to ask how you deal with a stroppy child after contact?

[alificent]

DD is 9 and her father and I separated when she was 18 months old. He's dipped in and out of her life a bit but contact has been alternate weekends consistently now for 2.5 yrs. When she returns from contact she either Ignores everyone here or is extremely rude and behaves badly to provoke a reaction. She tries to goad me in to telling her off (I think) so she can feel sorry for herself and convince herself that I prefer her siblings.

Her siblings are 4 months, 2 and 5. Usually they get on great but she's horrid to them after contact. I think she's jealous that they're here all the time but she says she wants to see her father so her jealousy is irrational. She's said before that we shouldn't do anything when she isn't here and is really rude if her sister tries to tell her anything that happened without her. The strange thing is, I don't think she has a particularly enjoyable time with her father. This weekend, for example, he collected her on Saturday morning and they went to watch him compete in a golf match for most of the day. They went out to eat somewhere that she doesn't like the food. On Sunday they went around car showrooms and then he dropped her back early because he was going out.

He dropped her at the swimming pool where her siblings and I were and as we were walking to the car she kept barging in between DS2 and I as he was trying to hold my hand for the car park. I was holding the baby with the other arm so I said 'excuse me please, DD, I need to hold DS' hand in the car park' and she stormed off mumbling about its always someone else's hand I want to hold, but never hers.

When we arrived home DD5 gave her a present she's bought her from her pocket money and DD9 just made a sarcastic comment and tossed it aside. I later asked her to put her socks in the wash and she started arguing and said they're her dad's socks anyway so he should decide what's done with them (!?) and that he'd shout at her if he knew she wasn't wearing then (!) She claims he shouts a lot and complains frequently about how little effort he puts in to planning anything she might enjoy yet is so unappreciative that she gets the exact opposite treatment here.

Our weekends revolve around the DC with swimming, bike rides, park, cinema, baking, painting etc. She has friends over, sleepovers, birthday parties, we have dates just the two of us every fortnight, read together each night, I take her to any activity she likes. Her father does none of this yet it's me and her siblings she gets angry with and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Is anyone elses child like this after contact? Any suggestions?

I think you need to find a way to afford a solicitor. Phone Women's Aid and leave a message. Ask when you speak to someone if they can refer your DD to a counsellor and also ask if they can refer you to a solicitor.

NeedsAsock is absolutely correct to say you need to separate out what is important from what is not. What is important is what is in the best interests of the child. What is not important is your convenience (48 hours notice) or your family's discombobulation when your DD returns from a weekend with her abusive father.

It struck me from your first post, OP, that you were posting because you were upset about your DD's behaviour. Your thread title is about dealing with stroppy behaviour. All the details of how visitation with DD's father is proceeding came as afterthoughts. Along with Needs, I surmise that the court saw you as someone who was finding ways to needle your exH and becoming vexed by his behaviour towards you (as opposed to his behaviour towards your DD). Your approach here seems to be one where you are primarily engaged in a series of skirmishes with your exH, and not one where you are sorting through issues that are related to the best interests of your child. You need to keep that front and centre at all times. This is what being an advocate for your child entails.

So you and your DP need to find a way to get some proper legal advice. If that means skipping a holiday abroad or some other big sacrifice then I think you need to do that. This child needs serious help.

You need to stop game playing. (I agree with Needs that you could easily have come across to a court as someone engaged in this). You need to take what is happening to your child very seriously and to do all that is necessary to get her the help she needs. This is not about you, not about you vs. exH or exH vs. you.

You should approach DD's school and seek a referral to a counsellor there. You need to be frank and open with the school about what is going on. What is happening on weekends with her father could cause problems in school and with her peers. Her clubs need to be approached and lenience asked for if her father is not allowing her to participate in weekend practices. You should pull out all the stops to keep her in her after school activities.

You need to emphasise your concern for her wellbeing when you talk to the school. If you mention her behaviour upon arrival home then you need to adopt a tone that is altogether different from the one in your OP. Your tone needs a lot more compassion for your DD than the OP reveals, a lot more empathy for DD.

You should also approach your GP and ask for a referral for a counsellor.

You need to show that you understand that what is happening to DD is important and that you are her advocate, not someone compiling a case against exH just because you want to have the last word in your relationship with him. Please sit down and think long and hard about how you will present yourself to those to whom you reach out for help for your DD.

Women's Aid may be your best bet for speed of service however. WA may also be able to point you in the direction of a solicitor.

mamahibou

wow, so glad you posted as it sounds you understand OP DD, spot on

my nine year old is not interested in makeup, gyrating, pop lyrics and likes peppa pig and believes in father christmas and the tooth fairy.

Nor were any of mine, BlackeyedSusan, and two of them almost required an intervention to make sure they stopped believing in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, etc. at about age 10. Their friends were all like them. Loved children's programmes, Disney movies.

mine are 8- I anxiously await this metamorphosis into a junior |Britney Spears