AIBU about this wedding guest and WWYD?

[OverUnder]

My partner and I are getting married at the end of July. I'm chasing guests for rsvps especially the day guests. We have a very limited number that can attend and there are still a couple of people I'd love to be able to squeeze in.
We have one guest, a close friend of both our families, who cannot give me a definite yes or no. They have a potential job offer which may take them across the country, which will mean they can't attend. Now, if this were any other guest I'd have no problem if they let me down at the last minute, but this guest has very, very specific and difficult dietary requirements so the food they have on offer is extremely limited. If they can't make it, I can't fill the space and will have to pay for the food that won't get eaten. I feel kind of put out and want to say that maybe I should swap their day invite for just an evening invite both because of the space I could easily give to someone that'll definitely be there and because of the money we'll lose if they just don't turn up, but then I feel like a total bitch because this is a close friend we've known for years. I've tried to explain this to the guest in a gentle unbitchy way but it's like they're not hearing me and I end up feeling all bridezilla.
So WIBU to be more blunt, potentially hurting their feelings or do I just accept it? WWYD?

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

The venue are doing all the catering . We'll be meeting with them week after next to confirm numbers and food etc. I'll get in touch and see what they say about potential of changing the one meal a couple of weeks before hand and see what they say.

I would say that they are being massively unreasonable to expect to know to the nth degree of detail next week for a wedding in mid July ! They are supposed to be professional caterers.
They will definitely want numbers - so that's easy as you hope to pack the place out.
They will definitely want a decision on your food choices for the majority of your guests.
They will definitely want a discussion on suitable foods for folk with difficult dietary issues.

Honestly, I don't think they are going to bat an eyelid if you substitute a "difficult person" for a standard menu with 48 hours notice unless everyone else is having fillet steak.

There's a statistic that the average number of drop outs on actual the day is 10%. Illness, incident, fuckwittery. Keep your good friend in the pool. There will always be extra spaces on the day that don't get used and whom in retrospect you wish you had been able to invite x, y, z. That's life unfortunately. It's not like a flight where you can have people on standby.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

Not fussy. It's all medical. I really feel for them because it came out of nowhere quite recently and has made their life extraordinary difficult. No gluten, no complex sugars, no garlic or onions, no fruit and the list goes on

Thank you for explaining that.

The ideal thing would have been for your friend to say that due to the uncertainty about the job perhaps its easier all round if I back out now. But they haven't said that and I think you're just going to have to assume they are coming and let it be the end of it. Yes, someone else will go without being at the wedding but that person wasnt going to be there in the first place, and as for the money you've paid out on the meal Im sure there will be someone there who says pass that over and we'll give it a go as well.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

No gluten, no complex sugars, no garlic or onions, no fruit and the list goes on

Gosh - poor cow. Can she give you a list of food she can eat so you can share it with the venue? If the venue screw it up and it makes her ill, she may well prefer to BYO or do the evening only ?

[Sprink]

Just confirm that if they don't move, they plan to attend. Then instruct the hotel caterer accordingly.

If it turns out they can't attend the hotel should have no problem replacing their meal with a standard one. It's not as if they'll be needing to fly in special ingredients, by the sound of it.

The tricky part is gracefully getting other guests to "fill their slots" but friends invited to just the evening do already know they didn't make the cut (so to speak) so probably would be happy to come along during the day.

With this whole day/evening stuff that happens most people understand the budgetary restrictions of a modern wedding and wouldn't feel insulted to fill in at the last minute.

[RhodaBull]

Is it the Fodmap diet? If so it's a load of rubbish anyway.

But that aside, it is rude of the guest not to decline or to suggest that she just attends the evening do. You can't dither about over an invitation to a wedding, especially if it's not a large gathering and any holes are very obvious.

[OverUnder]

The venue are in direct contact with them about the food. They are doing a fantastic job of making sure our friend has a lovely meal prepared that won't put them in hospital.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

Is it the Fodmap diet

I thought so also.

[bakeoffcake]

As others have suggested, just tell them you have to have an answer by next week, for the caterers. Then offer to put them down as evening guests.


The guests should be fine with that.

[OverUnder]

I'm not sure what diet it is. Just know that their diet has been very, very restricted. They were so I'll last year, in and out of hospital. Doctors didn't have a clue why. Turned out to be something they hadn't tested and don't test for in the UK. Friend had to send samples to Germany for a diagnosis.

[CalleighDoodle]

Your guest has done all she can. The only options you are giving her is saying yes she will come, and then maybe pulling out in july, or saying now she wont be coming. A good friend would understand this. Who ate what, or didnt, at your wedding wont matter on your first amiversary at all. What will matter is your friendships.

[gingerbreadmanm]

op as others have said try not to stress too much. If this friend can't make it is it only one other person you would really like to invite in her place?

Based on what other people have said, why don't you just invite anyway? It seems likely someone will not show up.

Fwiw i went to a very nice wedding lst year where numbers were tight. For some reason me dp and another couple had been missed off everything. The venue did great at accomodating us and barr being missed off the table plan and no favours no1 would ever have really known.

[HelloHola]

Just adding a message now before I read through replies.

I don't think you're BU at all - I am getting married soon and I have given my RSVP date 5 days before I have a meeting with the venue to confirm numbers. I will be ringing every person who hasn't RSVP'd in this time to confirm whether they are coming. Maybe's will be classed as no's.

I would be understand if someone thought they could definitely come and then a week before the wedding they had an emergency which meant they couldn't come, but when someone has prior warning to the fact they might not be able to make it. I think it would be more polite of them to RSVP no.

I would say maybe give them an evening invite.

[Elleblue78]

OVERUNDER - Please do not think you are being unreasonable!

YOU ARE NOT!

I think your guest is being unreasonable - you have asked for a RSVP by a certain date and she hasn't done that - instead she is saying 'oh I cant tell you till mid July' surely she must understand that weddings are not cheap, and yes despite what others have said money is important and for some people budgeting is essential and £60 is a lot of money just for a starter and main!

I would say sorry you cant confirm, I will let the caterers/venue know that you will poss be an evening only then.

Alternatively, you could ask them if they can wait till 2weeks before? But I think I would be with you on inviting the other guest.

[OverUnder]

Only one other person I'd really love to be there but physically couldn't squeeze in because of the limit on numbers. The space just isn't big enough for another guest, so the venue tell us. If I do invite this other person but everyone else comes on the day, there won't be room for them and I won't have a meal for them. I want to be accommodating and comfortable. The even slight possibility that one person is left out on the day because I've invited over the limit makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable.

[PrimalLass]

The venue need to know by the end of next week. I accept I might be unreasonable.

The venue are being ridiculous. It is weeks away yet.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

Looking at it from the other point of view, that of the good friend, I'd be declining your full invitation so that you can get a confirmed answer for someone else. I'd say delighted to join you in the evening and don't worry, I'll sort out my own food. That way you use up all your places and don't offend stand-ins by issuing such a late invitation.

Try not to stress and accept that sometimes other people's life events clash with big occasions.

[Bearbehind]

I don't think YABU unreasonable about the guests that might not attend- they ABU to expect you to hold their place until a couple of weeks before the date knowing it's probably 50/50 they will attend.

I do think YABU in your motives for doing this though. It is really in bad taste to bump up evening guests just because you've now got space.

Presumably the evening invites went out with the day ones- how would you explain that they weren't good enough for the full day originally but now someone who was 'special' enough for the full thing has dropped out, you are next most special

[firesidechat]

I think my daughter's caterers needed numbers and special requirements about 2 weeks before the wedding. In this case they are being a bit OTT and it might be worth talking to the venue. However it doesn't help much if the op would like to replace this guest with another one if the guest can't come. 2 weeks notice for a replacement isn't much.

[Keely93]

Exactly what coconutty said I think :)

[RhodaBull]

Just so others don't have to scroll back to find coconutty's words of wisdom!

" We'd love you to come but need to give a definite answer to the venue next week. Shall I just put you down for the evening so you're not under pressure to respond?"

[HelloHola]

PrimalLass
The venue are being ridiculous. It is weeks away yet.

This is common practice for all wedding suppliers really. This is mainly because they take payment at this time and so you must confirm numbers by then.

That being said though, I only have to pay my outstanding amount at my venue 2 weeks before the wedding (although I am confirming numbers a couple of weeks before that) so I suppose the venue may even say there's room for maneuver on the guestlist.

It is common to put your RSVP date a month or so before the wedding thought because people are a pain in the arse often difficult to get hold of give you an answer.

[chocolateworshipper]

I completely agree with coconutty

[nmg85]

Give them the date you need to know to let the caterers and if you don't get a response then explain you can only give an evening invite. You can't hang around waiting for people, we wasted about £150 on people who cancelled after RSVPing for stupid reasons... One decided she was going on a yoga retreat instead!

[RaarSaidTheLion]

We had a similar thing with a guest who had a parent who was ill with cancer. This guest also had dietary requirements that meant they were pretty much eating something no-one else was having at some courses. We spoke to the caterer about the fact that the guest might not know until a few days before whether they could come. The caterer agreed to accept a late confirmation for this person (precisely because they were eating something different so could be easily swapped in or out). I think it was 3 days before.

We told the guest this, they were very touched by the special treatment, promised they would respect the final deadline, and in fact let us know with a few weeks to go (a hospital appointment came up round that time).

I agree with PP, the b list will know they are filling seats if you ask them late, so I would discount that as an option.