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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be upset friends didn't invite us away?

144 replies

srirachaface · 31/05/2016 00:22

WARNING! Bit of a long saga here...
I have a set of 4 friends who all went to school together, but I've known them for around 17/18 years. I lived with A for a while and she was bridesmaid at my (first) wedding. We all have kids of a similar age, my DD and Bs DD are 5 yo best friends who have regular sleepovers together. C, I go out regularly with. D I don't see very often and I'd say we're the least close but we get on well. They all have had landmark birthdays this year and I've been part of the celebrations/chipped in for the group presents just between the 5 of us. 3 of us went abroad for a birthday weekend do. So I felt like we were a bit of a group.

Recently I saw a post between 2 of their DHs that made me think the two couples were going away together. Think nothing more. Then I have a text chat with B about half term and she mentions they're going away for a few days with D to a popular seaside resort. Coincidentally, DP and I have also booked to go to the same place on the same weekend. So I reply "oh with A too, that will be lovely, and how funny, DP and I are also there that weekend - without the kids!". The response answers an unrelated question I'd asked. Which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Couple of weeks later I see C for drinks, ask about her half term plans and she says she's around in the second half if I want to meet up. So clearly she is also going on this trip, but I didn't ask as she made no comment as to what she was actually doing.
I tell DP about it, and that I don't know why we weren't invited, and he's a bit annoyed on my behalf, but as he has anxiety/self worth issues probably blames this on himself so I kick myself for mentioning it.

Anyway fast forward to the weekend in question, it's the second morning, DP are ring shopping (finally, we've been together years) and we turn around and bump into our friends all together with their kids. Awkward hellos and hugs, various children ask where DD is, DP starts chatting to one of the DHs and I felt ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. I made an excuse that we needed to get going, and we walked away while I tried not to cry.

The whole thing has put a massive damper on our happy news - our friends didn't know about it, so I get that it's a moot point, but I haven't actually told any of them yet when normally they'd be among the first I'd tell.

I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others. But I genuinely don't know what.

I'm now torn as to whether I should say something or ignore it - no doubt my odd mood would have been picked up earlier, half of me wants to share our engagement and half of me wants to not invite them to the wedding. Not that I would be so petty, but I feel like I'm 12 and left out of a friendship group again, so much so that I can't sleep and have just cried in bed, like said 12 year old. DD has a sleepover with As DD in a few weeks, and I will lose the battle against not FB sharing our news in a day or so, so it's not like I can just ignore everyone - it will be picked up as a slight if I share without letting them know personally.
If you've got this far, suggestions?

OP posts:
whatstheplanphil · 31/05/2016 08:13

Totally agree with eddielizard
Congratulations on your engagement Flowers

Liiinooo · 31/05/2016 08:20

I am part of two separate groups of the type you describe and I would be very hurt if either group planned a weekend away or a big night out and I wasn't invited. In fact, yesterday I started to organise a girls weekend at the end of June and included 2 people in the group who I know won't be able to make it but I didn't want to them to think they were being excluded.

Obviously within each group there are smaller groups and dyads and particular hobby groups etc, but to arrange a group thing and not even mention it to the one person who is not included seems pre-mediatated and is unkind.

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 08:27

Snapcrap - I do have perspective. It's not a big group splinter, it's one person left out. Big difference. In the OP I said I felt like not inviting them, but I'd never be so petty - it's a childish, gut response that adult me would not actually see through. This isn't something to end a friendship over, I simply feel hurt by it.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 08:34

This isn't something to end a friendship over, I simply feel hurt by it.

But do you think that there is some thing going on that they feel they want to end an friendship over, hence not inviting you?

scarlets · 31/05/2016 08:38

I would ring whichever friend is likely to be most candid. If you've inadvertently committed some faux pas, she probably won't lie/bluster and you will have the opportunity to put it right.

I really hope it's nothing to do with your late stepdaughter. Squeezing someone out because they've had a terrible year and maybe aren't brilliant company, would be a disgraceful thing to do.

Congrats on your engagement!

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 08:45

Ok. To clarify.

  1. The 3 person trip was one where all were invited, 2 were unable or chose not to come along.
  1. They wouldn't have known about the ring choosing, DP is simply not the kind to organise something like that, and even if he was, the trip invite wouldn't have been to him instead of me.
  1. I fully agree that at least one person knew we were away. However what I don't understand is all the secrecy that's surrounded it. Wouldn't you just say "we are all away this weekend, I remember you guys already had plans for then etc"? There have been no FB pictures posted when usually there would be check ins etc.
  1. A looked the most uncomfortable when we met, D asked if we'd arranged to meet - so I assume she thought it was all in the open. B breezed over it all, C was lost in another part of town and the men seemed perfectly normal.
  1. I can't call A today, they're still all together. I am going to text her my news however, because even if I feel hard done by, she is still a friend I want to tell myself rather than via FB. A and D are the most "feeling" people of the group and I think A will be straight with me should I speak to her. B & C are more likely to be of the opinion that it's just tough, can't have everyone, and I'll get over it. Which is true.

If I think about it rationally, I don't actually think this was done with intentional malice. There may well a perfectly reasonable explanation - it mushroomed from two couples, they couldn't find accommodation big enough, they assumed I'd be working this week (they are there for at least another day or two) and wouldn't be able to go - frankly even if an explanation sounded a bit far fetched I would take it on the chin.

Like I said, it's the secrecy and tailed off conversations or unanswered texts. I was bullied a bit at school, so perhaps this bothers me more than it would someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 08:47

As for something deeper going on, I just don't think so. We have discussed my upcoming birthday plans with an offer to organise a girls lunch, summer holiday trips with kids, even Christmas pantos. So I don't think it's a full on phase out.

OP posts:
Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 08:55

Strictly - hahaha I would LOVE to say that. 15 years ago I would have. However I now project an outer zen and shout about my anger online instead rise above such hostile responses---- Halo

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/05/2016 08:55

Do they all live geographically close to each other?

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 08:57

Flumps - absolutely. I expect it IS something daft, and then they thought id be upset by not being included so then thought it would be better to keep it quiet, when in fact I'd have preferred an upfront! Then I could have sulked a bit before having a word with myself and understanding why and all would be well.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/05/2016 08:57

You aren't the same poster who had chipped in for the rest of the group's birthday days/nights out, but then when it came to yours, some didn't want to do the activity, are you? Apologies if not- it just rang a bell with the A/B/C etc

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 08:58

Also, THANK you for all of the congratulations! Not having announced on FB yet, they're all very much appreciated! GrinGrinGrinWine

OP posts:
happypoobum · 31/05/2016 09:05

I really sympathise OP. I am one of a similar group of five and have had an issue where one of the group seemed to be freezing me out, but everyone else was just as warm and friendly.

These things can be really upsetting and unsettling, I don't think you are being childish at all.

I hope it is all resolved soon, and congratulations!!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:11

Congratulations on your engagement. That is shit, and I think A is who you need to bring it up with, or a group e mail as they were all involved. That way you can get your feelings down in a reasonable way, without becoming upset or forgetting what you need to say. Tbh, this would be a dealbraker for me, I would seriously distance myself from them. This is an incredibly nasty thing to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:15

Or send a group PM, I personally would do this, so you don't get into confrontation, and they don't have a chance to try and dismiss you and your feelings.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:16

Tbh, they don't sound very nice, they probably have done you a favour.

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 09:24

Rollonthesummer no I'm not. Well at least not so far, still a few months to go until mine! Confused

OP posts:
TheWindInThePillows · 31/05/2016 09:28

I don't think sending a group PM is a good idea at all unless you basically want to write off the friendship group of 18 years. People in a group will stick together if confronted, and then tell each other they were right not to invite you, when the truth may have been a lot more accidental or other things going on (even just size of accommodation).

Also, from what I understand B and D didn't hide they were going at all, so it's not like they all agreed to leave you out and not to tell you from the start.

I would not call someone on holiday to ask why I wasn't on that holiday. I feel sorry for you feeling a bit left out, but I don't go round to my lovely friend's house when she's having a dinner party to see why I haven't been invited, it happens, people like different combos of people at different times and this may have been one of them, especially as you said (in response to B saying she was going with D) that you were going away without the children that weekend anyway, so there was no need to actually ask you given that you had already shared your plans.

soundofthenightingale · 31/05/2016 09:29

I rather liked Snap's philosophical response. When people are always in agreement, it is always good to have another perspective. And I also feel similarly I wouldn't like it if peeps felt obliged to invite me when they didn't want to! As Germaine Greer once said, rejection is the beginning of freedom (or something like that).

I do get OP's hurt feeings though. I agree with posters who suggest retreat and lick your wounds for a while. And just see how friendships develop. Maybe you will be more friendly with one or two, or they will become more superficial. Friendships always change, especially 'group' friendships where some are closer than others within it, or things may just naturally recallibrate back more to how things were. Just try to give space and see how things go.

369thegoosedrankwine · 31/05/2016 09:33

This kind of thing hurts no matter how old you are, and I can fully imagine how you feel.

This happened to me, (different circumstances but my dh and I were just not really included any more). I confronted it head on but never recived a good reason as to why. I am 100%confident I didn't insult or hurt any of them.

I was incredibly hurt, but fast forward 6 years and I met another old friend of this clique. She asked if I still see x,y,z and I say no, we're not really in the clique anymore. She smiled knowingly and said no surprise there then, that's just how they work, new faces are interesting.

I'm not saying that this is how they work, but just if you do confront this it doesn't necessarily mean that things will change. Some people are just thoughtless and selfish beyond belief.

Congratulations on your engagement.

FuriousFate · 31/05/2016 09:38

I wouldn't text A as she will tell the others. I would be very hurt in your position. Don't let their nastiness ruin your engagement. Congrats and have fun celebrating with DH-to be and people who genuinely care about you.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:39

I disagree, I think you are old friends, you need to speak to them about it. If Their actions make you feel like you did, then and you know what their responses might be, then mabey I would distance myself, I could not feel the same as before. They left one out, not just went a few or couple on their own, that is crap.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:39

If you know their reactions, you can take it from there.

Original poster
srirachaface · 31/05/2016 09:41

I'm not calling/bringing it up while they're away.
Aeroflot yep, we are old friends and we've been through a lot together. I'd like to repair and move forward if I can.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2016 09:43

I hope you can, but only time will tell. Be good to yourself, that was really hurtful what they did, you need to relay that to them, before you can move forward. How their reactions are, will tell you what you need to know.

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