Family wedding

[Unreasonablebil]

Bil and sil got married abroad a couple of years ago to help with a visa application. It was just the two of them there.
They now want to have a proper celebration of their marriage and this will be in the states as that is where sil is from. They have been talking about doing this for a while but have never set any dates.
Bil phoned dh yesterday and said they have set a date and they would love for us to come. The date they have set is in 2 months time and slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays.
I can not get this time off work as it is fully booked by people with children. We do have a couple of weeks booked off next month so could potentially see if someone minds swapping a week with me but I doubt this will be possible as they have booked it off to look after their children.
Dh spoke to bil and said it is highly unlikely that I would be able to get the time off. His response was that dh could therefore go without me!

I'm feeling pretty pissed off and hurt to be honest. If they really wanted us there then they should have checked we were available before booking it and given us more notice.

Poor dh is stressing about it as he feels like they are expecting him to go. If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year and will spend a week off work on my own.

Am I being unreasonable to say both myself and dh will not be going?

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Does your BIL want him to be a best man? Are they having some sort of formal blessing? or church service if they had a registry office wedding two years ago?

They've lived in the UK for two years and not felt the need to have a formal wedding so I'd be inclined to say that if he really wanted family from his side to be there, then they should have given more notice.

[MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting]

No you shouldn't be expected to give up your chance of a holiday with your dh this year so that he can go to a party alone in the USA in honour of people who live in the UK anyway.

Have your holiday together, wish the couple well for their celebration and your DH could offer to help organise a celebratory bash in the UK for UK friends and relatives some time in the autumn.

[Bolograph]

Does your BIL want him to be a best man?

They've been married for two years: not even people "renewing their vows" (why? are they broken? yes, usually ) usually go to those lengths of having a fake wedding.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

It's not even an actual wedding, just a party.

[RaspberryOverload]

They live in the UK so we see them regularly. They were going to the states to visit her family and have decided to have a wedding celebration whilst there.

It's a party, as the actual wedding was two years ago, so no chance would I do this.

As pp said, have a meal out with them in the UK, and book your own holiday when you can.

[grannytomine]

I didn't go to either of my siblings weddings, the world carried on turning and they got married (both divorced now so maybe it was a good call on my part) and everyone managed without me. If he doesn't want to go and it will mess up your holidays then it isn't unreasonable for him to decline.

[theveryhighlife]

I can understand your frustrations, I think I'd feel the same, but I do think the right thing to do is for your husband to go. Then you could book your own holiday together a bit later in the year (by moving those two weeks off you have booked for next month), which would give you more time to save up.

[diddl]

If they live in UK & might not be visiting her family that often, then I can see why they might have decided to have a celebration there.

Although that doesn't explain why no celebration with his family to date.

And I suppose they thought it was only polite(?) to invite his family, so something of an afterthought?

Your husband shouldn't feel pressured at all.

If it was that important to celebrate with his family he'd have done it by now!

[halighhalighaliehaligh]

It's up to your dh. If he doesn't want to go then he shouldn't go.

[RhiWrites]

YANBU

It's not their wedding, they've been married for two years.
It's a destination 'wedding' arranged at short notice for an inconvenient time.

Offer to take them to dinner to celebrate when they get back from their holiday.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

YANBU! BIL is being ridiculous. At least £700 just to attend a party! Fuck that! Tell him no, you'll go out to dinner with them instead -to celebrate a marriage years after it has actually happened--.

[myownprivateidaho]

Eh transatlantic flights don't fluctuate in price very much (I used to do ny to london regularly). I think two months notice is fine. Can he crash with relatives when he's there? Can't you go for the weekend and maybe negotiate a Friday and Monday off around it if you can't stretch to a week? I think yabu and find it a bit strange to be pissed off at them inviting you! Fair enough if you decline but being angry at an invite is u.

[dulcefarniente]

theveryhighlife unless her dh has a lot more leave than the OP they aren't going to get the fortnight off together as originally planned. He will have used up one of the weeks going to the States so presumably will only have one left to spend with the OP whenever they take it. It sounds as if the OP would be stuck at home as any money she spent would further reduce the money they had set aside for their joint holiday.

[Unreasonablebil]

We weren't planning on a big holiday, just a cheap week in the sun so there is no way we could afford for dh to go to America and go away.
I can't take any time off either side of the weekend of the wedding so can't even make a long weekend of it. It's so frustrating.

[Rainbunny]

Two months notice for a celebration that involves international travel. They're taking the piss if they get annoyed that your and your dh can't arrange things so you can go in that time frame.

[CaspoFungin]

I reckon it's just a party to celebrate with her family and have invited you out of courtesy, rather than it being a big wedding reception.

[Rainbunny]

Caspo - it does sound like the OP's Dh's brother really wants him to go though since he suggested he go alone and leave OP at home. This seems to be the OP's issue, as it leaves her working and taking care of the dcs all by herself while her dh goes to the celebration.

[Rainbunny]

Sorry forget my comment - I assumed OP had children but I just re-read the original post and she doesn't mention that.

[clarrrp]

If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year


Wow. First world problems.

[Headofthehive55]

Not their wedding. It's two years later.
I think it's more important for you to have a holiday together.

If it was that important for him to be present at the wedding, they would have asked him at the time. Two years ago.

[Querty12345]

So you have two months to organise flights and accommodation in the USA during summer holidays? On cost alone YANBU.

[pictish]

Wow. First world problems.
And?

[MidniteScribbler]

If I were DH, I'd make all the right noises about wanting to go, but then say that my work wouldn't give me time off, so sorry, nothing to be done, really wish I could have been there. I wouldn't give up a family holiday for what is nothing more than a party halfway across the world.

[theveryhighlife]

dulce that's assuming they only get two weeks annual leave a year each. If they're both full time (ie working 5 days per week) in the UK they'll be entitled to a minimum of 28 days annual leave each a year. Obviously the op hasn't mentioned weather this leave has already been used/allocated for something else, so I was suggesting a compromise.
I think if it's not a viable option to do both the wedding and a separate holiday financially and the wedding in the states is more of a jolly than a wedding I'm sure your bil will understand if your dh doesn't attend.

[Ratty667]

In your position I would decline, it's not ok to miss your family holiday together so that he can go to a party alone. £700 flights plus spends, hotel etc. He will end up spending £1500.

They haven't been very considerate, it's too short notice. Therefore they have to accept that people will say no.