AIBU about this wedding guest and WWYD?

[OverUnder]

My partner and I are getting married at the end of July. I'm chasing guests for rsvps especially the day guests. We have a very limited number that can attend and there are still a couple of people I'd love to be able to squeeze in.
We have one guest, a close friend of both our families, who cannot give me a definite yes or no. They have a potential job offer which may take them across the country, which will mean they can't attend. Now, if this were any other guest I'd have no problem if they let me down at the last minute, but this guest has very, very specific and difficult dietary requirements so the food they have on offer is extremely limited. If they can't make it, I can't fill the space and will have to pay for the food that won't get eaten. I feel kind of put out and want to say that maybe I should swap their day invite for just an evening invite both because of the space I could easily give to someone that'll definitely be there and because of the money we'll lose if they just don't turn up, but then I feel like a total bitch because this is a close friend we've known for years. I've tried to explain this to the guest in a gentle unbitchy way but it's like they're not hearing me and I end up feeling all bridezilla.
So WIBU to be more blunt, potentially hurting their feelings or do I just accept it? WWYD?

Yeh!

Frankly this friend does sound rather hard work. I wouldn't dream of messing a bride and groom around, I'd just bow out gracefully. And if to boot I had special food requirements I'd tell them to go ahead and cater as normal and I'd bring a tupperware box.

At my nephew's wedding the worst guestzilla was someone who rang dsis and wanted to know the menu, and suggested that a suitable meal for her 10-year-old son would be a medium rare fillet steak. Dsis nearly exploded! As if one guest could be sitting there with fillet steak when everyone else was eating chicken supreme or whatever.

I too don't think I'd have a problem being bumped from an evening to a day guest - people have budgets and once you start running off with the day guestlist, it can all be a but much - so I'd understand limited numbers.

Don't quite understand why people are saying just invite for the evening. OP will still have to provide food that the guest can eat even though it's not a 3 course meal being provided and the venue will need to know that and numbers for the evening.

True, the OP will probab;y have a buffet on or something later in the evening that may have to be adapted, but it would be cheaper and probably a little easier to cater for.

The guest can also ensure they have had a meal before they come to the wedding.

Good result OP. And hopefully you have learned that you don't need to take deadlines given by organisations like wedding venues as gospel/unbreakable rules - commercial client-facing organisations are always willing to negotiate to some extent, particularly on minor details, as long as you don't take the piss.

One question though - if your friend with the special diet does take the job, will you be able to fill his/her space at 2 weeks' notice or have you now given up the idea of inviting someone else?

At my nephew's wedding the worst guestzilla was someone who rang dsis and wanted to know the menu, and suggested that a suitable meal for her 10-year-old son would be a medium rare fillet steak. Dsis nearly exploded! As if one guest could be sitting there with fillet steak when everyone else was eating chicken supreme or whatever.

Guestzilla's are the worst!

My BIL has questioned my menu choices as he doesn't like anything on the menu.

It's a simple menu of veg soup, then either chicken breast and white wine sauce or mushroom risotto.

Annoys me when people don't understand that you can't please everyone!

stops taking thread off on a tangent

We have another guest who's not far from us who is love to have as a day guest but have no space for. They've already said they'll snap up a last minute opening.
We're having a posh picnic for the wedding breakfast - so homemade traditional raised pie, tarts, homemade sausage rolls, scotch eggs, sliced meats, marinated olives, stuffed peppers, Kentish cheeses and pickle, Ken hand cut crisps, fresh potted mackerel, breads, salads, potato salad, coleslaw and Greek salad. Desserts are with homemade ice-cream sundae or a trio of desserts. Evening food is handheld BBQ - sausages, burgers, chargrilled chicken, with brioche, sesame and crisp buns, French bread, tomatoes, caramelised onions, cheese and salad. Evening buffet is £12 a head, so much cheaper than wedding breakfast.

That sounds lovely! I'll stand in for flakey fussy guest! And that sounds like a spread with a lot of variety - couldn't she have a bowl of salad and a glass of mineral water?

Rhodabull awfully unfair to describe the guest as flakey and fussy when they have severe medical issues and a clear, important reason for not being able to confirm until closer to the date.

Good manners would dictate that the guest expresses regret but has to decline if they can't commit, and good manners would equally dictate that if they have extreme food issues they would say, "Don't worry about me - I'll find something I can eat." The OP has described the wedding breakfast fare and it doesn't seem like a sit-down meal where one only has one option.

Op said eating the wrong foods could land said guest in hospital Rhoda. You are simply lucky to not have such health issues. Not to mention
dismissive.

I agree with RhodaBull, good manners should dictate that they decline your invitation unless they can give you a firm acceptance at this stage. Even if they are moving one would have thought that they could have made the effort to come. I'd do as other suggest and politely offer them the alternative of an evening invitation.

I think your friend is being rude. Her plans may be uncertain but a good friend wouldn't expect you to bear the burden of that with respect to your wedding arrangements. It's not a barbeque you're hosting.

I am not surprised the venue wants to know now - if they didn't put a line in the sand about things, I bet lots of people would mess them around rather nearer to the deadline.

I'd be pissed too but I am not sure how hardline I'd feel able to be.

I think I'd do something like what the previous poster suggested: shall we assume the evening for now, so there's less pressure on you?

whoops - i've just seen your menu. Which sounds delicious by the way. I don't mean to be snarky!

Personally I think you should just go ahead and tell this person that you've had to change their invite to an evening only invitation. Why allow it to go on, I wouldn't. Weddings are stressful enough.

Janecc - you know nothing about my or my family's health issues - in fact I recognised OP's friend's list of food exclusions straightaway as the Fodmap diet. What I can tell you though is that food difficulties is not a free pass for rudeness.

It is true I don't. My family treat me very much like my "special diet" is too difficult and am so used to being dismissed because of my illness. They don't cater for me, I bring my own food. Her friend was described earlier as a special snowflake or some such earlier. I think from what you are saying I misinterpreted your comments as another in the dismissive category so I'm sorry I did that. I also read the comments about FODMAPS and about it not being a great diet. I'm not sure it is this diet anyway as she said all fruit and normally FODMAPS people, who get the diet prescribed can eat X but not Y and the online guidance says certain fruit is allowed. I didn't like the sound of it either when doing my dietary research.

Is the meal so odd no one else would eat it?

It doesn't sound vegetarian friendly to me though....

My DD1 1has been asked by an ex boss bride if she would come if upgraded to a day guest at last minute (she lives where wedding is being held)She has said she would be delighted and asked the bride if she can go to the ceremony whatever ,as she would love to see them wed . It's not all about the meal...And the bride has been quite upfront about it
Last yearDD1 partner missed a wedding as got a nasty bug the day before .Bride slotted in someone who was fine about it .

FODMAP is the most successful evidence-based IBS treatment, according to registered NHS dieticians (as opposed to unqualified nutritionists).

Try telling that to ds (actually I can hear the chain being pulled as I type...)

I was in a comparable situation a few years ago when some close friends got married on my DSis's due date when I was due to be her birthing partner. I declined my invitation to the reception, explaining the situation to them, and explained that I'd still love to come to the ceremony and evening do if they would be happy to have me, and I'd sort myself out with some food in the afternoon. I couldn't go in the end but it meant that I quickly freed up my space at the reception for someone else; I certainly didn't keep them hanging.

Sounds like you need a new dietician, Rhoda!

Is there no one else who would be happy to have this special meal if the friend doesn't come so it isn't wasted? Are caterers really so tightly managed that they couldn't make one more portion?