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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Random woman paid for customers coffee

234 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 07/06/2016 17:27

A gentleman came into the cafe and ordered a latte. He was a bit doddery and scruffy and was counting his money from money bags (checking he had enough i think). another customer paid for his coffee when she settled her bill for no reason.

AIBU to think this was patronising and embarrassing for the man? Maybe he just doesnt carry much cash but is perfectly able to pay for his own coffee

OP posts:

starry0ne · 08/06/2016 07:18

This might not fit the criteria but I waited at supermarket with DC (8) a couple of months ago..The woman must of spent 20 minutes by the time we had got there before she noticed we were waiting..( I would of gone and got a cup of tea if I had known she would be that long..Anyway she eventually realised and paid so it was our turn..She came over and gave my DC a milky way for waiting so patiently.
This was not required , if she hadn't done it I would not of thought anything else about her...However it really was a lovely gesture. It also praised my DS for been typically British child who can queue like the rest of us

Bearsinmotion · 08/06/2016 09:01

Erm, no one has told anyone not to perform random acts of kindness. Just to urge caution that if you are targeting someone who looks "needy" to you and deciding to help them without asking them first.

If you don't care how the recipient feels then frankly that does say more about you than them. LEM clearly doesn't fall in to this bracket, hence her post.

If anyone doesn't understand the issue, try googling the charity model of disability.

MiffleTheIntrovert · 08/06/2016 09:30

I hear you Bears.

The key word is random acts of kindness not targeted acts of kindness.

Someone leaving money for the next person to appear in the shop to have something paid for - fine and lovely. Someone saying "I'll pay for that" to the sales assistant, not to me, as I (usually scruffy and always slow ) try to get the coins out of my purse - not so fine and lovely. It makes me feel that either they're fed up of me holding them up or they pity me.

Truly genuine random acts are fine and lovely. We could all do with more kindness in our lives but if there is one thing people with disabilities need more of in our lives it's sensitivity. Sometimes just being sensitive is kind enough.

splendide · 08/06/2016 09:41

This happened to me once! I was having dinner with a friend and when we went to pay the waiter said that the man on the next table (who we'd actually noticed because he was pissed as anything and with an irritated looking and extremely glamorous woman) had paid our bill!

PausingFlatly · 08/06/2016 11:09

And just for the record, in case anyone's getting nervous about helping, I'm almost always grateful for practical offers of help. I recently dropped something when out in a wheelchair, and some kind soul bent down for it.

They did it nicely, without making an issue.

Also if people offer, but understand and move on if I say, "Thanks, but I don't need help right now," that's fine, and I'm glad they asked because of the times when help is really useful.

Like Bear says, a bit of sensitivity...

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 11:14

Yes but if you were of Bear's mindset you may have decided he "chose" you out of pity because you weren't as glam ....therefore it wasn't random and you should be offended.

Bear is assuming motives from strangers and assuming that motive is a poor one with no evidence. That is sad and really not very fair. In that situation I'd prefer to (in the absence of evidence to the contrary) assume their motives are good and enjoy and appreciate the gesture......if I'm wrong so what.....they are a stranger I'm never going to see them again so why not let them make me feel good not bad ?

tupperwareAARGGH · 08/06/2016 11:24

I've had meals paid for em before by unknown people, bloody loved it and I wasn't stuffy. One meal was oysters and champagne

tupperwareAARGGH · 08/06/2016 11:24

scruffy even!

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 11:28

Maybe there's an element of previous bad experience though. I do hear Bear and she reminds me of a friend who is fiercely independent and is sometimes over tuned to thinking there is an element of pity when they'd have received the exact same nice gesture if they weren't in a chair and their assumptions are misplaced (if this wasn't MN I'd be wondering if it was her as she has a strong attachment to a celebrity known as Bear sometimes lol). Maybe it's wrong but I'd rather think the best of people rather than the worst ......if I think the worst then I'm potentially allowing them to spoil the rest of my day when I could be allowing them to make my day nicer. Why would I give that power to someone I'll never see again in my life ?

opheliaamongthelillies · 08/06/2016 11:30

I love random acts of kindness. It doesn't always have to be about paying for something. Where I work means we often have really vulnerable people pop in, these are people that are often ignored, derided etc and life really has beaten them down. Just a smile and a chat , treating them as a human and not the way they expect to be treated (like shit)can really change someone's day or even life. I know this because somebody was very kind to me once when I was one of the beaten down and I have never forgotten it. However I am not so deluded that they might just wish I would fuck off and leave them alone! :)

LurkingHusband · 08/06/2016 11:39

Went for a meal at a Brewers Fayre last year with DW and DS. As we sat down a man at the next table offered us the voucher they give you for a discounted meal if you're a guest they're not supposed to be transferable as he would be leaving before dinner.

It saved us £15. I was really proud when DS said we I should pay it forward. One day I'll ask him what he did with it .

If I ever park somewhere that uses a prepaid ticket and go with time left on it, I try to leave it by the ticket machine for the next person again you're not supposed to. Sadly becoming less common with pay-by-app.

Shinyshoes2 · 08/06/2016 11:40

I was in a McDonald's about a year or so ago , 2 young lads came in, it was a very hot day , they'd just done sports day and asked for some water as they were very thirsty ,
I asked if they were hungry too, they said they were as they'd only had a cracker each at school .
I told them to choose anything from the menu and I'd pay .
They got a Big Mac meal each , thanked me and left
Another time , an elderly lady in front of me in the queue at the Co-op bought 3 bananas but was 10p short ... She was about to put one back , so I stepped in and gave her 20p ....she thanked me and pocketed the change !!
Again a young boy about 10yo didn't have enough for sweets so I gave him money .......
There's many more like this ..... I do it because I want to and I like to do a good deed ....... I think more people should be nicer to eachother so stories like this are the norm and not worthy of " news "

Bearsinmotion · 08/06/2016 11:49

miffle, that's spot on, and pausing too. Practical offers of help, great. And if someone says they don't need help, accept and move on. Also great.

Not sure why you are singling me out trafalgargal, given that I completely agree with both posters above.

People are coming here sharing their experiences of being the recipient. Several of those who have shared their experience are disabled people who have found the experience uncomfortable, because it was forced on them because they are disabled.

As a result I have been accused of being professionally offended, I have a chip in my shoulder, no real problems to worry about and jaded with life. Oh, and my experience as a disabled person is irrelevant, as long as it makes the giver feel warm and fuzzy.

And this is all from people who think they are kind :(

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 13:04

If that's what you've taken from my post then I've expressed myself really badly .......or you are looking to alwaysfind the bad in people instead of the good

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 13:12

I still don't get why you'd assume if anyone offers you a kindness it must be because you are disabled. If that was the case surely the only people to receive a kindness would be those with disabilities and looking at the posts above that doesn't seem to be the case. It took me years to accept a kindness given graciously and stop wondering what people's ulterior motive must be. Eventually I learned that for every person with an agenda there were many more who were simply nice people.

MrJones1977 · 08/06/2016 13:44

How rude of her, I would be mortified if in this day and age someone made a selfish act of kindness towards me. Oh hold on, I mean that such an act of kindness could well make my day as there seems to be a lack of it.

BoboBunnyH0p · 08/06/2016 14:03

It was a lovely gesture, it was probably a random act of kindness. Ybvu

KacieB · 08/06/2016 14:18

Ok SERIOUSLY. Who doesn't RTFT? Put your hand up by making a mean comment in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

LineyReborn · 08/06/2016 14:28

Well I've only read the OP and it seems obvious to me that LEM - the OP - is the woman who paid for the coffee and now she's second-guessing herself.

I reckon she'll come clean after a few pages.

Bearsinmotion · 08/06/2016 14:35

I still don't get why you'd assume if anyone offers you a kindness it must be because you are disabled

I don't. But OP explicitly said she did it because he was old and doddery.

All of the random acts of kindness are, well, random. But this wasn't.

I came on here to support OP, who clearly has more empathy than many on this thread. Really wish I hadn't bothered

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 15:00

If I'm going to offer my seat on a train to someone it'll be to someone who looks like they need it (more than me ) I'm not going to offer it to a healthy looking 20 something if there's a little old lady or someone on crutches standing.

However it's an offer to be accepted or declined.

Why would this be wrong?

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 15:07

Most acts of kindness are to fulfil a perceived need so no they probably are never completely random but they are random by the fact it's the person who happens to be in front of you in the line. It's a bit like the bloke who automatically holds the door open for anyone behind him but gets an earful from the person because their perception is he's doing it because she's a woman . Their assumption .......without any evidence either way.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 08/06/2016 15:10

I think Bears has actually been given an unfair hearing to be fair. I am really hoping the guy didn't feel uncomfortable. I heard laughing when i left but i was embarrased so didn't hang around.

To clarify i didn't buy the coffee because he was old but because he was scrabbling with his change in money bags. I was paying my bill and thought right if ive enough to buy his coffee with MY change i will. I did so i did. i hadn't really put any more thought into it than that.

But i think bear makes the point i was trying to work through in my own head. It was probably a bit of a faux pas as he may have felt pitied. In my defense I'd never do this if someone was disabled.

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 15:12

Sometimes those assumptions might be wrong but on the whole I'd rather risk rewarding someone with an agenda with a smile when they didn't deserve it than be a cow to someone whose motives were pure and ruin their day. Overall karma will take care of those who got an undeserved reward anyway.

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 15:15

If it was unwelcome you'd have heard an uncomfortable silence not laughter.

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