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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family wedding

145 replies

Unreasonablebil · 06/06/2016 10:18

Bil and sil got married abroad a couple of years ago to help with a visa application. It was just the two of them there.
They now want to have a proper celebration of their marriage and this will be in the states as that is where sil is from. They have been talking about doing this for a while but have never set any dates.

Bil phoned dh yesterday and said they have set a date and they would love for us to come. The date they have set is in 2 months time and slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays.
I can not get this time off work as it is fully booked by people with children. We do have a couple of weeks booked off next month so could potentially see if someone minds swapping a week with me but I doubt this will be possible as they have booked it off to look after their children.
Dh spoke to bil and said it is highly unlikely that I would be able to get the time off. His response was that dh could therefore go without me!

I'm feeling pretty pissed off and hurt to be honest. If they really wanted us there then they should have checked we were available before booking it and given us more notice.

Poor dh is stressing about it as he feels like they are expecting him to go. If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year and will spend a week off work on my own.

Am I being unreasonable to say both myself and dh will not be going?

OP posts:

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 07/06/2016 06:09

I would decline but say that you would love to take them about to celebrate when they're back in the UK.

2 months notice for the US when they live in the UK is bonkers. At least it's bonkers if they then expect people to attend. And it's not even a wedding!

Whocansay · 07/06/2016 07:18

Just say no. This is madness, It's just a party no matter how much they are trying to dress it up. I think they are rude and thoughtless to be honest. I don't think either of you should be going.

I did laugh at the 'first world problems' post. Given this is a UK based website, what else would we have?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 07/06/2016 08:26

The ridiculously obvious solution to this is that they hold another party here, particularly seeing as op's mil won't be able to make the celebrations overseas.

Querty12345 · 07/06/2016 11:03

If you had esta problems it probably wouldn't be enough time either. Have they actually thought about what they are asking you or are they always this selfish?

Bolograph · 07/06/2016 11:10

Querty has it. Just accept the invitation, and then tell them that you've applied for an ESTA in advance of buying the tickets, which was sensible given the timescales, and have been rejected. So, regrettably, you're going to have to get it sorted and don't have time before the party. Enjoy, here's a nice card.

Of course, that means you can't have a holiday in the USA this year without arousing suspicion...

Summerdays11 · 07/06/2016 11:13

Would not give up my family holiday for a party - which is what this is . If they seriously want people there they need to give more notice or pay

clarrrp · 07/06/2016 11:27

Okay, some of you really need to listen to yourselves here. The OP is being a brat over this. Her BIL and SIL have arranged THEIR party in HER home country because that's what THEY want to do.

And yet all the bleatings of 'they are being so unreasonable by not consulting the Op first' - Christ! Really? Why should they arrange their lives depending on what the OP can manage. They have arranged a date and location that suits them and in OP can#'t go then tough. So be it.

To expect them to have consulted her before making their own arrangements smacks of entitlement, and the whining the OP is doing here because she might not get a holiday is truly pathetic.

So, you can't go. Get over it.

MangosteenSoda · 07/06/2016 11:41

They can do whatever they want. However, organising a party on another continent at relatively short notice means not many people will attend. I'm sure they will have a great time with the wife's family- after all, that's why the party has been arranged.

OP and her DH would have attended with enough notice. She's not being a brat at all. Most people would be unwilling to change their summer holiday plans at late notice, especially if it means a couple forego their time off together in order for one of them to spend a ton of money to attend a party abroad.

It's simple- just wish them well, but decline the invite.

Summerdays11 · 07/06/2016 11:41

I don't think she is bothered she can't go -I believe the issue is all the holiday money would be spent on her dh getting their.
I agree they can do what they like as short notice as they wish - but I would not give up my holiday for a party

Summerdays11 · 07/06/2016 11:43

I don't think op is a brat - I would kill before missing out on my yearly holiday . Send them a card op - not sure saying what as its not even a wedding - happy party maybe ?

Drbint · 07/06/2016 11:48

*A party in USA for something that happened 2yrs ago?

Hahahahaha!

I wouldn't even be considering it!*

Yep, this.

Stardust160 · 07/06/2016 11:52

No your not, they got married years ago the fact they are only celebrating now is odd tbh not to meantion the lack of notice they have given you to attend I doubt you will be the only ones not to attend.

tootyflooty · 07/06/2016 11:53

you are most DNBU, my bil married abroad where he was living (11 hour flight), then booked a blessing in another country ( where his mum lives),even though his children and the rest of his family live in the UK, both of which were totally unaffordable to us, my DH didn't even consider going to either, so it was only us that was missing.I think if you want to do any celebrating abroad you have to consider your guests financial situation, and have to accept that some people just won't be able to attend, I would have loved to marry in Italy, but knew it was a big ask for family and friends, and for me, having them share the day was more important to me that getting married abroad. Personally I don't think your DH should go, it sounds like he is reluctant anyway.

LagunaBubbles · 07/06/2016 12:10

If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year
Wow. First world problems

And your point is? Albeit said in a nasty manner?

I work hard all year round, as does my DH and 1000s of other people - I look forward to a holiday with him and my kids, and I would be a bit upset to if we all had to miss out on a family holiday because the money was needed at 2 months short notice for a transatlantic flight for a party.

The OP isnt whining at all.

altiara · 07/06/2016 18:21

Not surprised OP's DH doesn't want to go to a last minute party full of his Sister in law's friends and relatives in another country without OP. It's one thing arranging a holiday to include the party but otherwise sounds a bit awkward. I wouldn't do this in my own country - a week away to visit in laws relatives so I certainly wouldn't be paying to go abroad. (Well I'd agree to being alone at a 5 star spa with no socialising but I think that's a bit different )

Original poster

Unreasonablebil · 08/06/2016 10:04

Thanks to the people who say I am whining. Not what I was doing but there we go. I work hard all year so why should I not go on holiday??

So dh has informed bil that neither of us will be coming. I think bil is disappointed but understands.

OP posts:

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 10:07

Gosh. I would move heaven and earth to go to my sibling's wedding celebration and would be v v v unimpressed if my husband tried to stop me going. I guess every family is different.

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 10:16

Oh, come on, stealth, enough with the guilt trip. It's not a real wedding, just the party bit around it, years after they actually got married!

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 10:21

It's not a guilt trip, I'm genuinely amazed. As I said, I think different families work in different ways.

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 10:27

Can you not see how the way you put it comes across as such, though? And, again, it's not a wedding.

JeanGenie23 · 08/06/2016 10:29

Families do work in different ways, my family wouldn't expect each other to come to a party in the states with 2 months notice.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 10:34

YANBU! Stupid as all hell. 2 years later, for a party? If I were your DH, I'd tell my brother no as it means no family holiday.

It's not a wedding, it's a party 2 years after the fact for the benefit of her family.

stealthbanana · 08/06/2016 10:56

It's the only wedding celebration they've had! It's not unreasonable they'd like their families to be there.

I find those saying AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO WAY WOULD I GO, nothing takes priority over my HOLIDAY to sound cold, unfeeling and precious but each to their own sapphire. Not sure why I can't express my opinion on the thread. Agree to disagree?!

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 11:00

Well, of course you can express your opinion (you have!). And equally I and others can express theirs.

To be fair, people aren't saying that their holidays, or work, take priority over a family wedding; they're saying their holidays/work take priority over a party, several years after the wedding itself, thousands of miles away, organised on a whim and at short notice. I don't think that's cold, unfeeling and precious.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2016 11:10

He has a family now, too, this DH. It's not a wedding. It's a party 2 years after the fact. It costs thousands to go to the US in Summer, especially with that little notice.

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