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AIBU?

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Original poster

Random woman paid for customers coffee

234 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 07/06/2016 17:27

A gentleman came into the cafe and ordered a latte. He was a bit doddery and scruffy and was counting his money from money bags (checking he had enough i think). another customer paid for his coffee when she settled her bill for no reason.

AIBU to think this was patronising and embarrassing for the man? Maybe he just doesnt carry much cash but is perfectly able to pay for his own coffee Hmm

OP posts:
PirateFairy45 · 07/06/2016 21:37

It's called being KIND and CARING.

lozster · 07/06/2016 21:51

The receivers feelings are valid! I gave my story upthread. We were embarrassed, uncomfortable and our little shopping trip to spend some pocket money was spoilt because of those feelings. We didn't think for a second that the man who swooped in and paid for our bits and bobs didn't mean well but it is possible to both understand that and feel bad at the same time. That's not a contradiction. The man in the coffee shop WAS singled out because of assumptions about his appearance, age and cash flow. He may feel self conscious next time going in with coins and counting them out as this time it drew unsolicited attention to him. There is a bit of a stigma about paying with small change as it takes all of a few seconds more to pay and it insinuates that you have nothing bigger to pay with. This may or may not be the case but it is no ones business bar the individuals. There is a reason the Bank of England reckons that tonnes of 1p and 2p coins are out of circulation ensconced in drawers and boxes just begging to be realised and used to pay for a coffee Grin

KacieB · 07/06/2016 21:57

It's always fucking irritating mildly amusing to see who hasn't bothered to RTFT I guess.

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 22:00

Random acts of kindness "work" on a scattergun approach. There is no conflict in my saying that chips on the recipient's shoulder aren't my problem. I'm not expecting fawning gratitude - or anything at all.

If someone feels bad when a stranger does something nice for them, it's their issue. Also their choice whether to change their attitude or not. It has nothing to do with me. It's simply what it is.

trafalgargal · 07/06/2016 22:06

I'm with garlic steak on this. Other people's chips are their problem. If they want to read non existent agendas or motivations into my actions that's up to them.

Recently I bumped into a woman I'd met once before a few years ago and she thanked me for helping her get a photo of her with a favourite celebrity when we'd met before. I remembered her but I only had a vague memory of what I'd done as to me it wasn't big but to her it was clearly a big deal. I'd just been happy to help her out and would have done it for anyone and not given it another thought. Pretty much like RAoK cups of coffee once done its forgotten. If someone claimed I had an agenda for something I did then didn't give another thought to....I'd think they were barking but it wouldn't stop me doing it again.

Sparklesilverglitter · 07/06/2016 22:07

It was a kind gesture, need more of that in the world.

Bearsinmotion · 07/06/2016 22:10

There is no conflict in my saying that chips on the recipient's shoulder aren't my problem. I'm not expecting fawning gratitude - or anything at all.

So why the fuck are you doing it? if you don't care how the recipient feels then you aren't doing it for them at all. That is not kindness I'm my book, just random Confused

Bearsinmotion · 07/06/2016 22:11

*in my book

Hoppinggreen · 07/06/2016 22:16

At least the bitch didn't get him a muffin as well - that would have been a step too far!!

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 22:17

Yep, Bears, you got it Grin It's just random.

F33lingFruity · 07/06/2016 22:24

It is known as "random acts of kindness"

You should try it some time

steff13 · 07/06/2016 22:26

It's called a Random Act of Kindness (RAK). If someone does it for you, you're supposed to pay it forward.

user7755 · 07/06/2016 22:30

Without going into detail I do this sort of thing a lot in varying degrees.

It is not in order to make the person feel grateful or fuzzy, not to make me feel smug but because I think if we were all kinder to each other the world would be a much nicer place. It's not 'othering' if you do it for everyone and thats the whole point of pay it forward. If someone does something kind for you, you are more inclined to do something kind for someone else.

lozster · 07/06/2016 22:34

But GarlicSteak the point here is it wasn't a random gesture, it was targeted based on assumptions about the mans appearance and behaviour. It wasn't any old person in the coffee queue selected at random it was someone who the OP felt sorry for. The man may have realised this and who wants to be pitied?

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 22:34

Exactly, user. It just pumps a tiny bit more kindness into the world.

Bearsinmotion · 07/06/2016 22:38

Yes, I saw that lozster. It could be a nice gesture, but it might spoil someone's day, put them off returning to favourite haunts in case it happens again etc.

i find it genuinely bizarre that people think as long as they meant well it's ok.

Random act of kindness is paying for the person behind you, independently of who they are. Not targeting an individual and forcing help on them.

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 22:38

It is still not her problem, lozster!

This line of 'reasoning' is just an excuse not to offer a nice thing: what if they feel this, that and the other? Ohhh, don't want to offend, best do nothing ... Hmm

LEM isn't a mind reader. She isn't expected to be a mind reader. She bought a man a coffee.

Anyone seeing an ulterior motive is only displaying their own, not-so-kind, worldview. Maybe they'll catch on in the end!

GarlicSteak · 07/06/2016 22:43

Jeez. One day last week I bought a coffee and a cake for one of the homeless people (we only have two!) I got gluten-free & dairy-free, just in case, but it turned out she wasn't fussy anyway.

I'm obviously a condescending bitch who should restrict her random gifts to recipients who are obviously without need ... just so everyone can be sure there was no agenda!

This conversation demonstrates why I agree RAKs are a good thing Wink

Judydreamsofhorses · 07/06/2016 22:55

I have never done this, but have often given people £1 for the parking meters outside my work if I'm asked for change of £2/£5. I hope they think it's a nice thing and feel cheered by it.

MrsJayy · 07/06/2016 22:58

I think its a nice thing to do as long as the man wasnt offended. I paid a womans bus fare last week she was struggiling with baby/ toddler/ buggy and purse i wasnt expecting gratitude just my hands were free and purse opened

Glamourgates · 07/06/2016 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pedestriana · 07/06/2016 23:08

I think it's a kind gesture.
On Saturday we were at a local park, queuing at the cafe for food. DH and I were rummaging around for the 29p or so that it had come to over the ££ mark. A young boy in the queue behind us (maybe aged 10 or 12) very kindly offered us the money.
Fortunately I found enough in coinage in my bag as I'd have felt awful depriving him of his pocket money. I did thank him, and tell him it was a kind gesture.

mimishimmi · 07/06/2016 23:15

I gave someone a bus ticket a couple of months ago. He was a tourist and didn't have a travel card but thought he could travel on the bus with his paper train ticket. Bus driver was explaining that, no, he had to walk back to the ticket office (about ten mins walk there and back) and buy a bus ticket specifically. I had a spare one in my wallet which had been sitting there for months since I got a travel card so I just gave it to him. He didn't think I was being patronizing, he was grateful. I couldn't care less whether he was really minted or not.... I could see myself doing the same for someone struggling to find change for a small purchase.

maisiejones · 07/06/2016 23:31

There are so many people in this world (or maybe it's just MN) who must go about their day just looking for things to be offended by. Good thing they don't have real problems.🙄

trafalgargal · 08/06/2016 00:12

I just think it's bloody sad that anyone would tell people they shouldn't perform random acts of kindness in case the recipient is so jaded with life that they interpret it as a negative act instead of just trying to make the world a nicer place ......