Random woman paid for customers coffee

[TheoriginalLEM]

A gentleman came into the cafe and ordered a latte. He was a bit doddery and scruffy and was counting his money from money bags (checking he had enough i think). another customer paid for his coffee when she settled her bill for no reason.

AIBU to think this was patronising and embarrassing for the man? Maybe he just doesnt carry much cash but is perfectly able to pay for his own coffee

Not wrong. You offer. You don't make them sit there. You are happy if they say yes or no. No problem.

In OP's scenario the man may well not have needed money. But he didn't have a choice. He couldn't decline the money, he had no say.

I have had people grab my chair and start pushing me up a slope. They meant well. Should I just have smiled and let them get on with it?

I've had people walk up to me in the street and shove a load of chocolate into my hand, because at the time I was very thin. Is that an ok thing to do, because they meant well?

Is it really so much to ask that you consider the recipient's feelings if you really want to do something kind?

Thanks LEM

That's silly though - you'd end up in a long-winded negotiation (like the poor woman who tried to give a homeless person a sarnie), when all you actually intend is a quick thing that you don't want to be thanked for.

But the whole point is that if he wanted to pay for his own coffee he could have said, thats kind I will pay for someone else's - just like the McDonalds drive through or the toll bridge. The chain of kindness keeps going for a while.

Someone pushing you up the hill is not kindness(unless they have asked you or you have asked them), it's intrusive - you say 'could you stop pushing my wheelchair please' - end of. Just like if someone tries to carry my shopping or insists I sit down instead of them I say 'no thank you'.

It really doesn't need to be overthought - if you don't want the 'kind act' say no or pass it onto someone else, instead of overthinking and bitching about it. Otherwise you have a situation where people are scared to do a kind thing, particularly for someone with specific needs because they are scared of offending someone - how sad.

if you don't want the 'kind act' say no or pass it onto someone else

Good advice imo. Just say thanks and buy the next person's drink if you don't want "charity". That's the principle of the thing anyway.

I have had people grab my chair and start pushing me up a slope [without asking]

No, that's different. It's commandeering your physical space, just as surely as if they 'steered' a walking person (which many men still do to women, but that's another topic.)

If a stranger hands you a £50 note, you've got a choice whether to keep it, chuck it in the bin or give it away. It doesn't force any alterations on you.

I think this is lovely, YABU

This thread just makes it apparent that these random acts of kindness are more about the giver than the receiver.

Kindness does benefit the giver. Research and thousands of years of acquired wisdom tells us this, what it very definitely doesn't tell us is that this makes it a bad thing, or that it is selfish because it also makes life better for everyone. People who don't buy into the importance of kindness - fair enough but why the need to increase the negativity in the world by making people feel ashamed of it or question it?

If we shame people into not considering others or doing something kind for others the outcome will be that the person who needs a lift; emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually might not get it when they need it - in what possible world is that a good thing?

no she was trying to do a nice thing.

Some people just want to make it all about them ...whether it's a giver who isn't discreet or boasts about it afterwards or a receiver who can't manage to be gracious and if it isn't required pay it forward but makes an embarrassing scene or is rude..

Most people don't behave that way though.

I suffer from anxiety and always question myself too

You did a lovely thing for the right reasons, you wanted to be kind, I had someone give me flowers recently for just chatting to them, I was nearly in tears at the kindness.

If someone bought me a drink I would see they were trying to be nice.

Ok SERIOUSLY. Who doesn't RTFT?

MN is not a great forum layout, and the default paged view means a lot of posters read the first page, then post, not realising (or not caring ) of there are 10 successive pages.

What a lovely thing for her to do. Small kindnesses like these make all the difference.

miserable sod op, such a sad modern typical attitude. i think it was a nice thing to do and perhaps this world would be a nicer safer place to live if more people were like that

I think it's a nice thing to do. Sad reflection of today that it is viewed anything other.

If we shame people into not considering others or doing something kind for others the outcome will be that the person who needs a lift; emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually might not get it when they need it - in what possible world is that a good thing?

I totally agree. My point all along has been to consider the person you want to be kind to. Sometimes this will be offering help, money, a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes it will be to do nothing.

But where has anyone suggest shaming givers? All Lozster, and others including me have said is to spend a few seconds thinking about whether it is the right thing to do for that person. And if you genuinely don't care about the recipients feelings (which I actually find hard to believe), it isn't kindness, it is just random.

I think it was a lovely random act of kindness. It was clearly a spur of the moment gesture and others have said it could be declined. As this forum demonstrates everyone has different reactions, so how on earth can you consider if it may/may not offend..its just a gesture which can be refused or received gratefully. I have done the same in the past, bought coffe for someone, paid for a ladies shopping at tesco, when she didn't have enough money. She was very grateful. I didn't consider if these acts would be seen as negative, but would have understood if they had declined. Life is short and kindness costs nothing. Let's be grateful that there are kind people in this world

Well, with no rudeness at all meant, I still reserve the right to feel hacked off about it Lurking - somehow I managed it from day one on MN and I'm no genius online by any means. It especially seems like laziness as very few say "Shit! I missed 10 pages, I see you moved on."

spend a few seconds thinking about whether it is the right thing to do for that person.

But how would you know without asking, and if you ask people will often say no because they feel that they should, it puts more pressure on the individual. The majority of the time, if someone does something for other people (like paying for a drink or whatever), that is literally all it is - a kind act, without expectation of anything back. In England we would tend to be (I can't think of the word and I should be working so need to post quickly), but we aren't very good at being outgoing so most people say they don't want something even if they do - that doesn't make sense I think but perhaps you understand?

All this stuff about it being more about the giver than receiver and saying that it is patronising etc is definitely shaming people who want to do something kind for someone else. It questions their motives, makes them feel uncomfortable that a benign act might be perceived badly or that they might offend someone unintentionally through this selfish, patronising act. We have already had someone say that they wouldn't do something like this for someone with a disability in case they caused offence.

Sigh. This wasn't a random act of kindness. It was targeted at someone based on their appearance. And the man didn't have the option to decline.

But you carry on.

But the man clearly wanted a coffee, having ordered it! He wasn't having a caffeinated drink forced down his throat. Having counted out the price, he was then free to pay it anyway or give it back to LEM if he felt strongly about it.

Tbh, if LEM's only motive was to get him out of the queue quickly, it was a considerate way of doing it.

Your replies here have actually made me think I should never offer help to anyone with visible differences, much less just pay for their coffee on a whim. I've had a word with myself and will not be discriminating against people in wheelchairs!

If you happen to fall victim to an unexpected free gift, Bears, just pass it on or repay the giver. Please.

Yes he did, he could have insisted on paying and said save the money for someone else. In fact he might have done that for all we know.

The decision was based on the fact that he looked like he was coppering up to pay for a brew. And so what? Should I not offer to give up my seat for someone who looks like they are physically struggling (for whatever reason), should I not help someone who is struggling to get a pram up the stairs. We all make judgements everyday and we respond to those, sometimes those judgements are accurate, sometimes they are not.

Not all acts of kindness are targeted to a particular person but some are - I absolutely disagree that we should stop doing this (you can sigh as much as you like), but when someone has seen me stressed out of my head at work and brought me a cup of tea as a kindness, or (as happened today) paid for my son's lunch because the card machine wasn't working and I would have had to go back to the office to get my purse - I thank that person for having enough awareness and compassion for someone else that they want to help.

I genuinely can't understand how anyone could take offence at that unless their world view was very negative and cynical. (But I do accept that I can be very Pollyanna)

Pollyanna gets a bad rap! It's free and there are free audio versions, too. The only thing she did 'wrong' was to see past other people's judgements so she could help.

Lol! It's an insult frequently thrown at me by DH can think of worse things to be called

I paid for a young lads train ticket today. His card had been declined and I saw him getting all flustered saying he wouldn't be able to get to work. He was really grateful , took my number and text me to say it was a bank error and could he pay me back.

My day wasn't going to be a good day but his gratitude lifted my spirits.

It's nice to be kind .