AIBU about this wedding guest and WWYD?

[OverUnder]

My partner and I are getting married at the end of July. I'm chasing guests for rsvps especially the day guests. We have a very limited number that can attend and there are still a couple of people I'd love to be able to squeeze in.
We have one guest, a close friend of both our families, who cannot give me a definite yes or no. They have a potential job offer which may take them across the country, which will mean they can't attend. Now, if this were any other guest I'd have no problem if they let me down at the last minute, but this guest has very, very specific and difficult dietary requirements so the food they have on offer is extremely limited. If they can't make it, I can't fill the space and will have to pay for the food that won't get eaten. I feel kind of put out and want to say that maybe I should swap their day invite for just an evening invite both because of the space I could easily give to someone that'll definitely be there and because of the money we'll lose if they just don't turn up, but then I feel like a total bitch because this is a close friend we've known for years. I've tried to explain this to the guest in a gentle unbitchy way but it's like they're not hearing me and I end up feeling all bridezilla.
So WIBU to be more blunt, potentially hurting their feelings or do I just accept it? WWYD?

[Parney]

Can you confirm her as an 'ordinary' meal and if she does commit mid-July, specify her requirements then? If she can't come then you've space for someone who is willing to attend at short notice.

[OverUnder]

Just to clarify, the venue/caterer have allowed us to give our friend until 10 days before to confirm if they can make it or not. The meal will be totally different as there's so much on our menu that they simply can't eat.
The "job offer" hasn't actually materialised yet. They have an art show coming up and are hoping they might get a job offer - so no, no interview or anything. I'm trying not to stress about it, even if I've found the whole thing to be a bit
No, this menu isn't vegetarian friendly - we have no vegetarians coming but, if we did, I would make sure their food was just as enjoyable and varied as what everyone else is eating.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

It's a picnic, it's really not going to matter if someone without these dietary restrictions turns up instead 😁

I know you've pretty much resolved it, but to answer your original question I think badgering her tells your friend that you're really not bothered if she comes or not and that you must want her to say no, because you know she can't say yes.

If it was someone I really wanted there, I'd accept that they were unable to confirm due to something out of their control and forget about it. If she can make it she will, if she can't she won't.

If I were you I'd invite your other friend too, unless there's only going to be 15 of you, you will not get 100% attendance.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

I am really confused that you asked your friend to RSVP by a certain date, and rather than saying "I can't commit to that" they have asked you to hold the place.
For a job they would like, but haven't even had an invitation to interview for.
It's very cheeky and self important!
I would invite someone else in their place.
I'm also sceptical of a medical condition that the nhs won't test for, yet can land you in hospital for eating an onion. If the nhs as a whole doesn't offer this test there is generally a good reason for it, as nhs guidelines are evidence based, e.g. not enough evidence that the test is helpful. The diet sounds like the fodmap diet which is used commonly in ibs, but ibs wouldn't land you in hospital. What condition does your friend have?

[waterrat]

You shouldn't be giving this brain space honestly. You invited them just save them the space and let it go.

[FoggyBottom]

One meal? I think YABU If this person is so close to both families, then you need to keep faith with them. One meal? In the scheme of things, that's nothing.

[OverUnder]

I haven't badgered. I asked once and had a message back saying they didn't know what was happening next month because of this art show. They've never told me the name of this condition. Just that they had to send blood, stool and urine samples to Germany for a diagnosis and when it came back the nhs told them it wasn't something they tested for.
As I've said, it's not the food. This friend can be difficult to pin down and has been known to let people down at the last minute. I don't want an empty space at my very limited ceremony when I have someone else I would have loved to be there but couldn't squeeze in. Venue was very specific that we couldn't go over the guest limit and it's been extremely difficult to pick and choose a few from the many people we'd love to be there.

[Wordsaremything]

I think if my diet was so restricted I'd offer to bring my own food rather than cause all this ruckus.

[IoraRua]

Your friend is messing you about for a job that may or may not materialise. Plus, she has a track record of screwing about and letting people down. I'd cut the crap with this now OP. You have other people you'd like to have if she can't make it and it is unfair for her to keep you hanging about like this.

I'd give her a firm deadline to give you a yes/no by - possibly next week - and if it's still a "I can't be sure", I think she may have to have an evening invitation.

[Floggingmolly]

It's to do with ordering the ingredients for the food. They really won't be ordering them two months in advance .
And you're costing in "drinks, desserts, etc" into the amount you'll lose if your friend doesn't make it to the wedding?
You don't pay in advance for drinks; or pay at all for drinks which haven't been consumed at all, do you??

[Floggingmolly]

Why do people insist on booking venues that don't actually accommodate all their guests? The venue gave you a guest limit you couldn't go over?? Really? .

[rookiemere]

Not sure why the rolly eyes Floggingmolly. All locations have an upper limit for fire and insurance reasons. Most people arranging a wedding have a budget that they don't want to go over and also some other requirements in terms of picking a venue that they like and perhaps is easy for guests to get to etc. etc.
Certainly with us the hotel had an upper limit of I think 80 guests so we had some decisions to make on who to invite.

Anyway OP your food for both during the day and the evening sounds marvellous. I don't see what's wrong with pushing your friend to confirm by the end of next week, however my guess is that she'll say oh yes put me down, but you'll still be none the wiser, so I think nudging her towards the evening guest option "to minimise stress for everyone" would be the best thing to do.

[BeckyWithTheMediocreHair]

Why do people insist on booking venues that don't actually accommodate all their guests? The venue gave you a guest limit you couldn't go over?? Really?

ALL venues have guest limits - usually x seated or x standing. Usually for fire safety reasons. Quite normal.

The usual MN mantra is that people need to stop planning weddings that they can't afford and then asking for money / packed lunches etc, and they they should instead have more modest, small wedding. To be fair to the OP, she has clearly done precisely this.

[Iflyaway]

Rubbish. He should stop yanking your chain and tell you ahead of time if he can come or not.

Interviews are ahead of time. And they give you plenty of warning, As he should whether he can make your wedding or not.

It's YOUR wedding. Stop stressing about invited people who want to make it all about them....!

[chocomochi]

YANBU. Your friend should either decline their place or just offer to go to the evening bit. I think you are in the right to give her a deadline. It's not fair on you or your other friend. If they were such a good friend, they should be able to make it across the country as many people do attend weddings from abroad!

[ridingsixwhitehorses]

I reckon do it as normal food so if they can't come you can replace with someone who can eat that meal, and if they can come get someone (your mum?, bridesmaid? You? ) to provide them with a cold packed dinner that meets the requirement.

[malikasmum]

Sorry but you are not being unreasonable this friend is supposedly close but if it were me I'd never want to be a burden to anyone even less a close friend I would be strong it is only one seat and one meal but it's a meal and seat on YOUR big day have a lovely day OP hope it all gets sorted!!!

[PiecesOfCake]

Another vote for coconutty

You need a deadline to keep your sanity otherwise nothing can get planned.

[andadietcoke]

If they're a close friend surely they'd travel back to your wedding regardless of whether they've moved or not?

I'd order the special meal, and then explain to whoever you 'upgrade' that they'll have a special meal - that wouldn't bother me in the slightest if it was me - I'd know exactly why I'd been upgraded, and food's food.

[nannybeach]

I think £60 a head is a HUGE amount for food. I do not think you are being unreasonable, what is it about Weddings that seem to bring out the worst in people. I would explain as she has complex dietary requirement of course you do need to know if she is able to come, otherwise the evening alternative.