Dp asleep dd bathing younger dd wwyd

[Jordan1990]

Basically me and dp both work, I have dd aged 10 and dd aged 18 months. Instead of being in childcare they are going for a day out with grandparents and extended family for a day out, grandparents live 5 doors up. I leave for work at 7.30. Last night youngest dd woke in the night crying (if she cries longer than a minute or two she's sick) so rush in to settle her but wouldn't settle so brought her into my bed (dp had fallen asleep on sofa) anyway I was to late in calming her and she was sick so have got up stripped all bedding and redone it changed her and gone back to sleep it's about 2 in the morning now.

So up I get in the morning dd youngest needs a bath before going out this morning as she's smelling sicky but was still asleep. Dp wakes from the sofa at about 6 30 and goes up to bed I ask him could him make sure he baths dd before his mum comes at 9 15 to pick the kids. Yeah no problem all good. 7 30 comes and he's dozed off again with dd so I've woke him to tell him I need to go and he could do with getting himself and dd up shortly to get ready. I say bye to dd 10 who's getting dressed ready.

Get to work for 8 and get a call about 20 past from dd 10 saying hi mummy I kept trying to get daddy up but I couldn't wake him up so I've put little dd in the bath she's in there now what do I do. Am I right in thinking that most people would be horrified to think there 10 year old was bathing an 18 month old with no adult supervision? I've told her to wait there and not leave her in the bathroom alone. I didn't tell her to whip her out the bath as babies can be slippery little suckers when wet. Tried calling dp, phone off so called his parents and asked if one of them could run down and help and wake dp while they were at it.

Dp phones me to say his dad has come down and how dare I phone him to come down that me and dd 10 are undermining little shits and because of 'stunts' like these this is why he takes a back seat on being a parent.

Previous 'stunts' involve me leaving him with the kids while I got the dogs hair cut and within 20 minutes of me going he text to say get the fuck home now and sort these kids out. I phoned his dad and asked if he would popping down to give him a hand as I thought the kids were being a handful. As the dog groomer had just started cutting the dog and I can't leave him alone as he gets too stressed I thought would be best solution.

Am I being an undermining shit? Would u of left your 10 year old to carry on with bathing and changing baby? I'm sure I'll be on for a mouthful off him at some point over the next few days not after some long stoney silent treatment

FATEdestiny Thu 02-Jun-16 12:44:16

"It's wouldn't occur to my 10 or 11 year old to bath the toddler in that situation. They just don't think in ways that responsible, since at 10 they are just children.

So there is an element here about why she felt responsible, unprompted by mum or dad, to act in such an inappropriately responsible way. It suggests a mindset difference to carefree 10 year olds who don't have such expectations placed on them."

That does seem slightly unfair to the OP. There are children (of both sexes) who are simply born maternal and love doing things for their older siblings. My niece was one of them: did all sorts of things for her baby brother, learned to cook for the family at a very young age, drove them all round the bend with her tidy ways- yet she was a very happy child in a loving family with two fully functioning and hands-on adults. She just enjoyed doing grown-up things.

I took on the role as a second mother to my little brother, not because he didn't already have one, but because it gave me pleasure.

So that part of the story is not necessarily worrying. The fact that the father sounds a useless shit is.

He sounds a wanker. If you plan to stay with him then you will have to completely detach from his sulks and silences and give him both barrels. He was asleep and not supervising his children, end of, no argument to be had, he wasn't up to the job, he needs to pull himself together and be a proper dad or fuck off. don't be afraid to approach this OP, I had a similarish situation once (once) and had to read the riot act for the sake of my daughter, it's too important to walk on eggshells around and he can't defend himself.

What an utter cock.

I suppose it might be that your 10yo didn't really try to wake him, but he's still a cock (and if she hadn't tried, I'd be wondering if it was because she's afraid of him).

He isn't fit to be in the same house as your daughters, let alone be left in sole charge of them.

And you can point out that nobody undermined him, he undermined himself by being asleep and not looking after his kids ffs

The only thing you undermined was your Dh's ability to be a lazy, entitled fuckwit. Your Dd was trying to help. It's about time he got his act together and started being a parent.

This is your problem:

"Previous 'stunts' involve me leaving him with the kids while I got the dogs hair cut and within 20 minutes of me going he text to say get the fuck home now and sort these kids out. "

That is what puts him in the worst light tbh.

Do you not have a land line? Your DH's mobile being off should have surely been neither here nor there if he was in the house - what did your DD phone you on? Did she not think of phoning the closer adult?

Why couldn't your DH be roused - was he hung over or does he have a sleep disorder or was he pretending because he is an arse?

I think DD could have bathed an 18 month old when she was 10 tbh but part of the reason I think that she would have been mature enough is ironically that she wouldn't have bloody started to do it without an adult's permission and without that adult awake on stand by on the same floor to come if she called...

I would kick out any man who called my child an undermining little shit.

He sounds like a lazy waste of space

Agree with pp, he's the shit, your poor daughter. He obviously has form for this, so I'd be kicking his arse out pronto

There is one undermining little shit in your family.
Your partner

I wouldn't call it a stunt exactly. However, with this piece of behaviour
"Previous 'stunts' involve me leaving him with the kids while I got the dogs hair cut and within 20 minutes of me going he text to say get the fuck home now and sort these kids out. I phoned his dad and asked if he would popping down to give him a hand as I thought the kids were being a handful. As the dog groomer had just started cutting the dog and I can't leave him alone as he gets too stressed I thought would be best solution."
I do think you could have left the dog alone. But you wanted to kind of 'tell on' your DP to his parents, because basically you are sick to the back teeth of his sorry ass and feel his parents should help you shoulder the burden of him. Fair enough. So a stunt - No. You trying to make a strong statement to his parents - yes. You are trying to communicate something by your behaviour where you repeatedly call down the parents to witness his incompetence. So my advice is to be straighter with him. It is your relationship and its your responsibility not his parents.
If you want to kick him out, kick him out. You can't expect to call his Mummy and Daddy to take him away for you no matter how loudly you shout to them.

You can't expect to call his Mummy and Daddy to take him away for you no matter how loudly you shout to them.

That's not what happened - Op couldn't get her partner by phone and the daughter couldn't wake him.

Was he supposed to be up for work? Or going out with the kids?

Not that it really matters!

Sounds like your ten year old knows exactly how useless her father is so she is trying to pick up the slack. Has she had to 'parent' her little sister a lot because of her dad's uselessness?

I would take dd out for a treat because she sounds wonderful and there tell her how you appreciated her efforts but follow up with an explanation of the dangers and how she shouldn't have to worry about things like that.
Then I would get rid of the lump that is your H as it sounds like he only adds more work to your day. If a grown man still has his parents on hand to rescue him from his own children then that is not others undermining him, it's him being a piss poor adult. Think of it the other way round, if he called your parents to help get you up in the morning, wouldn't your parents be bewildered instead of rushing around? Or if he called them because you were struggling with the DC after 20 mins, would they feel the need to rush over and help or would they be confident that you had it all under control?
The way he speaks to you alone is enough of a problem, never mind the rest!

Does your partner have a substance abuse problem? I just can't imagine somebody who is not either under the influence of drink or drugs or heavily sedated who can't be woken up, especially as it was morning.

I think your partner sounds horrible. I don't think I would every forgive someone for speaking that way about my child and for behaving in such a deplorable way in the first place. He should have been up and taking care of the kids while you were at work.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with a person like that.

You were so far from unreasonable it is hard to see you.

HE should have been supervising.

Are they all his children? Where does this attitude come from that YOU must sort them out?

I would not be interested in continuing S relationship with this man.

This would make me wonder what else your dd has been doing for her little sister while you are not home. How else would she get the idea to bath her? Even my very put-upon niece wouldn't have thought to do this for her brother (11yr age gap), and she did MORE than her fair share of "parenting" her sibling because her mum was a lazy fecker.

I would have a little chat with her to find and find out what else he has her doing that he should be doing.

Aside from anything else, had she not rung you & continued to leave her sister in the bath to rouse her father, your youngest child could have drowned. And your oldest would have carried the guilt of that for the rest of her life, even though it would never have been her fault.

Your children are not safe with him.

Your dd1 should be heaped with praise, first, for wanting to help and being a fab sister, second, for realising she had bitten off more than she could chew and calling you.
And if my dp had spoken like that about my daughter our relationship would be over. He sounds extremely irresponsible and immature anyway.

Sounds like your ten year old knows exactly how useless her father is so she is trying to pick up the slack. Has she had to 'parent' her little sister a lot because of her dad's uselessness?

This. Is he your DD's [age 10] father? Is there some sort of disassociation from her that would make him refer to his own child in this manner?

Aside from that, what exactly does your husband/partner bring to the party? He sounds like a total waste of space, and a deeply unpleasant one at that.

Is your DP your DD's father? How could he be so deeply asleep that he couldn't be roused? We all know how bloody persistent a child is when they want you to be awake! It seems strange that he couldn't be roused - had he been drinking the night before (hence sleeping on the sofa)?

He's a dick, either way. What do you get out of the relationship?

Was he supposed to be up for work? Or going out with the kids?

baby needed bathing as she had been sick in night, and was due to go out with grandparents for the day. It's all in the op!

You can't expect to call his Mummy and Daddy to take him away for you no matter how loudly you shout to them. He wasn't waking for his dd, and he wasn't hearing his phone...was op to just leave her daughter to bathe her sister?

He sounds like a total cock. Words almost fail me.

You did exactly the right thing to get another adult round there.

You need to get rid of this lazy arse, op.