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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh, stag do, not even bothered to call.

144 replies

Kimononono · 02/06/2016 00:30

I may BU.

Dh has gone on a stag do abroad. A proper take the piss one for six days. It's not even a bloody weekend.

I'm not bothered as its one in the bank for me when I've had this baby (5 months pregnant). He went this morning, had a text saying ' love you' as he got to the airport and nothing since!

Not even 'oh the hotel is nice' or ' just going out I'll call in morning' or called to wish dd2 good night. Or even me!

Is he being an ignorant arse or am I being moody cow?

OP posts:
YoungBritishPissArtist · 02/06/2016 09:56

Did you clarify with your DH before he left that you wanted him to text you on arrival? Just because you'd do it doesn't mean that it occurs to him.

He can't be expected to mind read Wink

MargaretCavendish · 02/06/2016 09:59

"It's fashionable for wives/girlfriends' be 'kule' with stag holidays, after all your guy is the one whose going to behave himself and keep the rest of the group in line, right?

Wrong. I see stag (and hen to a lesser extent) groups often on my travels and know exactly why your H has not called you. I think you do to, and you'd get a better view if you just moved that elephant aside. "

I'm sorry that you find it so difficult to trust others, but I don't think it's kind to project your insecurities onto the OP.

brodchengretchen · 02/06/2016 10:05

Just saying what I see, MC.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/06/2016 10:07

Sorry OP, he did text you earlier, and thought that was probably fine. I would think it was fine to be honest, and just assumed he was getting on with his evening.

My DH went on a five day stag once but it was a skiing trip rather than just a piss up. I think he texted/rang about four times during the trip, and that seemed about right to me.

If you want him to stay in touch more frequently, just tell him.

Notso · 02/06/2016 10:09

Urgh, knew there would be a cool wife comment somewhere.

araiba · 02/06/2016 10:12

today i learnt that everyone ever that has been on a stag or hen do cheated whilst away

thanks brodchengretchen

GirlOutNumbered · 02/06/2016 10:13

Wrong. I see stag (and hen to a lesser extent) groups often on my travels and know exactly why your H has not called you. I think you do to, and you'd get a better view if you just moved that elephant aside.

This is an awful thing to say. I have also seen and been on plenty of hen dos that are nothing like that and have hosted stags where it's not like that either.

Projecting your feelings on OP is an awful thing to do.

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 10:17

sorry, I'm confused
he's been gone for a day?

Notso · 02/06/2016 10:17

brodchengretchen must be incredibly well travelled to see every single stag and hen party ever.
Don't stress OP brodchengretchen can give your DH a reminder to give you a call.

IrishDad79 · 02/06/2016 10:22

brodchengretchen is absolutely right, he's probably just too tired from shagging prostitutes. Confused

I do think it is a form of control because the op's not looking for reassurance that dh is ok, she wants texts about banal shit like what the hotel room was like. Really? As if she gives a flying fuck what the hotel room is like.

WorraLiberty · 02/06/2016 10:30

Blimey brodchengretchen, it must be exhausting carrying around all that bitterness and projection.

Meanwhile in the real world, perhaps he did text when he landed and the OP may find she gets a couple of texts that arrive all at once, just like the texts my friend sent me from Barcelona the other day.

She'd actually sent them the night before.

LittleLionMansMummy · 02/06/2016 10:35

I kind of like dh's banal shit texts and if he'd gone away I'd be interested to know what it's like where he's staying. Even if we're not together it's good to know he's having a good time/ enjoying his trip or whatever. I think before we call op a control freak we'd need to know if their communication is usually frequent and therefore expectations may be set high.

brodchengretchen · 02/06/2016 10:36

It is the not calling that is the issue. Hopefully they will all arrive together.

Yes, I travel to European cities on business and at certain times of the year I don't bother going out on a busy nights. I don't have enough replacement shoes.

MackerelOfFact · 02/06/2016 10:40

I wouldn't expect a text let alone a call, unless we'd had a conversation along the lines of 'let me know when you're there.' He's been travelling, his phone battery might be flat, it'll cost god knows how much to send a text or make a call and it's been less than 24 hours since he left anyway.

If you're insecure about him going away you probably should have had that conversation beforehand. A six-day stag IS excessive IMO, but he's there now, it's a bit late to start getting arsey about it.

sarahsnail · 02/06/2016 11:00

Wow really, all men who go on a stag are cheating drunks????

OP, YANBU - I would have been expecting a phone call or text off my DH when he arrived at the hotel.
Although I would not have been bothered if he didn't, I just assume that he would want to speak to me ( he usually calls me whilst at work "just because").

My DH had a 4 day stag abroad which consisted of drinking in the airport, drinking more on arrival and passing out in bed before 10pm (fully grown men wanting to be 18 again)

I would give him a little more time to contact you (maybe when the hangover sets in and he's feeling sorry for himself).

Razorlightnight · 02/06/2016 11:10

I don't think there's a right or wrong here. Just expectations based on what is normal in your relationship. It's not cool to not expect a text and it's not needy to expect one. I'd completely ignore the shagging around implication though - now that is ureasonable!

Hope you hear soon!

Fuzzywuzzywasabear · 02/06/2016 11:10

I like him to text to say he's arrived safe but other than that I don't expect anything but then he's only been away for 2 days over the weekend, I'd expect some form of contact over the course of a week.

A 6 day stag do is taking the piss!

Sprink · 02/06/2016 11:16

I wouldn't out of pride want to contact him

Wtf? This isn't some break-up scenario where the girl has to stay strong and show the guy she's just fine without him, thanks, by ignoring him and pretending not to care.

Nor is OP throwing a tantrum because he's not dancing to her tune, ffs.

People are reading all sorts into it because it's a stag do, and because OP is pregnant, but that's just confusing things. Take those two factors out of the equation and you're left with a couple being separated for six days who have the technological means to stay in touch, even briefly.

Why wouldn't you? The relationship doesn't cease to exist because of distance.

gingerboy1912 · 02/06/2016 11:18

Six day stage doShock bloody hell I must be getting old that's a fecking holiday in my book, but no op yanbu I would expect at least one update and quick chat everyday from my other half, it's just good manners really if nothing else.

katand2kits · 02/06/2016 11:28

I would expect daily contact. I would be very surprised if the hotel, or one of the many bars that they will surely be visiting, did not have free wifi. So, I would expect the free wifi to be used to send a message, even if a phone call was not practical due to time difference etc. For a six day trip, I would certainly be expecting at least two phone calls, even if just to check that the kids are ok and to say hi to them.
But then I'm pretty sure that my husband would not be up for this sort of a trip anyway.

ofshoes · 02/06/2016 11:41

Who could be fucked going on a six day stag do? Surely after being out round the bars on the first night you've pretty much exhausted all of the possibilities. I really couldn't think of anything worse than six days of enforced debauchery

waxweasel · 02/06/2016 11:43

Omg YANBU. 6 days?! SIX DAYS?! While you're home alone with a 2 year old? I am done in by the end of a normal day with mine. If my DH even hinted that he might be considering fucking off on holiday for nearly a week and leaving me on my tod, pregnant or not, I'd hand him his bollocks on a plate.

i hope you get some serious payback when he's back😊

BackforGood · 02/06/2016 11:49

I guess days of mutual silence is the sign of the 'modern' relationship or something

Quite the opposite I'd have thought. Us older folk never had the wherewithal to be constantly checking in with people. I seem to remember a month of inter-railing with no contact but the odd random postcard. I would say this constant need to be in touch is very much of the modern age.

As I said originally - nothing wright or wrong about it, but you need to communicate your expectations, and not expect your other half to 'know' what you want.

glassgarden · 02/06/2016 11:56

Will the op be going on a six day rave up holiday with her single female mates while her husband looks after a baby and a toddler?

I wonder how cool he will feel about that?

Sprink · 02/06/2016 12:10

I would say this constant need to be in touch is very much of the modern age

I'm don't disagree with this, but that's not really the situation we have here. It's not a constant need, it's a quick hello. If the technology had been available back in the day (or remotely affordable), I'm sure people would have taken advantage of it.

Perhaps my view is skewed because a) my father was military and stationed away for months at a time and unable to communicate regularly with his family, and b) my husband travels a lot for work but can and does communicate regularly with us.

I know which one I prefer.

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