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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

.. to think that "I fear for my sons" and ..

831 replies

BertrandRussell · 09/06/2016 07:54

"I feel sorry for my sons" are just new ways of saying "I hate feminists"?

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 11/06/2016 14:12

Stray question mark!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2016 14:13

TheStoic - if you think a man might rape you, don't meet him.

MaudGonneMad · 11/06/2016 14:14

if you think a man might rape you, don't meet him.

How do you know which men might rape you?

TheStoic · 11/06/2016 14:14

if you think a man might rape you, don't meet him.

But how would I know? Would he give me some clues in advance?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2016 14:21

Would you not make a judgement call on that individual person?

WomanActually · 11/06/2016 14:22

It's took me a while to catch up with the thread,

It's not uncommon for a woman to feel fear walking in the dark alone. I wish I didn't, but I've had it for as long as I can remember. Even now, at 36 I try stay in the light, I have my keys positioned in my pocket to use as a weapon, I have my phone on silent in case I need to dial out and get help without an attacker hearing the beeps etc. I try to make sure I have flat shoes on in case I need to run. I've turned some nights out down, saying I'm busy, when the reality is I didn't want to walk home alone late at night after drinking. I sound pathetic I know, I wish I could be like my dh and just walk to the shop in the dark without feeling scared, but it's a difficult mindset for me to get out of, partly because it's ingrained in me, and partly because the message is still given out that dark alleys are unsafe for lone women, if something happens to woman walking down a dark path on her own, people will wonder why she walked down it.

Just recently a young woman was raped walking home from a night out near where I live, and while people sympathised with her, it was often followed "what was she thinking walking home alone?"

I've seen people say on here that telling women not drink too much, to not wear revealing clothes, to not walk down dark alleys alone, are steps that can make women safer and it's not a bad thing to want women to be safe, even though doing all those things makes no difference. If statistics show that women are harmed by men they know in their own homes, much much much more often than by strangers, wouldn't it make more sense to tell women they would be much safer if they didn't live with a man? I'm not saying that what I want to happen, I just wonder why the stranger in the bush is presented to us a bigger threat than the men we know, fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, male friends etc.

I've realised that for many women, here in the UK and around the world, that dark alley is a safer place than her own home. :(

TheStoic · 11/06/2016 14:22

On what would I base my judgement?

BertrandRussell · 11/06/2016 14:26

OK.

Lets's go back to the old compartment trains. It's late. There are two compartments. One has a man sitting quietly in it.. One has a woman sitting quietly in it. They are both of equal height and weight. Which compartment would you prefer your teenage child to get into? Child has to make a snap decision.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2016 14:27

I'm sorry, I don't know how OLD works. Do you not have conversations with them before meeting? Enough to get a good idea of what they might be like?

MaudGonneMad · 11/06/2016 14:28

Do you think rapists give clues/signs that they are rapists in their conversation/online chat, then?

BertrandRussell · 11/06/2016 14:28

"I'm sorry, I don't know how OLD works. Do you not have conversations with them before meeting? Enough to get a good idea of what they might be like?"

You have much more faith in people's ability to make accurate judgements about

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/06/2016 14:29

Sorry - about people on very little evidence than I do!

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 11/06/2016 14:34

Isn't it just standard advice for OLD that you first meet someone in a public place, let other people know where you're going etc?

TheStoic · 11/06/2016 14:35

I'm sorry, I don't know how OLD works. Do you not have conversations with them before meeting? Enough to get a good idea of what they might be like?

Yes, you generally have conversations before meeting, to see if either is interested in meeting in person.

So if he seems like a nice, normal guy from our conversations - should I take any other precautions when I meet him?

GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 14:36

One has a woman sitting quietly in it. They are both of equal height and weight. Which compartment would you prefer your teenage child to get into?
Either.

MsKite · 11/06/2016 14:43

Presumably men hoping to meet a woman to rape on OLD pretend to be nice? Or else they'd probably be quite unsuccessful at meeting up with anyone?

branofthemist · 11/06/2016 14:49

Are we supposed to ignore the fact that most violent crimes are committed by men?

It's posts like this that make me think some people feel that when parents worry about their sons, it takes something away from women.

As though by worrying about our sons, it's some how saying 'I worry about my son, so my daughter can fend for herself'

MangoMoon · 11/06/2016 14:54

Presumably you're heading somewhere with the online dating example?
Wouldn't it be easier & a little less patronising to just state your point?

TheStoic · 11/06/2016 14:56

Wouldn't it be easier & a little less patronising to just state your point?

No, it wouldn't be.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2016 15:01

I'm sorry, I do understand that there are many risks in life. But I still don't agree that you are more at risk from an individual man than an individual woman. Yes, admittedly a woman cannot rape you but that does not mean she does not have the potential to cause you great harm. I would have thought it essential to risk assess anyone you meet for the first time, whether they are male or female.

MangoMoon · 11/06/2016 15:02

Why wouldn't it be easier to just state your point?

TheStoic · 11/06/2016 15:12

But I still don't agree that you are more at risk from an individual man than an individual woman.

Then you are simply wrong. That is factually incorrect. The vast majority of crime is perpetrated by men. It is not a matter of 'belief' or opinion.

Writing the word 'individual' doesn't change that fact. That's how risk works.

derxa · 11/06/2016 15:15

"I feel sorry for my sons" are just new ways of saying "I hate feminists"?

Well I didn't hate feminists before I read this thread but I'm closer to that position now.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2016 15:17

Then we will have to agree to disagree on that point then. Individual people are not statistics to me. I judge each person I meet on their own merits, not on what stats tell me to.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2016 15:18

Sorry - that was to TheStoic