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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family wedding

145 replies

Unreasonablebil · 06/06/2016 10:18

Bil and sil got married abroad a couple of years ago to help with a visa application. It was just the two of them there.
They now want to have a proper celebration of their marriage and this will be in the states as that is where sil is from. They have been talking about doing this for a while but have never set any dates.

Bil phoned dh yesterday and said they have set a date and they would love for us to come. The date they have set is in 2 months time and slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays.
I can not get this time off work as it is fully booked by people with children. We do have a couple of weeks booked off next month so could potentially see if someone minds swapping a week with me but I doubt this will be possible as they have booked it off to look after their children.
Dh spoke to bil and said it is highly unlikely that I would be able to get the time off. His response was that dh could therefore go without me!

I'm feeling pretty pissed off and hurt to be honest. If they really wanted us there then they should have checked we were available before booking it and given us more notice.

Poor dh is stressing about it as he feels like they are expecting him to go. If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year and will spend a week off work on my own.

Am I being unreasonable to say both myself and dh will not be going?

OP posts:

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 11:10

Well it comes across that way, was my point. (In response to your point that I was guilt tripping). That's all! Anyway. OP is happy with the outcome so all is well.

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 11:14

It doesn't actually cost thousands and 2 months is perfectly acceptable in terms of flight prices - there's actually research that shows the best time to book is around 5 weeks out. If they don't want to go that's fine but no need to put artificial barriers in the way.

Anyway, we disagree so no need to belabour the point. I would go, you wouldn't. OP isn't. Onwards!

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 11:29

Depending on where they are in the UK and where they need to go in the US, yes, it does actually cost thousands. I fly to my native state in the US every Summer. It's never less than $1000. And not all people have that, so it's not an artificial barrier.

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 11:59

But why assume the worst? I'm flying to the U.S. for a wedding next month, it's £300. Anyway. I guess I just have a more positive outlook on these things - my inclination would be to try to make it work rather than dismissing it out of hand for hypothetical reasons as you did. Each to their own.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 12:24

'Anyway. I guess I just have a more positive outlook on these things - my inclination would be to try to make it work rather than dismissing it out of hand for hypothetical reasons as you did. Each to their own.'

Oh, yes, congratulations! You're such a little dynamo of positivity. Here, have a [medal]. Why assume he's going somewhere where it is only £300?

And the reasons were not hypothetical, his going meant compromising the family holiday. For some people, they put their own family and own family's holiday before parties. Imagine that.

AdjustableWench · 08/06/2016 13:01

To me the biggest issue here is the BIL's expectation that the DH would go alone, leaving the OP at home. It's one thing to organise a party thousands of miles away at short notice to celebrate something that happened two years ago; it's quite another to expect someone to leave their spouse at home in order to attend.

I'd be extremely keen to attend my brother's wedding (or post wedding party) too, but if he organised it in such a way that my partner couldn't go, I wouldn't leave my partner at home in order to attend. And I would be annoyed if he expected me to (but he would never suggest it because he's not that rude).

Querty12345 · 08/06/2016 13:42

it's £300

Some people can't just afford 300 pounds at two months notice.

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 14:57

And some people can qwerty.

expat well you're just a little bundle of cynicism and awfulness aren't you?! FYI I'm pretty sure that a brother is in fact part of your family too - not sure why you're so invested in making out that this is some frivolous random party. It's his BROTHER fgs. I would try to make it work. Maybe it wouldn't work. But I wouldn't do what you seem to be suggesting which is to sneerily write off even the possibility.

Anyway, I'm done. You seem extremely over invested in this. Have fun.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 08/06/2016 15:11

stealth OP said upthread that flights for her DH alone would be around £700, and they wouldn't be able to afford that and a holiday this year.

So sounds like they have looked into it, they can make it work (DH going alone that is) - but that's at the expense of OP and her DH getting a holiday together. They can't do both.

Plus the actual wedding was 2 years ago, BIL lives in the UK, so presumably the BIL has had ample opportunity to organise another wedding celebration in the UK for his UK based friends and relatives if it was that important to them.

Querty12345 · 08/06/2016 15:37

Yes and it is unreasonable to assume Anybody could afford that on a whim, which is pretty much what op's relatives have done

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 15:39

Oh, yes, it's so awful to value my own children and wife having a family holiday together over a party abroad for something that happened 2 years ago. FWIW, my own sister would roll her eyes at the very thought of such silliness so thankfully I never have to worry about such a case - she got married 23 years ago and had the reception after the wedding, not 2 years later thousands of mile away.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 08/06/2016 16:01

I know some people who had a tiny wedding, and then had two receptions - one near where the brides family lived, and one near where the grooms family lived.

The bride and grooms families lived a considerable distance apart, but not as far apart as the UK and USA.

Querty12345 · 08/06/2016 16:03

expat you are terrible

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 16:10

Oh, I know. My own sibling! I can almost hear my sister's reaction if I pulled that kind of stunt and hear her huff, 'Are you for real?' To which I'd say, 'Nah, just kidding!' and then she'd say, 'Gah, I know you'd never do something so stupid.' Our family holiday this year is a cruise. Believe me, no party on Earth will come before that ship .

Querty12345 · 08/06/2016 16:16

Not even granny's friend's granddaughter's 2 month wedding anniversary? Surely you would cancel the cruise for that?

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 16:19

I know. She'd be so disappointed. I would soon forget after cocktails on the lido deck, though .

Querty12345 · 08/06/2016 16:23

Send her pictures of you living it up with rob Brydon to really stick it to her

FabFiveFreddie · 08/06/2016 16:26

If it's happening at 2 months' notice, in the place SIL comes from, 2 years after the event, I think it's basically just a big party and your BIL knows it. SIL may wear a white dress and there may be some kind of vows given in front of people, but basically a party. Put it this way, it won't be formal invitations / wedding prices for venues and catering / gift lists etc.

He's not pushing for you both to go because he knows it won't be a big deal (not as big a deal as an actual wedding).

He's disappointed DH won't be there as his mum won't be either so the do - his only real wedding fun - is going to be mostly his wife's family and friends.

I know all this because almost exactly the same happened to me. Sucks.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/06/2016 16:26

I would have been devastated if my brothers weren't at my wedding. On that basis I gave them about 18 months' notice, held it somewhere convenient on a date they were available. Yanbu.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 17:10

'Send her pictures of you living it up with rob Brydon to really stick it to her grin'

Even better, my sister and her family are coming with us!

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