Parents will not babysit, aibu?

[EveryCloudhasl]

Aibu to be really hurt and angry that my parents will never babysit because stepdad just doesn't want to? My mother used to babysit on occasion but has only once in the past year. I'm a single parent with no support what so ever, the father is no longer on the scene and I have no other family or friends that could babysit. The past 6 months have been awful for me after leaving my DDs abusive father then having to leave a job I loved due to having no childcare, In turn I have also lost my social life completely. I am very depressed atm if I'm honest but am bearing through and planning to make my future better. I have asked quite a few times recently of my parents will babysit one night so I can go out and socialise. They get really narky when I ask and usually I get 'no I'm too tired I don't want to' they're never busy or anything just don't want to, which is from my stepdad. He says he never wanted children so doesn't see why he should look after someone else's (he's been my stepdad since I was 5!). My daughter adores him as grandad. It just really hurts this rejection, I wish they would want to see their granddaughter and it not be a chore to them :( I don't expect it all the time at all maybe just 1 evening every few months, aubi?

I know my DIL is part of a babysitting circle in her area, is there any chance there might be one by you ?
And I think you mum is mean as it's not as if you ask often.

Have you a local gingerbread close by? They are a great source of social support and perhaps they can suggest someone reputable. To babysit, they will also be able to help with daytime activities that don't need a babysitter.Alternatively is there a mature teenager near by? We occasionally have a friends teenager babysit for not late nights e.g cinema.
I understand your upset about your parents and sadly it is what it is we can't force people to be what we want them to be. Good luck

They are mean. It wouldn't kill your dm to do it. But like already said if they are not doing it happily there is no point. Do they help you in any other way? Handyman stuff or cook you a meal. Or do you have outings with your dm plus baby. If not l would pull away and see if they notice. Mother and toddler groups. Could you afford to put your little one in a creche one morning a week to do a course or just Potter around. I feel bad for you. Your dm is missing out. The most fun l have now is playing with my gd.

I don't think grandparents should automatically be expected to babysit.

BUT it sounds like you've been through a tough time recently, and your family should be trying to support you in whatever way they can, so YANBU.

Look, harsh as it sounds, I can understand. Being a mother of a teenager and an older child who's likely to have children soon, I'm pretty much washed up as far as caring goes.

I don't expect to babysit. Certainly no nights. Yes, I'll want to see grandchildren but not step into a missing parents' shoes. Sadly, parenting is a touch choice. And I suppose we should be prepared to do it alone. I'd hope your mum visits at least.

I too was on my own many years as a lone parent. It's hard but not impossible. Would you expect babysitting duties if you were settled in a relationship with your child's father? Worth thinking about.

My ILs are like this. Never see the children and never babysit. I can count on one hand the amount of times they've even seen my 4 year old. You have my sympathy. I find its not the physical act of babysitting so much, it's the complete disinterest in their grandchildren generally that bothers me, particularly as my own grandparents were heavily involved in my upbringing. One particular incident sticks in my mind. My mum fractured her arm 2 days before we moved house, she was meant to have the kids for us (and happily so) but as my son was only 8 months old at the time this would've been impossible. We'd already decided to move ourselves with a van (half a mile down the road) and once we knew about my mum it was too late for a removals company. So we begged the ILS for help and explained the situation and were met with a flat no! No reason why. Needless to say we moved ourselves complete with 2 yr old and baby! It rained all day and was the most stressful day of my life!!

o be fair ..... They have already raised their children

^^ Is op still her mothers child though? What about simply helping her out - a few times a year so she can get out?it has nothing to do with how many children she herself has raised but assisting her own DD be it with occasional baby sitting or whatever other help she may need.

Op, I just cant imagine turning my back on my own DD like this esp if your circs.

I would at the very least, offer to have the DC once a month or once every two months as a bare minim, and I am not fond of small dc but I would do it - for MY DD's

I think there are some very selfish responses here and its a good window on society isn't it.

I just cannot fathom how giving up - one night a month say - literally, say 7pm to midnight, is going to adversely affect anyone?
Op I have little support, I have found it so incredibly hard, I also feel wrung out but I would do it for my DD's Care and support doesnt stop at a certain age. Its all give and take.

Are they very old? (As my parents aged they were less able to cooe sostopped babysitting/ having kids over... dad is 90 now and frankly HATES the grandchildren coming round because he can't stand the noise and gets overwhelmed. I understand this, my brither'sdon't and get all bent out of shape about it. Drama!

If they are not elderly, have you sat down with your mum and explained what it would mean to you to get out? Tell her how their refusal makes you feel?
If she still refuses to budge then you have to just accept it (selfish fekkers!😒 )

Join Gingerbread, meet up with other single mums. Can make some great friends on there... could support each other...

The staff at my dd2's nursery do babysitting for extra cash, I would ask at the office to see if anyone does this, then it's likely to be someone your dd at least knows in passing and you know has good skills and been vetted.

Sorry for your situation. Yes, you are being unreasonable. They did their stint in raising you - now it's your turn to raise your daughter. HOWEVER - you don't have to do it alone and in misery. You will be classified in Social Work and Mental Health terms as vulnerable, with your depression and a child. Approach the Social Work Department or/and your GP, and ask for help. The doctor could prescribe something temporary to help you work through the depression, while Social Work help find child care for you so you could maybe even go back to a job and make new friends. They'll also have mother and child groups where you could meet new people.

Same situation, my parents say 'we bought up our kids we're not looking after yours' even for an hour, ds is 6 now and not even in school full time. Social life? What's that?
Wish I had an answer but unfortunately you just plod on and get used to it X

Our families help us out with babysitting and will ask if we need help if we mention an event e.g. 'so and so is getting married!' coming up. Very grateful.However, if they need anything e.g. lifts to mechanics or house/pet sitting, help with elderly relatives we'd be the first to offer and follow through. I really feel for you OP as I would think your mum would be encouraging you to do whatever makes you happy after such a traumatic time! Some people are just weird. Do try some of the excellent suggestions up thread and I hope things get better for you.PM if you ever need to talk!

I don't get the "we've raised our kids" argument, you aren't asking them to raise your kids just watch they don't burn the house down or hurt themselves or starve to death while you aren't there for a couple of hours. Stick a movie on and put some snacks out on the coffee table and their contribution would possibly be sitting in an armchair while they watch the movie, or even sit in the armchair while the child is fast asleep in bed.
There are some very mean spirited grandparents out there.

hairymuff I was about to say something similar my parents don't really like to babysit and when I felt as low as the OP I often wondered when I stopped becoming their daughter!
To be fair to my parents they are brilliant when I need to work but a night out? Hell no!
What really upset me is that they will have my brothers toddlers for a week to two weeks and my brother and SIL will book part of that time as annual leave to spend as a couple you know. . Socialising kid free!
What I found helped was as others have suggested was building up my friend network and then having drinks and sleepovers with kids in tow. We took camping trips with the children.
I have also started using sitters (the agency) recently and its cheaper than I thought at 7.20 per hour (I know money is tight as a LP ) but if there is an event coming up I can save a bit every week.
Oh and YANBU

Some people just don-t want to get too involved with things like babysitting. When my Mum first had grandchildren she was absolutely explicit that she had done her child raising and she was not going to do childcare for grandchildren. She and Dad did dote on them though. By the time I had dD I was living in a different country and Mum haddementiaa so help was out of the question. MIL lives a couple of hours up the motorway and has never offered babysitting, she makes cryptic remarks like 'well, you know where I am'. I don't know if that's her way of offering help, but it's never more explicit than that. But she can't be arsed to come to our house anyway. Anyway, I don't think you can expect grandparents to babysit. Look into babysitting circles, local teenagers, childminders etc. Lots of people don't have family support and you just have to get on with it.

Sorry Op
I dont have any hellpful advice but totally sympathise. MY issue is with IL's. My own mother is sadly dead but she would do loads for us.
MIl has never had my dcs ever. Not during day or night or anything. She makes up all sorts of excuses why she couldnt have them(i never ask she just mentions it if she knows we need a babysitter). Offers to do other jobs for me like ironing. I dont want my ironing done!i would just like a very occasional night out. And im talking literally 2 or 3 times a yr. But no. FIL is even worse. He has never so much taken my dcs to the park for an hr.
Im not even talking about doing me a favour but why dont they want time with grandchildren?!
Its not normal.
I see some people literally taking the piss out of their parents and expecting them to have the kids all the time. Picking them up from school,childcare while they are at work etc. Thats too much and certainly not okay to expect that.
However the off night child free is not unnreasonable for a parent to want to help their own bloody child.
I het jealous when i hear friends mention casually that they are going away for the weekend whilst parents have kids.
Luckily i do have my sister. And she volunteers as she wants to see my dcs as do i hers.
Im super angry about this topic. And in my case i really wouldnt want my IL's to do fuck all for me now.they are nice enough people and i get on with them but i think this side of their behaviour is odd.
As someone said upthread,it wont be me looking after them in old age. Not a frigging chance.

I feel sorry for you and your mum. Why does your stepdad have to be there? Could she come and stay over at your house. I absolutely love babysitting my grand daughter. Your mum is missing out on so much.

We are here to support you op. They sound very selfish.

I also agree that you are not asking them to raise your dcs just an occasional favour.(it feels wrong saying favour when its your gc's).
Mine wont even help while i work.
In fact,discussing this makes me realise how emabarrasingly bad my in.laws are
I would hope with my dcs that when they have kids that i would invite these gc's over now and again without doing it as any 'favour'but as i wanted to see them.

Can't offer much advice except you're not alone. My parents won't babysit either & I can tell my mother especially finds it a chore. It's very hard especially when you see friends with loads of help. X

I think it's really sad they won't. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of spending time with my grandparents. I would ring them and ask to go over and then decide I'd stay the night/week in holidays! As I grew older I still saw them weekly - even in my grouchy teen years - I adored them. I'd pop to the shop for them, go round for a cuppa, call in with my friends unexpectedly (especially when I drove as they lived a few miles away), ring them from university halls. It breaks my heart they are no longer here.

I hope your dm and stepfather aren't the type to complain that their kids/grandkids can't be bothered to visit when they are older and struggle to get out. You get out what you put in.

You are definitely not alone. Sound like you are doing a brilliant job with your DD. My parents hardly ever offer to babysit and will not have DS2 overnight as he has SN (although nothing particularly challenging at night). As a result we have had no time away in over three years, since he was born. It's hard for us and I wish we could have a bit of respite for one night but they won't do it. I just feel sad that they don't seem to want to help me out, their own daughter. But will move heaven and earth and drive halfway round the country at my younger completely dependent 30 yr old Dsis's beck and call.

I don't get the view of 'we've done it, now it's our time' because when you decide to have a child your responsibility to care for them doesn't stop on their 18th birthday! Surely you would always want the best for them and help them out? I know I will always do whatever I can to help my DC (which I probably will be doing with DS2 well into my dotage).

You are definitely not BU

This ^^ it's not unreasonable to occasionally be helped out by a our Mother with babysitting. I'd help anyone out if I could and certainly my own children no matter how old they get.

My parents don't babysit, never have, never will. You need to find pays sitters, maybe a reputable agency like Sitters. It does add to the cost of a night out but then you won't get annoyed and feel bad for asking