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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think sort out your own childcare!

211 replies

FrankWelker · 01/06/2016 06:37

Half- term and I am using annual leave to look after DC. So far this week I have had 5 phone calls from 2 different parents who ( unfortunately) know I'm off to see if I can have their kids from 7.30-6.40 pm. I'm perfectly happy to help out in an emergency but both parents have said they forgot it was half term. The same ones who forgot the Easter holidays were for 3 weeks. As I said I will always try and help if someone is in a tight spot but am I being unreasonable with this? I don't particularly want to wake up for 7.30 am on my time off and when I do would rather do play dates with kids who my children want to see- and these kids aren't even my kids ages that
they can play easily. We get the school term dates well in advance! Does anyone else get this (and get hacked off like me!)

OP posts:
Baconyum · 02/06/2016 01:24

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

AvaCrowder · 02/06/2016 01:30

Perspica I'd be worried. You should go into a random nursery or school and demand to care for the children for free.

PerspicaciaTick · 02/06/2016 01:43

Great tip Ava!

Iknownuffink · 02/06/2016 01:46

This thread reminds me of my sil who moved back to this country.

She was out socialising as was my pig of an x, her brother. I was going without food to feed all the kids.

Finally lost the plot and phoned her at 5am. Ripped her a new arsehole and forced her to take responsibility for her ...

AppleAndBlackberry · 02/06/2016 07:25

I think I'd do this for a sibling or one of DH's, like NeonPegasus. I've already offered to look after little nieces even though I work p-t because we love them and our kids do too. Other than that it would have to be a real emergency! I always book holiday clubs myself rather than try to do a childcare swap with friends because I find it stressful to look after other people's children on my day off.

DailyMailYobos · 02/06/2016 07:42

Yanbu. We get a laminated print out of the days off and holidays at the start of the school year. Our list is stuck to the fridge for reference. There's no excuse not to have childcare organised if needed.

Everytimeref · 02/06/2016 08:07

My husbands ex tries this every holiday. You can hear the "but every is a teacher so doesnt work in the holidays" in every request. When my husband says no. The emotional blackmail text start. Usually stating how he should be ashamed that he "doesnt do his share" etc. What she seems to have forgotten is that he would have happily had the children 50/50 but she refused insisting he has then every other weekend and pays child maintenance accordingly. He covers a third of holidays in line with this arrangement. As he points out to her following the abusive texts. She was the one who insisted on this contact arrangement.

Everytimeref · 02/06/2016 08:12

He also covers the majority of inset days as they tend to full on his contact days and will cover sickness as he can work from home. What he wont do is expect me to provide free childcare because his ex doesnt want to pay.

Stillwishihadabs · 02/06/2016 08:15

It's shit isn't it ? I WOH ft but am very organised ( if I say so myself) there is a never ending and never reciprocated stream of childcare requests. Ds is 12 now and I reckon I've had 11 years of it. I think I must have MUG tattooed on my forehead ( thankfully at work this week).

SemiNormal · 02/06/2016 09:57

I know lots of people like this! Thankfully I don't get asked much but one of my friends is always targetted, probably because she never says no and is amazing with the kids.

I recall last year just before breaking up for Christmas one mum (who I barely knew) said "Oh what are you doing in the Christmas break" to which I replied "Nothing much, just chilling out really and prepping for Christmas" she then comes back with "Brilliant, would you be able to have my two boys on Christmas Eve and Boxing day for me then as I have to work ...." - couldn't bloody believe it! I just said "No, sorry, it's hard enough to get Christmas sorted with just one child!!". Shock

Cuppaand2biscuits · 02/06/2016 10:10

I have a friend who is a single mum. I used to quite happily have her 2 lovely children at least one day a week every holiday but then she became very distant. She wouldn't reply to texts or Facebook messages, I would go months without hearing from her and then a week before the holidays I'd get a text asking to catch up then a request for childcare.
The last 2 holidays she's put on last minute Facebook statuses asking if anyone knows of holiday clubs. I'm sure she's hoping someone will just offer to have her kids.

FetchezLaVache · 02/06/2016 10:52

Semi- my DSIL got caught out with the whole "Are you free on Friday morning?", responding in the affirmative because she thought there might be coffee in it, then getting stuck with the friend's kids for the morning! So I am now very, very careful how I answer texts from slight acquaintances that read "Hi Fetch, hope you and DS had a great Xmas! Just wondering- have you got any plans for NYE?" (yes, I'm looking at you, Slight Acquaintance Whose Child I Once Looked After In An Emergency).

gandalf456 · 02/06/2016 11:12

I'd retort that normally people asking if you're free are going to invite you somewhere or offer to have your kids

SemiNormal · 02/06/2016 11:35

FetchezLaVache It's really sneaky that way of asking isn't it!? Someone else I know mentioned asking someone to watch her kids for a few hours and said 'Oh I'll ask her at such and such a time as it'll be harder for her to say no then!' Shock I was genuinely shocked!
That said, I'm a single mum and I have only ever asked my dad ONCE to watch my 5yr old and I've only asked my mum a handful of times and only ever for important things like Uni interviews. I just view it as my child, my responsibility. I utilise things like breakfast club/Afterschool club/Holiday club so I can go to college.

kamarastar · 02/06/2016 11:52

I was lucky to have a group of us parents, organise and rotate, activities, lifts, childcare... really good for the children as well... saved us all money we didn't have spare. if someone was able to do more than their share, it was always reciprocated in other ways. I think its okay to ask for childcare as long as its give and take with consideration. Is a piss take if its just expected and not offered in return.

Unicow · 02/06/2016 13:18

No shit it's holidays, it has been for 3 days. Plenty of time to get your act together. These kind of people always whinge as well if asked to return the favour. I would have told her where to go as well. The only difference is I wouldn't have answered my phone at 6.15 I would have turned it off!

Unicow · 02/06/2016 13:20

I think a rota system can work where friends mind each others kids so they only need half the time off but it should be a mutually beneficial thing.

Claraoswald36 · 02/06/2016 13:28

Yanbu. I have a friends dc on Tuesday's in the holidays and I o didn't they sleep over the night before so we don't all have to get up at silly o clock. But we are very close family friends and she took me out for a posh meal to say thank you the other day. And our dc are really good mates but I might laugh in the face of a patent I knew less well. Plus we plan these days in advance!

AgentPineapple · 02/06/2016 15:15

YANBU I've had a similar situation although not due to school holidays. She asked me to take care of her two kids by picking them up from school and keeping them to 6-7pm every night until her DH got home from work, I have a five year old DS and 10 month old twins so I am very busy and pretty stressed most of the time so this just wasn't possible. I felt pressured, and guilty but in the end up I said no because it was too much. As harsh as it sounds people need to take responsibility and sort out their own stuff. As you say emergencies are very different but people can't rely on you for permanent arrangements. No one 'forgets' school holidays either!

WindPowerRanger · 02/06/2016 15:22

We had this this week. Text at about 10am to ask if a friend of the DC could spend 'an hour or so' with us as the family had no childcare organised for the day, with a bit of emotional blackmail thrown in.

We said no. What annoyed me was that we all knew it would not be an hour or so, more like 5 hours. Plus, the more you do it, the more people ask.

Specky4eyes · 02/06/2016 16:53

What I don't understand with these people is that they worked when the kids were pre-school age - so what did they do then for childcare?

If it was a nursery or other paid care then they should be able to afford holiday clubs.

I have two friends who help me before school for one hour once a week. The breakfast club doesn't open till 8am and I need to be at work for then. I buy them exceedingly nice birthday and Christmas gifts. I also give them the option of pulling out twice a year by asking them if they are happy to continue.

contrary13 · 02/06/2016 16:57

I had another mother - who lives over the road from me - attempt to guilt-trip me into having her DD from 6am every weekday morning until school leaving-for time, because she'd suddenly found herself without the older child to watch the younger one. She was very angry when I said "no". But we don't wake up until 7 on a weekday, none of us are morning people, and yes; I work from home... but that means, very often, the only one-on-one time I get with my DC is first thing in a morning. The rest of the day is consumed by report writing, their social lives, their activities...

It actually made me stop feeling sorry for her that her 16 year old had moved out, because suddenly I understood the burden she'd undoubtedly been placing him under. And now? I applaud him for having the guts to stand up to her!

But as I said to her: "if I'm not good enough to be invited to your weeknight drinkathons (which, incidentally, keep our entire road awake until they're done)? I'm definitely not good enough to look after your DD for 13 hours a week... for free!"

It's a shame, because up until very recently, the DD was lovely.

ScoutandAtticus · 02/06/2016 17:47

I have had loads of this in my 10 years as a SAHM. I am now wise to it and say no to all but exceptional emergencies and I always ask for another child care day to be reciprocated.

Trojanhorsebox · 02/06/2016 18:35

I've just been listening to a Woman's' Hour podcast feature about "predatory playdates" - very similar stories!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/06/2016 19:07

Yes it's easy money being a journalist these days: simply rip off mumsnet.