Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited on pricey stag weekend but not to the wedding? AIBU?

143 replies

Remm89 · 30/05/2016 08:55

Morning All!

Need some advice about stag/wedding invites …….

A couple, that both my fiancé and I went to school with and know fairly well, are getting married in Autumn.

We knew from mutual friends that save-the-dates went out earlier this year and neither of us were surprised to not make the short list - weddings are expensive and they aren't close friends.

This weekend however the groom has invited my fiancé on the stag weekend for October half term.

The stag is a 5 day trip to Germany (I believe Berlin)!!

My fiancé mentioned it on Saturday night to me and both agreed that we can't afford it as we are saving for our own wedding in 2017.

Anyway, fiancé has just woken up to an email from the best man which reads…

"Hey X,
Good to catch up yesterday. Know things might be tight at the moment so hope this will help. I will be EPIC! "

And attached is the receipt for EasyJet flights in my fiancé's name! He had no idea!!!

My fiancé is mortified but doesn't know what to do?

AIBU? This is ridiculous right?!?!

OP posts:
WellErrr · 30/05/2016 09:15

There must have been some misunderstanding - I'm not going. Hope you all have a good time.

Thataintnoetchasketch · 30/05/2016 09:16

Why are they so intent on aggressively pursuing him to come to the stag when they're not close enough to be invited to the wedding? Just firmly tell him no thank you for all the reasons already decided.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/05/2016 09:18

I also wouldn't use money again as an excuse, it doesn't matter if your poor, loaded or anywhere in between - you decide where you go and what you spend your money on not someone desperately scrambling to make up numbers. Do not plead poverty

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/05/2016 09:18

So he now has the flights. How can he suddenly magic up the funds for a 5 day trip to berlin. He needs accommodation for a start, then its food, lots of drink and what ever other bollocks the groom wants to do.

honeysucklejasmine · 30/05/2016 09:18

Sounds like not many people want to go on his ego fuelled trip.

mumgointhroughtorture · 30/05/2016 09:21

Has he got to pay the money back for the flights ? just speechless at the sheer cheek of the situation. It will probably cost more than a family holiday !

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/05/2016 09:28

These things have got completely out of hand. Over 10 yrs ago now a dd's boyfriend said no to a 5 day stag do in Boston. He didn't relish saying sorry, he couldn't afford it, but he didn't have much choice.

I think it's extraordinarily self-centred of people to expect their friends to spend a lot of money, AND give up days of precious leave, for stag/hen dos. Dds have felt obliged to go to several that were expensive and involved 3 or 4 nights in hotels abroad.
It would be a very good thing IMO if more people just said sorry, they needed the money (not to mention the time) for other things. And it eventually became U to expect more than a good night out.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2016 09:29

'He needs accommodation for a start, then its food, lots of drink and what ever other bollocks the groom wants to do.'

And also for the groom's share of everything, probably.

'Has he got to pay the money back for the flights ? '

Why should he? He didn't ask for it.

MissBattleaxe · 30/05/2016 09:30

This is a rude passive aggressive way of getting the non guests to come. It's clear that a 5 day trip to a pricey. European city is too much and too grabby but the best man is trying to save face because so many have dropped out.

Just reply that "I couldn't come before and I can't come now"

diddl · 30/05/2016 09:31

I thought that you needed a passport number to book a flight?

Well, as others have said, no matter as that t=is the least of it!

Time of work, acommodation, drinking money...

Not to mention not being a good/close enough friend to be invited to the wedding!

Not to mention the BM said "Epic"??!!-def a no!Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 30/05/2016 09:35

I agree with glossing over the money aspect; he wouldn't want to sound as though he wanted them to fund him for the whole trip. Just say you're still not able to go. If you give people reasons they have something to argue against and the next thing you know you've run out of excuses and somehow find yourself doing the thing anyway. I dunno about your fiancé, but personally I wouldn't be that happy to go overseas with people who don't know how to take "thanks but no thanks" for an answer. What else might he be railroaded into, or hassled to death about if he doesn't?

Oh for the days when a stag do meant a heavy evening in the pub.

Shakey15000 · 30/05/2016 09:35

diddl the tickets can be bought and the passport info added at a later date Smile

I agree, quick text back with a firm "no thanks"

Only1scoop · 30/05/2016 09:35
Shock

Has he spoken to him yet?

Only1scoop · 30/05/2016 09:36

Had your Dp made out at any point that he really wants to go but can't afford the flight?

Finola1step · 30/05/2016 09:37

Tell him pronto. "No can do mate. I've got other things planned. Thanks for the gesture but I'm sure you will be able to change the name on the ticket"

As an aside, what the heck has happened to hen and stag do's? Why does it have to be a huge, extravagant affair? There's nowt wrong with a pub crawl for a stag do. For one night.

Trills · 30/05/2016 09:39

That's a GREAT trick.

The flights will probably be unrefundable, or un-name-change-able.

The best man is hoping your DP would feel too guilty to "waste" the flights, so feels like he has to go.

I guess there's a chance that he's naive and thinks he's helping. But only a slim one.

Original poster
Remm89 · 30/05/2016 09:44

So he replied to the best man via text (he wanted to call the Groom but turns out he doesn't even have his number!)

"Yeah it was good to see you too. Thanks for the thought but I can't make it for T's stag. Hope you all have fun. Next time you're in London let me know x"

No response yet….

OP posts:
DitheringDiva · 30/05/2016 09:45

Definitely don't use money as an excuse, because the groom/best man can solve the problem of money by offering you more money. If you want to give an excuse it has to be a problem they can't solve eg. he can't get time off work (because he's used up his holiday allocation or loads of other people are off due to it being school holiday time).

As PPs have said though, I wouldn't bother giving any excuses, just keep saying "no" every time it's mentioned. It's not like they're going to kidnap him, bundle him into a car, force him on a plane etc. against his will!

StickyProblem · 30/05/2016 09:46

Your DP is being treated like a bum on a seat, if the couple were keen to see you/him they would have invited you to the wedding. Why should you use your time and money just to make the stag numbers up?

yorkshapudding · 30/05/2016 09:47

I don't think it's a "lovely thought" at all. I think it's pushy and manipulative.

Clearly the assumption is that your DP will feel obligated to accept the invitation now because of this "gesture", it's trying to take away his choice basically. The reality of the situation is that food, alcohol, accommodation and activities will almost certainly make the cost of flights seem like a drop in the ocean. Not to mention the assumption that your DP would be happy to use a weeks annual leave to go to the stag do of a not very close friend when he hasn't even been invited to the wedding.

I wouldn't bother getting into a debate or a row over this but I would make it clear I wouldn't be going. I'd reply along the lines of "thanks but I wish you'd checked with me before booking. I can't do that week, got other stuff on. Have a great time though".

expatinscotland · 30/05/2016 09:48

Sounds good, Remm. Short and sweet. He doesn't even have the groom's number? FFS.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/05/2016 09:50

Definitely a bum on seat if your DF doesnt even have the grooms number.

Only1scoop · 30/05/2016 09:50

Has he made out to the BM that he really wants to come but can't afford flights I wonder?

If he has then that's a different issue

Lilacpink40 · 30/05/2016 09:50

Good response OP. I wonder if the best man set lots of others up and is now going through replying to all the "no thanks" replies right now!

Originalfoogirl · 30/05/2016 09:56

So he's not close enough to be invited to the wedding, but is close enough to be invited on week long "stag do"? And for them to pay for the flights because they really want him there?

That's just weird. Does sound like numbers are low.