50 year old mother dated a man my age, I would be so upset, embarrassed FOR her and of her and not knowing where one began and the other ended.

Same for a father dating a woman his daughter's age. nobody can stop him, but you don't always get to date a person half your age AND have your children's support and affection. Sometimes it's one or the other.

Fair play to you if you were just shagging him, but tbh it's a bit weird what would a 24 year old see in saggy tits and wrinkled skin unless he wants a mother figure?

Nice, real nice.

but tbh it's a bit weird what would a 24 year old see in saggy tits and wrinkled skin

I'm 50 and my tits are very perky! I do have some wrinkles though.

I don't see a problem with the age difference though personally I'd never date someone that much younger than me. Then again I tend to go for men a bit older than me so when I had a partner 4 years younger it felt quite odd.

Also why is everyone jumping on OP for leaving her 14 year old?

Because, IMO, if the OP can leave a dependent child to help an adult, it says something about the family dynamics and how they treat each other.

Go and help the older DD till she gets on a her feet and into the swing of things, but to relocate permanently? Pretty shitty way to treat a 14 year old, who has a clear message that her older sister is far more important.

Then it's not so surprising that the older DD, who is used to her own wants and needs being put above everyone else's, treats her mother in the same shitty way.

Yes, you're embarrassing yourself. 24 and 50 is an inappropriate age gap

What a ridiculous thing to say.

It's funny how people always say this about an older woman but not an older man.

I think if they like each other then it's no one else's business - not even her family's. If they are happy and good together then everyone else should but out and mind their own business.

Talk about judgemental.