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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be upset friends didn't invite us away?

144 replies

srirachaface · 31/05/2016 00:22

WARNING! Bit of a long saga here...
I have a set of 4 friends who all went to school together, but I've known them for around 17/18 years. I lived with A for a while and she was bridesmaid at my (first) wedding. We all have kids of a similar age, my DD and Bs DD are 5 yo best friends who have regular sleepovers together. C, I go out regularly with. D I don't see very often and I'd say we're the least close but we get on well. They all have had landmark birthdays this year and I've been part of the celebrations/chipped in for the group presents just between the 5 of us. 3 of us went abroad for a birthday weekend do. So I felt like we were a bit of a group.

Recently I saw a post between 2 of their DHs that made me think the two couples were going away together. Think nothing more. Then I have a text chat with B about half term and she mentions they're going away for a few days with D to a popular seaside resort. Coincidentally, DP and I have also booked to go to the same place on the same weekend. So I reply "oh with A too, that will be lovely, and how funny, DP and I are also there that weekend - without the kids!". The response answers an unrelated question I'd asked. Which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Couple of weeks later I see C for drinks, ask about her half term plans and she says she's around in the second half if I want to meet up. So clearly she is also going on this trip, but I didn't ask as she made no comment as to what she was actually doing.
I tell DP about it, and that I don't know why we weren't invited, and he's a bit annoyed on my behalf, but as he has anxiety/self worth issues probably blames this on himself so I kick myself for mentioning it.

Anyway fast forward to the weekend in question, it's the second morning, DP are ring shopping (finally, we've been together years) and we turn around and bump into our friends all together with their kids. Awkward hellos and hugs, various children ask where DD is, DP starts chatting to one of the DHs and I felt ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. I made an excuse that we needed to get going, and we walked away while I tried not to cry.

The whole thing has put a massive damper on our happy news - our friends didn't know about it, so I get that it's a moot point, but I haven't actually told any of them yet when normally they'd be among the first I'd tell.

I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others. But I genuinely don't know what.

I'm now torn as to whether I should say something or ignore it - no doubt my odd mood would have been picked up earlier, half of me wants to share our engagement and half of me wants to not invite them to the wedding. Not that I would be so petty, but I feel like I'm 12 and left out of a friendship group again, so much so that I can't sleep and have just cried in bed, like said 12 year old. DD has a sleepover with As DD in a few weeks, and I will lose the battle against not FB sharing our news in a day or so, so it's not like I can just ignore everyone - it will be picked up as a slight if I share without letting them know personally.
If you've got this far, suggestions?

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 31/05/2016 21:33

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BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 31/05/2016 21:45

I think you are being very grown up about it. It's not remotely the same as a few friends splintering off, it's the whole lot leaving 1 couple out and that's not on.

I'd not get in touch with them unless they did first and then I'd be wanting to know why they did that. They seemed to go to lengths to not specifically mention that they were all going away together. This was preplanned, not some spur of the moment thing. Leaving you out seems to be deliberate and I'd want to know why.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 31/05/2016 22:00

I don't really think the friends have done anything wrong. They knew that you were going away with your dp. I think it's reasonable for them to assume you wouldn't want to go away with them and their children when you were child free? I think it's a lot different than if it was just couples going.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2016 01:29

And I think that last comment by Haligh would be perfectly reasonable IF, and only IF the other 4 friends had not been secretive about it.

If they'd all said openly "oh we're going away together but we knew you were busy so haven't included you" then NO PROBLEM.

It's the underhanded secrecy that's hurtful.

Original poster
srirachaface · 01/06/2016 06:51

Nailed it, ThumbWitches. It was all arranged and planned well before the text where I mentioned our trip. There's the rub.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 01/06/2016 07:04

Nailed it, ThumbWitches. It was all arranged and planned well before the text where I mentioned our trip. There's the rub

I think most people got that and understood from the outset your very valid reason for being upset.

I know you've said your putting it behind you but I suspect after this its all going to very different with you perhaps not having a say in what happens next. I think this holiday was the new way forward for your group and its all the more horrible because of your daughters friendship with one of the other children.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 01/06/2016 07:19

Just reread your post. The other 4 went to school together, you didn't. A was your bridesmaid; B is your DD's friend's mum; C you go out with, possibly just the two of you and D lives a distance away. It doesn't read like you're a group that does things together as a group all the time. Only three went on the hol you mentioned. It sounds like friends that all know eachother but aren't joined at the hip.

The group of friends I'm with all met at the nursery gate years ago. Sometimes the dads go out, sometimes the mums, sometimes all, sometimes splinter groups. No big deal. Not everyone has to be invited to everything.

Can I ask. When you go out with C, are A, B and D always invited? When your daughter has B's daughter over, do you invite everyone else's DC over too? Unless you do everything as a gang and this time you've been deliberately excluded, I think you're the one making things awkward. Things are often done in smaller groups, and this time it happens that old school friends arranged things as a group without feeling that they HAVE to invite you too

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2016 07:21

OP remember they did not only treat you this way, they treated your children too.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2016 07:22

That would be the dealbreaker, and would put a dampner on this.

SeaWitchly · 01/06/2016 08:22

I agree Aeroflot.

That was also the case with my 'friend's' wedding situation. It wasn't just me and DH that was left out, it was also my two DSs. One of my DSs is best friends with 'friend's' DS so it's made it quite difficult now. We have gone from regular meet ups to zilch. I feel bad for my DS but I just cannot bring myself to socialise with this woman anymore. She had ample opportunities to inform me of her plans but chose to essentially lie and maintain secrecy. Which was and is very hurtful. I don't feel the same way about her anymore. I think she is aware I am upset but she hasn't tried to heal the rift although we had a half hearted 'chat' about it.
This may also happen to you OP. If you don't get a good enough reason from your friends as to why they left you out you may find that your friendship is irreparably damaged anyway because you won't trust them or be able to enjoy their company in the same way you once did. And that really hurts Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2016 08:31

I totally agree sea, that was dreadful what that 'best friend'to you and your ds. No apology and expla nation. In op situation, it's the secrecy and deceit, they knew what they were doing was not right, hence all the gush hush. When op caught them all together with their children, they looked awkward. I could not trust them again, and would feel bloody hurt. Not only for me, but my kids who are supposed to be close.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 01/06/2016 08:34

Seawitchly. Do you think the OP would have been fine if C had said 'I'm going away with A, B and D for the first week but I'm around for the second'? I think she'd still have been upset because she wasn't invited. But does she have to be invited to everything each of them does? It sounds like they often do things separately.

In previous hols if I was asked if I was free for a trip, I wouldn't list what I was doing every day, I'd just say when I was free.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2016 08:35

Fine if they went in small groups, but to leave one out, no sorry

kerbys · 01/06/2016 09:52

Well I don't see how you can just ignore what happened. I would be wondering what it was about me they didn't like. Am I annoying? Do I smell? Do they moan about me behind my back?

I wouldn't want to be around them any more. Nasty.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2016 10:08

Exactly kerbys, I would be wondering too. Op said she could be very opinionated, mabey they did not want her there because of that.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 01/06/2016 13:21

Unless I've read it wrong then it's possible a couple of them had organised something. Then maybe someone else got invited. Then maybe they talked about asking you and someone mentioned you were child free and going away with your dp. I wouldn't bother asking a friend if they wanted to come on holiday with my kids when I knew they didn't even have their own. If you would prefer to think that it's been some massive operation to avoid you then that's up to you. But it might be less upsetting to assume the far more likely scenario that the kids were taken away together and you weren't invited because you wouldn't have your kids at the time. And you only wanted the invite so you could turn it down anyway? I'm glad my group of friends don't get worked up about stuff like this.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 01/06/2016 13:24

Then maybe they talked about asking you and someone mentioned you were child free and going away with your dp

They didnt know.

MrsSparkles · 01/06/2016 13:48

It's not quite the same (we're not a group of friends who do everything together) but I've got some friends who I just won't go away with - either due to bad experiences in the past (over splitting bills, deciding what to do or similar) or the expectation that we would have a bad experience and would no longer be such good friends. Could it possibly be something like that?

It doesn't help with the feeling that everyone's gone behind your back I know, but hopefully you can talk to them when they're back and find out it was something simple.

Zoomtothespoon · 01/06/2016 13:56

Is it possible it was mentioned to your DP and he told them what his plans were for the weekend so they hadn't invited you? And a huge coincidence you were going to the same place?

SeaWitchly · 01/06/2016 14:23

Twowrongs yes, I agree that would also hurt to be told that out of a group of 5 couples who regularly socialise together yours is the only couple left out and not invited.

But to not even be told is worse. Especially when the other couples may suspect you might find out at some point... I mean children do talk about their holidays, it is entirely possible that one of them might tell OPs children about their great holiday to wherever with A & B & C & D...

Not being told at all means that the whole group is colluding in keeping the trip secret, hence the awkward atmosphere when they were found out by OP and her DP. And people normally keep things like this secret because they fear the left out person getting angry or upset. So they know it is an upsetting thing to do to someone, they probably wouldn't like it if it was done to them and they don't want to have to deal with any potential fall out.

So not true friends in my estimation.

TheWindInThePillows · 01/06/2016 14:37

The whole trip wasn't a secret, the original two (B and D) were open about it. It was only the last two who, I suspect not knowing who had invited who, didn't mention it in texts.It's not that strange not to mention it, if you are unsure who is doing what and if everyone is asked.

But it's not true it was a massive secret, the OP knows about it as they chatted about it beforehand and found out they were going to the same place.

AyeAmarok · 01/06/2016 14:42

I think you're handling this all very well OP.

Congratulations on your engagement, that's great news!

SeaWitchly · 01/06/2016 14:46

Well yes, B was open about going away with D but not about meeting up with A and C. B also knew that OP and her DP were going to be in the same place at the same time and didn't arrange for them all to catch up together which wasn't perhaps essential bit would have been the nice, friendly thing to do

A and C said nothing about it at all and kept shtum.

I personally think A, B, C and D all come out of this badly and I would feel somewhat differently about all of them tbh.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 01/06/2016 15:42

But do they all socialise regularly? One lives far away. It sounded like they sometimes socialise together, sometimes separately.

beccabanana · 01/06/2016 16:50

These situations are not normally as bad as we imagine they will be in our heads, so hopefully it will be something of nothing or mixed wires somewhere. I hope so as if not it's a pretty mean thing to do