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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents will not babysit, aibu?

139 replies

EveryCloudhasl · 06/06/2016 17:13

Aibu to be really hurt and angry that my parents will never babysit because stepdad just doesn't want to? My mother used to babysit on occasion but has only once in the past year. I'm a single parent with no support what so ever, the father is no longer on the scene and I have no other family or friends that could babysit. The past 6 months have been awful for me after leaving my DDs abusive father then having to leave a job I loved due to having no childcare, In turn I have also lost my social life completely. I am very depressed atm if I'm honest but am bearing through and planning to make my future better. I have asked quite a few times recently of my parents will babysit one night so I can go out and socialise. They get really narky when I ask and usually I get 'no I'm too tired I don't want to' they're never busy or anything just don't want to, which is from my stepdad. He says he never wanted children so doesn't see why he should look after someone else's (he's been my stepdad since I was 5!). My daughter adores him as grandad. It just really hurts this rejection, I wish they would want to see their granddaughter and it not be a chore to them :( I don't expect it all the time at all maybe just 1 evening every few months, aubi?

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 06/06/2016 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Didiusfalco · 06/06/2016 18:03

I know people will say they've done their child rearing but honestly what's the point of family if you don't try and help each other? Yanbu.

ifcatscouldtalk · 06/06/2016 18:05

I can't say my parents never help but lets say they arent very forthcoming and I feel reluctant to ask now. I would like to think that should I have any grandkids aslong as i wasn't doing 24/7 care, I would hopefully not see helping out as a chore.

ifcatscouldtalk · 06/06/2016 18:07

I can see why you would feel upset by this, but what can you do?

clarrrp · 06/06/2016 18:08

You are being really unreasonable.

It's entirely their prerogative whether they want to baby sit or not. And they don't. I think it's very unreasonable of you to expect it and assume that their time isn't as important as yours. They want to spend their free time relaxing, not looking after a toddler. And that's fine.

You'll just have to pay for a babysitter or childminder like the rest of us do.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2016 18:11

Umm clarrrp, you do know this child isn't just some random kid off the street, don't you? It's their grandchild!

clarrrp · 06/06/2016 18:17

Umm clarrrp, you do know this child isn't just some random kid off the street, don't you? It's their grandchild!

So?

Their daughter decides to have a child and they are suddenly EXPECTED to do things they don't want to? Fact is they are not obligated to look after this child, doesn't matter if it;s their grandchild or the baby Jesus. If they want to spend their Friday evening watching telly instead that is entirely their choice.

PovertyPain · 06/06/2016 18:18

You say your child adores your prick if a step father. Is the feeling mutual? Just wondering when she sees them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/06/2016 18:21

YANBU to be hurt and angry. They are rubbish family to not help out occasionally. You can't do anything about it though.

BoboChic · 06/06/2016 18:26

They sound horribly selfish and unsupportive, OP. Babysitting one little DGD isn't dreadfully onerous, especially given that it would make such a difference to you.

DinosaursRoar · 06/06/2016 18:27

You can't change who they are, so you need to cope without them. can you start asking around friends/other mums for recommendations for babysitters? A lot of the key workers at the nurseries near me do evening babysitting so you aren't just looking at teens with no experience.

Look at getting back to work using paid for childcare. You need to build a life without your Mum and stepfather in it.

Is your Step-dad controlling your Mum or does she equally not want to look after your DD? Basically, looking at it as someone who's just got out of an abusive relationship, is your Mum still in an abusive relationship and perhaps that's why you ended up in one thinking it's normal? (Could it be your Step-Dad doesn't like you showing your Mum it's perfectly possible to have a nice life without an arse of a man in it)

kaitlinktm · 06/06/2016 18:29

Would your Mum not agree to babysit on her own for an evening - and leave old misery-guts at home to enjoy his child-free status?

If they are so determined not to help, I would honestly stop asking them - at some time they will want your help and I would think of a way of reminding them that help works two ways (other Mumsnetters are much better at this than I am).

I would love the opportunity to babysit my grandchildren but I will probably never have any. Wonder if I live anywhere near the OP

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/06/2016 18:30

YNBU. What's your mother thinking of letting a man dictate to her that she cannot babysit her own DGC.
Is he this controlling in other aspects of their marriage. I'd have grave concerns to be honest.
I had a friend who had to pay her mum to babysit her DD. Fancy wanting pay to spend time with your DGC. I'm sorry but that's just not normal

lanbro · 06/06/2016 18:35

YANBU ignore clarrp

In my experience most gps enjoy looking after their gcs, it should be the norm. I'm not surprised you're upset. Definitely invite people to yours so you can still socialise. Ask around for teenage babysitters. I really feel for you, family should support each other

LouBlue1507 · 06/06/2016 18:37

YANBU to feel upset/hurt but YABU to 'expect' babysitting from GPs.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/06/2016 18:39

Are you asking them to come to your home to babysit? Would they perhaps be more amenable if your daughter went to theirs for a sleepover?

maddening · 06/06/2016 18:42

Yanbu, what goes around comes around, it's not fun looking after geriatric parents either, so when they need help when their time comes you need not feel any guilt when you don't feel like it imo

Muskateersmummy · 06/06/2016 18:50

Yahbu, it is reasonable to be disappointed that they won't babysit. But it's not always not wanting to and it doesn't mean grandad doesn't love her. My DM and mil will happily babysit, but the grandfathers won't. They adore dd but don't want to do the babysitting thing.

If it was me I would invite some mummy friends round on an evening. Then as your circle of friends grows have some sort of baby sitting circle. You look after someone's kids so they can go out with their husband and in return they can look after yours so you can go out with the girls

It must be hard without the parental support system around you. But you will have to work with what you have

MissMargie · 06/06/2016 18:54

I know it seems a long way off but just assure yourself you will not run to their aid when their zimmer frame has lost a screw / they have a hospital appointment and need a lift / DF can't manage to mow the lawn now etc etc etc etc etc etc (and there will be a lot of etcs) - by then DD will be long grown up and you will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Susieqt · 06/06/2016 18:56

I'm in the same situation, single mum, no father on the scene, moved to a new area nearer parents as I couldn't afford to live in London anymore (made redundant then discovered pregnant then made homeless coz couldn't afford the rent) so I have no support network or friends here at all and the only people I really know here are my parents but they have point blank refused to look after her, even for half hour so I can have a smear (toddlers and smear tests are a fun combo btw!) I've not had a break since she was born (she's nearly 2) I'm exhausted and would give anything to not be in mum mode and switch my brain off BUT as others have said its not their responsibility, whilst I think YANBU, I feel exactly the same about mine, at the end of the day I chose to have her, she's my responsibility and if anything it's taught me you can't rely on anyone, friendships you think we're strong can fade so easily and everyone has a right to their own lives, and not be imposed on. I, however will be the most loving nanny when the time comes and will make damn sure my daughter never feels as lost as her mum did. My only advice is to try and enjoy the time you have with your little one, you'll forget the nights out but not nights in snuggled up or watching your baby play and personally if hate to be out when my girl does anything for the first time anyway.

Glassofwineneeded · 06/06/2016 18:58

Reading this makes me feel so lucky I have had great support in terms of babysitting from my parents, especially as I'm a single parent they seem to think I need to go out more and are always encouraging me with offers of babysitting - probably in the hope I meet a nice man!!
However I don't like to take the piss so I often invite friends to mine for takeaway nights, drinks, bring a dish evenings etc. I find I enjoy these so much more as im not looking at my watch having to get home for my parents.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/06/2016 19:01

He's an absolute prick, isn't he?

Look on the bright side: at least your dd won't be exposed to the fucker.

Are there any babysitting services in your area?

Is your dd in a nursery? Maybe a key worker would like to make some extra cash?

I know you can't force them, and they don't have to etc. but they're being horrible about it, which is completely out of order!

wannabestressfree · 06/06/2016 19:05

My parents pre divorce where the same..I had my son at 19 and he is autistic. I had horrible depression and was so ill equipt to parent. I literally had no idea and they never lifted a finger....I was so lonely.
I now have three sons and I will be as involved as they want me to be when they have children..
Try and get out to mother and toddler and other bits. Build up your friend network..it will all come good

Ragwort · 06/06/2016 19:06

It's disappointing, and why is your mum allowing herself to be controlled by this man? Can you speak to her on her own about it. Can your DD go to their house for a sleepover?

But try and make an effort to find alternative arrangements, I used to share sleepovers with a friend so I would have her children for a night when she went out and vice versa. Obviously doesn't work if you want to go out togeter .

Original poster

EveryCloudhasl · 06/06/2016 19:06

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I should probably add neither of them are terrible people and i am really close to my mum (we talk everyday). She comes to mine at least once a week to see dd. Stepfather isn't a bad person either although I've never completely seen eye to eye with him- he does care in his own way (I think) but just doesn't seem to understand 'family'. I do think he can be quite possessive over my mother but she can with him too and they are both happy so that's nothing that concerns me. When he has seen dd (probs about once every 3 weeks) he does make an effort and is brilliant with her- he just wants to choose when and not be expected to babysit. I guess people just have very different opinions on what's expected from family and his and mine certainly don't match!
I do need to get a better social network but I think because of her father I've put my guard up and am very protective and wary about who I let near dd, so in a way I've isolated myself.

OP posts:

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