Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Random woman paid for customers coffee

234 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 07/06/2016 17:27

A gentleman came into the cafe and ordered a latte. He was a bit doddery and scruffy and was counting his money from money bags (checking he had enough i think). another customer paid for his coffee when she settled her bill for no reason.

AIBU to think this was patronising and embarrassing for the man? Maybe he just doesnt carry much cash but is perfectly able to pay for his own coffee

OP posts:

feathermucker · 07/06/2016 19:03

What an absolute bitch!

I hope you took a photo so we can all laugh and point at her!

AuntJane · 07/06/2016 19:06

I've had someone pay for my meal in a restaurant (not because she thought I couldn't, but she had received her bonus and thought she would like to pay for the group). In return I've paid for a couple's drinks in a restaurant when I overheard them talking about an issue at work that I was very familiar with, and two weeks ago I paid someone's shopping in the local market when the stall couldn't take a card.

I just think it's a nice thing to do.

snowgirl29 · 07/06/2016 19:06

foreverandalways what a lovely thing for your husband to do.

MatildaTheCat · 07/06/2016 19:09

I regularly buy coffe at a hut in the park and also have a habit of collecting loose change which dh dumps all over the house. I use that change to buy coffees which, incidentally, the owner is pleased about because most people pay with notes. So, paying from bags of change isn't a sign of penury. It might, however, be a bit annoying for someone waiting behind them.

The woman was being nice. The doddery man could have said, 'Thanks but no thanks, I'm using up my change.' But he didn't.

What's your actual point?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/06/2016 19:10

I love a random Pay It Forward whether it's coffee or the toll for the person behind you. Even someone holding the door for me makes me smile.
Kindness helps your day be that little bit brighter regardless of who you are.

daisychain01 · 07/06/2016 19:10

Youre fine LEM, nice thing to do.

It reminds me of that arrangement they have in Italy, where you can buy a drink in a bar but double the payment so the cafe owner adds the spare change into the kitty for the folk like your ' old chap' to be treated to a drink if they cant afford it. I think they do it in London as well.

Nothing wrong with trying to help someone, even if they get the wrong end of the stick x

StopLookingAtMyAccount · 07/06/2016 19:12

Lol, I knew this was a reverse when I read the OP but I see the OP has already come clean.

It was a nice thing to do although I wouldn't have done it myself as I'd have been worried about it being awkward especially if he was being slow due to mobility issues. Although, I think I might have paid if he genuinely had forgotten his wallet or something.

I definitely WOULDN'T have told people I had done it though - Cringe'y McCringeFace. I'm all for 'random acts of kindness' but telling people about what you have done is not very classy and posting your story on Mumsnet or social media is extra cringe'y

bigsnugglebunny · 07/06/2016 19:16

Ahhhh OP, you had me fooled! Hugs OP to bosom.

What a lovely thing to do, people like you are sadly too few!

StopLookingAtMyAccount · 07/06/2016 19:22

A Starbucks manager paid for one of my DCs and his friends drinks a while ago. They were both concentrating really hard on a piece school work whilst nursing a drink and rather than the staff member being pissed off with them for table hogging he came over and praised them on their diligence and gave them a free drink. Apparently the guy had messed up his studies somewhere along the line and was regretting his career as a barista. Skint DC and his equally skint friend were very grateful.

Hopefully the guy didn't post his story anywhere though.

PovertyPain · 07/06/2016 19:39

I was treating my wee lass to a fish supper and we were chatting about her upcoming 21st birthday. The boss told one of the staff to give her a bottle of juice, she had picked up one her having SN. Was she offended, fuck no! She was chuffed to bits and I was delighted that someone 'saw' her rather than peeping and her but being scared to communicate with her.

Bearsinmotion · 07/06/2016 19:40

So, let me rephrase with the reverse element known (sorry LEM, I think you get my point but many others haven't).

I've been on the receiving end of this scenario. It's not a random act of kindness. It is targeting an individual and singling them out for special treatment.

I understand that this was done with the best of intentions. But I really wouldn't recommend doing it often. It's happened to me more than once, where someone has spotted the wheelchair and deciding I would benefit from their charity.

Who knows what the man's situation was? He may have appreciated it. He may not. When it happened to me, it was intensely "othering". It drew attention to me, and more significantly my wheelchair. It reminded me that I was different, not like you, that I was somehow less capable than an able bodied person.

We all do things that have unintended consequences. So it's not something to lose sleep over. But I wouldn't make a habit of it. Random acts of kindness are fine. Suspended coffees are fine. But this could easily be interpreted by the recipient of pity that they could do without.

trafalgargal · 07/06/2016 19:48

I think it's all about intention.

To be rude to someone whether they pick up your coffee charge or hold a door open for you says far more about you than the person trying to be nice.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/06/2016 20:20

Reverse threads do my head in.

As you were

AristotleTheGreat · 07/06/2016 20:28

Bear I think the issue is that if you have already been on the receiving end of not so nice comments and othering, then it's easy to see that gesture as another one of those and to feel singled out for all the wrong reasons.

My mum would probably do that, just like she is getting upset when people give up their seats on the underground. She is most upset because she feels singled out and thinks its like people are telling her she is old and needs a rest.
Now, would you really go round telling people they should never give up their seats because people will feel singled out and that someone is, in some ways, pointing out that they are old/look frail/whatever you want to read?

I think these things are what we need in our society. If we start doing them often, more and more often, they will be part of life and instead of being 'othering', they will be seen for what they are, a nice gesture towards another human being.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/06/2016 20:39

I'm actually surprised at your thread Lem.
I've seen you quite a few times on here and you've not came across as stupid or ignorant.
Anyway. It's because of people like yourself that people are often weary of helping as they're accused of being patronising and interfering.

CombineBananaFister · 07/06/2016 20:42

I like doing random acts of kindness as long as they aren't done for show - Ds 6 does them for Advent to show his gratefulness for what he receives at xmas. There is no 'type' of person that is targeted, so no pity involved, they could be millionaires for all I know . Often we don't know who benefits from the act if its leaving a book or a daybus ticket somewhere for further use when we're done with it.

I've had it happen to me and didn't feel singled out or anything, I just thought it was a lovely gesture and accepted with good grace. As someone said, it's the intention behind the action that counts not always just the action itself. Sometimes its just about being in a certain place at a certain time

PausingFlatly · 07/06/2016 20:44

Bear, I completely understand what you're saying.

And it's not all about the intention - because this is a two-party transaction and both parties get to have feelings, not just the "giver".

But I can't quite articulate more than that right now. I don't want people to be paralysed by anxiety and cease doing kindnesses in the world. But I can't offer a magic formula for not getting it wrong.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 07/06/2016 20:53

Anyway. It's because of people like yourself that people are often weary of helping as they're accused of being patronising and interfering.

Anyway. RTFT

Loubilou09 · 07/06/2016 20:59

TrickyD - you have completely misunderstood my post but that's okay I understand some are slow on the uptake.

I posted knowing full well it was a reverse, hence specifying that I thought it was a particularly odd thing to do.

Nothing spiteful about it, just an observation that it was a really odd thing to post a reverse about. I can't really understand what on earth would motivate me to come home from buying someone a coffee and post about it on a mums forum, let alone try and make out it was someone else, then try and make out it was because I was anxious, blah blah blah. The only motivation I can see is that the OP wants some kind of recognition for what she did which is again quite frankly odd.

Plaintalkin · 07/06/2016 21:02

I do this type of thing as often as I can afford to.

I do it anonymously, might be leaving a coffee hanging, or paying for an elderly couple in a cafe , so when they ask for the bill the staff would just say it's been settled for you.

Just random acts of kindness . I don't ask for applause or even acknowledgement. I do it because the world can be a shitty place. I don't do it to befriend or belittle anyone.

Sometimes it just nice to be not heed of a kindness.

I'm saddened to see that some posters see darkness in an action intended to bring a little sunshine. Won't stop me - I guess I really do believe in paying it forward !

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 07/06/2016 21:09

I'm saddened to see that some posters see darkness in an action intended to bring a little sunshine

Yes, Plaintalkin. I was trying to think how to phrase this without sounding like a complete bitch and I couldn't do it. I agree completely with you. There was no malice in OP's actions and it was not a comment on the man's inability to pay himself - it was simply a kind gesture and I feel sorry for those who view it otherwise.

Geordiegirl79 · 07/06/2016 21:11

Plaintalkin, I am with you. A little anonymous gesture, so someone gets a nice surprise and everyone gets a warm fuzzy glow. Too much shit in the world already and if you can brighten someone's day, why not?

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 21:21

Aww, forever and Raa, what lovely stories! 💐💐

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 21:25

Sorry in advance, Bear - but if the person after me happens to be in a wheelchair the next time I do this, I will still be buying their drink!

Any chips on their shoulder aren't my responsibility - just like it's none of my business whether they choose to pass it on or just take.

A gift's a gift if it's free :)

Bearsinmotion · 07/06/2016 21:31

And it's not all about the intention - because this is a two-party transaction and both parties get to have feelings, not just the "giver".

Exactly! I find it bizarre to say it is all about intent, so that means the feelings of the recipient are irrelevant. If the recipient feels judged, humiliated, or even just really uncomfortable is that ok, just because the giver meant well?

I'm not telling people to stop offering seats on the tube. I'm not telling anyone anything other than if you regularly offer unsolicited charity to strangers, it may not always give them the same fuzzy feeling it gives you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10