AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

[Nephilim1964]

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

Why would you be so upset though? Why is a parent dating a younger person so abhorrent to some of you on here?

Why does it affect you? Why is it your business? What makes it so different? So you parent has a boy/girl friend, why does their age matter to you?

What if your parent came out as gay? Just because it's not what you'd choose doesn't make it wrong.

It would make me upset if one of my parents started dating someone of my age or younger. My parents have always been adults to me, obviously, and I have assumed that my friends and I were 'children' in their eyes, a younger generation. That a parent could look at someone my age in a sexual way seems somehow perverted and wrong. As I said earlier, if the age gap is so large that one could be the other's parent, that seems like cradle snatching.

But we all grow up into adults, so long as both partners are adult and happy, why is it really anyone else's business to judge the suitability of the relationship? What's right for the individual isn't right for every relationship, and if there's an age gap so long as they are both happy and in it for the right reasons, what is there for others to be unhappy about? You can say it's not something you'd like, but you can't judge it to be disgusting across the board, anyone who does it. That sort of behaviour ends in an -ism in my world.

In response to some of the OPs who think that I'm some sort of 'sad' middle-aged pervert, nothing could be further from the truth. When we first met at my friend's party, I wasn't looking for a relationship, I just wanted to have fun after a stressful week at work. DP came and sat next to me and after a couple of beers, finally plucked up the courage to talk to me. At that point he had no idea what my age was and thought that I was in my 30s. For me, it wasn't about the ego boost of having a younger man on my arm or about sex - I just wanted someone kind and decent, and that's exactly what he is. After reading some of the comments, I also asked his mother if she was a bit worried about the relationship at first, and she admitted that yes, she was. She then said that she's never seen her son so happy or so focused, and once she'd met me, felt a lot less worried about it.

Life is short, and my father died when he was only a couple of years older than I am now. And before you ask, no, it wasn't genetic, it was a smoking related cancer. He made so many plans for his retirement and never got to enjoy any of them. Carpe Diem.

Sothathappened - so your mum was vile for a 20 year age gap but immediately in your next post you think the age gap between a 23 year old and a 38 year old is ok? There's barely anything in it.

It was more than 20 years with my mum. An yes I do think she was disgusting. I feel sorry for my father. She tried saying to me she didnt know how old he was....his date of birth is on my fucking birth certificate so she is a liar too.

OP I guess you would be happy for your early 20s daughters to date 50+year old men....

I know what misery feels like, so if she were happy, then I would be fine with it. I've never interfered in my DD's love lives, and would like to think that they're mature enough to make their own choices. That way if it does go wrong (as many relationships do regardless of age), they would feel able to come to me without being judged.

But you didnt answer my question.

Would YOU be happy for your daughters in their 20s to date men in their 50s who already have grandchildren?

Please answer.

Frankly, I don't see what having grandchildren has to do with anything. I'm really sorry that your mother lied to you, but that has nothing to do with my situation. I'm not planning to have any more children as frankly, that ship has sailed. Like I said, if my DD was happy then I would accept the situation. I would get to know the man first (as I have done with other boyfriends) and then decide. I try not to judge anyone just because they step outside of what is accepted as the 'norm.' If everybody did what was expected of them, it would be a bloody dull world. We certainly wouldn't have had people like David Bowie, Martin Luther King, Shakespeare, Beethoven, Picasso, Frida Kahlo etc. Of course, I'm not saying that I've done anything great or world changing - that would be bloody ridiculous, but I'm not doing anything horrific either - I'm not bloody Hitler!

How would I feel if I was 30-odd and my 50-year-old DM was dating a 24-year-old? TBH I think I'd find that rather creepy (and ditto if my 50-year-old DF was dating a woman of a similar age). I dunno - your DD posting mean stuff on FB is not okay, but I do understand the way she feels.

You've made some strange decisions in your life OP (leaving your 14-year-old and your life in London to decamp to live near your adult DD, for instance - not a decision I can imagine many people making), and I'm afraid I think your judgement is just ... how I can put this ... 'off'. What on earth do you see in a 24-year-old? A firm body, okay, but I can't think you have much in common. He's a young lad and you're a GM FGS! I know its a bit of a 'thing' for young men to go for older women online, but I think this is more a symptom of your own loneliness (due to moving so far from your old life), than anything else. My advice would be to move back to London and resume your real life. You sound lost and confused and hooking up with a man young enough to be your DS is just a symptom of that.

This is my 'real life' now. If it's (as you put it) 'off' to want to help a daughter who was being constantly harassed by her exH and to be near to my GD who was suffering MH problems due to her father's behaviour, then so be it. I make no apologies for that, but it doesn't give my DD carte blanche to dictate to me who I can and can't see.

Well... if my son was 24 and dating a 54 year old, I would not be happy. There goes the chance of GC, I would be worried about the future for him. I would imagine the woman was mothering him, I would be questioning what on earth he was doing to be honest. OK, fine a short physical relationship but settling down with someone 30 years older than him? I am quite aware of how judgemental this is sounding (just being honest) and I would feel even worse with my 24 yr old DD ( have one of those!) being with a 54 year old man.

His mother may well be OK with it now, perhaps her son needed the focus that you have brought to his life, but surely this is just a transient relationship, he's barely started his life.

So you're MLK now? What was the point of posting if you are only going to react defensively?

I don't think your DD is "dictating to you about who you can and can't see". I imagine she is worried sick about her mother and is retaliating. (Not right to be posting on FB though). If I were on my own, I can't begin to imagine what my DDs would be saying to me if I hooked up with one of my youngest daughters schoolfriends.

OP - is it just the age gap that concerns your DD, or - be honest now - is there something else? If she was writing this thread, what do you think she would say?

It seems like you've had a close relationship in the past, and you obviously wanted to help her so presumably you've thought highly of her. If it's 'just' the 26 year age gap and nothing else (although if my almost 19 year old son was in a relationship with a 45 year old, ie almost the same age as me, I can't say I'd be exactly thrilled) then stopping all contact does seem OTT - but I have a sense there's slightly more to this.

I've never said that this was a long-term relationship, or that I was expecting wedding bells and kittens - it's only been 7 months ffs! I think other people are reading way too much into it. Right now we're just happy in each other's company. He went through a traumatic time in the year before he met me, and his family watched him go through a lot. They're just glad that he's happy. And why does everyone assume that he wants children? As for his parents missing out on GC's, he has a brother that's engaged to be married and a married sister who's just starting a family of her own. Okay, it might've been different if he were an only child, but he's not.

Because most people want children at some point in their lives. He's only 24 - I don't imagine he wants them at the moment while he's so young - but the law of averages would suggest that at some point in the future he will want them. Just as you did.

And why does everyone assume that he wants children? As for his parents missing out on GC's, he has a brother that's engaged to be married and a married sister who's just starting a family of her own. Okay, it might've been different if he were an only child, but he's not.

That's OK then. His siblings can have children instead of him.

He might not want children now but he's only 24, who knows how he'll feel in 10 years time (when you'll be 64).

I don't know how long this relationship will last, and neither does he. I'm just glad that I helped him get through a bad time in his life. Let's face it, even if we have relationship that lasts for a few years, he'll still be young enough to start a family with someone else. I'm prepared for that. I'm a realist - In the same way that I knew my situation would divide opinion and that I would be in for a rough ride. Some people are incapable of seeing outside of their own narrow viewpoint.

Yes I have a narrow viewpoint on this. That's because I'm imagining how I would feel if my DSS was in a relationship with a woman 30 years older than him. Or my DD2 was with a 54 year old man. Can't help it.

I've also imagined how I would feel about one of my 3 DDs coming home with someone significantly older. I posted something above about that.

Me too. My concern would be for my son here, and whilst I may put on a front and be glad that he's happy after a bad time, I'd worry that he'd turned to an older woman for a bit of stability almost in the form of a mother figure, and would secretly wish that she'd leave him alone so that he could get on with living his youth and meeting other people of his own age and life-stage. I'd wonder what on earth she was getting from a relationship with such a young man.

I'm still not quite clear why your DD has ceased all contact with you as you've not answered that. Is it simply because she doesn't approve of the age gap, or can you suggest other reasons?

I agree, Sir.