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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family wedding

145 replies

Unreasonablebil · 06/06/2016 10:18

Bil and sil got married abroad a couple of years ago to help with a visa application. It was just the two of them there.
They now want to have a proper celebration of their marriage and this will be in the states as that is where sil is from. They have been talking about doing this for a while but have never set any dates.

Bil phoned dh yesterday and said they have set a date and they would love for us to come. The date they have set is in 2 months time and slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays.
I can not get this time off work as it is fully booked by people with children. We do have a couple of weeks booked off next month so could potentially see if someone minds swapping a week with me but I doubt this will be possible as they have booked it off to look after their children.
Dh spoke to bil and said it is highly unlikely that I would be able to get the time off. His response was that dh could therefore go without me!

I'm feeling pretty pissed off and hurt to be honest. If they really wanted us there then they should have checked we were available before booking it and given us more notice.

Poor dh is stressing about it as he feels like they are expecting him to go. If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year and will spend a week off work on my own.

Am I being unreasonable to say both myself and dh will not be going?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonablebil · 06/06/2016 11:07

Fil and his partner are going. Mil isn't as won't fly. We are the only other family invited.
Bil told dh not to stress about it but then made the comment that he could come on his own.

OP posts:
BettyCrystal · 06/06/2016 11:07

Two months notice for the States?
First of all there's the time off. Then the money... They are being u.

Goingtobeawesome · 06/06/2016 11:08

They chose to marry without anyone, they now want a party with everyone and gifts I presume, well tough if it's hard or impossible for people to go.

I'm not sure what we'd do in this situation with DH brother as it just wouldn't happen. At his ceremony he absolutely made it possible for us to attend with our young children and gave us all we needed to make it happen without us asking and we wouldn't have asked for what we got.

TheNaze73 · 06/06/2016 11:14

I think they're the ones being unreasonable here. However, it's their plans & you just have to go with it. I'm pleased you partner, isn't planning to go. I wouldn't have a problem in this circumstance however, the fact he's put your time together ahead of this, is good

TheCrumpettyTree · 06/06/2016 11:16

It's a party, abroad, with two months notice. I'm surprised anyone can make it.

If you do things abroad you have to expect people can't or won't go.

RaspberryBeret34 · 06/06/2016 11:17

YANBU. If your DH is OK with not going, could you save up and put the money towards going to visit them and celebrating with them (albeit not at the official party) next year? That way your DH (and you!) will get to spend some proper time with his DB rather than them being preoccupied with the wedding/party arrangements and other relatives etc.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 06/06/2016 11:19

How close are your husband and his brother? Does he feel it's worth giving up the holiday with you for what is essentially just an invitation to a party and to give them presents?

If he does, then fair enough, but if it's just the family guilt that's causing a problem then he shouldn't go. It's a long way to travel for something that doesn't mean a lot to him.

For my SIL I would go/tell my DH to go, because I love her and she has always done everything she can to help me when I needed it. For my own sisters I probably wouldn't take a bus, never mind a plane and a week off work.

Dogolphin · 06/06/2016 11:20

They can't really want either of you if they have only given 8 weeks notice at this time of year!

Dogolphin · 06/06/2016 11:23

YANBU. If your DH is OK with not going, could you save up and put the money towards going to visit them and celebrating with them (albeit not at the official party) next year? That way your DH (and you!) will get to spend some proper time with his DB rather than them being preoccupied with the wedding/party arrangements and other relatives etc.

This!

Original poster
Unreasonablebil · 06/06/2016 11:23

They live in the UK so we see them regularly. They were going to the states to visit her family and have decided to have a wedding celebration whilst there.

OP posts:
Littleballerina · 06/06/2016 11:27

they should have checked before booking?
really? yabu. not for not being able to go but for moaning about it.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 06/06/2016 11:27

I love my sibs and would be very sad to not have them with me at an important family day like this....

I also love my sibs and could not be ok with totally fucking up their entire family's finances and ability to have a holiday or get time off together this year just so that I had a nice day!

Spending that money to come abroad for you is a big ask, and it has to come with understanding that it may not be possible as it will have a big impact in a number of ways. On this family you love and care about. So presumably don't want to see negatively affected.

blindsider · 06/06/2016 11:27

They live in the UK so we see them regularly. They were going to the states to visit her family and have decided to have a wedding celebration whilst there.

That makes it even more bonkers!!

AddictedToCoYo · 06/06/2016 11:31

It is daft to give people only two months notice when they are expected to go to America. I think if they cared that much whether your DH was there they would have thought it through a bit better. However, If he wants to go and is able to go then I'd let him go alone and sulk quietly about it. It's only a week, you still have the rest of your leave together.

But I think your DH would be perfectly within his rights to say sorry, can't do it without Unreasonablebil

diddl · 06/06/2016 11:32

So at any time in the last two years they could have had a wedding celebration with his family if they wanted to?

But have decided to do that with her family-and ask his to fly out?

JeanGenie23 · 06/06/2016 11:34

They can't be expecting many guests if they think two months notice for USA wedding is acceptable.

Dogolphin · 06/06/2016 11:34

Send them a nice card and go on holiday together somewhere else! They are being very unreasonable!

I wouldn't go on principle!

RestlessTraveller · 06/06/2016 11:36

YANBU for being pissed off that you can't go, but YABU for moaning about it about it. As is often said on here it's an invitation, not a summons. Your husband either wants to go on his own or doesn't. If he wants to, he should go. You can all have a holiday next year, plenty of families don't get a holiday every year and thus is a once in a lifetime thing. If he doesn't want to go a polite no thank you will do.

agapanthii · 06/06/2016 11:41

it's just too short notice. I'd decline the invite as a couple and not feel bad about doing so, given the timeframes involved. Unless your dp really 'wants' to go, even alone; rather than just feeling that he really 'should' go.

AyeAmarok · 06/06/2016 11:41

I thought YABU, it's his brother, it's his wedding party, you can't go but no reason your DH can't. You always knew they were going to do this in America and it would have been expensive whenever ot was. A bit inconsiderate that they only gave 2 months notice, but it's still perfectly doable for your DH.

But then I read your update that they live in the UK. So I've changed my mind and instead I'm saying fuck that shit!

littlemissneela · 06/06/2016 11:41

My brother married his wife in Chicago just after Christmas a few years ago, as she is from there. My whole family was invited and initially I said we couldn't afford to go. Plus I didn't want to go without my hubby and 3 kids. After many months of wrangling with emotions, writing an email to all my family saying why we wouldn't be going, and then my dads response about him being my brother, the last one of us to get married, and basically saying I should be selfish for once (I never am), myself and my yd went to Chicago for 5 days. I am so glad I went, as it wasn't just being there for him on his big day, but we met their friends and her family. Plus, we got to see where he is now calling home.
But it was his wedding, with the pre wedding dinner and drinks the wedding and reception afterwards, plus a breakfast meet the morning after. Not just a celebration of a wedding that had already happened.
I think if it were just a party over there, we wouldn't have gone. He did say they were thinking of having the wedding over in the states and then have a party for his side of the family over here at a later date, with maybe a blessing. Maybe your BIL could do the same? Then his side of the family over here get to meet his wife and maybe some of his immediate family, if they are willing to fly?
I think if this situation was my hubby and his brother, I would tell him to go and have fun. You can get good flight deals, especially up to about 6 weeks before the date you wish to fly (I think it is, do check, but I know after a certain date they start to go up a lot!) and make sure you clear cookies when checking prices as they really are affected by previous searches.

ingeniousidiot · 06/06/2016 11:42

I was on the fence until you said that they live in the UK and that you see them regularly. It seems it's been done on a bit of a whim, no real planning or you would've had more than two months notice. It's not a wedding, it's a family meal/celebration that you've probably been invited too as an afterthought.

littlemissneela · 06/06/2016 11:45

Ah, just seen the update that they live over here, so that changes things a bit.
If you can change your holiday dates with someone else at work, why not both go and incorporate the party with a great holiday?

Wdigin2this · 06/06/2016 11:45

Sitting on the fence here. On the one hand, it's his brother and if he really wants to go, it's a shame to stop him going, because you can't!
However, the fact that if he goes, you'll not only be missing out on a holiday this year, but you'll be on your own during your time off, makes it a bit unfair!
So, jumping off the fence, I'd say, unless he's desperate to go, and can make it up to you some other way....then no, he shouldn't go!

MrsArthurShappey · 06/06/2016 11:45

They live in the UK so we see them regularly.

What? What? Totally insane.

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