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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EX DH not interested in our son now he has new family

68 replies

Peppermintea · 03/06/2016 21:52

Sorry if this is long don't know what to do for best. Was with ex DH for 10 years married for just two. Found out I was pregnant soon after we married and we were TTC so DS now 4 was planned. Not long after DS born exDH started being awful to me, ignoring me and went on holiday with a group of friends including a few single ladies. He went on lots of lads nights out. To cut a long story short he cheated with at least three women, ended up in an affair with a woman he worked with. Tried to throw me and DS out and in the end for ease we moved in with my parents as couldn't face him. He set up home with OW and they've now had a baby. He used to have DS every weekend then moved it to EOW now once a week. Has never paid maintainance claims he had nothing but holidays a lot. OW confronted me told me I had to go back to marital name and change surname of "my runt" (DS) to my maiden name! It's on his BC! I went mad and we had as you can imagine a huge fallout.

Now DS not allowed to stay overnight with his dad the OW won't allow it. I wanted DS to have a relationship with his dad but honestly his dad is barely interested but when he sees him (2 hours a week and sometimes cancels) it's all over Facebook like he's dad of the year. I asked exDH for financial help for nursery he said no but been on two holidays in the last year.

At the end of my tether what can I do?

OP posts:

Halo84 · 03/06/2016 22:54

Oops - for "his parents", I meant DH's parents.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 03/06/2016 22:56

Sorry he's such a knob. I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage him to see his son.

I'd say he can see him whenever he likes and leave it like that.

My ex was like this, letting my DD down and I eventually stopped telling her he was supposed to be seeing her as it caused her so much distress.

I'd also take his sorry arse to CMS for maintenance. Saying he hasn't got it is bullshit. He will get no choice if you go through them!

Good luck.

Original poster

Peppermintea · 03/06/2016 23:00

I will definitely contact CMS. I need to get that ball rolling. This man I'm now dealing with is not them an I married I don't have a clue what's happened. How can someone allow their partner to restrict contact with their child? Is this just something men do, drop children when they get a new partner?

I know I'm wrong for this but part of me wants them to break up so they can't keep treating my son like a second class citizen plus I don't want them to be happy.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2016 23:03

Anyone,who can put a new partner, ahead of their children, is a grade A wanker.

Go down the legal route to get maintenance but, don't force the issue with your son. He ain't interested or is too weak

upthegardenpath · 03/06/2016 23:05

I'm so sorry OP, it really is shit

Why people claiming to be adults feel it necessary to drag children into their sordid little dramas, is beyond me.

One day, as Halo said, your son will know the truth and will understand that you did everything you could to protect him from this.
I agree that it's very important you maintain the moral high ground - hard as it may be - and never bad mouth the grandparents or anyone to your DS.
You want him to grow up treating people with decency, unlike his father and the OW.

TheUnsullied · 03/06/2016 23:12

He sounds fucking horrible. I've been through sort of similar ish, though my ex hasn't had another child.

My best bit of advice for you is that you can't fix how your ex is behaving or how his partner behaves. Don't try. Your job is simply to shield DS from the unpleasantness. You do this by handing the maintenance issue over to CMS. Do not engage with ex if he kicks off over it. And don't push access. Cooperate with the ex's requests as far as is reasonable. Distract DS when he's feeling let down or rejected. Block ex's partner entirely. She's nothing to do with any of this but evidently feels she's too important to not get a say. When you don't engage, she'll likely divert her self importance to your ex. Let them make each other's lives more difficult, not yours.

for you. Being both parents can be tough but as a PP said, families are very diverse nowadays so your DS needn't feel as though he sticks out like a sore thumb.

Sunnsoo · 04/06/2016 00:52

I feel sorry for the ow and ex. They both sound like damaged individuals in need of love. Poor them

MadameDePomPom · 04/06/2016 00:57

My sympathy is in short supply.

BillSykesDog · 04/06/2016 01:00

If it's any consolation I bet the OP won't last long either...

BillSykesDog · 04/06/2016 01:00

The OW! Not the OP.

puddingbunny · 04/06/2016 01:44

Yes, I can't see things lasting with the OW either. He clearly isn't dad material and if she was happy and secure in their relationship she wouldn't be sending you abusive messages.

NickiFury · 04/06/2016 08:14

I have no sympathy whatsoever for the ex and ow. They sound like an identical pair of cunts.

Agree with a pp who said it's easier the earlier it happens. Stop making the effort let it fizzle out, at his age he won't know much different. My ex sees our kids for about two hours once a week, if that. He does pay child support though and you need to get on that.

I think it's easy to mix our own emotions up with our children's in these situations. You're angry, quite rightly, that your ex has dropped the child you share but your child will be fine as long as he gets that vibe from you and you don't make a big deal of it to him.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 04/06/2016 08:42

Stop chasing contact - leave it to him. Block the OW from your phone and social media as it's nothing to do with her. If she carries on being abusive and aggressive then have a word with the Police via 101.

Contact CMS; he should be paying maintenance.

Original poster

Peppermintea · 04/06/2016 14:23

His parents who have been good to us want the contact to continue I can't just stop it now can I? It's just becoming less and less because of his commitments with new family. He's taking the OW and their baby on holiday but won't help out with DS for anything. I text him about CMS he says as he's self employed he doesn't have hardly any income as such because it all goes back into his business and he pays himself a tiny wage so he'll only have to pay £10 a week. At a loss.

OP posts:

DiggersRest · 04/06/2016 14:35

I'd tell his parents that he's not meeting his financial obligation. And don't take his word how much he earns, you know you can't trust him.

Him and his OW sound like utter vile pigs. I'm sorry for your ds.

Lovewineandchocs · 04/06/2016 15:00

Who cares if his parents want the contact to continue? It's what is best for your child that matters and contact only when your XH can be bothered to show up will be more damaging than no contact. Your DS can still maintain contact with your PILs but I think all ties need to be cut-I'd apply for maintenance then block him and the OW from all forms of contact with you.

Lovewineandchocs · 04/06/2016 15:00

All ties between you and XH need to be cut, I mean-apart from seeing your PILs

Original poster

Peppermintea · 04/06/2016 15:04

I blocked both him and OW on Facebook today I have deleted and blocked her number but not his. I want to send him a text along the lines of:

"I want to formalise arrangements between us regarding DS. I will be contacting CMS to go through proper channels so you can support your son financially. Also as you don't seem interested in DS any longer I want us to leave contact for a while and you will no longer be picking him up once a week until I feel you are reliable enough to keep to this arrangement, holidays or no holidays. I want nothing to do with OW I have blocked her number any conversation re DS is between you and I and not her."

Does that sound ok?

OP posts:

purplefox · 04/06/2016 15:16

His parents who have been good to us want the contact to continue I can't just stop it now can I

Why not let your son go to theirs once a week instead? There's no reason why he cant see his grandparents.

Was he supposed to be seeing him today?

BillSykesDog · 04/06/2016 15:40

Can he see his dad at his GPs? Just so you can feel confident that people who will protect him from any nastiness are there? And also if he doesn't turn up, at least he's seen GPs.

hippydippybaloney · 04/06/2016 15:49

I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with him around your exh while ow is there - if she says that so openly to you, I can only imagine how she treats him when you aren't there.

I would still let him see the gps, and if his dad wants to see him while he's there, fine

Original poster

Peppermintea · 04/06/2016 15:54

Seeing him at GPs is a good idea I will approach that with them and explain what's happening. They still see him as perfect and support him but they love their grandson so are very good with contact and they help out a lot buying grandson bits and pieces that he needs.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 04/06/2016 15:55

"I want to formalise arrangements between us regarding DS. I will be contacting CMS to go through proper channels so you can support your son financially. Also as you don't seem interested in DS any longer I want us to leave contact for a while and you will no longer be picking him up once a week until I feel you are reliable enough to keep to this arrangement, holidays or no holidays. I want nothing to do with OW I have blocked her number any conversation re DS is between you and I and not he

Send only the bit in bold. Leave out the rest, certainly dont give him any reason to excuse his behaviour...

Original poster

Peppermintea · 04/06/2016 16:11

Thank you will text now.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 04/06/2016 16:12

I agree with Oldraver. First bit good, second bit just gives him ammo.

Keep everything factual. Things like "as you don't seem interested..." just plays into his hand. Just stick to the bare facts.

I think the keeping contact between your ds and his paternal gps is wonderful. Definitely encourage your ex to have contact there with his DPs present.

Your ex is a prick, he really is. His partner is also a knob head. Consider stopping calling her the OW - that gives her way too much significance.

But you know the old saying "Marry the mistress, create a vacancy". Pity her. She is a bitter, twisted woman because she knows the truth. Deep down she knows that if he cheated on his wife with her, the day will come when he is cheating on her, not with her. She knows and she is terrified. Hence the attacks on you and your lovely boy. It is no excuse though to behave so appallingly towards a child. I suggest you do whatever it takes to limit this woman's contact with your son.

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