Dh, stag do, not even bothered to call.

[Kimononono]

I may BU.

Dh has gone on a stag do abroad. A proper take the piss one for six days. It's not even a bloody weekend.

I'm not bothered as its one in the bank for me when I've had this baby (5 months pregnant). He went this morning, had a text saying ' love you' as he got to the airport and nothing since!

Not even 'oh the hotel is nice' or ' just going out I'll call in morning' or called to wish dd2 good night. Or even me!

Is he being an ignorant arse or am I being moody cow?

Somer

"I do think it is a form of control because the op's not looking for reassurance that dh is ok, she wants texts about banal shit like what the hotel room was like. Really? As if she gives a flying fuck what the hotel room is like."

The thing is, IrishDad79, surely some people would like to stay in touch with their partners, share their experiences a bit, live vicariously perhaps, but most of all know they're safe - without distrusting or controlling them.

I honestly don't think a daily stay-in-touch text is controlling and I'm genuinely worried that I feel that way if you do ... because my sense of balance is off and it's something I'm trying to work on at the moment.

I grew up with an actual controlling parent - my mum who always knew where I was 24/7 until I moved out in my mid-20s. Even now it bothers her. As well as the usual "knowing where your kids are" kind of thing, she used to call my friends and 'check on me', she turned up randomly in places I was visiting, she read my diaries, she installed key-logger software on all the home PCs, listened in on phone calls etc, and to this day she tracks my dad with an app on his phone, will call and text him if I'm out with him several times to stay in the centre of his thoughts and "control" things. A lot of that took place in the Good Old Days before mobiles too.

I honestly thought I'd escaped relatively "normal" but the truth is I do like to know(ish) where DH is and if he didn't show up one day when I expected him to, or went away and was dead silent for days on end, I think I'd worry.

So serious question to you all: when does it become controlling? I'd fucking hate to turn out that way. It's something I'll talk to DH about later of course but is it really that weird to expect someone to stay in touch??

I have to say YABU. DP and I rarely send each other texts even when we are in other countries. I wouldn't send him one every time I am away to say 'got here safely' and he wouldn't either. I might get peeved maybe after 2 or 3 days with no text or call, but wouldn't expect one every day unless it was a very specific situation.

ah I knew the 'your being controlling' squad would turn up.

I don't expect him to 'check' in and I'm not keeping tabs. It's what I would have gone if the roles were reversed and why wouldn't he want to see my lovely face and hear my dulcet tones when he works abroad he Skypes us every night but I suppose last night there were 'on it'

I'm a chatter box so would have give him chapter and verse but I wouldn't have expected this if him really but a ' hi, I'm good you and dd ok?' Would have been nice.

Any way has 'checked in' around half seven this morning. It's very expensive where they are - 12 euro for a single southern comfort and lemonade and is not keen on the crowd as some have took drugs and he is very anti drug.

I rec he will fly home earlier anyway.

I suppose it counts on what you specifically find acceptable. If your used to not having contact for a few days then that's fine - but if you would get a bit tetchy if they didn't contact you after that then maybe someone that was used too and expect no contact might find that controlling??

Also - when I went away for two nights with my friends I actually had picture messages off Dh, with him and dd cuddled up. So for our family is not unusual to keep in touch - apart when you go on a stag to Ibiza apparently!

I would expect a text to say he has arrived.

I don't care if others think that is controlling. I wouldn't 'expect'' him to check in all the time but I would expect a text on arrival and at least once throughout the day. I would miss him, I hope he would miss me and actually want to talk to me at least once.

That's just how our marriage works. YANBU for being a bit upset even if others would be fine with it.

So if my timelines are correct, he's been gone maybe 36 hours and he's already checked in with you twice, yet you've started a thread in AIBU slagging him because he's "not even bothered to call".

I do think it is a form of control because the op's not looking for reassurance that dh is ok, she wants texts about banal shit like what the hotel room was like. Really? As if she gives a flying fuck what the hotel room is like

Wow irishdad. Why so nasty? And yeah I would like to know what the hotel is like. Why do you think you know what I'm thinking? Maybe that's a man thing hey? Thst you think you know what I'm thinking.

The last time Dh went to India he gave me a walking tour around his hotel on Skype - because that's us. I also cooked food while on Skype so he could tell me I was going it wrong - because that's us.

Do I expect that every time he leaves the country no, especially when he is in the lash with his mates but a text would have been cool.

It's no biggy though. We've spoke. We're all alive. The world is good.

My DH only contacts me every 2 or 3 days when he is away. Sometimes he goes longer. I'm fine with that I'd only be bothered if he'd absolutely promised me to call when he arrived. I think you are being a bit over sensitive to be honest, but everyone's relationship works differently.

Glad you heard from his this morning, Kimononono (no idea if I got the right number of o's and n's there?!)

Merd my lovey, I think the intention behind wanting someone to check-in with a text once a day is what would make it controlling or not. And if the intention is bad (such as wanting one's partner to stop having fun and come home) then it would quickly ramp up to seeking much, much more frequent contact, as you experienced with your mother.

Every couple of course has their own normal when it comes to frequency of contact, depending on their own dynamic. But yours sounds quite standard to me. DH and I never went a day without talking, though if one of us was abroad that might have been a text or email conversation.

Boyfriend and I (I feel a bit attention seeking typing that now ) are long distance so we talk on the phone several times a day. He goes out a lot more than me, and so far there hasn't been an evening where he's out and hasn't at least texted letting me know what he's up to. He does't need to, but he's being sensitive to the fact that evenings, once the kids are in bed, are quite a lonely time for me, so it's a way of showing he cares.

Kimonono
"Do I expect that every time he leaves the country no, especially when he is in the lash with his mates but a text would have been cool."

But he did. At the airport and this morning. So, why the thread?

It would suffocating for me being in a relationship where I had to 'check in' whilst away - yuk, thank god my lovely husband is so laid back :) each to their own though :)

irish I started the thread last night if you'd hadn't noticed? I don't want this to turn in to an aggy thread. It was a bit tongue in cheek. No drama here.

Is it likely to cost him a fortune?

If he can afford to go on a six day stag do, sending a text from abroad shouldn't be beyond his financial means!

But anyway.... yes, he probably should have texted, but not a big deal imo.

^little* I would find radio silence if I or Dh went away and wasn't intrested in even seeing if either one of us or DC was ok really bizzare and cold.

I would have wanted to say I'd got there safely, the hotel was nice/shit and ask after dd at least.

I thought you were ging to say its been six days, but its only been a few hours!

He is away, having fun, give him a break.

Your being unreasonable. I never understand why couples feel the need to check in constantly when they go away or even on a night out. It's bad manners when they are out with friends. My DH BM constantly texted and rung his gf at the time and the rest of the lads had to tell him to behave and get off his phone and join in the fun.

My MOH DH hounds her whenever she goes out. Completely insecure even stopped her coming to my hen. I never pick up my phone once when I go out and I've been away several times.

I never pick up my phone once when I go out and I've been away several times

Well wouldn't you feel shit if one of your children was seriously ill or had an accident. Or then again maybe not.

I wouldn't expect my DP to call.

He goes away every year for a 2 week holiday with his mates. I get the odd text but a phone call's a bit much when he's away.

Somerville - you're totally right of course, intention is everything. I worry so much about turning into her that I panic sometimes. Come to think of it, not staying in touch could be the controlling thing to do if that's what the other person needed from you for some specific reason and you were being spiteful. It's all about the general relationship and dynamics.

Still going to talk to DH as this has worried me a bit but there probably is no automatic right/wrong level of contact. Sorry for the derail OP.

Stardust - I totally agree that being with someone who's endlessly on their phone to someone else is a nightmare, and I genuinely hate people who are controlling like that - but I don't think it should be considered automatically anti-social to be in touch through subtly on a holiday or at a dinner something (ie a few moments alone in the hotel room / loo / at a preset time to say goodnight to the kids - or replying to a "oh shit! Emergency!" sort of text).

heron not even wanting to speak to his wife or kids in two weeks? Wow your Dh really does want to 'get away from it all' doesn't he!

Thankfully my Dh is not a cold fish 🐡

If one of the children were sick then obviously a phone call straight away is imperative so they can come home if needed, but wanting to know about what they are doing and what the hotel room is like is a bit mad from my point of view, I think you would be too high maintenance for me, but if things work for you and your hubby then that's all that matters, everyone's relationship is different.

OP I'm glad your DH has finally got in touch but your replies to other posters here have quite a spiteful edge. Just something to be aware of.

OP my DH would only ever ring me if it was an emergency that's the point! I agree withlittlepippip My DH wouldn't need to contact me otherwise. He also went away when I was pregnant when I had my other two DCs I didn't disturb his night out.

I think OP, you are being rude there to heron All relationships are different. They obviously value, time apart & allowing their relationship to breathe, just as much as you need yours to be continually validated. I think it's a case of each to their own. I myself wasn't in turn being rude to you, just trying to point out that all relationships are different

I wouldn't even think to check my phone only for the time. I leave it on loud for emergencies but I don't check it constantly. I think we are becoming a society that's extremely rude on regards to technology. People are constantly attached to their phones even on nights out, holidays etc instead of putting it away and enjoying themselves.

Is there a sense of humour failure on here this afternoon? The OP made a heron/fish gag.

Stardust - I kind of agree with you, but many of us on here have to keep their phones on, during an evening out, because their kids or babysitter might call. I love it on the rare occasions that I can turn mine off without worrying.