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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD aged 4 sharing parents' bedroom

335 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 31/05/2016 15:53

We live in a tiny 2 up 2 down house which we rent from a private landlord. Our son has his own room and myself, DH & DD share the other bedroom. DD is always asking for her own room and I feel really sorry for her as I know she would keep it really nice and tidy.

Unfortunately, we cannot afford to move. We are stretched to the limit financially and I already commute 90 mins both ways (3 hours per day) for work so moving further out of the city is just not an option. We have pets as well so can't move into a flat.

So we're stuck. But I feel really sad for DD. Is it so bad for her to share our room? Is anybody else in this situation and if so, how do you handle it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
fusionconfusion · 31/05/2016 17:39

"Personally, and I o mean if this was me. If inwere having to travel 90 minutes to work, could only afford a cramped 2 bed house etc. I'd be looking at changing jobs and moving away from London. "

^

This.

This is actually what we did. We had a (surprise) third baby in our 2 up 2 down and the rooms were equally tiny, actually only 2 up 2 down. So though it was really, really tough to do this, we moved to the country. I haven't been able to get much regular work but despite the fact we are mainly on one income, we now can afford a large 4 bedroom house. There have been sacrifices and a need to revise certain plans - I am retraining in a related area to boost our income etc - but honestly, it has been worth all the upheaval and the hard times of having to re-establish ourselves in a new area etc just to have more living space and security.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 31/05/2016 17:39

yeah, FF just move to a town with a boyant job market and cheap housing.. because the two aren't at all usually mutually exclusive Hmm

where is this town with lots of job prospects and cheap houses??

tireddotcom72 · 31/05/2016 17:40

3 bed semi with huge garden in Luton 30 min train journey to kings cross is £800 a month. Way cheaper than what I used to pay in Hertfordshire and good road and rail links.

Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 17:40

Well that's why I asked the OP what the situation with the job was happy.

It's hard to imagine what sort of job would take 2 years to get, necessitate a 90 minute commute and yet be so poorly paid.

My instinct is that's it's either a generic job that can be done anywhere (receptionist, call centre, waitress etc) or that OP would be better off staying local and working in a shop or similar. It's hard to understand why you'd pay out for / entertain a commute like that for a poorly paid job.

Anywhere with expensive housing usually also has a decent job market

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 31/05/2016 17:41

oh and lets not forget that this magic town must have an abundance of landlords who

Sallyingforth · 31/05/2016 17:42

If the pets are the only reason for not moving to a flat, you don't need to dispose of them. They are likely to have passed away naturally before DD reaches puberty. And getting the children separate rooms with help to ease their sadness at the loss.

mummymeister · 31/05/2016 17:43

SuburbanRhonda what you are talking about is your own councils definition of overcrowding. what I am talking about is Statutory overcrowding. Here from Shelters website:

*How to calculate statutory overcrowding: number of rooms

Your home should have a separate room to sleep in for each:
couple
single adult aged 21 or older
two young people of the opposite sex aged 10 or over

The room standard says your home is legally overcrowded if it doesn't have this.

Children under 10 years old are not counted.

Your bedrooms and any living rooms are counted as rooms you can sleep in. It doesn't matter which rooms you actually sleep in.

Under the room standard, a couple with a boy and a girl aged under the age of 10 in a one bedroom flat are not overcrowded*

It isn't about what my council does or doesn't think. I am talking about what is actually THE LAW. its wrong, I know its wrong but all these people telling the OP she is overcrowded are wrong. because BY LAW she isn't.

Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 17:44

Tired the commute from Luton would cost about £400-500 a month although there are good local employment prospects. In fact Luton us a good example of a place with good local employment and cheap housing- like much of Bedfordshire

Artandco · 31/05/2016 17:44

We are Dh, myself and two children in a one bed. Eldest is 6 years.
Everyone is happy enough. We use outside space in parks etc for them to spread out more. We can only afford a one bed in area we are in (probably most expensive in country).I wouldn't dream of getting council to house us. It's our choice to live where we do, based on many factors.
Kids sleep in bunk beds now in our room. Although waste of space tbh as still prefer our bed...

Dontplaywithknives · 31/05/2016 17:44

We're in a 2 bed flat with an 8yo DS and 3yo DD. DS is disabled and unable to share a bedroom so the children have a bedroom each and we've been in the living room on a sofa bed for the best part of 2 years. This is the one we have. Not the prettiest of sofas but is comfortable and strong enough for every day use. We don't use it as our main sofa though. In the time we've been sleeping in the lounge I can think of maybe 3 times I've missed having a bedroom. Each time I was ill and wanted to escape the kids Grin Other than that it's been fine. It's also a shorter distance to drag myself to bed after dozing on the sofa watching TV!

Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 17:45

Oh well screenshot better that OPs daughter bunk in with her parents until she's 13 then eh? In a cot bed. They will just have to kick out DS if he hasn't left by then

mummymeister · 31/05/2016 17:46

suburbanRhonda here is the link to the Shelter website, which I forgot to add last time - sorry.

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/repairs_and_bad_conditions/common_problems/overcrowding

I am glad that you work for a council that takes a better stance on overcrowding than the law says it should. I am also a bit surprised that you haven't heard the term "statutory overcrowding as defined by the Housing Act " before if it is an area that you work in. but no matter, you can see the link for yourself.

Artandco · 31/05/2016 17:47

Oh and we can't use a sofa bed really as the living/ diner/ kitchen is open planned so would mean nobody could use any of the area once one of us asleep. By all sharing one bedroom it means one adult can get up with one child without disturbing everyone if needed, or I often get up early and leave so can use kitchen/ living room without waking whole house up

SaucyJack · 31/05/2016 17:47

I'm sure there are a great many places where the OP would be classes as overcrowded, and would be eligible to apply for a council property with more bedrooms.

Unfortunately, there are not many places left in which councils have anything like the amount of housing available to meet the amount of households in need.

If she's in an expensive area- which she sounds as tho she is- then she could realistically expect to wait several years or more for a flat (she won't get a house).

It's been quite some years now since having opposite sex children over the age of has magicked one a house.

That's even if the OP wants to go down that route anyway- which she hasn't said she has.

misscarlar · 31/05/2016 17:48

Have a look on the ikea website at there small space ideas one I liked is a double raised bed - as in high enough to put the sofa under to have in the living room

SaucyJack · 31/05/2016 17:48

*over the age of 10

Must start proof reading.

DotForShort · 31/05/2016 17:49

My husband shared a bedroom with his grandmother until he was 19 years old. His parents slept in the living room. He did not grow up in the UK, and in his country such arrangements were absolutely standard. No one thought twice about sharing close quarters. My husband's family considered themselves lucky to have a separate apartment of their own, rather than having to live in a communal apartment as many people did.

Of course, cultural norms vary. Your situation isn't ideal for you or your DD, given expectations in the UK, and I do have a great deal of sympathy for you all. It would be lovely for her to have her own room (and for you to have more space as well, I imagine). But I don't believe it is harmful for her at all to be in your bedroom.

Some of the practical suggestions on this thread might be worth a think too.

mummymeister · 31/05/2016 17:50

saucyjack......and whatever she is offered eventually, a house or a flat, the local council might have a pet ban in place!!! Lots of them do.

Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 17:51

Op has no chance of a council flat but I reckon she could have some luck with a housing association- affordable rent or shared ownership.

Artandco · 31/05/2016 17:51

Oh their bunk bed has 6 drawers underneath. Perfect storage space. We keep toys, out of season stuff and school stuff in them.

ConcernedParent88 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Do you have a back garden? And some DIY skills? A temporary extension* could be a fun option for some of you until you can think of a better solution.

*shed

(I know this is probably out of the question for most but I'd have effin loved this when I was 11!)

Unpropergrammer · 31/05/2016 17:56

Unfortunately somethings got to give in afraid. You have my sympathies op but your current living situation isn't sustainable in the long term and you need to start thinking where you will make sacrifices. As your dd starts hitting the ten/eleven year old mark it just isn't appropriate for her to be sharing a room with you or her older brother.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 31/05/2016 17:57

Loving the shed idea Grin. For me and DH, though.

OP posts:
1horatio · 31/05/2016 17:58

How old are your pets? What is their average life expectancy...? I am not trying to be mean, but pets (obviously) don't live forever.

Anyhow, are you prepared to pay for the vet etc if they get ill? Or will you "just" euthanise them? Finding them a nice home with people who can afford them might be better for anyone involved.

However, I will admit that taking away a pet can devastate a kid. I didn't have the easiest childhood and as dramatic as this sounds, I'm not sure I would have made it without my cat (I was bullied/there were financial issues/family problems etc). If this is the case for one of your children I'd understand if you didn't want to give them away. Or if one of the animals is guide dog or something...

What else could you do? Well, if you have space for a double bed there would most likely be space to have a partition or something, right?

If this doesn't work, what about you having a foldaway bed in the sitting room? Do you need a sitting room (how large is your kitchen?)
As for longterm goals, what about trying to find a job (and a house) in a less expensive city...?

ChipsandGuac · 31/05/2016 17:59

It never ceases to amaze me how judgmental people can be. OP, presuming you're happy with your job and commute, there really are far worse things for a 4 yo than having to bunk in with her parents.

However, if you could fit a double in the smallest room (even if it's just the bed), the idea of having a bunk bed with each bed blocked off from half the bigger room is absolute genius.