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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

332 replies

Nephilim1964 · 09/06/2016 19:29

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

OP posts:
Debbo · 10/06/2016 18:54

Puddingbunny - I have NEVER said that I am too busy with work or with my boyfriend. Did you even bother to read my other posts? I was made redundant twice last year and took the first job that came along. The reason that I work so many hours, is because I earn minimum wage and have to work those amount of hours to pay my bills. Do you honestly think that I want to spend so long in a bloody office, being treated like crap for so much of my time? I asked my grandson for his number and sent a text to him first asking how he and his sister were. FYI my OH knows that if seeing the children means him making himself scarce, then he'll do it. And I have made more attempts to see my grandchildren, but I can hardly force my daughter to let me see them. What do you expect me to do - hang around their school gates!?

Debbo · 10/06/2016 18:55

Why has my name changed on Mumsnet? Weird....

Lunar1 · 10/06/2016 19:04

I'm 35, if my mum dated someone in their 20's I'd be absolutely horrified. You can't blame her for her feelings.

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 19:11

Some of the people on this thread seem to be under the impression that I'm Camilla Parker-Bowles and that my boyfriend's Justin Bieber confused

Screw what other people think. The only opinion that matters on this is yours. x

Bambambini · 10/06/2016 19:33

I think big age gaps like that are creepy. I'd always expect the older , more experienced partner to realise that and nip it in the bud. I wouldn't like it at all if i was your daughter - i might not completely react as she has done but i wouldn't like it or approve.

Write her a heartfelt letter that she can sit and read quietly.

sipsmimthandlime · 10/06/2016 19:35

But why creepy, bambam?

Vriksasana · 10/06/2016 20:23

creepy because it puts one in mind of the parent - child age gap.... there is an evolutionary reason why people aren't attracted to men a generation older. Well sims is attracted to them. But ONE day, sims, I'm not trying to upset you, but I hope you dont wake up in your 40s and realise, wow, my own youth is gone and I spent it with an old man and now there's no going back. Don't spend your one and only youth with an older man. Cos that fate is coming.............

itfcbabe · 10/06/2016 21:09

Nothing wrong with the age gap in my opinion.
My mother in law was married to someone 13years younger than her,he was her soulmate,he died of a heart problem when he was 38,she was 51 then. You could die tomorrow so age is just a number.

I think your daughter is embrassed in front of her friends maybe people have said comments about your sex life which she hates.

Hopefully she will come round when she realises you and he are strong and not just a casual shag.

Also I feel you have done nothing wrong with your younger daughter,she is happy where she is that's all that matters, a lot of teenagers choose to live with their dad after a divorce.

I wish you are your bf luck and hope your daughter comes round soon.
Xx

sipsmimthandlime · 10/06/2016 21:18

Gosh I'd never thought about him getting older! Of course I have... it's just what I have now is worth that risk. Genuinely couldn't ask for anything better. That's the whole point - if this is my youth then it's bloody brilliant. In my eyes why would I swap what I have to spend my youth with someone else? Who most likely I wouldn't have the same relationship with? Is madness to do that just based on age.

I've two children in high school btw. So not wasting that opportunity.

And I repeat, I'm not attracted to old men, I'm attracted to him

Everythingwillbealright · 10/06/2016 21:23

You're not being unreasonable at all. Your daughter is an adult. She doesn't have to live with your boyfriend, or love him, or sleep with him, just treat him respectfully as she would any other human being. You can no more dictate the choices of your parents than you can anyone else in your life. Be happy X

LordoftheTits · 10/06/2016 22:14

Why on earth would a 24yo want to be with someone twice their age?? I'm 26 and feel ill at the thought of being with someone my dad's age 😷

I'd be so embarrassed for my mum if she announced she had a 'boyfriend' half her age.

DancingDinosaur · 10/06/2016 22:43

Why on earth would a 24yo want to be with someone twice their age

Maybe, ya know, the 24 year old likes the op? Might that be a reason?

mummymalta · 10/06/2016 22:49

A lot of Bitter Bettys on here.

Consensual: agreed to by the people involved, done with the consent of the people involved.

A 24 year old is an adult. A 50 year old is an adult. Two adults in an adult relationship seems rather appropriate to me.

It's not an "age gap" relationship it's a relationship. Do Kate and William have a " hair volume gap" relationship? No.

Be happy OP. No one here is perfect. And pertaining to your parenting skills - We all do wrong by our kids in one way or the other, some people just admit it on MN and some don't. Don't take any of these comments to heart.

Your daughter needs to grow up and realise that you have a life too, and that there is more to life than who decides to be in a relationship with who when both people are adults.

mummymalta · 10/06/2016 22:52

LordoftheTits People don't want to be with someone "twice their age" they want to be with someone who they like. Why should, when morally sound, age matter when two people like each other any more than eye colour, race, social status or what football team they support. It's as relevant as whether a man likes to wear boxers or briefs.

CarolH78 · 10/06/2016 23:39

Genuinely agog at some of the posts... If the first thing you notice about someone you meet is their age that's a really depressing mindset to be trapped in. If some people really only feel attraction to people within a few years of their own age it sounds like some very odd thought processes are going on. I honestly doubt that's true because I don't know a single person in real life who hasn't commented on fancying various people much older or younger than themselves. And my social circle is pretty ordinary and standard so I'm not convinced by some of these "I could never...makes me feel sick..." comments. My DH is my own age (42) but I've dated both younger and older, and I'm as likely to find a 60 year old attractive as a 40 year old or a 20 year old. If I had the good fortune to meet Sean Connery I'd be drooling all over him (metaphorically speaking...probably...) and he must be about 70 now.

Back on the OP's situation - I agree with Janecc that the GC need to know you're not staying away from them by choice otherwise they will feel upset and abandoned. If you have another opportunity to drop by and see them, I'd jump at it and my advice would be not to play along with your daughter's behaviour by saying "I need to be somewhere" when you leave, because that sounds like you're choosing to leave early. Could you maybe just repeat whatever excuse your DD gives you? E.g. when they ask you to stay, say "I'd love to but your mum has people coming for dinner". That way at least the GC will know it's not that you just don't want to spend time with them, IYSWIM?

I also think the letter sounds a great idea and yes probably best not to be confrontational or call her out on her behaviour. I think she's being a spoilt brat unreasonable, but an olive branch will be a better approach. Best of luck!

CarolH78 · 10/06/2016 23:44

Do Kate and William have a " hair volume gap" relationship?

"Hair volume gap" 😂😂😂
Unlike an age gap, that's a gap that will only increase with the passage of time...

trafalgargal · 11/06/2016 00:01

I started off shocked at some of the really stupid, narrow minded and just plain mean comments but actually I've gone from shocked to laughing out loud at their ridiculousness to feeling dreadfully sorry for some of the posters narrow view on life. They are missing out on so much .

Hey Ho - takes all sorts to make a world I suppose.

HelenaDove · 11/06/2016 01:52

Juliet Mills and Maxwell Caulfield.

Michael Ball and Cathy McGowan.

Dave Allen and Karin Stark.

HiddenMeaning · 11/06/2016 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 11/06/2016 02:24

Yanbu. You are both adults and as long as you are both happy, go ahead but it is a huge price to pay for such a new relationship. Personally, I would probably be disgusted and horrified, if either of my parents started dating someone younger than ME, never mind someone half their age. I'm surprised your oh's family are taking it so well (especially his mum).

Senpai · 11/06/2016 02:44

I am not going to pretend to be ok with the whole dating a baby thing, but it's your life. Do what you want.

But I will say that you chose to give up everything to be near your daughter. She does not owe you for that unless she specifically asked you come be near her. You didn't lose everything and get a heart condition because of her (or stress, that's a myth). You chose to leave your job and your life behind instead of being there on the phone or inviting her to live with you.

That said, she doesn't have to accept any partner. It would be nice. But she's under no obligation to like yours anymore than you are obligated to like her choice of men.

It is unfair to not allow you to visit your grandchildren though.

Janecc · 11/06/2016 05:29

Senpai. I believe the daughter asked op to go to live with/near her more than once and stress absolutely can cause a heart condition. There's loads of stuff online about stress and heart problems. The body and mind are very much one and the same organism even though it is often not recognised as such by mainstream medicine.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 11/06/2016 06:20

Janecc - You're absolutely right - I saw several cardiologists and had a lot of different tests with regards to my condition, and they could find nothing else wrong with me. It was their conclusion that the last couple of years had taken a toll on my health. My cholesterol levels were really good, and all of the tests came back negative for other problems.

OP posts:
Janecc · 11/06/2016 07:05

Ok then you need to do what will cause you the least amount of stress and guilt. Feeling guilty is also stressful. And that means whatever it takes for you to make peace with your past, current and future life choices. You cannot control what your daughter does or doesn't do only what you do. Opening a dialogue with her would be a great start.

If you want ideas for letter writing, it may be easier to start a new thread. However it doesn't have to be a masterpiece. The simpler the better I think as the more you say, the more there will be to analyse and find offensive.

ForalltheSaints · 11/06/2016 07:28

I can understand the dislike of a new man in your life, especially with the age gap and your moving away, but it should be between the two of you, not via social media.

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