EX DH not interested in our son now he has new family

[Peppermintea]

Sorry if this is long don't know what to do for best. Was with ex DH for 10 years married for just two. Found out I was pregnant soon after we married and we were TTC so DS now 4 was planned. Not long after DS born exDH started being awful to me, ignoring me and went on holiday with a group of friends including a few single ladies. He went on lots of lads nights out. To cut a long story short he cheated with at least three women, ended up in an affair with a woman he worked with. Tried to throw me and DS out and in the end for ease we moved in with my parents as couldn't face him. He set up home with OW and they've now had a baby. He used to have DS every weekend then moved it to EOW now once a week. Has never paid maintainance claims he had nothing but holidays a lot. OW confronted me told me I had to go back to marital name and change surname of "my runt" (DS) to my maiden name! It's on his BC! I went mad and we had as you can imagine a huge fallout.

Now DS not allowed to stay overnight with his dad the OW won't allow it. I wanted DS to have a relationship with his dad but honestly his dad is barely interested but when he sees him (2 hours a week and sometimes cancels) it's all over Facebook like he's dad of the year. I asked exDH for financial help for nursery he said no but been on two holidays in the last year.

At the end of my tether what can I do?

I wouldn't bother to tell him about CMS. Why give him the heads up. They will look at his tax return for last year. I would seek to establish a relationship with his parents which is completely separate with no mention of him, or I would go low contact. Your ex is a magnificent asshole.

oh op what a bitch to call your little boy a runt .i will be honest if it was me i would not make any effort on the contact front .and i would go back to my own name and change my sons if his dad not interested .my boy would have the name of the parent who loved and cherished him

how can his parents think this is ok .i would die of bloody shame if my son split up with his partner and ignored my darling grandaughters and refused to buy them anything or pay anything .

Less is more in this situation, you can let him know that you're contacting CMS (as a courtesy) but no more than that. CMS know what they're doing so I doubt he'll be able to hide all his income. & I wouldn't try to stop him from seeing DS as that could be twisted. And you're within your rights to refuse to allow your son to be around the OW... he's not safe around her. Allowing your ex the choice of yours, neutral place or grandparents is very reasonable.

I agree, I wouldn't give him a heads up re CMS, but if you have done that by text, don't engage with him any further on this issue. Let them handle everything.

I would wait a few years before changing your son's name. The reasons are:

1. This is still a new wound. You don't know where it will end up. Your emotions may be running high.

1. His parents will see the name change as your petulance. No matter how much of an arsehole their son is, he is still their son. Take the high road. In a couple years, once things have settled down, and assuming the ex still has no contact with DS, at that point, you could change his name then.

Don't push contact with DS, but don't deny it either. I would, though, say he is not to be in OW's presence, as she has said horrid things about your son (what sane person does this about a four year old???), obviously resents him, and you are concerned about your son's safety in her presence.

Even if OW would never physically harm your son, knowing that she views him as "second class", and not part of their family is psychologically damaging. There is no reason he needs to be exposed to that.

So I sent the text and things have got worse. The OW rang me from his phone and said I need to stop bothering their family and need to get a man of my own and a new life and change my name and move on . I tried to defend myself but was in tears by the end. Can't fight with these people any more

End all contact with this pair of fucknuggets and stop allowing them to have any power over your emotions (easier said than done I know!)

Contact the CMS, no need to give him any further information on this. His parents sound like good people so continue allowing them access. They must be so ashamed of having produced such a selfish and spineless shit of a son.

Re, your name. No one's business to dictate to you what your name should be.

The OW is clearly very threatened by your son. I doubt that your ex has any idea that she has been trying to get you to change his name. I would contact the GP and tell them what is going on.

Not only is she threatened by a child, she is also reminded daily that she is the OW, she is with a cheat. Deep down inside, there is a part of her that is waiting for him to cheat on her. She wants you and your DS to go away because you are competition.

Reap what you sow, I say.

You need to end contact to show your ds that he is not to be treated like this.

They are both nasty shits, I wouldn't let either of them near my child. If he wanted contact I'd make him fight for it. He either backs his son up,
Or doesn't get a part in his life. Where is he when she's asking him to change his name?

Don't engage anymore, go through the child support. Let and encourage ds to see grandparent but make it clear that he is not to see either his dad or ow, if they are unable to comply then they don't get to spend time with ds.

If ex wants to see ds make him make the effort.

Make a new email address and tell them you are only contactable through this address which you will check on given day. And you will it be answering the phone to either of them for the foreseeable future

If the OW ever calls you, hang up without saying a word. You are under no obligation to speak to her. If she comes to your home, don't answer the door. If she contacts you elsewhere, file a restraining order.

Keep a log of every call, starting today, so that if you do need to seek a restraining order, your evidence is handily available.

I would not change the DS' name for some time just out of spite, but that's me. :) I still think you shouldn't do so until a few years down the road, when you have some distance, and, therefore, more perspective on the issue.

I believe the fact that the ex has to meet his financial obligations is what triggered that call. If you texted him, and she saw it, it is because he showed her the text. I suspect it was because the ex wants OW to intimidate you, he doesn't want to meet his financial obligations to his son. He believes this will work, and to some extent, it has, as you are crying. That is what they want. They know that his requirement to meet his legal obligations to your son will crimp their lifestyle. All of a sudden, those vacations may not be as frequent. OW is a bully, and thinks she will make you surrender if she harasses you. Your ex is weak, allowing OW to fight his battles for him. So, Monday morning, start your claim and let CMS deal with the child support.

I would do one more thing. Send him a politely worded email with a read receipt notification:

Dear X,

You have told me you are too busy to spend time with [Son's Name]. I encourage you to see [Son's Name], however, I will not push it if this is something you do not desire. Please call or text me directly when you wish to see our son.

I would do this so that there is a recorded message that you did not block access. I suspect he will try to use his non interest in your son against you at some point, possibly to slink out of his financial obligations.

After you write the message, print it and save it, and don't delete it. It will prove that at no time did you restrict his access to your son.

She sounds unhinged !

Next time just hang up, don't let her know she's getting to you.

Don't engage anymore, go through the child support. Let and encourage ds to see grandparent but make it clear that he is not to see either his dad or ow, if they are unable to comply then they don't get to spend time with ds.

I don't think she can do that as the ex obviously has parental responsibility. In fact withholding contact could seriously backfire and make OP look like the unreasonable one. She needs to get the GP on side as I very much doubt they will be happy with what is going on.

Why on earth are you engaging with any of this nonsence?

You don't have to. You really really don't.

You don't need to text or ring or even answer the phone. You do not need to comunicate with him or her in any way other than at hangovers if applicable.

So what if he only ends up paying a tenner a week, that's a tenner more than you have now because right now your getting nothing.

So what if his parents want his contact to increase or continue, neither you nor they can make that happen the only person who can do that is DS's dad and as things stand at the moment he's not going to. If the inlaws bring it up all you need to tell them is you are not preventing any contact at all.

What's highly likely to happen is he's going to either continue to only bother with the 2 hours a week or he's going to reduce it further until such time as he fancies increasing it there is nothing you can do to change this. When he fancies increasing it for what ever reason unless your child is going to be at risk of significant harm if he tries to increase time using the courts he will be successful even if it takes him years to try, just prepare yourself for this just incase.

If you are lucky he won't bother.

As to the name thing. I personally would get his consent for a deed poll, having consent does not mean you have to do it but it does give you the option should you decide you want to, where as if things become even more hostile and you did want to do so and your ex figures out you want to then to upset you he won't give it, for everybody to accept a name change for a child you do need his consent (if he has PR) or a court order and courts really don't like ordering it.

Having a ex who has little to no intersest in his child but is willing to give consent to things because he can't be arsed is way easier than having one who cant give a shit yet hates you so much all he wants to do is block you from doing anything you need his agreement for and who only wants to have the child to spite you.

Granted the situation is not great nor is it good or even acceptable BUT if you can disengage and just concentrate on making sure your child is ok and not get into crap with the nasty spiteful pair then you stand a very very good chance of being able to parent the way you want to with little to no interference or nonsence or bickering and chances are he will decrease as much as he can whilst still being able to 'appear' involved to his friends

Errr that should say hand overs!

OW is a grade A bitch!! One day OP that will be her, trust me, I've been where you are.

My ex stopped contact with our son as soon as new partner fell pregnant. Lied about his wages etc so he didn't have to pay then made out I was stopping him seeing his son to anyone and everyone who would listen.
Eventually the truth came out when he started being violent to new partner/arson/drugs etc, left her and has nothing to do with that child either.

My advice would be to speak to a solicitor, make it clear you do not want to stop contact but would like contact to be arranged a grandparents due to OWs deranged behaviour and abusive comments towards your child. Speak to the grandparents and get them on board with this too. If you start saying he cannot see the child then he sees a solicitor it will look really bad, they strongly advise children to see both parents. Once contact is arranged then he will no doubt make excuses not to be there (or OW won't allow him .....), then speak with a solicitor again and say he's not keeping up with contact etc. Only saying this because if you stop contact and then at a later date he takes you to court for access you look unreasonable, if you do it this way you look reasonable and they will look less favourably towards access if he applies at a future point.

Also I'd advise doing that sooner than later because it will get him out of your lives quicker with not much of a leg to stand on if he tries again at a later date. If you just stop contact you and your child could move on, lead happy lives for 3 years and he could jump right in with court action and you're back to square one and your child will be even more confused!

If you can trust your exIL's, I'd start dropping your DS off there on a day good for them and say that you will communicate through them. If he wants to see his DS then he can do it there, you will have no further communication with him.