to be upset friends didn't invite us away?

[srirachaface]

WARNING! Bit of a long saga here...
I have a set of 4 friends who all went to school together, but I've known them for around 17/18 years. I lived with A for a while and she was bridesmaid at my (first) wedding. We all have kids of a similar age, my DD and Bs DD are 5 yo best friends who have regular sleepovers together. C, I go out regularly with. D I don't see very often and I'd say we're the least close but we get on well. They all have had landmark birthdays this year and I've been part of the celebrations/chipped in for the group presents just between the 5 of us. 3 of us went abroad for a birthday weekend do. So I felt like we were a bit of a group.

Recently I saw a post between 2 of their DHs that made me think the two couples were going away together. Think nothing more. Then I have a text chat with B about half term and she mentions they're going away for a few days with D to a popular seaside resort. Coincidentally, DP and I have also booked to go to the same place on the same weekend. So I reply "oh with A too, that will be lovely, and how funny, DP and I are also there that weekend - without the kids!". The response answers an unrelated question I'd asked. Which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Couple of weeks later I see C for drinks, ask about her half term plans and she says she's around in the second half if I want to meet up. So clearly she is also going on this trip, but I didn't ask as she made no comment as to what she was actually doing.
I tell DP about it, and that I don't know why we weren't invited, and he's a bit annoyed on my behalf, but as he has anxiety/self worth issues probably blames this on himself so I kick myself for mentioning it.

Anyway fast forward to the weekend in question, it's the second morning, DP are ring shopping (finally, we've been together years) and we turn around and bump into our friends all together with their kids. Awkward hellos and hugs, various children ask where DD is, DP starts chatting to one of the DHs and I felt ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. I made an excuse that we needed to get going, and we walked away while I tried not to cry.

The whole thing has put a massive damper on our happy news - our friends didn't know about it, so I get that it's a moot point, but I haven't actually told any of them yet when normally they'd be among the first I'd tell.

I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others. But I genuinely don't know what.

I'm now torn as to whether I should say something or ignore it - no doubt my odd mood would have been picked up earlier, half of me wants to share our engagement and half of me wants to not invite them to the wedding. Not that I would be so petty, but I feel like I'm 12 and left out of a friendship group again, so much so that I can't sleep and have just cried in bed, like said 12 year old. DD has a sleepover with As DD in a few weeks, and I will lose the battle against not FB sharing our news in a day or so, so it's not like I can just ignore everyone - it will be picked up as a slight if I share without letting them know personally.
If you've got this far, suggestions?

Some of the group did know she was going away as they had chatted about going to the same place. So by the time it was all 4 of them going they would have known the op had other plans and no kids. I don't think the friend who said she was available the second week was necessarily hiding anything either. Maybe just not wanting to rub in what they were going to be doing that she wasn't available for. I really think it's a big leap to assume any kind of conspiracy here.

No one was open about the trip. When I said I was going to the same place and asked if the third couple were going, the text convo shut down. B did not say what or where she was going.

Yes we often socialise in spectate groups but rarely four out of five and if that does happen, it's not a secret.

halighhalighaliehaligh no, I didn't want the invite to turn it down. I just would have preferred it wasn't all kept quiet.

I am perfectly capable of understanding a reason for not being invited, and I am self aware enough to realise I definitely may have "quirks" that irritate.

It may well be that the assumption was made that I'd be at work and unable to go. It may also be that I unknowingly have breath like a tramps arse, either way I would prefer to know. They are all still away so I can't speak to anyone for a few days, but I will be bringing it up.

Bizarre coincidence you all ended up at the same place on the same weekend!

Did they know you were going away 'kids free' that weekend?
If so it is fair enough for them to book something else between them.

I'd recommend meeting a couple of them for coffee and asking about it... but I would not burn longterm good friendships over something like this.

Looking at it honestly would you say these are truly good friends of yours? Do you have anything really in common other than a long history?
Do you have other better friends?

May just be time to be honest with yourself, you may have outgrown each other.

God OP you are really being dignified and grown up about this but make sure that it doesn't cross the line over into being a doormat.

My feelings would be spectacularly hurt by what you have described and I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about it. I'm gobby like that though.

iflyaway I think that is a really harsh reaction to give. She is quite reasonably upset by being sidelined, and finding out about it in a really awkward way. I think you'd need to be pretty thick skinned to just brush it off. there must be a reason(s) and if these "friends" can be honest to her, she needs to know, otherwise this will fester and remain an unsaid problem.

I too would be hurt by this. I'd probably retreat into my cave and just cool things for a while, until I felt my 'friends' were either making an effort to connect, or if they did not, cut my losses and invest my time and energy in other people.

I'm not necessarily saying this is the best thing to do, just my way.

I once had a major snubbing from someone who i'd thought was a good friend (looking back we'd been drifting apart for a while) and I debated long and hard whether to bring it up with her but in the end decided not to, as I thought she'd just say any old thing to placate me (as in 'no - of course we're still friends) but then continue to be off with me, and I just couldn't see the benefit in confronting her as I couldn't rely on her to be truthful. OP only you will know if you can trust whatever your friends say to be the truth if you do confront.

But don't feel bad for being upset, or think that you're over reacting. It sounds to me like a perfectly normal reaction to some shitty behaviour.

This happened to me and DP many years ago but just reading this has sort of brought it back. We were a group of 8 - 4 women, 4 men and were all close - went to the pub every Friday, Sat and Sun night for years on end (in the days when people went to pubs!) days out etc. Then I discovered that the 6 of them were going to Spain and hadn't invited me and DP. I was SO hurt and asked the friend who I was closest to why we'd been left out and she sort of blamed it on my DP but that was stupid because she was waffling and couldn't give me any reason.

To add insult to injury when they returned one of the woman (who I had introduced to the group) asked me if I wanted to see the photographs. I said NO I didn't and they were put away - DP wasn't that bothered but I was. I never did find out the reason and 2 of the couples have since split up and the other couple moved away and he has since died. I'm still friends with one of the woman. Strange how this post has re-activated that time.

Sorry I know that's not very much help.

Congratulations on your engagement, OP. I hope you and your husband-to-be will be very happy together.

As for your friends, I'm sorry. I understand how you feel, as I am that friend that is the last to be included, if at all, by people who I was previously quite close to.

Hearts - well this is why I will address it. If I don't, it will come out in an undignified and likely very sweary way.

Yes I can be opinionated PPs but I'm not nasty or dismissive. I just don't meekly go with the general consensus on topics I care about.

Update: they all now know about the engagement after I let them know directly. Everyone has been their normal loving and kind selves about it, nothing seems amiss and girls trip two is gathering steam. I do think it's a basic reason coupled with massive error of judgment on how I might feel about not being included. Or I stink. Let's wait and see.

If someone didn't like something about me, I'd want them to be honest about it. They might worry about hurting my feelings but I do know my own faults and, whilst I'd be a little hurt, I'd be able to placate myself by going "well, it is the truth". But then of course it does depend on how you take things, as well as the other person's tact. It's totally normal to feel a little confused and hurt when you realise you've been left out of things.

Yes they would be over nice, after that awkward moment where yiu discovered you were the only one left out.

Be straight up and ask the one you are closest to about it, if you feel you can. Really shit situation. O hate stuff like that.

How truly upsetting for you - I'd have cried also. You won't get peace until you've asked one of them why they didn't invite you. So even if you hear something you don't want to, you'll be better off than not knowing.

When I worked at a newspaper many years ago, I thought one girl was a good friend. Then suddenly she just began cutting me dead. I asked her what I'd done or said, and all she could say was "you know perfectly well what you've done!" That was 33 years ago, and I still don't understand. Obviously I got over it, and can only assume that someone had made up some convincing story about me (it was a very bitchy place to work) but if you can get to the bottom of this, it'll let you know whether they are still true friends or false.

They should be ashamed and I hope they are.

NanaNina - sound's like you were "Wendy'd"

It may not be you, it could be personality clashes with the kids. We some families who we are friends with and used to go on holidays with but as their kids have got older they can be exhausting, badly behaved or just plain noisy and irritating, or they clash with our own kids. For that reason we often choose then not to do things as a family with them or go on family trips.

It could be so many reasons, it could simply be that the one who happened to organize this trip is the one you are least close to, it could be that some of their kids don't get on with your kids. Either way you will drive yourself crazy trying to second guess it. So decide for yourself either to ASK THEM, or to put it behind you and try to move on. Then continue to socialize with the people you like and distance yourself form the people who don't bring you joy.

What does "Wendy'd" mean Specky- never heard the expression.

Nana Wendied is a term that came out of a MN thread a few months back.

An OP posted they had met a new friend who she called Wendy (instead of using Friend A and B ), the main jist is Wendy infiltrated her friendship group and started doing thing with the group but excluding her. Basically stealing her friends.

I had a similar thing a few years ago. A gang of 5 uni Girls incl me and all others were bridesmaids to one girl excl me. I wasn't told either. Jus found out when we were at one girls house and the dresses were all hung up for the others to collect! It upset me at the time but I'm not bothered now. I live the furthest away and have the most / youngest kids so I know they get together without me but I'd still like to be invited occasionally. U never know I could make the effort if I knew!

Hope it goes on with ur chat OP