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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

332 replies

Nephilim1964 · 09/06/2016 19:29

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

OP posts:
Roussette · 12/06/2016 11:42

You are very much on the defensive and I get that and I'm not likening you to Hitler! However, you came on AIBU asking if it was fair that your DD was angry that you were in a relationship with a 24 yo, (10 yrs younger than her) and I can sympathise with her, that's all.

HiddenMeaning · 12/06/2016 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 12/06/2016 11:46

DD1 ceased contact because of his age, but she was also angry that he knows one of her ex BFs - something that my DP and I were unaware of at the time. FYI, I've ended the relationship twice but he was the one that wanted it to continue. I've spoken about the issue of me being a mother figure, but he basically laughed at the idea. Like I said in a previous post, he comes from a close-knit family and certainly doesn't need another mother.

OP posts:
Roussette · 12/06/2016 11:49

His poor mother. She is having to go along with this, she has no choice, she's seen her DS go through a difficult time and now he's with someone 30 years older than him, she must be worried, I know I would be.

SirChenjin · 12/06/2016 11:51

Of course he laughed at the idea - I wouldn't expect him to agree. And if you 'ended' it twice and he wanted it to continue then you didn't really end it.

He knows one of her ex's and so she ended all contact? None of this makes any sense at all - there's more to it.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2016 11:52

'FYI, I've ended the relationship twice but he was the one that wanted it to continue'

Oh, I see, it's all his fault then. You're not in control of yourself around this kid. Hmm

Kallyno · 12/06/2016 11:53

I got bored reading this thread so am posting without reading it all. Just wanted to say that in his mid-20s my brother met a woman in her late 40s with two late teen kids and one in her early 30s. A lot of folk talked about whether he was looking for a mum, how they wouldn't have kids together, etc., etc. Fast forward a few years and we all enjoyed their lovely wedding day; decades later they are still happily together.

OP, your oldest daughter sounds like a difficult character. The best you can do is keep the communication channels open by sending cards, leaving messages, being quietly persisten, etc. In time she will either come round or you and the boyfriend will split and the issue will resolve anyway. In the meantime, enjoy your fledgling relationship.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 12/06/2016 11:54

Trust me, his mother isn't 'going along' with anything. She's a very outspoken and opinionated lady, and would certainly let us know if she was unhappy - she has done with one of his previous girlfriends.

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 12/06/2016 11:55

Sorry but the boyfriend obviously has mummy issues to be chasing someone so much older. Is it worth the family rift?

SirChenjin · 12/06/2016 12:00

I'm guessing that even an opinionated lady would keep schtum if her son had had a traumatic time. Or perhaps she learned from the last time she spoke out, and is just following the advice given out on here - be all sweetness and light, don't react to the unsuitable suitor, and be there to pick up the pieces when it finishes.

You're not in control of yourself around this kid

This. It's all very Romeo and Juliet, isn't it.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 12/06/2016 12:00

If he had mummy issues, then why hasn't he been out with older women before now?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 12/06/2016 12:03

Maybe because most older women aren't interested in young blokes less than half their age and around the same age as their sons?

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 12/06/2016 12:04

Sorry, but I laughed out loud at the Romeo and Juliet remark

OP posts:
Roussette · 12/06/2016 12:04

I would be keeping schtum too if my DSS was in a relationship with someone decades older than him.. I'd be thinking... just keep quiet, don't say anything, if I do it will push them together. One of my DCs is like that and situations take careful handling!

SirChenjin · 12/06/2016 12:05

I know - I'm laughing at it all too.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2016 12:08

'I would be keeping schtum too if my DSS was in a relationship with someone decades older than him.. I'd be thinking... just keep quiet, don't say anything, if I do it will push them together. One of my DCs is like that and situations take careful handling!'

Yep. Ditto if my daughter were involved with a much older man (but then, at least there would still be the chance of her having children herself if she wanted them). This happened to a friend of mine, her only child was living with some woman in her 50s and he was about 22. Thankfully it came to an end but she had to bite her tongue for a couple of years.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 12/06/2016 12:13

I think it's time for me to stop posting on here, and just be incredibly grateful that I'm not as intolerant as some of the OPs on this thread. I can handle constructive criticism, but the vitriol that has been spewing forth since I started this, is actually quite saddening. It really hasn't occurred to some people that we might actually just enjoy being together. There's also the assumption that he's a cross between Brad Pitt and Adonis, when in fact he's just a normal looking guy with a good heart.

OP posts:
Roussette · 12/06/2016 12:14

OP - you say you've finished with him a couple of times... why? Were you uneasy with the age gap? If so, just let him go.

Roussette · 12/06/2016 12:16

For goodness sakes, this is not vitriol! This is a differing opinion to yours.

Why post on AIBU asking if your DD should accept your relationship, and some posters say they can understand why she doesn't like it, and then call it vitriol?

No one has even hinted that he's a cross between Brad Pitt and Adonis, where's that come from? I've not seen a hint of that on this thread.

SirChenjin · 12/06/2016 12:20

It's interesting that you see this as vitriol - and haven't answered the questions about why you DD might have problems with this, given that you've obviously had a good relationship in the past. I really think there's more to this than meets the eye, and whatever it is, I hope the loss of contact with your DD and DGC is worth it (to both of you).

ChipButtyButter · 12/06/2016 12:53

50 shades director Sam (49) and her husband of four years Aaron (25) have two kids. All the pearl clutchers might want to let the family know how 'creepy' they are.

Hallie berry (49) is dating a 27 year old too. What can he see in her. Must have mummy issues Wink

AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?
AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?
expatinscotland · 12/06/2016 13:00

Oh, gees, Chip, no idea, both of them are incredibly rich. And Sam was still young enough to have children.

SirChenjin · 12/06/2016 13:05

Yep - and statistically they are far more likely to end in divorce. Of course there are relationships where the woman is much older, but I'm not quite sure what the point of posting a couple of pictures of Hollywood couples (including the 3 times divorced Berry) is. Yes, they exist. Would I want a 26 year age gap for my son? Nope. Why has the OP's DD ceased all contact with her? We'll never know for sure.

Janecc · 12/06/2016 13:06

I hope you look over the more useful posts again op and get the situation resolved for your gcs sakes.

ChipButtyButter · 12/06/2016 13:18

Sir it shows couples in same age gap situation to people who say it's creepy. what's the point in posting about stats, are you saying Sam and Aaron shouldn't have bothered as your odds suggest they'll part soon anyway? You might not want it for your son but few parents get to choose their kids partners

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