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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that the childless by choice are judged harshly?

279 replies

SadlyNotNormal · 08/06/2016 13:48

I have a step son with Asperger's, hence being on here in the first place (in case you wondered).

My question is, even if you don't think you want kids, does that change when you actually have them? Do you magically want to become a parent even if you had doubts before? I ask this most sincerely, as this is the impression my friends with children are currently giving me and I'm curious. When I say that I understand those who don't want children (because of the work involved) I usually get the stock "oh but they're worth it" response which drives me nuts, because the implication is that everyone should have children, because they're so wonderful. Now don't get me wrong, I'm strongly in favour of people having kids if they really want them and always have been. If you really want kids and you are able to, then of course have them. I don't feel as though it goes both ways though. The childless-by-choice are judged harshly (I think) by 'society' / the media as being selfish and I hate that. Surely having children is the same as anything else in life - a choice, a 'project' to pursue or not depending on your desires (if you are fortunate enough to be able to have them)?

I've known since I was 12 that I didn't want them. It's not the idea of childbirth or the sleepless nights or the dirty nappies that bothers me (I was an au pair for a while so have dealt with some pretty intense baby / toddler stuff). It's the thought of having more freedom / money / time to pursue my creative projects in my life that makes my heart soar.

Do you think that more people regret having children than is talked about?

Thanks (in advance) for letting me rant on here. It means that I won't bring it up with friends. I'm tired of hearing how wonderful it is to have children when people know full well I don't want any more (my step son is great and I'm glad to have him; he is also Enough). Would love to hear your thoughts. I hope I haven't caused any offence with my questions.

OP posts:
ifcatscouldtalk · 09/06/2016 14:14

There is a lot of judgement, usually whatever your set up. I have without a doubt been judged for stopping at one child through choice ( a lot of people don't get it, and don't hide that they don't get it. )It's such a shame we can't live and let live.

PurpleDaisies · 09/06/2016 14:17

Having children is the full human experience

Phrases like this make me want to vomit/claw my eyes out/throw things. You're effectively saying people without children's lives aren't as good as those who have them because they're not getting the "full human experience". I am a human. I experience life. How is that not the full human experience?

TheVillagePost · 09/06/2016 14:18

Lottapianos it wouldn't worry me in the least sweetie, you may think whatever you like. I won't say anything else as it seems to be quite emotive and people without children seem to be getting quite cross about it. I'm off to play in the paddling pool with my baby :)

Viewofhedges · 09/06/2016 14:21

As an infertile person - so childfree by circumstance rather than by choice - this is fascinating. I would agree that Village's comment is both arrogant and hurtful. I'm not getting the full human experience because my bits don't work? That's a dangerous train of thought to go down...

I realise that I won't have the same life experience as someone who has children, but at the same time, they won't have my life, which includes deep, deep love of a DH (and I don't believe that this love is less worthy somehow than love of a child) and a creative life I would probably not be able to have if I was juggling a family. And hell yes I love a lie in, but as I am not being jumped on at 6am I don't see why I shouldn't enjoy it.

Our lives are all different, we all have different experiences, responsibilities, levels of luck, love, happiness and pain to deal with. What we can't do is live the life unlived and what we shouldn't do is get all judgypants on people whose circumstances aren't the same as ours.

Great to hear by the way from other people on MN who aren't mums or dads - for those wondering what we're doing on here I joined for the conception and then the infertility boards and then the cat ones! Grin

Lottapianos · 09/06/2016 14:21

Best place for you Village

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 09/06/2016 14:22

Sigh.

Lottapianos · 09/06/2016 14:25

'which includes deep, deep love of a DH (and I don't believe that this love is less worthy somehow than love of a child) '

Well said View. Fulfilling relationships are fulfilling relationships, there's no need at all to distinguish between them. Smug arrogant nonsense like Village's posts can be very hurtful indeed, and often comes with a huge lack of self-awareness.

pearlylum · 09/06/2016 14:25

which includes deep, deep love of a DH (and I don't believe that this love is less worthy somehow than love of a child)

Love for a child is much more than love for a partner. As it should be.

PurpleDaisies · 09/06/2016 14:28

Love for a child is much more than love for a partner. As it should be.

Oh bugger off with this. How can you tell someone else what their experience if love is? Biscuit

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 09/06/2016 14:28

Oh do fuck off with that shit pearlylum. Don't tell someone who hasn't had a child that their love for their partner isn't the equal of your love for your child because you aren't them.

Well, at least parents are proving our point for us, rather than us having to do it all ourselves now.

Lottapianos · 09/06/2016 14:31

pearlylum, how do you think a comment like that makes me and View and other posters who are not parents feel?

Arfarfanarf · 09/06/2016 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gandalf456 · 09/06/2016 14:33

Honestly, OP? People don't care as much as you think. Brand new parents will have their opinions initially but their interest will fade as they busy themselves as their children get older.

Once they've left home, you'll all be equal again anyway.

squoosh · 09/06/2016 14:36

Plenty of threads posted by people on MN about their own childhoods that show the parent/child relationship isn't one that always results in a deep bond. There are no guarantees. Just as plenty of people might regret not having had children, many won't.

And saying that the love for a child is much more than the love for a partner is pretty meaningless. If you have love in your life be happy about that. There's no league table of love.

There is no uniform path to happiness.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 09/06/2016 14:36

I have a feeling that posters like Village and Pearly are probably the type of entitled parent who genuinely believe that they, parents, are more important than those who aren't, whether by choice or circumstance.

squoosh · 09/06/2016 14:38

But to answer your question OP I agree with gandalf most people don't really care about whether someone is a parent or not. Obviously there's the odd nosey parker with their own ill concealed issues strong opinions but by and large it isn't something people think that much about.

HelenaDove · 09/06/2016 14:42

As a childfree by choice woman there have been times when i was sexually active that i had a HUGE fear of falling pregnant Even when i was on hormonal contraception and using condoms i still got very scared of it happening. To the point that i would be worrying about it afterwards and there were occasions that i took pregnancy tests even though ive never had unprotected sex.

Lottapianos · 09/06/2016 14:43

I think you're right StillDrSeth. I still want to know if pearly gave any thought to how her comment might make others feel, or is able to empathise with people who might feel hurt and hacked off such smug arrogance

WriteforFun1 · 09/06/2016 14:45

gandalf "Once they've left home, you'll all be equal again anyway"

the ex-friend who said to me that I would be a bitch for not wanting to mother, was a woman whose children have left home. I think they are the sort who either suffocate their grandkids or rant and rave if their children don't want children.

thedogdaysareover · 09/06/2016 14:46

My mother was a frigging nightmare who hated my eldest siblings guts from day 1 because she wasn't planned, and mine because I'm not a boy. I'm on here to find out why. Because not all mums are nice. Beating that stereotype is the hardest thing to get around when you're receiving daily abuse from one. I have been very pleasantly surprised at the level of support I have received from mumsnetters on this issue. One of the reasons I didn't have any is because I was terrified I'd feel the same way, but then I am not batshit crazy.

DrSeth agree with everything you posted here, (for once, he says)
haa! Grin

WriteforFun1 · 09/06/2016 14:47

Helena - yes, me too - always 2 methods of contraception! I did look at sterliisaiton but need the pill for my horrible periods anyway.

I had no idea I was "allowed" on MN till a mum friend told me.

Godstopper · 09/06/2016 14:47

The full human experience. What does that even mean? It implies that the child free are living somehow less unfulfilled lives, which is a massive logical fallacy.

I have genetic deafness, and a cancer causing gene. Can have implantation to screen out the cancer gene if I wish. The convoluted process is not for me. Meanwhile, one of my siblings has knowingly had several children that have since tested positive for the mutation. Given the 90% risk of developing cancer, I think she has been massively irresponsible and selfish.

I don't feel that something is 'missing', and I'm not particularly taken by children in general. Moreover, it's not obvious why simply propagating the species is an intrinsically good thing in itself.

fassone · 09/06/2016 14:50

I'll see your judgments on childfree people and raise you parents of one child.

It seems that if you are going to procreate, you need at least two (preferably of different gender) to satisfy a large proportion of society.

HelenaDove · 09/06/2016 14:57

Writeforfun I was refused sterilisation when i asked 3 times in my late 20s (im 43 this month)

Ive heard comments about how "you might change your mind" "it could ruin your life" etc.

Well sometimes NOT being sterilised can ruin your life.

Can i ask the childfree men on this thread if they have ever considered vasectomy?

pearlylum · 09/06/2016 15:01

If your home was on fire and you had to save your partner or your child- which would it be?
I guarantee 100% of parents would save the child.