To wonder how people afford things?

[FluffleFloffle]

I've recently qualified into a profession that has a reputation for being well-paid, however, this is simply not the case and especially not true of those newly qualified.
While I was studying, I worked part-time as a careworker for minimum wage where I met my friend also working as a part-time careworker. She is still there, working the same hours.
Recently, she invited me to her hen do in Barbados! I couldn't afford it so went along to a separate do for her held in London, which still cost quite a bit. There were a few comments made like 'so and so managed to get money together for Barbados and she has 3 kids, such a person afforded it and she's in debt so it's strange that certain other ppl couldn't make the effort'

She is returning to Barbados before September and posted one of those countdown screenshots of her calendar on FB over the weekend and has trips to Rome, Paris and Barcelona planned for the next two months too. She also posted pics from the Barbados hen do with a thank you msg to her 'true friends' for making the effort to go

I know I ABU to compare myself to others financially and it's none of my business but I just can't get my head around it all. Her fiancé has a minimum wage job and I'm not aware of any other income yet she has these super holidays. Meanwhile, I haven't been abroad for about 5 years as I just can't afford it but she clearly thinks I should be able to. I don't have debts (other than student) and live very carefully but could never afford her lifestyle. I probably sound like a jealous cow now but am just wondering how others have nice holidays and trips on a low income?

And my reply with a laugh was 'we sell drugs, didn't you know? '. She didn't even have the grace to look embarrassed.

I notice from my own circle of friends, those that live a luxury life (new this/that and numerous holidays per year) live in debt. They live for today and not tomorrow.
Those that do have money, come from better upbringing are more careful with their spending and therefore are in control of their finances.

*Questions like this really wind me up.

I recently had a 'good' friends face drop and asking me incredulously 'but where did you get all that money?' When I answered her question about how much our deposit was for our new house. And this is someone who knows that DH works every hour God sends and I am always always alone with the dc throughout a school week and holidays. We also haven't been on holiday since 2014. (Unlike her who has done a Disney land and long haul holiday last year).

People never look for what others are cutting back on or where they're sacrificing. They just see their end goal and get all weird and shit*

So how is all of this relevent to the OP who's asking the question because she was made to feel pretty shitty for not being able to afford to go on the trips?

Is it not obvious that the comments have stung and she's wondering how others do it -whats the secret so to speak?

It was the hen who made the comments about other ppl 'not making the effort'

What a prize twat. You don't need 'friends' like that, OP.

I don't know. I wonder stuff like this a lot too.

Some people get into lots of debt, so can't really afford it.
Others have family who pay for things for them.
Others can afford things but it might not be a priority for them. it's amazing when you start to look at what people prioritise.

She isn't a friend anyway OP, because friends don't treat you like this.
She obviously expected you to drop everything and take on debt in order to go.
I'd be defriending her tbh, certainly not attending her wedding, where no doubt they'll be more of this.

I think it was horrible of her to make you feel bad about not going, I am sure you weren't the only friend who couldn't go. She sounds terribly self obsessed.

With regards to how other people afford things, yes it could be debt, but that's a finite situation that catches up with people eventually. I worked with a woman who went on regular luxury holidays despite working PT and her partner had a low paid job. It was because they had a HA house and her XH had a very high income so was paying a lot in CM. She didn't have any debt at all.

Another friend lives very well because her mother gives her hundreds every month, even though she is in her forties.

Just keep true to your own course and what works for you.

How on earth did you not respond with, "you can't be for real. Barbados for a hen do?!"

I can't get my head around that at all. Barbados cannot be done on the cheap.

Bloody hell, the 'hen' sounds just lovely..

OP, I used to wonder the same thing about a friend of mine. Turns out she was in so much debt that 10 years later she's still paying it off in a government 'avoid bankruptcy' scheme. A lot of people use credit to fund lifestyles they can't afford.

so what then happens to all those who fall seriously into debt?

lose their houses/cars/jobs/go to jail or what?

how can so many people get into debt and yet STILL carry on and live the life of riley and get away with it?

I know people like this.

I struggle enormously, yet manage to budget . no we never have holidays/big treats/ etc, but I can say I manage without loans/getting into debt, why does everyone feel the need to be so materialistic?

genuine question.

This is not a friend, her snarky comments to you are horrible.

If you have debts of less than £20k you can get a debt relief order where all payments/interest are frozen for 12 months, and at the end of that time it all gets written off. I doubt you would get credit again though. A friend of mine went for an IVA when her husband buggered off and left her in the shite, paying off joint loans etc. A lot of her debt has been written off and she has managed to keep her home.

As to why people are so materialistic - it's the capitalist system innit? We are all just consumers.

Becker, are these people declaring bankruptcy? That can result in surprising things though it does take a long time to rebuild credit.

Exactly househunting. It's what people make priority, for some it's holidays, for some it could be the latest car but rest assured if they're on a low income and not in debt then sacrifices have been made even if you can't see it. Partner and I are average income (will be considered low to a lot of people) and I've been doing the house up as it was a state when we moved in. For me to do this I have had to make sacrifices, at the moment I'm driving a very very cheap car which thankfully partner does all the work to so no garage fees there ,i havent been to the hairdressers since last year and can't remember when I bought myself new clothes. Of course people don't notice this when they're asking how I can afford it. They don't even notice that it's all b&q self done jobs (I laid our laminate so saved about a hundred on that ). All they see is someone doing something that they can't afford themselves. But then that could be because the value family holidays or nights out instead. Nothing wrong in that at all ,everyone priorities things differently. I always say I can't afford a holiday whereas in actuality if I wanted it enough I could afford it but not really motivated enough to make the sacrifices to ensure I can afford one.

I agree with everyone saying debt. But in many places it also comes down to housing costs. If, for some reason you don't have them, or they are not very much, this makes a massive difference to your disposable income.

I'm addicted to watching those "Real Housewives" reality shows, though, and they always looks like they have the most ridiculously privileged and lucky lives, but quite often, it turns out that it's actually debt that's funding it all. There's quite a few where they've actually gone bankrupt. I'm convinced they are modern morality plays to show the evils of greed

It's often debt. Dd has a friend who always has plenty of pricey new clothes and drives an expensive sports car, but she's always in debt - last I heard it was over £30k on the credit cards. When she's depressed about the level of debt, she cheers herself up - by going shopping!!

From all I gather this is not unusual.

BTW a hen do in Barbados would be lovely for anyone who can afford it. But most people simply could not, and unless the person knows for a fact that all her friends have plenty, I don't think it's fair to ask.

could be because THEY value family holidays....everyone's PRIORITISES things differently.

I have a friend who seems to be able to spend a lot on her teenagers and also always has a nice newish big car for them all. I think she must have more support from family than we do because their household income would seem similar to ours.
I guess I'm surprised about how much people spend on clothes especially for teenage DC.
We rely more on hand downs from family and friends, and DD quite likes her charity shops too.
We do manage to find money for lots of interesting activities and trips for the DC - although can't do everything - so I guess it always comes down a bit to priorities and choices.

I'm guessing credit cards/overdrafts.
We go on lovely holidays because we work hard and save hard for them, saying that i would not go to Barbados on a hen do even if i had the savings, would rather go with my husband and baby (when it arrives)
I would ignore any jibes made on FB, your managing your finances and have no debt which is better than a holiday that leaves you in debt. Sod them.

You said it yourself, you have no debts. Same here. Whereas my best mate who works in a similar field has £10,000 of credit card debt and lives it up. I'd rather not have debt hanging over my head.

It's natural to wonder, YANBU.

My aunt recently made an appearance after many years after she married a high ranking prof and they bought a house far far away from London. She comes back and wonders how we all have travelled so much and she can't afford it. She hasn't left the country with her husband and kids, who she places on a very high pedestal. She used to visit ages ago and she would actually keep her kids away from us (cousins). Her siblings have 'menial' jobs and she was most surprised when my dad said he'd just been on a cruise, and previously had taken the kids to Disney in Florida. I watched genuine shock spread across her face. When she returned I'm sure she thought she'd find us London lot in the same deprivation she'd left. Her face when she asked how much my rent was and I corrected her as we own our house. And the fact I went to a really good university despite going to the local comp.

When you're around loads of people, as I am, you learn and share how to find the deals to negotiate the lifestyle you want if your wage packet doesn't stretch much without planning. I have a friend who always messages the latest deals (such as the Mango outlet sale I bought from yesterday, or the cheap deals to Barbados actually!). My husband earns a lot, but I still shop around for deals and we don't really live a flashy life because he'd rather invest his cash for our DS and any future children. There are people who live well beyond their means, and that always catches up with them. I try not to think about how people afford things, but sometimes I have questions, such as how X can afford y when kid needs a new z and X claims they are broke.

OP, work hard, progress, save, and I'm sure in time you'll travel far and wide. You don't need anyone making you feel crap for not spending what you work hard for!

why does everyone feel the need to be so materialistic?

Because they are encouraged to be through various overt and covert means (advertising etc).

Our whole economic system is not based on simply sharing out work and resources, but on "growing" the economy through consumption (and making sure the money ultimately filters upwards into the hands of the few). Same reason that despite major advances in technology that mean many former jobs are now done by machines, we're not all enjoying increased leisure time but instead forced to invent unnecessary jobs and scrabble for them so everyone gets their proscribed 40hrs+ a week!

And some people are more resistant to the mind manipulation than others

However she managed to pay for it (and it's credit cards I'm guessing) I think it's tacky in the extreme. Barbados for a hen party...come on. I'm just surprised she didn't go to Dubai, I think that would be her cup of tea.

The age of entitlement for sure. Yuk.

Oh super, some Dubai bashing!

Jeez, I wouldn't have been able to afford Barbados for a hen do even when I was working full time and pulling in a reasonable wage! (Not a big one, just a comfortable living one).

I think some people these days just buy so much on the never never (credit cards, mostly) without ever thinking about how they're going to pay it all off. I know people who think that the overdraft facility is "extra money" - no it bloody isn't, you're borrowing the bank's money!

But she pretty much gave you the answer - other people, and probably she herself, are using credit and going into debt to facilitate this situation - you are unusual in refusing to do that. And why would you? I know I wouldn't!

Clearly though, she has a chip on her shoulder about you/ this - so why worry now, just drop her and move on. No doubt she'll be one of those brides who expects the cash gifts to be enough to help pay off her wedding (and get her out of the debt she will no doubt be getting into to pay for it).