AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

[Nephilim1964]

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

Why DO adult children feel they have the right to be bloody rude about their parent's life choices ? Let alone try and control them.
If you feel entitled to do so - is it something you do with other people too....or just your parents ?

If an ex tried to stop their partner from seeing someone new by witholding access to their children -most people would be up in arms- and rightly so - but these same people don't seem to think using grandchildren in the same way as totally acceptable.
If your best friend was dating someone with a big age gap would you feel as entitled to be as critical ? Would you encourage her ex to limit her access to their children to bring her back into line as it isn't right she sees her children unless she and the man she sometimes sleeps with have identical life experiences including preferably birth in the same year.

To say a couple of different ages don't have the same life experience is true- but it is true of many other couples too. We don't say a black person can't date a white person because their life experiences will be different, we don't say someone from a very poor background can't date someone privileged, we don't say graduates can only marry other graduates - apart from the type of people who grew up in a small community , never left for college or work and ended up marrying (as expected) the boy next doorblah blah- most couples do have pretty different life experiences -especially the older you get and get to experience more life choices.

As for the person who claims stress doesn't lead to heart disease........I'd ask for a refund on that medical diploma !! .

You might want to check your facts trafalgar (given that the OP doesn't have a pre-existing heart condition) www.bhf.org.uk/heart-health/preventing-heart-disease/stress

The OP moved to be with her adult DD whilst leaving a 14 year old, albeit with her father. She's now in love with someone half her age. The DD perhaps knows the OP better than a bunch of strangers on the internet, and perhaps has a slightly different take on things. She doesn't have to have anything to do with her mother, and she doesn't have to let her children see her - perhaps because she doesn't rate her judgement particularly highly. As I said earlier, I'm willing to bet money on the DD have a rather different story to the one the OP is painting.

I don't think you read what I wrote or maybe the bit about judging flew over your head. Perhaps you feel child are entitled to play hostage with grandchildren to pull grandparents into line . Frankly that told me all I needed to know about the elder daughter. I loathe and despise women who use their children as weapons whether it's against the children's father or grandparent is equally despicable.

I do find it quite amusing this spouting the the OP left her daughter. Clearly not the spouting of anyone who has tried to get a fourteen year old to do something they really don't want to do. What fourteen year old in their right mind is going to want to leave a life in London , midway through school so possible curriculum changes, leave all their friends , give up position in sporting activities etc to go and live in the backside of beyond with a sister who has always come first with Mum cos mum always felt guilty said sister didn't have a dad like her sisters and have to put up with her sister ranting and raving and crying over her ended marriage ...when she can stay with Dad have stability and love and probably more income coming into the home ......in the 14 year olds shoes I think I'd have stayed in London too .... Especially if I knew I had a good relationship with my mum that wouldn't be affected. A lot has been said about the OP leaving her daughter .....had she taken daughter with her apart from the disadvantages already mentioned shed also have been taking her away from her Dad who lived close by. MN anti father bias is showing again ...either way older daughter got into a mess and needed help. Whilst the obvious solution would be for her not to uproot anyone but move closer to her family herself this didn't happen so DD14 got to lose. Either her mums proximity or her dads ,and school and sport and friends and other sister . Seems like dd14 and Mum and Dad may very well have done what was best for Dd14 despite the fact that Dd35 couldn't or wouldn't relocate back to London allowing the younger sister to remain unaffected.

I read it - I disagree with you.

Unless the OP's DD is in the habit of being unreasonable - and I suspect she isn't, given that the OP was prepared to give up her life and teenage DD to move to be with her - then I'm prepared to accept that there are very much 2 sides to this story.

My son is 26 if he brought home a "girlfriend" who was 26 years older than him I would think she was very odd and creepy indeed and I doubt I would want anything to do with her.

I don't care how irrational or unsympathetic that sounds.

Oh and I agree with SirChenjin I'd love to hear both daughters' versions of events.

A sixty four year old with no sagging and the body of a 30 year old - ok sure Like I said, no issue with the relationship but love how people in age gap relationships always claim their partner is more youthful than a teenager. They very rarely are.

OP doesn't seem to have done anything wrong based on her account. Maybe her DD is nervous that she might end up adopting or having more children or that she is going to adopt this new Guy's family? Maybe you should try family counseling with your DD?

A sixty four year old with no sagging and the body of a 30 year old - ok sure

This guy is 70. Okay this might be an extreme and his face looks out of place with his body but not all 64 year olds look like your average granddad.

Lass try and think back to when you were young.
What Mummy thinks isn't going to influence a young man in a passionate relationship. If you were daft enough to refuse to have anything to do with your sons partner be it for any bigoted reason like colour, sex, age then most people would think you got what you deserved when your son gave you the same treatment.

You think it's bigoted - I think this is creepy and weird, and yes I would say the same thing about a much older man

KissMyArse

Yeah because of a photoshopped picture of someone's torso on the internet is good evidence!

Look, some of the most beautiful women in the world look amazing in their 60s. They look great. At a push, some of them MAY look in their 30s in the face. But they don't have the "body of a woman in her 20s or even mostly in their 30s". They have amazing shapely bodies... but they don't look 30! Again, why bother with nonsense claims? People's bodies look different as they age.

I had a very nice relationship with someone in his sixties when I was just turned thirty, so I don't think it's all that weird to have a large age gap. He was active, intelligent, attractive to me and to top it all off a masseuse with magic hands (and I have chronic pain, he was amazing), if we didn't live so far away (America versus England) I would totally have pursued a relationship of some kind with him. Perhaps not the regular dating and marriage sort of thing, because that's not really for me, but I'd have had plenty of fun times and snuggles.

My children are still young, so I probably wouldn't have introduced him as a boyfriend or moved in with him, but I'd hope that my family and friends wouldn't be as disgusted by it as some people are by age gaps. I've always dated older men, so hopefully they'd be okay with it, thirty years is probably the biggest age gap, but I've averaged out with about ten to fifteen years older being my norm.

Funnily enough, when I date a woman, they tend to be a similar age or a bit younger than me, one or two were significantly older. Dunno why there's such a difference because I never thought I made much judgement based on gender.

They look great. At a push, some of them MAY look in their 30s in the face. But they don't have the "body of a woman in her 20s or even mostly in their 30s". They have amazing shapely bodies... but they don't look 30! Again, why bother with nonsense claims? People's bodies look different as they age

But say the person being criticized was obese (let's face it much of the population is) - you're writing them off too (all that awful fat).
Not many have a fashion model figure whatever their age.

Do people really believe a 50 year old man wouldn't be slated if he posted this?

I'm 23 and met a gorgeous man when out. We text later and he was 38. I couldn't imagine telling anyone I had a boyfriend that age, or what we would have in common.

I'd be upset if my parents went out with someone younger than me. Maybe I'd get over it eventually though.

MissMargie

No it's the exact opposite. The point is that thin =/= young. Plenty of young people with fat. Younger people have differences in skin elasticity, thickness everything - they just feel different.

ANYWAY, I just hope the OP is not banking on this man.

I'm 23 and met a gorgeous man when out. We text later and he was 38. I couldn't imagine telling anyone I had a boyfriend that age, or what we would have in common.

WTF

23 and 38 and you think thats a problem. People of 38 arent miserable old fuckers you know

I might have this wrong and I apologise if so... but is it right you are early 50's (54?) and he is 24? If so this doesn't really apply does it..
My mother in law was married to someone 13years younger than her,he was her soulmate,he died of a heart problem when he was 38,she was 51 then. You could die tomorrow so age is just a number

Yes age is just a number but could posters on here say hand on heart that they would be happy with their sons aged 24 dating someone who was 54? If it goes further, the relationship precludes GC and I'm just going to he honest and ask WHY? Much as I like looking at 24 year olds I could not be in a relationship with one (and I am a similar age).

I can understand your DD's upset. She is a lot older than the man her Mum is seeing.

Sothathappened - so your mum was vile for a 20 year age gap but immediately in your next post you think the age gap between a 23 year old and a 38 year old is ok? There's barely anything in it.

Yeah because of a photoshopped picture of someone's torso on the internet is good evidence!

Not photoshopped from what I understand.

Jeffry S Life (DrLife).

www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Plan-Achieve-Lasting-Stronger/dp/1439194599

Sothathappened My husband is 19 years older than me, we have five children and are expecting another (admittedly a little surprise...) and we aren't vile, nor do our children think we are! We have a perfectly normal, happy life. We aren't any different from anyone else and barely notice the age gap. I adore my husband, always have, always will. I am so sorry that your dad died when you were young so you couldn't appreciate him.

Kiss - do a bit of reading on Jeffry. He takes testosterone and human growth hormone apparently to help achieve that bod.

Rousette, I agree, it's easy to sit here typing how liberal and accepting one is of almost anything...but if your mum was dating a man your age, or your father a woman your age, or your daughter brought home a man your own age well I'd be so upset.

Some of the messages on here are very saddening. An age gap is not relevant unless it prevents one of the partners from accomplishing what they want in life (ie wanting children for instance, in some cases a big age gap could be an issue for one partner and this could leave the other unfulfilled). Everyone is different and I really do not see how it could ever be a daughter's place to judge her mother for this and what is vile is to use her own children as some form of blackmail mechanism. Grandparents have rights and if necessary access will be granted via the courts. Yes some age gaps may be difficult to accept as they are unusual but to find that disgusting or immoral? On what basis?? What is the logic or rational?? What a biased world view to have!

you're over reacting to other people's reaction there iyswim. I don't necessarily find a big age gap disgusting or immoral, but I find it sad.