Dp asleep dd bathing younger dd wwyd

[Jordan1990]

Basically me and dp both work, I have dd aged 10 and dd aged 18 months. Instead of being in childcare they are going for a day out with grandparents and extended family for a day out, grandparents live 5 doors up. I leave for work at 7.30. Last night youngest dd woke in the night crying (if she cries longer than a minute or two she's sick) so rush in to settle her but wouldn't settle so brought her into my bed (dp had fallen asleep on sofa) anyway I was to late in calming her and she was sick so have got up stripped all bedding and redone it changed her and gone back to sleep it's about 2 in the morning now.

So up I get in the morning dd youngest needs a bath before going out this morning as she's smelling sicky but was still asleep. Dp wakes from the sofa at about 6 30 and goes up to bed I ask him could him make sure he baths dd before his mum comes at 9 15 to pick the kids. Yeah no problem all good. 7 30 comes and he's dozed off again with dd so I've woke him to tell him I need to go and he could do with getting himself and dd up shortly to get ready. I say bye to dd 10 who's getting dressed ready.

Get to work for 8 and get a call about 20 past from dd 10 saying hi mummy I kept trying to get daddy up but I couldn't wake him up so I've put little dd in the bath she's in there now what do I do. Am I right in thinking that most people would be horrified to think there 10 year old was bathing an 18 month old with no adult supervision? I've told her to wait there and not leave her in the bathroom alone. I didn't tell her to whip her out the bath as babies can be slippery little suckers when wet. Tried calling dp, phone off so called his parents and asked if one of them could run down and help and wake dp while they were at it.

Dp phones me to say his dad has come down and how dare I phone him to come down that me and dd 10 are undermining little shits and because of 'stunts' like these this is why he takes a back seat on being a parent.

Previous 'stunts' involve me leaving him with the kids while I got the dogs hair cut and within 20 minutes of me going he text to say get the fuck home now and sort these kids out. I phoned his dad and asked if he would popping down to give him a hand as I thought the kids were being a handful. As the dog groomer had just started cutting the dog and I can't leave him alone as he gets too stressed I thought would be best solution.

Am I being an undermining shit? Would u of left your 10 year old to carry on with bathing and changing baby? I'm sure I'll be on for a mouthful off him at some point over the next few days not after some long stoney silent treatment

Good point purplefox

You did the right thing. Why are you still with this man?

He's a piece of useless shit.

Your husband is an asshole.

I really feel for you OP - you're trying to provide for your family financially (sometimes singlehandedly), you are assuming full time responsibility for your children (also singlehandedly) and you also have to dance to the tune of your OH to placate his moods, which, if you're unsuccessful at you receive a whole load of abuse and criticism. You are in effect a single parent. But to 3 children instead of 2. And your two actual children are less hassle and more helpful than the man child (probably even your 18 month old!)

I feel for you because the alternative to living like this is being an actual single parent, which you're obviously more than capable of doing, without the criticism and the constant treading on eggshells but instead you have to worry about your children whenever they're in his care.

What do his parents think of his actions after this morning?

You're not an undermining shit, he is an abuser.

Get out, and get your children out.

His parents no what he's like, the last time he lived with them they had him removed by police because the couldn't cope with his behaviour and I believe they didn't talk for a couple years, I think in all honesty they try and turn a little bit of a blind eye and help out on occasion when they no I'm getting a particularly hard time, but try and stay out of it. Which I can appreciate they don't wanna intervene and saying anything to him would probably only make it worse for me. But they love the kids and if I ever needed to just remove myself from a situation before it escalated there door would always be open x

everything is fine when I am because I can manage his moods more, keep things tidy, do the cooking make day out arrangements, get little one off for a nap deal with tantrums from kids anything that I no may send him into a change of mood - this is so sad. So you're on eggshells, trying to 'behave' so you wouldn't upset him. I bet you spend most of your working day worrying about in what mood he will be in, again. And how he will ruin your evening, again.

It's not you though. Even if you were perfect, he would find something, because of who he is.

He sounds awful.

My first thought was that he was unconscious and thankgod his parents were nearby.... and then I read on.

Your poor poor DD1. Have you considered why she bathed DD2 - maybe she does actually know how awful he is and knew that he would take out his bad mood on you later if he had to bath his own child.

My God. I really can't believe that you live like this :-(

And what if one of your children send him to a change of mood one day and he calls them a little shit to their face or worse? If you're earning all the money, doing all the childcare and housework what does he bring to the relationship?

He sounds abusive. His behaviour sounds very similar to my ex. My 5 year old dd has called me in the past to say she cant wake her father (when she is supposed to be at school!). He started off doing stuff like this and ended up with trying to strangle me, among lots of other horrible stuff. OP, you really need to evaluate your relationship seriously and read up on domestic abuse if you dont know much about it. You've only given us a snapshot but its setting off big fat alarm bells

You need to kick him out. He is not a husband or a father but a great big man child.
Why could your DD not wake him? Why is he shouting abuse at you down the phone? I bet your DD heard this. This is not modelling good relationship behaviour for her at all. Do you have any idea what he is like when you are not around?

Do not leave the kids alone with him again. It's not safe. For your older DD mental health nor for your younger DD's physical safety.

How old is he OP? He doesn't seem to contribute anything to family life, either financially or personally! Is he the dad of DD10? Just wondering how long you have been stuck with this cock lodger? Even his own parents seem to dislike him.

Anyone can be the best father in the world for 5 minutes.

He sounds utterly reprehensible, a nasty husband and a terrible parent tbh.

Were you born in 1990? Just wondered. You would have had dd1 at a very young age and perhaps not had much time to yourself to explore the teenage years Into womanhood. Now you've got a manchild to look after. Where do you fit in in all of this? Do you want to model this type of relationship with this man to DD1? Regardless of your age, you and your girls are worth so much more. I'm feeling really sad for you. This man is ruining your life. And your children's lives. What is your family support network like?

Yeah I was 14 when I got pregnant, feel like I need to explain myself a bit there, had dd 10 when I was 15, obviously not planned, just young and naive,had a lot of family support (after the abortion cut off period) and moved myself to a specialist school for girls on my situation. Was always determined to break the stereotype of teenage mum and worked hard after school had 2 jobs worked my way up with a finance company and got offered my own office 350 miles away so moved on a relocation package 5 years ago just me and dd, we are very close, I suppose I've never counciously known a life without being a mum, prior to 14 you no how memories are a lot more vague, Met dp, him and my oldest developed a great relationship, I suppose was a lot easier for him as she was 5 and no tantrums, at an age they could communicate easily after a couple years she asked if she could call him dad, which I held off for, then when I fell pregnant again and she asked again a bit older now and been together longer I agreed 😁In hein sight he's always been very manipulative with me, but he is the type that could convince you the sun is blue. Got made redundant from relocation job at 19 weeks pregnant and then everything just went on a bit of a shit spiral! Landlord wanted his house back to build on the land and renovate for himself, no job made it extremely hard to find somewhere else to live, used my redundancy money to live pay bills etc while I was off but since Jan I've been back to work which caused uproar, but I think because i have no family and only a couple of friends in old area where we lived he got used to me being here, and doing more and more. One of his arguments for not going back to work was how would he get up for work if I wasn't here, it was gonna ruin his routine, he wouldn't see younger dd at all because he would be in bed when she left and he'd be at his unit when she got home, so I was taking the kids from him.

Anyway I'm back to work which I think helps give me a bit of independence back And mix with other adults again.

AND when he phoned last night to give me hell about how it was my fault the mornings events happened if I had put a charger by the bed his phone wouldn't of been dead and I could of called him and not his dad. It wasn't his fault he never put the baby in the bath DD did so why is he getting the blame it's just me making him feel like a bad parent because i must take enjoyment from shaming him in front of his family. This went on for about 45 mins but I told him I didn't want him to come home, I want going to be screamed or swore at the phone and he wasn't passing his inability to wake up on me or the kidS. I didn't want him to come home and not to bother trying as id be leaving he keys in the other side of the door. Woken up this morning to empty bed and empty sofa and no man banging on the door.

thanks for all the advice I will start as I mean to go on

WTF - his phone running out of battery is your fault how? Unless you stole and hid his charger

He sounds like he is incapable of taking responsibility for anything. No job, no income, no childcare, no stuff round the house, not even himself.

You've clearly worked so hard for a better life for you and your DDs, don't throw it away on this chump. Don't let them think this is how men should treat women.

Oh dear Jordy, I am wishing you the very best. Onwards and upwards from here! You will do amazingly as a single mum.

Stick to your guns Jordy. I'm proud of you. Onwards and upwards. Go girl!

Well bloody done. I'm reeling. The shock and . It sounds as if you managed getting pregnant and having a child so young admirably well. You sound like and amazing and strong young woman!!

I cannot believe how you describe yourself that he has manipulated you for so long - it must be a big blind spot. You survived him not working, dossing and then he didn't even step up when you were pregnant and made redundant - and kicked out of your home. I am so glad you've finally had your eureka moment!!

Do you have support to look after your children? Or will you be depending on the pils?

I presume he had his alarm set on his phone (given he slept later than he should have got up) and yet he sill chose to go back to sleep knowing that his phone wasn't on charge so wouldn't wake up on time? I can't believe he's trying to blame you for every small thing that led to yesterday mornings events happening.

Did something happen to trigger his anxiety and depression? Because it seems like he used to be better with DD1 and wasn't as unreasonable. Ultimately if he's not going to get proper help for those issues you can't force him but if he doesn't I think he stands to lose his family. Would he have gone to his parents last night? Do you think they would have told him how unreasonable he's being? Or do you think it wouldn't make a difference if they did?

You've obviously achieved a lot for yourself and your girls - don't let him hold you back.x

I forgot to say he's a parasite.

If he doesn't want to get mental health help you have no choice but to leave him behind. You and your children are the most important.

Aww did he get caught out being a shit lazy fucker again? Poor diddums DP! Perhaps if he had actually done his job as a parent, then he wouldn't have been "undermined" (HA! Fucking HA!) by you having to call in the emergency reserve to save your DDs from potential harm!

No YANBU. And yes I would have phoned anyone I could get hold of, and if not been able to get hold of them, I would have begged my boss with any emotional blackmail available to let me out to get back to them - but only as a last resort!!

He's an idle, feckless bastard who doesn't give a shit about the welfare of his children, over his own selfish wants.

Let him give you the silent treatment - it will save you having to think of polite ways to answer him!! And how DARE he call your DD a "little shit" as well

What did his father say to him, that's what I'd like to know? Obviously they realised that there was a problem since they helped out, but did they actually SAY anything to their waste-of-skin offspring?

Hope you decide to give him the boot after this.