Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset friends didn't invite us away?

144 replies

srirachaface · 31/05/2016 00:22

WARNING! Bit of a long saga here...
I have a set of 4 friends who all went to school together, but I've known them for around 17/18 years. I lived with A for a while and she was bridesmaid at my (first) wedding. We all have kids of a similar age, my DD and Bs DD are 5 yo best friends who have regular sleepovers together. C, I go out regularly with. D I don't see very often and I'd say we're the least close but we get on well. They all have had landmark birthdays this year and I've been part of the celebrations/chipped in for the group presents just between the 5 of us. 3 of us went abroad for a birthday weekend do. So I felt like we were a bit of a group.

Recently I saw a post between 2 of their DHs that made me think the two couples were going away together. Think nothing more. Then I have a text chat with B about half term and she mentions they're going away for a few days with D to a popular seaside resort. Coincidentally, DP and I have also booked to go to the same place on the same weekend. So I reply "oh with A too, that will be lovely, and how funny, DP and I are also there that weekend - without the kids!". The response answers an unrelated question I'd asked. Which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Couple of weeks later I see C for drinks, ask about her half term plans and she says she's around in the second half if I want to meet up. So clearly she is also going on this trip, but I didn't ask as she made no comment as to what she was actually doing.
I tell DP about it, and that I don't know why we weren't invited, and he's a bit annoyed on my behalf, but as he has anxiety/self worth issues probably blames this on himself so I kick myself for mentioning it.

Anyway fast forward to the weekend in question, it's the second morning, DP are ring shopping (finally, we've been together years) and we turn around and bump into our friends all together with their kids. Awkward hellos and hugs, various children ask where DD is, DP starts chatting to one of the DHs and I felt ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. I made an excuse that we needed to get going, and we walked away while I tried not to cry.

The whole thing has put a massive damper on our happy news - our friends didn't know about it, so I get that it's a moot point, but I haven't actually told any of them yet when normally they'd be among the first I'd tell.

I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others. But I genuinely don't know what.

I'm now torn as to whether I should say something or ignore it - no doubt my odd mood would have been picked up earlier, half of me wants to share our engagement and half of me wants to not invite them to the wedding. Not that I would be so petty, but I feel like I'm 12 and left out of a friendship group again, so much so that I can't sleep and have just cried in bed, like said 12 year old. DD has a sleepover with As DD in a few weeks, and I will lose the battle against not FB sharing our news in a day or so, so it's not like I can just ignore everyone - it will be picked up as a slight if I share without letting them know personally.
If you've got this far, suggestions?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:47

Obviously when they are back from holiday.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 12:25

I think they're a very cool bunch because even when the OP asked a friend to meet up in the holidays she just said she was away early in the holiday but she could meet up later. So even then it was radio silence on the holiday and I would put money on all of them agreeing it wouldn't be mentioned to you because they knew what they were doing wasn't on.

One other thing - There are better ways to announce an engagement on FB. The local newspaper for instance. Smile

eddielizzard · 31/05/2016 12:58

if you want to stay friends, then you have to get over it. yes they left you out, and it was intentional. so either you stay friends in which case i think the less said the better, or you don't in which case vent away to them.

i doubt it's something you've done or you would have felt ripples at the time surely?

i suspect it's more that there's something they all have in common and enjoy which you don't eg. they all like a bit of a drink and you're a teetotal. or they love schmoozing round shopping centres and you don't...

SeaWitchly · 31/05/2016 13:07

I have had a similar experience with a friend's wedding and I agree it is the secrecy of it which is the worst.

To maintain secrecy it means that the others must have colluded and this is the most hurtful of all, that you are somehow not important enough for friends to think about your feelings and explain what is happening so you don't stumble across the truth by accident.

However I do think this is how some groups operate. It feels very school yard but there are some that are in the inner zone and others that are relegated to the periphery. The inner zone get to feel like the cool girls [or cool boys] and these are the ones who decide whether you are in or out, the others are more sheep like and go along with it for an easy ride and also enjoy the feeling of being in with the cool crowd.

My advice would be to speak to your friend whom you are closest to to see if there is something going on that you should know about. See what she has to say and reflect upon it. If you feel that what she says makes sense and you are happy enough with the explanation then perhaps you can give this group a second chance. If not however I would personally cool it with them and participate in group events when and if it suits you but otherwise focus more on your true friends and spend more time with them.

It is very hurtful to be treated like this OP and I don't think it says much for your friends or their thoughtfulness to be honest Flowers

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 31/05/2016 13:10

I'm also of the feeling that you don't have to do everything with everyone all the time. You can mix and match.

SeaWitchly · 31/05/2016 13:29

Yes, that's fine Twowrongs... But then you should be honest with your friends about what your social plans are and not try and cover them up.

And to leave only one couple out [when they would normally be invited or at least informed that something was being planned] is beyond the pale tbh.

Blimmincheek · 31/05/2016 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 31/05/2016 13:43

I'd be very hurt. Nasty lot.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 15:02

They made you feel shit, they are no friends.

shovetheholly · 31/05/2016 15:09

Oooof, what a horrible thing to happen. At very least, the moment they found out you were going to be there too, the graceful thing would have been to arrange to meet up. It was quite predictable, by the sounds of things, that you would run into one another.

I think blimmincheek's suggestion above is spot on.

gandalf456 · 31/05/2016 15:16

You are right to be upset. They didn't want you there for whatever reason.

I am not sure what would change if you spoke about it but you'd get it off your chest. The friendship is damaged noe anyway. I don't see a good reason why you couldn't have gone if you're all friends

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 15:33

Not only did they leave you out, but they knew you were going to the same place, and did not ask if you wanted to meet up. Very very hurtful and insensitive.

emmalimesmom · 31/05/2016 15:46

you said in your words your an opinionated cow, are you offensive with your opinions, do you give your opinion even when no ones asked for it.
i ask because i used to work with a woman who had an opinion on everything and it was never very nice. ppl was offended with what she said although no one told her they just avoided her didnt mention any good news to her cos she would put a downer on it
its nasty what you friends have done though

KondoLisaNice · 31/05/2016 17:53

Op congratulations on your engagement. On the issues of friendships I am really surprised by the near consensus of responses. I don't think that because you have done stuff with 2 or 3 other couples in the past that this means that it is a rejection of you if people decide to do something without you in future. This doesn't feel grown up!

Years ago, when I first moved to my current city I made friends with 2 women and their partners made friends with my partner. We did lots together and had lots of laughs. I realised a couple of times that they had also done stuff without us and had tried to hide it in case we felt left out. This felt ridiculous to me. So I made it clear that it was absolutely ok for us not always all go out together as a 6 and that it was ok to socialise in smaller groupings. It might be that one person saw a really lovely cottage that only slept x number and bumped into the other couple first.. or saw an event and immediately thought of another friend. If you are only allowed to socialise as a 6 group of 6, plus kids then it makes it really difficult to arrange stuff.. especially booking cottages. AIBU for thinking that most people's mind set on this thread is coming over as a bit childish?

age81 · 31/05/2016 18:12

Congratulations on your engagement!

I'm on the fence here, I think yes you can do things with other couples and that's OK as long as there is no one sneaking around (which clearly there has been).
However, being part of a group of 5 and being the only couple excluded would upset me too. I would probably not be the first to contact anyone and wait to see who has the balls to make the first move. I would also question how much these people really are friends tbh.

They have been cruel & pure mean in my opinion which also meant your dc were left out too.

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 18:40

The photos and FB check ins have started to appear.

My current feel is that I will distance myself and feel a bit shit for a while until I feel better.

I still feel I should text A re the engagement because I don't want to come across as being sulky and playing tit for tat - I would prefer to take the high ground and continue to be a decent friend. On the other hand, I don't want to be treated like a fool (I'd prefer a harsher word but mn says no).

I am in the middle of arranging another weekend away with C and her friend. She is being awkward about the destination and I am chewing my fingers off not to just chuck my toys out of the pram and pull out of the trip. (YES, everyone was invited to this one too.)

I don't want to be the first to start talking about it, if I had hurt someone or thought I had, I would always approach them first. I think I'll be waiting a while though.

OP posts:
GassyS · 31/05/2016 19:18

Firstly - CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!! Like some
of the pp I've been in a similar position and I agree it's the secrecy that's the most hurtful, and yanbu to be upset. When do they come back from their break?

SoleBizzz · 31/05/2016 19:49

Could it be they have planned a surprise considering you and DP are going to the same place?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 19:54

Talk about rubbing your face in it. I will definitely ask them if there was anything you done wrong, as you weren't invited to the Holiday.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 19:54

OP, I would pull out of the trip and I wouldn't be telling them about the engagement via FB either.

I'm also wondering why C is being awkward about the destination. Could it be that if everyone isn't going she doesn't want to just go with you?

I'm sorry if that hurts but this is getting worse each time you post.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 19:56

And please don't forget they've done this to your wee girl as well and it's just not on. Her wee pals have been away and she wasn't with them.

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 20:26

Has a long chat with another mutual friend who was also at school with the group. Dips in and out of gatherings, is not a known gossip or troublemaker. Came as a surprise that we weren't invited and it was secret, couldn't think of anything I might have done to upset anyone. Thinks that one of them would contact me when they're back to explain, seeing as they were busted.

Have sent A a message re engagement. They're all still together but another friend has FB 'leaked' so I felt very uncomfortable with leaving it as FB.

I'm leaving it at that, if anyone brings up the meeting then I'll spill. Otherwise, I'm closing the box and moving on. My DD loves their kids, and I wouldn't want to upset her good relationship.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 20:44

OP maybe stop making FB such a big thing in your life as well.

Good luck with your friends

whois · 31/05/2016 20:49

I'm in the friends can splinter and you don't have to do everything as a group all the time.

However, for that to be he case you are honest about your plans "oh no, can't meet up then am going to Corfu with Tracy and Alex for the first weekend" not just "away then, can meet up later".

It is obviously hurtful to be left out. If you want to stay friends but find out why, speak to whoever is closest to you. It maybe the kids don't get on, they find your parenting style different to theirs, you like different hangs out of holidays.

I probably wouldn't make a big deal or of it, but j would find out why I wasn't invited. And then you can make the decision if you can get past it of not.

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 21:26

Oh no, really Jellybelly? I was just about to do a vague status update and a mushy poetry based meme before changing my surname to Zuckerberg Blush
It's a thing, but it's not that much of a thing in my life. It's relevant to the current events.

And I've now analysed and talked it out with you lot, and a couple of friends and I'm cool now. Over it and moving on. What happens happens WineWine

OP posts: