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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD is 10 years old and wants to go into town wearing make-up - aibu?

177 replies

Evelynne · 04/06/2016 14:28

I have been kind of railroaded into allowing DD (10) into town with her two friends. We live in a city.

The mother of one of the girls approached me in front of both girls and asked whether DD could meet them in town this weekend. I didn't want to embarrass DD so I said I would think about it.

The mother then asked whether DD could go on a 4 hour shopping trip with the girls. I was unhappy with this and said I'd be ok with an hour, providing DD had a mobile and I was in town too....

DD has just told me that the girls wear make-up into town (DD doesn't make things like this up) and I am really regretting saying it's ok. I don't want my 10 year old alone in town with other 10 year olds wearing make up, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't be bothered if they were 13/14 but I do feel 10 is too young.

AIBU?

OP posts:
VioletBam · 04/06/2016 15:01

My 11 year old goes "into town" with her 12 year old friend. They don't wear makeup though! They sometimes dress in things I think Hmm to, but they generally look fine...I think it's normal to WANT to do these things but 10 is too young for a 4 hour trip...and makeup!

VioletBam · 04/06/2016 15:02

We live in a rural town...a township really...like a village..in Australia. It has a few shops and a market. I could shout and they'd hear me really...so not the same as a city.

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 15:03

I let my 10 year old go for a 'managed' amount of time, say 45 min or an hour in a small town with very few roads to cross, and this has gone quite well. I've been in town and met up with them and then met up an hour later.

I've only moved up to letting my 12 year old go into the city with friends by herself in the past couple of months, that's because it's on a bus, they are a bit silly and sometimes there are situations which are difficult (if someone approaches them).

I think an hour if you are in town too, with them wandering around a shopping area with a watch/phone is a good step towards independence.

The make-up thing is separate to me, does she usually wear it on the weekend? If no, then it's a no! My 10 year old occasionally wears a lipstick, I don't mind, I have found the less attention I pay it, the less they are interested in doing it. My 12 year old rarely wears any.

VestalVirgin · 04/06/2016 15:05

I don't want my 10 year old alone in town with other 10 year olds wearing make up, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why? Do you think pedophiles are more interested in attacking girls with make up than girls without?

I don't think 10 year olds should wear make up, I think it is really sad that they apparently have nothing else to do with their time, but since they already want to, I feel the most sensible course of action would be to treat it as a non-issue and hope they lose interest.

Don't oppose it too much, that'll just encourage her to make it a big and important part of her identity.

Do YOU wear make up? Children always want to imitate adults. The easiest way to dissuade her from using make up is to use none yourself.

Karlakitten1 · 04/06/2016 15:05

No way to the make up (they are 10! What the hell?!). If it's a bit of girls rollerball lipgloss then maybe, but not eyeshadow and mascara etc. The town a no for me too...too young, lots of dangers and odd people about. Why do they need to shop and go to town...they are 10?!

meowli · 04/06/2016 15:07

If it's an hour, and you're in town too, I wouldn't see that as a problem. I'm not the best person to voice an opinion on make up, as I don't have girls, and am intrinsically against 'adultification' (no, it's not a word Grin) of children, but I imagine lots of girls of that age do put on a bit of make up if they're going out, because it's normal for children to practice at being adults. Maybe you could 'help' her put on some make up to make sure it's understated enough!

VestalVirgin · 04/06/2016 15:09

Do YOU wear make up? Children always want to imitate adults. The easiest way to dissuade her from using make up is to use none yourself.

Before puberty sets in and they want to be different from their boring old mom, that is, and of course, the peer group is important, too.

Still, something to consider. It is hard to convince children that something their parents do is totally off limits for themselves.

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 15:10

Well, on the other hand, if they are off to secondary next year, surely this is an ideal time to get them used to being a bit independent. Surely when they walk to school or use the bus or whatever, they will have to encounter odd people and 'lots of dangers' because you can't actually keep them in the house til they are 16.

I agree four hours in full slap is a step too far, but I would go for a managed independence, so has she been to a local shop (no roads) before? To a farther away shop or walking to school?

What is happening in these towns in daylight hours which they won't encounter when at secondary school?

I actually think it's important to do a bit of independent walking/travel/shopping before they go to secondary.

Original poster
Evelynne · 04/06/2016 15:10

The mother then asked whether DD could go on a 4 hour shopping trip with the girls. I was unhappy with this and said I'd be ok with an hour, providing DD had a mobile and I was in town too....

Not drip feeding, just having to reiterate what I said in my OP.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/06/2016 15:10

Mascara and lip gloss would be fine IMO. Ds used to go into town at 10, couple of hours, had his phone etc. Small town though, not a city.

Elle80 · 04/06/2016 15:10

I wouldn't allow it. I don't think I'd allow a 10 year old in town without adult supervision either. I think I was about 12 before my parents allowed me (and no make up!)

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 15:11

I think your suggestion of in town for an hour with you hovering about is a good one, I would go with that (and do with mine)!

diddl · 04/06/2016 15:11

Ten years old me were still meeting up & playing together!

Mind you, 4hrs shopping-never has that appealed to me!

Original poster
Evelynne · 04/06/2016 15:13

So, have decided no way to make up, absolutely not, and yes to the hour.

I will set a clear itinerary, walking from one end of town to the next, I'll be in town doing roughly the same trip and will meet her at the other end an hour later.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/06/2016 15:13

I wouldn't allow her to spend four hours mooching around a town centre with her mates at the age of ten full stop Hmm. Never mind doing it in full makeup! Why would you even consider this??

Original poster
Evelynne · 04/06/2016 15:14

And this will be a one off. I'm going to look at other ways of extending her freedom rather than hanging out in town.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evelynne · 04/06/2016 15:15

Just to be clear I never agreed to the four hours and never would, the other parent suggested it and I said no.

I did however agree to an hour.

OP posts:
Princecharlesfirstwife · 04/06/2016 15:15

I suppose it depends what you mean by 'town'. My 10 year old dd meets her friends in town - but that means walking to the top of our road, turning left and spending an hour in Superdrug smelling the body spray, followed by a trip to the sweet shop. It's all pre-arranged and with an absolute time to be home - she is never more than 5 minutes away from home (and me). No make up mind. At 10 make up is still for playing with at home imo. Not that she'a asked yet. I don't think i'd let her be wandering round our local big city centre for a couple of years yet though.

Floggingmolly · 04/06/2016 15:17

It is hard to convince children that something their parents do is totally off limits for themselves. What nonsense!
There are plenty of things adults do that are inappropriate for children, and they don't need to be "convinced" otherwise.
Just say no Hmm.
Their time will come.

dancemom · 04/06/2016 15:18

I have a 10 year old.

The make up wouldnt bother me, dd wears some on occasions. I can't get too worked up about it, it's just decoration.

She's been allowed to go round a shopping centre with a friend before so I'd probably be persuaded to let her go into the city on the same terms as you stated - if she had her phone, if I was around also and there would be a time limit.

meowli · 04/06/2016 15:19

Why do they need to shop and go to town...they are 10?!

Very common for Year 6 children to 'go into town'. It's always been a rite of passage with my children and those of friends and most people I know. They need to be getting a bit of experience of independence and being able to navigate themselves around their locality imo. The vast majority of them will be going to and from secondary school on their own in a few months time.

diddl · 04/06/2016 15:20

"I'm going to look at other ways of extending her freedom rather than hanging out in town."

I think that at about 10, maybe a little older mine was allowed to go & shop for something specific-jeans & a jumper for example with a couple of friends.

Husband would drive them to a shopping centre & wait for an hr or so.

Don't they ever just want to be at a friends house anymore?

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 15:26

Mine go to friend's houses, to the cinema (dropped off and picked up by parent), into town (the older one) and walk about. It's a sociable adventure aged 11/12.

It also depends what the 'town' is- a huge city may be hard to navigate and a much bigger deal, the town my children went out in was so small, we used to bump into each other all the time (which isn't that cool!).

Having said that, 100's of 11 year olds get on buses and trains to commute to their new secondary schools in London every Sept. It would be quite odd if they had never been allowed out without a parent beforehand.

Janecc · 04/06/2016 15:26

An hour seems fine. I'd want an adult to be around in case of issues. I don't get the make up hang up. I don't wear make up myself. It's just something girls do sometimes.

pippistrelle · 04/06/2016 15:28

An hour of mooching round Claire's with her friends while you hover within easy reach sounds fine to me at her age if that's what she's into. Just as you said in your OP.

I'd even be relaxed about a little make-up if she really wanted to.

Ultimately, if she's going to be travelling to secondary school by herself in just a few months, it's good to start building up her confidence about being out without a parent.