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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious that the kids were left alone?

315 replies

Therearenonamesleft · 02/06/2016 12:19

My OH got home late last night after drinks with friends. He got a taxi home and this am forgot that his car was still parked at the station. I leave for work earlyish in the morning and he is responsible for taking the kids to school / holiday club most mornings. Today he suddenly realised his car was at station after I'd left for work so he gave the kids breakfast (DS is 7.5 and Dd is 5) and told them to be sensible and not go upstairs or open the door etc and that he had to go and fetch the car. He claims he legged it all the way and was back home in 8minutes.
I feel furious and sick with worry and unease. AIBU? I think they're too young to be left alone even for this short amount of time. I shared my concerns and husband said he sees my point of view but disagrees as he thinks the risks are minuscule. I've asked him not to do it again - at least until DS is competent at making a call on the landline should some problem arise. They are both very sensible children and I often leave them playing upstairs etc while I'm in the garden etc but they are always close enough to call me. Should I take this any further? Is this a safeguarding issue I need to be worrying about? I don't want to over react but I feel uncomfortable about his inability to guarantee it won't happen again.
Thanks for reading all this! Any sensible advice welcome.

OP posts:
Mari50 · 02/06/2016 13:41

I left my DD(7) in the house alone eating her dinner one night to go to the supermarket to get something (can't remember what it was but it was essential that I got it- ketchup probably) I took her walkie talkie and we kept in contact the whole time. I looked like a twat chatting into a pink walkie talkie, it was the highlight of my daughters evening and she absolutely loved being on her own. I was riddled with guilt and doubt I'll do it again anytime soon. Still waiting for ss to knock on my door.

shiveringhiccup · 02/06/2016 13:45

No one on MN can tell you if YABU or not. Whether a child is old enough to be left depends completely on the individual child. Some children would cope for a few minutes aged 7 and could use the phone in an emergency. Some couldn't.

Regardless, if you are unhappy with this you need to have a good long chat with your partner about it.

Safeguarding issue Your use of a formal term makes me wonder if there are other issues in your relationship? Do you trust him with the kids?

Buzzardbird · 02/06/2016 13:47
RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 13:49

I leave my 7 year old in the house while I pick up his sibling from childminder. He has my phone number, knows to call it if worried and not to answer the door. Takes about 8 minutes. I COULD take him with me but is he any safer crossing a busy A road than he is at home watching Stampy?

I also know never to mention this to anyone IRL.

And Biscuit to whoever mentioned MM.

JacquesHammer · 02/06/2016 13:53

Ok

It was a minescule risk - he made a judgement call as a parent. Absolutely nothing at all went wrong. You've discussed your concerns with him.

If he were to do it again I would be miffed but seriously - why the need to take it further?!

Mrskeats · 02/06/2016 13:53

Honestly what an overreaction
That bloody safeguarding term again on top
Ridiculous

chocolatemademefat · 02/06/2016 13:57

Where will you take it to? Do you really just need everyone to tell you he was wrong? Of course he was but it was the best solution he could come up with at the time. Things happen in life and we have to do the best we can.

Hopefully you bawled him out for it but now its time to let it go.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 02/06/2016 13:58

RichyBestngFace have you told your 7 year old not to mention it to anyone in RL as well?

AugustaFinkNottle · 02/06/2016 13:59

Why do you feel sick with worry 4 hours after the event when they're perfectly safe?

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 14:03

RichyBestngFace have you told your 7 year old not to mention it to anyone in RL as well?

No.

Obeliskherder · 02/06/2016 14:05

But the issue for OP is that her DP isn't prepared to promise it won't happen again. It's not something one parent should decide unilaterally. Until both parents are ok with it, one shouldn't be leaving them home alone against the wishes of the other.

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 14:06

he needs to not do it again but there's no need to report it!

out of interest, why didn't he take a cab to school with them and then to the car? Ran out of money after drinking last night?! That's what he should have done .

I presume what you're really worried about it is that he will do something that stupid again so ask him why he didn't do something more sensible in the first place.

branofthemist · 02/06/2016 14:07

No one on MN can tell you if YABU or not. Whether a child is old enough to be left depends completely on the individual child

Op seems that she would think it was ok if the oldest could use the phone. Although why a 7 year can't use the phone I don't know.

Op said

I've asked him not to do it again - at least until DS is competent at making a call on the landline should some problem arise.

So she must think the oldest is responsible enough. Just that her dh should have taught him to use the phone.

blaeberry · 02/06/2016 14:14

I think they are too young to be left. I have just started leaving my very sensible 9 year old for up to twenty minutes, but we went through and practiced a list of rules before I did so. These include what not to do at home (e.g. Using kettle, stove, bath, etc), what to do when someone phones or knocks on the door, what to do in an emergency, how to phone my mobile and what to do if I don't get back when she expected.

Car accidents rarely kill all the occupants, much more likely would be that you would be delayed for some time while sorting out insurance or have to walk home so 8 minutes becomes half an hour and the children start to panic. Alternatively (given the circumstances) he could have been pulled over and breathalysed. I wonder what the police would make of you saying you couldn't go to the station because you left a 5 and 7.5 year old alone?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/06/2016 14:19

It depends what you mean by take it further?

If you mean find a way in house to make yourself confident that it won't happen again then no problem.

It is highly likely to be an issue if he does not understand why he shouldn't do it, it is highly unlikely that in this country in this day and age that leaving under 10's unsupervised at home would ever be considered acceptable parenting by the people that tend to have to consider that sort of thing regardless of how many people who don't have to decide these things disagree

And unfortunately he has now placed you in a position you don't wish to be in, yes he is an equal parent however he has done something you believe to be unacceptable he is appearing to lack understanding as to why so you cannot reasonably be sure he won't do it again therefore you could reasonably be expected to manage a known about risk.

you used the word 'safeguarding' so what,it is actually a word that is perfectly appropriate to use you do not have to have a special licence to ask the question, it's a mainstream term now.

I would ignore the people ridiculing you over your use of the word and it being in relation to a family member more children are exposed to safeguarding risks from their own family than any other situation and perhaps if more people where able to stand back from that family tie and did ask the question early enough perhaps people like me would see the words 'unable to protect' or 'lacks comprehension of issues raised' on various documents of the type that really matter to families.

Before anyone jumps all over this post and thinks it's intended to mean that you should go running off and reporting him to children's services or leaving him that is not what I am saying, Tho in this area a report of that nature would generate an actual visit as would it in the neighbouring areas. all I'm saying is you are not wrong for being concerned.

Sometimes loving caring decent parents do stupid things and sometimes the other parent needs to step in and either stop it or point out that it's stupid.

We like to think we have total and sole decision making power over our own kids and our own risk assessments are all that matters but in reality we don't and whilst we have services that get involved in these matters what they think matters far more becuase they can and do step in.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 02/06/2016 14:20

I also think leaving 1 child is different from leaving 1 child in charge of a reception age child - though 7 is still too young to be left alone imo.

CarolH78 · 02/06/2016 14:28

"They are both very sensible children and I often leave them playing upstairs etc while I'm in the garden etc but they are always close enough to call me."

You're unconcerned about leaving them unsupervised while you're in the garden but you're freaking out about your DP leaving them unsupervised for less than 10 minutes because he was out of the house? Sorry but I agree with others that you are really overreacting (and words like "safeguarding" are totally OTT).

There's the same risk of something going wrong while they're playing upstairs unsupervised as while he was out of the house. I know you're obviously thinking that's different because you're "there" but not all accidents create a lot of noise and you might easily not realise something had happened and just carry on in the garden in blissful ignorance. It's a tiny risk but the risk of something happening while your DP went to get the car was equally tiny, so if you're comfortable in the upstairs-garden situation why are you so worried about the DP-fetching-the-car situation?

Whoever said upthread that there are some kids you can leave on their own for a few minutes and some you really can't is spot on. I wasn't comfortable leaving DS unsupervised for more than a couple of minutes until he was 7/8, even if I was elsewhere in the house, because he was apt to experiment and blow stuff up cause trouble, whereas DD was fine from about 3/4 without me worrying she'd cause an accident.

If you know your DC are usually sensible then leaving them alone in the house for a few minutes really isn't a big deal. And 7 years is plenty old enough to use a phone.

Baileysagain · 02/06/2016 14:29

It's happened, just explain your concerns to him and tell him not to do it again. You don't need to take it any further.

diddl · 02/06/2016 14:33

YANBU imo.

Talk of safeguarding & taking it further are ott, but really, he thinks that it's fine for a 7yr old to look after a 5yr old because he forgot about his car & then cba to take them with him/ask a neighbour/phone a taxi.

What a twat!

scoobdoob · 02/06/2016 14:39

Did you not notice his car was missing when you went out to work?

houseeveryweekend · 02/06/2016 14:39

Not an issue as a one off. Your 7 year old should be able to dial 999 and understand when they need to do that or dial a mobile number for you that you leave next to the phone. If it were longer than that or a regular occurance id understand you being upset. Its not a 'safeguarding issue'!! Its entirely up to the parents when they feel its ok to leave their kids alone in their own home for short periods. I think personally that at 7 i would leave a child alone for ten or twenty mins at home. Obviously you dont feel the same and thats fine but to say its a safeguarding issue is overreacting in the extreme!! Just say to your husband that youd prefer it if he didnt do that again as it makes you anxious.

CotswoldStrife · 02/06/2016 14:46

Is this real? You left for work and didn't notice his car was missing when you knew he'd got a taxi the night before?!

fishnoses · 02/06/2016 14:47

Was just writing message when I realised SCOOBDOOB beat me to it!

When he came home drunk, surely you realised that he hadn't driven.

Did you not notice no car there that morning??

scoobdoob · 02/06/2016 14:54

And you were happy for him to drive your children to school/club early this morning after drinking last night?

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/06/2016 15:02

I think you might want to have a long hard think about what the consequences of "taking it further" could be. Why would you deliberately involve social services over something which, whilst you disagree with it, has turned out to be a non issue.

Unless you're planning on leaving him anyway?