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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset friends didn't invite us away?

144 replies

srirachaface · 31/05/2016 00:22

WARNING! Bit of a long saga here...
I have a set of 4 friends who all went to school together, but I've known them for around 17/18 years. I lived with A for a while and she was bridesmaid at my (first) wedding. We all have kids of a similar age, my DD and Bs DD are 5 yo best friends who have regular sleepovers together. C, I go out regularly with. D I don't see very often and I'd say we're the least close but we get on well. They all have had landmark birthdays this year and I've been part of the celebrations/chipped in for the group presents just between the 5 of us. 3 of us went abroad for a birthday weekend do. So I felt like we were a bit of a group.

Recently I saw a post between 2 of their DHs that made me think the two couples were going away together. Think nothing more. Then I have a text chat with B about half term and she mentions they're going away for a few days with D to a popular seaside resort. Coincidentally, DP and I have also booked to go to the same place on the same weekend. So I reply "oh with A too, that will be lovely, and how funny, DP and I are also there that weekend - without the kids!". The response answers an unrelated question I'd asked. Which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Couple of weeks later I see C for drinks, ask about her half term plans and she says she's around in the second half if I want to meet up. So clearly she is also going on this trip, but I didn't ask as she made no comment as to what she was actually doing.
I tell DP about it, and that I don't know why we weren't invited, and he's a bit annoyed on my behalf, but as he has anxiety/self worth issues probably blames this on himself so I kick myself for mentioning it.

Anyway fast forward to the weekend in question, it's the second morning, DP are ring shopping (finally, we've been together years) and we turn around and bump into our friends all together with their kids. Awkward hellos and hugs, various children ask where DD is, DP starts chatting to one of the DHs and I felt ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. I made an excuse that we needed to get going, and we walked away while I tried not to cry.

The whole thing has put a massive damper on our happy news - our friends didn't know about it, so I get that it's a moot point, but I haven't actually told any of them yet when normally they'd be among the first I'd tell.

I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others. But I genuinely don't know what.

I'm now torn as to whether I should say something or ignore it - no doubt my odd mood would have been picked up earlier, half of me wants to share our engagement and half of me wants to not invite them to the wedding. Not that I would be so petty, but I feel like I'm 12 and left out of a friendship group again, so much so that I can't sleep and have just cried in bed, like said 12 year old. DD has a sleepover with As DD in a few weeks, and I will lose the battle against not FB sharing our news in a day or so, so it's not like I can just ignore everyone - it will be picked up as a slight if I share without letting them know personally.
If you've got this far, suggestions?

OP posts:
CaptainCrunch · 31/05/2016 05:59

Good luck op, I hope you get a satisfactory explanation. I'd be upset too.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 06:09

OP, that was a really ugly thing for them to do and I'd have no more to do with them unless it was children related.

And I think you'll have to be prepared for them already having a stock reply to anything you say about what's gone on. I think you're in for more hurt and I'd just leave it, and them behind me because there is no excuse whatsoever for what they did to you, your husband, and your children.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 06:10

And yes. Many congratulations on you Engagement. Flowers

eddielizzard · 31/05/2016 06:13

i wouldn't make the first move.

you're hurt as hell, quite reasonably so, and so i'd retreat and lick my wounds for a bit. from my experience confrontation like that doesn't really yield much. it'll be blustered embarrassed excuses and you won't feel it's resolved. most likely anyway. the damage has already been done. the friendship group is not what you thought it was.

personally i would announce your news on fakebook and don't phone or text anyone. when i'm hurt i don't generally feel like sharing with the person who hurt me.. when / if one of them contacts you you can say 'i was really hurt to be left out of your weekend, so I'm licking my wounds'. then they can trot out the crap excuse they've thought up. they'll be prepared because they contacted you.

they KNOW you're gutted. let THEM make the first move to make this right.

i bet they felt pretty shit after that. and quite rightly so. i hope they never do that to someone again. when you do see them again, you can be friendly and dignified, because you're not the kind of person that does that kind of thing.

eddielizzard · 31/05/2016 06:14

sorry too, for your dp's loss. how heartbreaking.

and now this crap too.

but congrats on your engagement. (((((hugs)))))

Tryingtostayyoung · 31/05/2016 06:25

Congratulations on your engagement. I agree with pp you should call, I'm in a group of 4 and we occasionally have slight disagreements where someone may feel left out, the best thing to do is put it out there and say how you feel.

NightWanderer · 31/05/2016 06:34

I think you should call A, tell her your news and then have a chat about what happened and how you feel about it. Just be honest and lay your cards on the table.

Good luck though, it's not an easy conversation.

rainbowstardrops · 31/05/2016 06:36

I'd be really upset too.
Congratulations on your engagement though!

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 06:44

Good luck though, it's not an easy conversation

They will already have a reply to anything said because it's a certainty that when the holiday was being planned at least one would have said to the others - what are we going to say to Srira when she finds out?

They are way ahead of the OP in this.

KERALA1 · 31/05/2016 06:47

Exactly what eddielizard said spot on

hesterton · 31/05/2016 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Windsofwinter · 31/05/2016 06:59

I personally wouldn't contact them to discuss it until you know their trip is over. I would worry they were talking about me/making me into the bad guy, even if that was not the case. Enjoy the rest of your trip, try not to give them another thought and contact A when you get home if you still feel you need to.

AHellOfABird · 31/05/2016 07:04

"had we been asked I'd have said we couldn't make it but thanks for the invite. "

I had this discussion once with a uni friend. She was of the view that, if you already knew a friend was busy on a day you planned a party, there was no point sending an invite. I was of the view that you should anyway so friend knew she was "wanted".

Could it be that? If at least one of them knew you were away, they just didn't think it was worth saying anything?

Becky546 · 31/05/2016 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueturtle6 · 31/05/2016 07:06

Could it originally been organised between b & c, d &a invited later, but didn't mention it because you were having child free weekend? Congratulations on the engagement Flowers

ThatsMyStapler · 31/05/2016 07:13

I was wondering if they knew that you were going ring shopping? And didn't want to intrude?

Did you know you were going or was it a surprise? Maybe dh told them?

YouSay · 31/05/2016 07:16

That'My

She said her dp is as annoyed as she is

snapcrap · 31/05/2016 07:19

I'm really, really surprised by these responses. Friends are allowed to splinter off into smaller groups for holidays, dinners, events, we can't all do everything together all the time. I would be really upset (ironically) if my friends were hand wringing over not inviting us to something, I would hate anyone to feel duty bound to invite us to every single event if they didn't want to! For whatever reason they didn't want to invite you, it's not a terrible personal affront, maybe they don't enjoy your husband's company for long periods of time, maybe the dynamic works better with just the four of them.

I think it's nuts to not invite them to your wedding and get in such a tizzy about this, please get some perspective, it's not the end of the world or end of the friendships. I think if you confront them then it probably will make things very awkward but on Mumsnet people seem to always be advised to confront teachers, friends, other kids' parents over all sorts of things that in RL people just let go of!

Obliviated · 31/05/2016 07:30

I would have assumed that you texting saying you were having a weekend away without the kids meant you were having a couples holiday and didn't want to be surrounded by other people's kids when you were having time away from your own.

StealthPolarBear · 31/05/2016 07:36

Op I would be hurt too. But as others say are you sure they didn't know you were going away?

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/05/2016 07:36

I would do what Eddie said.

And leaving one person out is mean - same as when on child is left out of a party.

StrictlyMumDancing · 31/05/2016 07:48

I was going to suggest that perhaps they knew you were getting engaged that weekend and didn't want to intrude (massive congratulations btw) but your comments about your DP assuming its to do with his loss strongly suggest he didn't put them off. In which case, yes they've been awful. And no, a couple of them heading off somewhere isn't bad in itself but when 4 out of 5 are invited and not even a mention is made to the 5th, its rude to say the least. Hope A gives you some truthful answer, though I suspect there has been a line prepared since you ran into them.

I'd be inclined to just announce it on facebook. If they get uppity I'd say 'oh, but I thought I mentioned it when you told me all about the holiday I wasn't welcome on' Grin

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 31/05/2016 07:50

Snap I'm really surprised at your response
In rl I am part of a group of 6 friends that go out and yes any of us would be hurt if the others snuck around like this . Obviously there are times when b,c&a are doing something but we still talk and are open about the reasons d,e and myself may not be included. That's called friendship.
OP I think your friends have for whetever reason behaved poorly so the best think is have a chat and sort it out. Ask and listen to the answer I could be something really daft or not but your friends and you deserve the conversation Flowers

msrisotto · 31/05/2016 07:51

Do speak to one of them, it may be that they knew you couldn't come and didn't mention it for that reason.

Jofo · 31/05/2016 07:58

OP, slightly off topic but I am also a 'frustrated crier' and it is so annoying at times but tears seem to be my default position when I am cross!

Congrats on your engagement.