AIBU about this wedding guest and WWYD?

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My partner and I are getting married at the end of July. I'm chasing guests for rsvps especially the day guests. We have a very limited number that can attend and there are still a couple of people I'd love to be able to squeeze in.
We have one guest, a close friend of both our families, who cannot give me a definite yes or no. They have a potential job offer which may take them across the country, which will mean they can't attend. Now, if this were any other guest I'd have no problem if they let me down at the last minute, but this guest has very, very specific and difficult dietary requirements so the food they have on offer is extremely limited. If they can't make it, I can't fill the space and will have to pay for the food that won't get eaten. I feel kind of put out and want to say that maybe I should swap their day invite for just an evening invite both because of the space I could easily give to someone that'll definitely be there and because of the money we'll lose if they just don't turn up, but then I feel like a total bitch because this is a close friend we've known for years. I've tried to explain this to the guest in a gentle unbitchy way but it's like they're not hearing me and I end up feeling all bridezilla.
So WIBU to be more blunt, potentially hurting their feelings or do I just accept it? WWYD?

Bohemond I think I may have misread understood your post actually and owe you an apology. I think you meant inviting a replacement at short notice would be a bit rude and I sort of agree with that, although it seems to be done a lot these days.

I will speak to the venue/caterer about this today, give guest a final deadline and have someone who would simply love to come , even though they didn't 'make the a-list" so to speak. They've already said they wouldn't mind filling a seat if one comes up and I would love to have them there if I could.

I think the venue are being unreasonable.

Why do they need to know so soon?

It doesn't sound very good to me surely they can get the food much nearer the time.

In this day and age decent restaraunts should be able to accommodate very restrictive diets with less than a weeks notice.

I can tell you a restarant that could cater for extremely restrictive diets with one day's notice.

No you're right fireside. I don't want to put said person in a difficult position at the last minute. I want to give potential guests plenty of time so they're not left thinking they have to cancel potential plans at the last minute to keep me happy.

If it were a close friend, I would gladly hold the place open for them. I guess if it was someone I wasn't so bothered about, I would use coconuttys lovely wording above.

I don't hink yabu, the guest should realise she's putting you in a difficult position, whatever the rights and wrongs of the catering it's normal practice for weddings. She should politely decline the day invite now and allow you to invite some one who knows they can make it

Yanbu, because of the people you could have there if they decided last minute not to come. As a previous poster has said, if I knew I wasn't sure I would decline.

I had a similar issue. I was gutted about the people who
A) didn't respond at all so I assumed they weren't coming
B) said they were coming and then didn't show up
C) RSVPd to my husband instead of the number on the invitation, who then clean forgot to tell me
D) said they were coming, didn't show up and didn't offer an explanation later or heaven forfend an apology or a congratulations.
E) wanted to bring their kids and on two occasions a dog and neither of them are blind. My venue was not kid or dog friendly.

OP steel yourself, it was only until I got married recently that I really realised how fkin rude people are.

OP steel yourself, it was only until I got married recently that I really realised how fkin rude people are

I second this - they say there's bridezillas, but I think ther must be some sort of guestzilla too

Thank you everyone. You've made me feel a bit better about this and that I'm not totally out of order to put this guest on the spot for a yes or no answer. I have something of an action plan now and hopefully all the difficult bits will fall into place.

as people may have read on a thread i posted had someone cancel a week before to go to the football

people should realise youve put a lot of effort and planning and if i were your friend i would decline the invite to not make u feel pressurised

hope it all works out op

Gabsalot - I had people watching football on a portable TV at my wedding reception! Jolly lucky for them I didn't realise on the day or they would have been thrown out.

Yeah just take control OP, reasonable people will understand.
Guestzilla, yeah too right.
I especially loved the wedding guest that invited three people he knew in from the street, to our reception in a pub, without asking of course. One was a kid, and later tripped on the cables for the live music and bashed her head and was loudly screaming. I haven't got kids myself, I don't dislike kids, but i work around screaming kids all day every day. I then had to explain to an Aunty of my husbands why there was a child there when the cousins had not be allowed to invite theirs. It was lush. I'm never getting married again ;)

Are they the only person who needs this special diet?

Explain the situation to venue. You will confirm all but one of the numbers by the usual deadline; you will confirm this one guest in mid July. I know they need to order food etc but the should be able to deal with one special case.

I can't believe your guest has put you in this position, wouldn't most people decline politely if they genuinely didn't know whether or not they could attend especially with such restricted dietary needs.

they will probably spend 50 ior more on your present - so you wont really be losing out... they your good friend just pay up.

It's one person, one meal. I know it's not about the money, but about the friendship. Personally I would leave their space open and if they can't come so be it.

It happens.

I worked in catering for a long time and most places have problem if you need to change a meal or order an extra meal so long as you give them a week or so notice - every place I have worked has done that. You may still get charged for the speciality meal as well as a normal meal for that seat, but what's £60?

No doubt I'm being a bit of an old grumpy cynic, but I have known people with weird non-usual dietary requirements who also make a drama about attending events. IMHO your friend is making your wedding arrangements all about her, because she thinks she is such a special snowflake.

I seriously doubt it when someone has a condition that is not tested in the UK. You sound such a nice, kind and tolerant person and a lovely friend. If it was me I would politely tell her she needs to confirm one way or the other by a specific date, because the uncertainty is causing you unnecessary stress about your special day.

Don't quite understand why people are saying just invite for the evening. OP will still have to provide food that the guest can eat even though it's not a 3 course meal being provided and the venue will need to know that and numbers for the evening.

If the venue can't be sufficiently flexible to work with 2 weeks notice of the special diet and you want to bump someone elsd rather than possibly waste a meal, you will have to say that the venue has to know definitively by the RSVP date.

Silverbirch I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME). It's still treated as a mental illness by some health professionals in this and many other countries. The NHS doesn't have a fucking clue about it and its treatment so I do all my treatments privately. There actually are certain specialist blood tests for example sent to laboratories abroad so I know this isn't bs. I haven't had any done myself but have discussed it with private dr.

We had a close relative (who was supposed to be working) call on the morning of the wedding to say she would see us at the church as she'd unexpectedly been given the day off. We called the caterer, they said they would fit her in. We advised which table to place her at - then called our relative back to say she could come to the wedding too. All sorted in two phone calls.

You are (presumably) spending a lot of money with the venue/caterers, they will accommodate you.

Silver it may not be that the labs in the UK don't test for it but just that it was quicker to send to Germany. They are super efficient on allergies.

I've sent the venue/caterer an email to see when the cut off date is for swapping food for one guest. I'm going to give our friend as much time as the venue allows to give me an answer. If they can't give me a definite yes by the cut off I'll use coconutty's words of wisdom. Friend could still come in the evening. The evening food can still be adapted to their requirements. It's really not just the possibility of wasted foid so much as knowing I fill the spaces I have with the people I love iyswim.

I don't want to put said person in a difficult position at the last minute. I want to give potential guests plenty of time so they're not left thinking they have to cancel potential plans at the last minute to keep me happy.

OP, some friends of mine were in a similar situation with a friend who works offshore and wouldn't know until the week before whether she could come, so they asked me if I would be available to be upgraded to a day guest at short notice. I'm a pragmatic person and took no offence whatsoever at this, but I imagine some people could get the arse about it- maybe you could find a similar arrangement with another potential upgradee?

FWIW I don't think evening guests mind being upgraded to day at short notice - when it happened to me last year my friend (the bride) was totally straightforward about it and I was delighted to be asked: a) it meant she wanted me there b) I got to see the wedding part and c) she obviously classes me as not up my own arse :)

Thank you for the reassuring comments. Venue have said they need to know for food 10 days before at the latest which is something of a relief. Have let our friend know but said I need to know 2 weeks before as they are notorious for taking their time. Feel much calmer now.