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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that the kids were left alone?

315 replies

Therearenonamesleft · 02/06/2016 12:19

My OH got home late last night after drinks with friends. He got a taxi home and this am forgot that his car was still parked at the station. I leave for work earlyish in the morning and he is responsible for taking the kids to school / holiday club most mornings. Today he suddenly realised his car was at station after I'd left for work so he gave the kids breakfast (DS is 7.5 and Dd is 5) and told them to be sensible and not go upstairs or open the door etc and that he had to go and fetch the car. He claims he legged it all the way and was back home in 8minutes.
I feel furious and sick with worry and unease. AIBU? I think they're too young to be left alone even for this short amount of time. I shared my concerns and husband said he sees my point of view but disagrees as he thinks the risks are minuscule. I've asked him not to do it again - at least until DS is competent at making a call on the landline should some problem arise. They are both very sensible children and I often leave them playing upstairs etc while I'm in the garden etc but they are always close enough to call me. Should I take this any further? Is this a safeguarding issue I need to be worrying about? I don't want to over react but I feel uncomfortable about his inability to guarantee it won't happen again.
Thanks for reading all this! Any sensible advice welcome.

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 02/06/2016 15:03

Why would OP necessarily notice whether her husband's car was there? In our road if we get back late we regularly have to park some way away from the house, or even in the next road. If I go out first I certainly don't go checking to see where my DH's car is.

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 15:06

it is highly unlikely that in this country in this day and age that leaving under 10's unsupervised at home would ever be considered acceptable parenting by the people that tend to have to consider that sort of thing

But there is a growing body of evidence that constant supervision of children has its dangers and shortcomings as well. Children's (and later adolescents) self reliance and ability to judge situations, take risks, make decisions, judge danger etc

I'd rather start with the odd 10 minutes unsupervised at 7 and build it up than wait until they are teenagers before they have ever been left alone.

I agree a 7 year old should not have been in charge of a 5 year old and that is the issue so OP is not being U.

diddl · 02/06/2016 15:07

I was wondering when it might be Ops fault.

I guess she should have gone into work late after taking the kids in?

Was your husband at work today?

I assume they aren't within walking distance?

Buzzardbird · 02/06/2016 15:21

To be fair, OP didn't say he was '"drunk", she said he took a taxi home after some drinks with friends. 'Some drinks' may have been 2 or 3. He would have been sober this morning.

fishnoses · 02/06/2016 15:22

AugustaFinkNottle

Because he came back drunk in a taxi the night before - how could his car possibly be there?

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 15:24

she might have been asleep when he got in

she might not expect to see the car right outside, if they live in London there's a good chance they will routinely have their car parked half way up the street...or indeed on the next street!

NewLife4Me · 02/06/2016 15:34

I'd be more worried about him driving when still under the influence which he is likely to be if he left the car the night before.
He sounds like a totally irresponsible parent to me, but my kids come first.
I'd have gone mental tbh.

Natsku · 02/06/2016 15:39

Bit of an overreaction - you need to find some common ground with your DH on this matter. And definitely time to teach both your children how to use the phone - my 5 year old knows how to call me.

Some 7 and 5 year olds are sensible enough to be left alone, some aren't, only OP and her DH know if theirs are or not. I know I'm happy to leave my 7 year old SIL looking after my 5 year old DD while I pop to the shops.

corythatwas · 02/06/2016 15:51

I would not have been happy with this, but would have thought a quiet word would be sufficient. 7yo on his own I probably wouldn't have gone as far as the quiet word.

But where is the evidence for him being drunk? What is wrong with "responsibly took taxi because had 1 or 2 drinks last night, sober this morning" as a scenario?

Original poster
Therearenonamesleft · 02/06/2016 15:58

Not managed to read all the responses but need to reply to a few things. No I didn't notice his car was missing in the morning as we don't have off-street parking so sometimes you park your car a few doors away or even round the corner. I was asleep when he came home the night before so didn't know about the taxi. He got the taxi because he missed the train to our station so that was next quickest option so not due to drinking too much.
He could easily have walked the kids there and then driven them to holiday club from there - that was my point to him! Could have just phoned holiday club to say sorry we're running late - it's not as though it was even a school day to get marked down as being late!
I used the term safeguarding as I was wondering whether this process might occur if either DS or DD had mentioned this incident at the holiday club to one of the adults there, I do not intend to report him to the authorities myself! But I also do think it's good to look at our own actions and those of our partners and anyone else who takes care of our kids and try view through the lens of 'would I accept this if it were a childminder/ nanny/ au pair or grandparent doing it?'
What I meant by 'taking it further' is whether or not I change my work patterns in order to not leave him in sole charge in the am's (and evenings) as we currently do split the childcare on a fairly 50:50 basis atm. I think this is probably a step too far right now as it is not going to be easy to change my work hours but I will be monitoring the situation. Mainly pissed off that he refuses to see my point of view or agree not to do it again.
The phone issue is important and I will sort it out. Our landline is not used much these days and is unreliable and we haven't bothered getting a new handset so yes I will see to that!
Thanks for all the feedback! I posted yesterday on the wwyd board under different title but didn't get a response.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 02/06/2016 16:02

YANBU I would have gone mental if DH had done this with DC that age.

He should have walked them all to the car and driven from there.

CarolH78 · 02/06/2016 16:17

If that's what you meant by safeguarding then the short answer is no, leaving them alone at home in a safe environment for 10 minutes would not provoke any kind of safeguarding issue if it was mentioned to school etc. You are not supposed to leave under-12s alone for "a long period of time" or to leave them alone in any situation likely to be risky. It's not as if he left them in the street or something. Leaving them alone in your own home for 10 minutes is not even remotely a safeguarding issue. It's just an issue where you, as one of their parents, feel uncomfortable with it while your DP, as their other parent, disagrees.

You obviously feel that your judgment should take precedence over his, which suggests you view him as the junior partner when it comes to parenting. Is that accurate or not at all? You say you do about 50/50 childcare so would you agree that his opinion should carry equal weight to your opinion here? If he felt uncomfortable with you leaving them alone upstairs while you're out in the garden, would you stop doing that? Or would you argue your case that you don't feel there's any risk? It just sounds like you and DP need to find some common ground.

FankEweVeryMuch · 02/06/2016 16:19

YANBU, I would be pissed off if my H did this with our children.

I also can't see why he didn't get everyone ready for holiday club, all walk to the car and then go from there.

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 16:20

OP "Mainly pissed off that he refuses to see my point of view or agree not to do it again."

he is telling you that he doesn't agree in the sense of "I will leave the children with no adult in the house again"?!!

kitkat1968 · 02/06/2016 16:21

I some times think the world has gone mad! 2 sensible school-aged children left alone in their own home for 8 minutes.Realistically, what are the chances of them coming to serious harm?

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 16:26

kitkat, I admit the chances are not high
but 40 years later, I still remember a local lady who did similar with her two children, one child was disabled. the woman was hit by a car on popping out.

A day or so later, the woman woke up in the hospital, raised the alarm and the disabled child was dead. The older, non-disabled child had not been old enough to raise an alarm or get help. She was found utterly traumatised next to her baby sister. I still weep thinking about it.

I've also had the chap in the flat next door bang on my door because his boiler caught fire and it was spreading fast. It just went from perfect peace to "boiler exploding". Sadly life is like that.

AugustaFinkNottle · 02/06/2016 16:33

Mainly pissed off that he refuses to see my point of view or agree not to do it again."

But there are around 100 people on here who also don't see your point of view. So maybe think again?

Peppermintea · 02/06/2016 16:36

How can he not agree not to do that again? As soon as I read your OP I was horrified. In my eyes it is a safeguarding issue. How can anyone lack so much common sense?!

Blood boiling for you.

Leta86 · 02/06/2016 16:42

When I was 7, my DSis1 5.5 and DSis2 1 we were left for 3 hours every afternoon as my DM worked and couldn't afford full day sitter (Dad was drafted, it was wartime). That included a nappy change 4 days out of 5. We managed. Was I happy about it? No, and I still resent it a bit. Did it do me good? Hell yes, babysitting paid my way through college. Overprotecting might not be the best thing for kids, you know. As for SS, YABVU. Take a chill pill.

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 16:45

Leta, is war a reasonable comparison for this situation?

People do leave kids if they can't avoid it. If you can avoid it, why would you leave them?

PacificDogwod · 02/06/2016 16:46

Nothing happened.

End of story. Non-issue as far as the kids go.

If it is an issue between you and your DH, you need to hash that out with him and it's a relationship problem, not any kind of 'safe guarding' or safety problem IMO.

I feel I better not share here when/how/how long I and my brother were left alone as children (and loved the responsibility we felt we were given) and the occasions I have left my DCs on their own.

PacificDogwod · 02/06/2016 16:48

See, in my eyes it IS common sense that children that age can be left for a few minutes on their own.

It's all about risk assessment and what level and likelihood of adverse event an individual is comfortable with.

Arkwright · 02/06/2016 16:51

I would be furious if my husband left my children at that age.

AliceInUnderpants · 02/06/2016 16:53

YANBU. I would be very upset in this situation. A 7 year old should not be left feeling responsible for a 5 year old. I hope the children are not upset

Abraid2 · 02/06/2016 16:59

They were left for ten minutes?

I can't see what the fuss is about, assuming they have no particular needs.

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