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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp asleep dd bathing younger dd wwyd

164 replies

Jordan1990 · 02/06/2016 12:27

Basically me and dp both work, I have dd aged 10 and dd aged 18 months. Instead of being in childcare they are going for a day out with grandparents and extended family for a day out, grandparents live 5 doors up. I leave for work at 7.30. Last night youngest dd woke in the night crying (if she cries longer than a minute or two she's sick) so rush in to settle her but wouldn't settle so brought her into my bed (dp had fallen asleep on sofa) anyway I was to late in calming her and she was sick so have got up stripped all bedding and redone it changed her and gone back to sleep it's about 2 in the morning now.

So up I get in the morning dd youngest needs a bath before going out this morning as she's smelling sicky but was still asleep. Dp wakes from the sofa at about 6 30 and goes up to bed I ask him could him make sure he baths dd before his mum comes at 9 15 to pick the kids. Yeah no problem all good. 7 30 comes and he's dozed off again with dd so I've woke him to tell him I need to go and he could do with getting himself and dd up shortly to get ready. I say bye to dd 10 who's getting dressed ready.

Get to work for 8 and get a call about 20 past from dd 10 saying hi mummy I kept trying to get daddy up but I couldn't wake him up so I've put little dd in the bath she's in there now what do I do. Am I right in thinking that most people would be horrified to think there 10 year old was bathing an 18 month old with no adult supervision? I've told her to wait there and not leave her in the bathroom alone. I didn't tell her to whip her out the bath as babies can be slippery little suckers when wet. Tried calling dp, phone off so called his parents and asked if one of them could run down and help and wake dp while they were at it.

Dp phones me to say his dad has come down and how dare I phone him to come down that me and dd 10 are undermining little shits and because of 'stunts' like these this is why he takes a back seat on being a parent.

Previous 'stunts' involve me leaving him with the kids while I got the dogs hair cut and within 20 minutes of me going he text to say get the fuck home now and sort these kids out. I phoned his dad and asked if he would popping down to give him a hand as I thought the kids were being a handful. As the dog groomer had just started cutting the dog and I can't leave him alone as he gets too stressed I thought would be best solution.

Am I being an undermining shit? Would u of left your 10 year old to carry on with bathing and changing baby? I'm sure I'll be on for a mouthful off him at some point over the next few days not after some long stoney silent treatment

OP posts:
Buggers · 02/06/2016 14:00

Leave him before social workers get involved and take the kids. If your dd rung the police earlier because daddy wouldn't wake up and she was concerned they would have gone then and there. What would happen if the 18month fell down the stairs? Got out the door? Or in this case drowned? It's not worth risking. Please leave him and I never ever say LTB.

shiveringhiccup · 02/06/2016 14:03

Why couldn't he be woken up?

DD1 just taking the adult responsibility like that makes me wonder if she regularly has to parent her younger sister. Children don't normally just step in like this. Obviously this is only a snapshot but this is a red flag of neglect to me.

Even more red flags around your partner's behaviour. Abuse and neglect.

I would consider leaving. Contact Women's Aid if you are scared of what he will do. Also lots and lots of love for both your daughters, maybe as PP have said take DD1 out for an ice cream and some special time with you.

I think the conversation with DD1 should of course include a casual chat about safety etc as PP said but also asking about of she regularly has to shoulder the parenting burden when DP is neglecting them.

Good luck, sounds awful Flowers

EttaJ · 02/06/2016 14:05

YANBU. He is an out and out twat. I feel awful for you all putting up with that.

mommybunny · 02/06/2016 14:15

I was also wondering if DD1 is DP's or someone else's, given the age gap between her and DD2. There is definitely an element of disassociation going on between DP and DD1, and of the DD1 having felt some burden of responsibility before.

Damselindestress · 02/06/2016 14:19

You were right to ask his parents to pop round under the circumstances. Your younger DD was in the bath without adult supervision, she could have drowned! Her safety was the priority. And your poor DD1 was trying to help, albeit in a misguided way, so your partner is completely wrong to call her or you "undermining little shits". Did he say that in front of her? It could be very damaging to her if he did. And using the fact that you had to call someone else in to help as an excuse to take a back seat to parenting is ridiculous of him when you wouldn't have had to call someone else if he was awake and actually parenting. I think his reaction to this incident is very telling, if he felt awful and it was a wake up call for him that would be one thing but he's blaming everyone else instead of taking responsibility and making changes. He has shown he's not mature enough to look after your DC. He is not meeting their needs physically or emotionally and your DD1 will pick up on his horrible attitude towards her and you. How will you feel if she ends up in a relationship like this when she's older? She's learning what to expect and accept in relationships from you. You and your DC deserve better than being treated like this.

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 14:21

you were right to get another adult in

also if he wasn't so clearly an irresponsible git, some people might have panicked at the words "I can't wake daddy up"

And the thing with the dog - bloody hell. Does he not realise they are his children? This is ridiculous. He has no business being left in charge of an 18 month old. I think you might need to kick him out.

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 14:23

OP also just thought - as you've had to get his parents involved before, will they help out with childcare? Clearly they know their son is a stupid little shit so I'm thinking if you leave they might be able to help with childcare on a regular basis.

at the very least can they help sit him down and get it into his head that he's meant to be parenting?!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/06/2016 14:33

If I were you I would start using actual childcare and I would be working out how to demonstrate that shit like this happens then I would be kicking him out.

CurlyBlueberry · 02/06/2016 14:34

Bloody hell. You know, at first I was going to say you were a little bit unreasonable to go out and leave him sleeping - but then I re-read and saw YOU HAD ALREADY WOKEN HIM, you didn't leave a sleeping man in charge... so despite being awake he CHOSE to go back to sleep!!! I find that unbelievably awful. My DH sleeps very deeply and has slept through my 3yo trying to wake him before, so I can sympathise with that, he genuinely isn't lazy but sleeps very deeply. However if I'd woken him to be in charge of the children, no way in hell would he go back to sleep.

You have described a lazy, incompetent man here. I would be fucking furious. What do your ILs think of his behaviour? He should be ashamed.

TiverMeShimbers · 02/06/2016 14:35

Dear god that is awful. I think you did exactly the right thing in the circumstances.

Your DP needs to grow up and learn some parenting skills as well as general respect for other people.

I would not stay with anyone who called me and my daughter "undermining little shits" in the circumstances you have outlined.

If nothing changes and you stay, your poor daughter will learning that this is what an acceptable relationship looks like. Is this the kind of relationship you would like to see her in?

scampimom · 02/06/2016 14:35

not supervising properly is one thing - most of us will have had the odd moment when we were distracted or something. It's the attitude and the language that shocks me. You do know that isn't normal? To call a little girl a "manipulating little shit"?

If it were me, he'd come home this evening to his suitcase on the doorstep and bolts on the doors.

DixieNormas · 02/06/2016 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle · 02/06/2016 14:51

On his terms, you can't win. If you try to sort things out when he fouls up like this, you're undermining him and pushing him into taking the back seat as a parent. But if you leave him alone to fall asleep whilst in charge of the children and never do anything about it, he will be taking even more of a back seat. From his point of view that's fine, you get to do all the work whilst he sits in front of the TV and crashes out on the sofa. If you dare to upset his equilibrium in any way, he will shout and sulk.

He sounds considerably less mature than your 10 year old.

Lynnm63 · 02/06/2016 14:57

I wonder how much parenting your 10 yr old regularly does for your toddler. I cannot imagine my kids thinking to bathe one of their siblings without being expressly told to. My guess is your 'D'P told your eldest to look after the toddler and went back to sleep. She probably played with her, fed her and then thought mum said she needed a bath before we go out.
You know that you're lucky you didn't get a call from the police saying your toddler had drowned in the bath. This is your wake up call, please use it wisely OP.
Anyone who rang me and told me to get the fuck home would be separated from his gonads pretty quick.

I'd go home and kick the useless prick out. There is no way life without him can feel any worst than with him in it. Even if he's as rich as Croesus and looks like Brad Pitt (from the 1990's) you're still better off without.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/06/2016 15:05

What did his parents have to say about rescuing his children from him AGAIN??

Itsseweasy · 02/06/2016 15:13

I feel so, so sorry for your 10 year old trying to help. I can just imagine her worrying and not knowing what to do, bless her heart.
As a previous poster says, your children are not safe with him.
I hate to think how verbally abusive he is to them if he speaks like that to you.
I would put my children before my relationship and get well rid.

IrisPrima · 02/06/2016 15:24

OP as a father he is pretty useless, from what you've said.

As for posters blaming the OP, cut that shit out.

Janecc · 02/06/2016 15:35

I'm seeing him more as string vest husband on an 80's sitcom Keeping up Appearances: Hyacinth Bucket's bil, played by Geoffrey Hughes. But more foul mouthed. Not attractive.

At least at 18 months, your dd2 was unlikely to drown unless left unsupervised. You really did the right thing. Now it may be time to get rid of this idiot.

Fyaral · 02/06/2016 15:45

He needs his arse handing to him. What do his parents think?

Kenduskeag · 02/06/2016 16:03

Christ, under what rocks do people find these men?

Get him out, before your poor girls learn that this is how men should treat them.

MeridianB · 02/06/2016 16:06

You have a great big, lazy, horrible 'stunt' living under your roof by the sound of it.

He called you and your daughter 'shits' and can't be left for a few minutes without ordering you back to 'deal' with his children?

His reaction to being caught out sounds really unpleasant but mostly he's putting you in a situation where you cannot leave him alone with his own children at all. So what's the point of him?

KatharinaRosalie · 02/06/2016 16:14

At least at 18 months, your dd2 was unlikely to drown unless left unsupervised - true, but unless there's a phone in the bathroom, DD1 most liekly left her unsupervised at least for some time, while she was making the call.

Janecc · 02/06/2016 16:42

Yes, Katharina. I agree. That didn't pass me by either.

puddleduckmummy · 02/06/2016 16:54

My DH spoke to me like that he wouldn't be DH for very long and putting your older daughter in that position and then blaming her and you? What an absolute dick. WWID? Tell him to leave

Kittyrobin · 02/06/2016 16:56

For all the people saying ltb I would worry about him having responsibility for the children on his own. He's not even safe to look after them for 30 mins. What a shit situation to be in.