Parents will not babysit, aibu?

[EveryCloudhasl]

Aibu to be really hurt and angry that my parents will never babysit because stepdad just doesn't want to? My mother used to babysit on occasion but has only once in the past year. I'm a single parent with no support what so ever, the father is no longer on the scene and I have no other family or friends that could babysit. The past 6 months have been awful for me after leaving my DDs abusive father then having to leave a job I loved due to having no childcare, In turn I have also lost my social life completely. I am very depressed atm if I'm honest but am bearing through and planning to make my future better. I have asked quite a few times recently of my parents will babysit one night so I can go out and socialise. They get really narky when I ask and usually I get 'no I'm too tired I don't want to' they're never busy or anything just don't want to, which is from my stepdad. He says he never wanted children so doesn't see why he should look after someone else's (he's been my stepdad since I was 5!). My daughter adores him as grandad. It just really hurts this rejection, I wish they would want to see their granddaughter and it not be a chore to them :( I don't expect it all the time at all maybe just 1 evening every few months, aubi?

Thanks anyway for the link 😃 i suppose i could save up and use babysitters. Is that a normal thing to do? I don't know if it's me being weird but I'd only ever let someone close to my DD look after her whether that be in my home or elsewhere (hence my annoyance that my parents wont) I just don't think I'd be able to relax otherwise so would be missing the point really.

Stop having a go at clarrp.
She has a different opinion to some of you, that is allowed

It would be nice if op's parents were supportive in this way, but some gp's don't want to babysit.
Doesn't make them horrible people ( though some of you would probably want them hung and quartered) even op has said they're nice people.
Maybe they just don't feel like they would be up to looking after a small child.
End of the day it's not their child so if they want to say no it's Their right.

You could get a babysitter initially to look after your DD when you are there (e.g. working or studying in another room) and then only leave them with her when you felt comfortable with them.

Have you got friends that arent mums? Just because you are a mum doesnt mean that your own social circle can only be mums too. I was always happy to babysit for a friend if I knew she was stuck and needed a night out. I didnt expect payment either.

EveryCloud - you have a choice as a single parent (I'm one). You either accept that your social life is now dead until your child is 14 or you accept that, much as you trust other adults to look after your child during the day, you can trust them to look after your DD in the evenings too.

Ask friends or people at toddler group for recommendations (good way to start a conversation possibly? :) )

I don't think yabu Op, although you can't obviously force them.

My mother was really difficult over have DS for 2 nights ( I'd checked with her first before booking) when she got a better offer.

I made sure I never asked again and I am clear I'm not going to visit her when she's old and infirm or help out in any way. What comes around goes around.

Have you tried sitters? I found them very good.

All the women we have had from Sitters for evening babysitting have been absolutely lovely. I had to get someone from them for a whole day once as we had a massive childcare issue (nursery no space, DH abroad) and I had misgivings about it as I only got to meet her on the day but she was great. I don't work for them by the way!

It is better to pay for a properly experienced person than to have a reluctant family member.

You could also try your DD's nursery as they already know her.

If you daughter is a good sleeper, chances are she wouldnt even know you had been out if a sitter comes after she has gone to bed.

At 3 she is also vocal enough to tell you if the babysitter has got up to anything, ie had friends round etc.. (unlikely event but whereas young babies cant tell you stuff, a 3yo can).

YANBU My parents would never baby sit and as my children grew up those same parents complained that the children did not seem to like them.

Being a grandparent is a brilliant privilege and your mum is missing out so hell mind her.

I've only got one grandson, age 7, and my wife and I would never refuse to look after him, (just don't call her a step-gran, our grandson calls her gran and never thinks about her not being his mum's mum.

I'll stick my neck out and say YABU

You say that you have asked 'quite a few times' and they get 'narky' when you ask. No one should feel under pressure to babysit or look after anyone else's kids, not even grandparents. If they got 'narky' then why ask again? Especially as you say they are generally good with your child, and perhaps help out in other ways?

There may be something in the dynamics of your relationship with your mum and step dad that you might step back and look at. If you just carry on with 'they are being unreasonable' and not me, then there will be a stalemate.

There could be so many reasons why they don't want to. But even if they are just being pig headed, feeling more cross with them is not going to help. Some of these things might resolve if you take the pressure off of them and show them that you still value them, and set up some kind of babysitting yourself. Perhaps even do something for them too? Helping others is supposed to help depression too.

If they are your only support and family around, then it is more important not to create a rift over this. Of course in an ideal world they could do this for you, but as they have decided not then respect their decision. You also assume that this is your step dads, and it might not be the case at all.

We have a nice Facebook group of Mums locally, every so often someone posts they are feeling a bit isolated and offers flow in of places to go and people to meet. Could you see if something is like that for you?

And if not make one! Post your new group on local Facebook pages including buy and sell ones and see if anyone would like to chat and update each other on things to do in your area during the week with children.

Thank you for posts. Am going to try to let go of anger towards parents and just accept that I can't rely on them for babysitting and focus on their good points. Am going to make more of an effort with mum and toddler groups. And get dd into clubs then hopefully a better mummy social network will follow then I probably wouldn't even need a night out if I'm seeing people more! And hey at least then I can turn round and know that everything I have done and got through is 100% down to me 😃

This is about more than babysitting though, isn't it? It's not about wanting to go out on the lash and expecting the world and his wife to enable that, this is you needing support at a difficult time in your life and your parent/step parent not being willing to recognise it. That's just happens to be the thing you need very occasionally but you need it right now.

However it is something you can work round, there are some ideas on this thread you just need the confidence to try some of them.

(And they may not like it when they find out that they're not indispensable and you can manage perfectly well without them - tough!)

After that I'm with PPs that when they need/want YOUR support as they get older, you are perfectly free to decide that it doesn't suit you to do so.

I know exactly how you feel im in the exact same situation sending a hug ur not alone x

I think you just need to change how you socialise.
Ok, you're can't go out at night any more, but you can go out in the day time when your did is at nursery. So, it's lunches/brunches/coffees out rather than dinners, plenty of sporting activities going on in the day, I could go on, but I'm not sure what you're in to.

I can completely understand why it hurts you. It is their loss though, entirely. It might not feel like much consolation now,but it will do one day.

"I think it's very sad that they can't see your need for a break."

Agree with this. This isn't about whether or not your mum and stepdad want to look after a toddler. It's about helping YOU out. Maybe it won't be the most fun they've ever had. Maybe it would be. In all likelihood, it would mean coming to your place, watching a film while the toddler sleeps, then going home again. Not exactly taxing but would make all the difference to the OP.

"I think you just need to change how you socialise.
Ok, you're can't go out at night any more, but you can go out in the day time when your did is at nursery. So, it's lunches/brunches/coffees out rather than dinners, plenty of sporting activities going on in the day."

The OP has to go to work!

Feel.free to pm op....

Because her DM has brought up a child so surely, unless she was pretty crap at it, knows how much hard work it is, and she wasn't on her own.

So naturally you would expect her to help.

I am trying to work out the DP's attitude but it doesn't come out as very flattering to them in my mind.

l have a friend although not single is often on her own (her DH works abroad quite often). Her family live a fair distance away so she finds it difficult to get sitters. To socialise, she often has many play dates (with other mums) and she will also have a night at hers where we go and have a few drinks.

Could this work for you OP?

I found the toddler groups difficult. However, I found the dance/music/movement classes (often based at a soft play centre) much easier to talk to other parents, in the sense it was a smaller group and many would stay after to let the children play. Maybe try this?

We used a girl from Nursery to look after the kids when needed. So, not a complete stranger. Not all nursery's will allow this, but it could be worth considering.

Also, find a friend with a restricted local support network. There are good friends who I would never ask for a favour, as they just ask the grandparents to call round, and don't understand. However, the friend who, like me, had noone within 200 miles felt they could ask, and likewise I called on her in emergency (like a a 5 yr old in an ambulance, and noone to collect the 3 yr old from day care- she took him overnight at no notice)

I don't think its unreasonable that they don't want to babysit - there's no obligation on them to and they might not feel comfortable. A friends father never babysits as he's confessed he's worried he wouldn't know what to do if the child cried or was ill.

What is unreasonable is that they can see you struggling and are doing nothing to help. In their position I'd perhaps offer to pay for a babysitter instead (we've always used Sitters, rarely family as they live far away and would highly recommend).

You're not being unreasonable at all! My mum struggled to cope with her two children after she divorced my dad, my grandparents built an extension in their house for us to live and looked after us all the time whilst my mum worked and had a bit of a social life occasionally. Obviously not everyone has the means for that but they could offer to babysit every once in a while, especially if they know you're struggling at the moment!

Apologies if anyone else has mentioned this and I've missed it. Where I live there's a couple of organisations you can join where you share skills. For example when I was on maternity leave I used to feed people's cats for them when they went away and in exchange other members cleaned my house & babysat (I was a single mum at the time so found the help invaluable). The organisation sorted out references and crb (Dbs) checks. All exchanges were free and well managed so it might be worth investigating if there's anything similar where you live