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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX DH not interested in our son now he has new family

68 replies

Peppermintea · 03/06/2016 21:52

Sorry if this is long don't know what to do for best. Was with ex DH for 10 years married for just two. Found out I was pregnant soon after we married and we were TTC so DS now 4 was planned. Not long after DS born exDH started being awful to me, ignoring me and went on holiday with a group of friends including a few single ladies. He went on lots of lads nights out. To cut a long story short he cheated with at least three women, ended up in an affair with a woman he worked with. Tried to throw me and DS out and in the end for ease we moved in with my parents as couldn't face him. He set up home with OW and they've now had a baby. He used to have DS every weekend then moved it to EOW now once a week. Has never paid maintainance claims he had nothing but holidays a lot. OW confronted me told me I had to go back to marital name and change surname of "my runt" (DS) to my maiden name! It's on his BC! I went mad and we had as you can imagine a huge fallout.

Now DS not allowed to stay overnight with his dad the OW won't allow it. I wanted DS to have a relationship with his dad but honestly his dad is barely interested but when he sees him (2 hours a week and sometimes cancels) it's all over Facebook like he's dad of the year. I asked exDH for financial help for nursery he said no but been on two holidays in the last year.

At the end of my tether what can I do?

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 03/06/2016 21:57

I'm sorry your ex is such a horrible and weak man, in all honesty your DS is probably best not being exposed to him and OW. Start a CMS claim and get some maintenance from this waste of space.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/06/2016 21:57

Wow what a cunt louse he is

Fast answer is maybe your son is better off without a man like this in his life ? I mean really how on earth can he be a father , boost his self esteem when he behaves like this ?
And he has clearly found his level

He pays you nothing - and I really think if in the long run if it's better to ignore hi and let him drift

Peoplem of course is how to manage this with your son - how is his relationship with him

I am so sorry - he deserves nothing

shamelessmailhack · 03/06/2016 22:02

It sounds like you've been having an awful time. I feel terrible for you and your DS. Flowers

I think you are well rid of ex. If he's not going to make an effort then fuck it. He doesn't deserve his wonderful son.

ChicRock · 03/06/2016 22:05

Apply via CMS for maintenance.

I wouldn't actively push contact, I wouldn't text or call asking about it or reminding him, I'd just let that fizzle out for now.

purplefox · 03/06/2016 22:08

Your son will be better off without him. If you didn't push for their relationship would your ex still continue to see your DS?

CocktailQueen · 03/06/2016 22:10

Apply for maintenance via the CMS. But I'd let contact drift. Let him contact you and make the running.

WhyHasAllTheRumGone · 03/06/2016 22:10

Agree with pp. If he's going to disassociate himself from Ds the sooner the better . My children fought for years through courts etc for more and more contact. Eventually he stopped being angry at me and stopped "taking" ds away from me. Ds was 11 when he was dropped contact and he hasn't even called him once in the last three years. I honestly believe that DS's life would have been so much less disturbed if xh had just walked away to begin with.
Don't do anything. If his son is important to him, he will do the running.

Catvsworld · 03/06/2016 22:11

Sadly a lot of men do this

They basically feel it's a do over a simply blank out the first children and start again

He's better off much worse for him to
Be sitting on the side lines watching his dad play family man to others while he gets the scraps

WhyHasAllTheRumGone · 03/06/2016 22:11

Xh not children!

Greenyogagirl · 03/06/2016 22:11

Oh darling xx
I was there but ex didn't want contact from the start then decided he did years later.
Contact child maintenance options and ignore him. It sounds harsh but how will ow and her baby treat your ds as he gets older?
My son is 6 and has never asked about his dad or been bothered, I take him football, play on the park, teach him how to ride his bike etc and he's never missed out. Families are so diverse nowadays that he won't feel singled out for not having dad in his life. you are all your son needs xx

Catvsworld · 03/06/2016 22:12

My ex buggered off when ds was 4 and he has far less issues than my friends son who had this happen at 8

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/06/2016 22:14

I agree that for your Darling boy to get there and be treated as a second class citizen (runt - oh I could slap her ) will be very damaging

So pleased we all feel the same your darling one deserves better

MadamDeathstare · 03/06/2016 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Peppermintea · 03/06/2016 22:32

I can't get over how this OW is treating DS and the name calling. I have abusive texts from her too. DS and I are OK but when he does see his Dad he really enjoys and and to see him be forgotten about and sidelined is heartbreaking. I didn't know any parent could be so cruel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppermintea · 03/06/2016 22:33

Ex in laws very good and do babysit DS fairly regularly so still entwined with that side of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppermintea · 03/06/2016 22:34

I don't want to change my sons name to erase his fathers name why should I?

OP posts:
MadameDePomPom · 03/06/2016 22:37

The OW sounds like an utter bitch but your ex sounds like a cunt of the lowest order. How a parent can turn their back on their own child is just utterly beyond my comprehension.

To be quite honest I think your son would be better off away from the pair of them. There's no way I'd want to leave him with an indifferent parent and a stepmother who referred to him as a 'runt'.

Your poor little boy. It makes me so furious that kids can have such shitty excuses for a parent.

upthegardenpath · 03/06/2016 22:40

Block her number OP - you don't need the aggro and she sounds vile.
Anyone who can call an innocent child names, doesn't deserve to be called a mother herself.
Your Exe is being a twat and needs to cough up and step up, big time,
Agree with others who have said to contact CMS - try to sort out the financial and important stuff first. Then see how the idiot behaves and whether he is really interested in contact or not. Your DS and you are what really matter and you need to look after yourselves first.
As others have said, maybe your DS is better off without a so-called father who allow his new woman to call him names like that.
One day, maybe, your Ex will realise what a twat he's been. Many men don't, but some do.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/06/2016 22:42

Yes block her - you need to develop a massive suit of armour here - you do not need to receive this abuse . Block and ban her - she is dead

And remember leopards don't change their spots

upthegardenpath · 03/06/2016 22:42

FWIW - changing names is a very emotive issue and maybe not one you need to deal with right now, when emotions are running so high.
Perhaps when other things have been sorted first, then you'll have the head space to think about that more - if you want to.
No one can make you do anything though. It's entirely you choice.

upthegardenpath · 03/06/2016 22:44

I'd also make a record of all the abusive texts she has sent you in the past and show them to the police. Then tell her. Then block her.

Halo84 · 03/06/2016 22:50

Go to Child Support Agency and arrange for maintenance. Then DH will have no choice in paying you.

Maintain contact with the ex's family, so your son has a loving relationship with them. Don't bother subjecting your son to DH, unless DH asks to see him. There is nothing you can do about this, OW has all the power here, I suspect. However, take the high road with DH's parents, and ensure that, at the very least, he meets his financial obligations.

SpookyRachel · 03/06/2016 22:52

Oh, OP, he sounds horrendous. (And so does she.)

Can I just say - my mum spent my entire childhood trying to get my father to engage with me and his other kids. She never asked for money, as it would piss him off. She never nagged him to send us birthday cards (he never did). She used to get so excited if he said he was coming over (he rarely turned up - maybe once a year, and then he just talked to her and ignored us).

I appreciate what she was trying to do, but I don't think it was worth it. Tbh, I think the reason why my brothers turned into such decent men (and excellent fathers) is because they didn't have my father around as a role model.

You can only do what you can do. This really is down to him. But remember to protect your ds, who deserves not to feel like a second class citizen.

Halo84 · 03/06/2016 22:52

I also agree, block OW's number, block her on social media, don't listen to her voice mails, delete any emails she sends you. Don't change your name until you feel ready to do so, and don't change your son's name. That would probably be an issue for his parents.

Never badmouth the ex to his parents, or to your son. Your son eventually will understand the truth.

GigiB · 03/06/2016 22:53

Sounds like the sooner your son has no emotional attachment the better. As if it drags on an he keeps being let down over years, it might upset him. It is so sad about the surname. I wonder why he would do that? I'd be tempted to find out what it means legally by going to citizens advice too.
i'd definitely follow the formal route to claim cash from him asap.