DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

I feel sorry for both of you and I think some time alone together will do you good.

Try to think past what he's told you and focus on who is is now. Talk to him about why he hid it. I fully suspect that if he came back home and didn't tell anyone about it all then perhaps he's blocked it out and not dealt with it.

The drugs debt stuff - the morally corrupt stuff - I work for the Police, I can imagine the kind of stuff he may be referring to. I also know that these drug dealers can be terrifying and this can lead to people doing things they would never ever normally do in fear for their safety or someone else's safety. Talk to him about it if you can. I suspect he has only given you small details, but if he can explain more then perhaps it might help... but that's if he's able to.

Try to remember that people change, but also the person he was during that time might never have even been the true him. Drugs do awful things to people and so do those who you associate with.

You are right to be shocked and reeling, but I do think more time together to process this will help a lot.

Maybe the problem is that if you met him today and he was the person he was before he met you, you wouldn't give him the time of day. Yet here you are, you've thrown your lot in with him, you have children together. Now you're trying to reconcile your image of the man you love with someone you might not have even liked, back in the day. I don't think that's an unreasonable response to the news.

I am not so sure he is traumatised. Maybe he got a reality check when the GF died, family all came, money suddenly looked very real, the people looking for it not at all sympathetic - the bubble burst and he decided to draw a line under it all and move on in a different direction. Maybe it bothers you that he can just walk away from something like that. But then the flippancy adds another layer to this. Why is he flippant? How could he sit down and reason that he didn't really love the dead gf?

Maybe the reason he tried to separate himself from that part of his life was that he walked away from a side of him that he couldn't face? Did he feel guilt about the dead gf? He had ended the relationship after all. Did he feel disgust about the addiction?

All sorts of questions.

I agree you and he need to go and get tested for a lot of drug-related medical issues.

I'm sorry you've had such a shock, we all have a past and when many of us look back there things we've said/done for which we feel shame or sadness. If this girl hadn't been in a relationship with your husband it would've been someone else, there was a history of heroin so it's not as though he introduced her to a drug habit.

Many men compartmentalise things - sometimes it's the only way to move forward from something so tragic. Ask yourself if you have anything about the past that you've kept secret - what would you do if you'd been in his shoes? Maybe you'd have kept it quiet too.

This was in his past so ask yourself if you really want to throw away your shared history. You have a good marriage, at the moment you're reeling from shock and it's still raw. Allow yourself time to grieve for your lost illusion. Then your marriage can be rebuilt from a more mature perspective and you can put this memory where it belongs - behind you.

I had a terrible late teens. Some really bad shit went on. I have been married for 15 years and no one knows.

I don't expect dh to tell me everything he did before we met. In fact I suspect he did do drugs from what people have said. But he now has the same stance on drugs that I do, hasn't done them since before we got together and I trust him not to do it again. So don't need to know. What happened before we got together doesn't matter.

We all have pasts. We might be ashamed, find it hard to talk about, just want to forget it.

The key part of the whole thing is that he has tried to distance himself from his past - he isn't that man anymore. I've done shit in my past I'm not proud of but I'm not that woman anymore - she is utterly different from who I am. Is no one allowed to have made mistakes in their past? Is no one allowed to feel trauma at things that have happened? Don't throw away a wonderful relationship based on your current judgement of a man who no longer even exists.

He's overcome addiction which is an incredibly difficult thing to do. If this was his way of making sure he stayed cleah then he was more reasonable not telling you.

Also if you were to 'get some space' who would be leaving?

Would he have to leave because of something he did years ago before you met, or would you leave?

I've been with DH for about 13 year now. He's older than me by twenty years. About five years ago one of his mates said something to me about him being done for drink driving many years ago. I asked dh, yep it happened forever ago, was two pints at lunch, Woman hit him, police turned up and both breathalysed. He got banned for 6 months. He also, I found out hung out with a group of people who definite wouldn't be my cup of tea and there were some "altercations" between rival gangs which weren't pleasant. (And probably more accepted in the 80's)I probably don't know all of it and if I'm honest I don't want too. I'm just quite honest in saying if I'd have met him 30 years ago I wouldn't have been remotely interested in him, as things are he's actually fun, loving and a brilliant dad. I just accept he has a past.

I can understand your feelings.

Imagine he had told you when he'd just met you.

Imagine you knew this person you had just met had 18months previously had a serious drug problem, a girlfriend who had overdosed on heroin (I assume), and horrible drug debt etc.

Would you have continued seeing him? Would you have contemplated sharing your finances etc with him
long term?

It's highly unlikely.

And he knew that.

That's why he kept it a secret. Not because it's a traumatic experience he's buried in a box.

And from his perspective at the time ... is 18months clean really long enough for an addict to know he'd never do it again?

Fast forward to now: I'd feel as if he'd gambled with my life a bit. Selfishly stacked the odds in his favour regardless of how devastating it would be if he'd relapsed. I'd be feeling I'm seriously lucky things didn't go pear shaped and my life was altogether totally scarily different.

At the very least I'd be feeling he should have told me this before marriage. (And I don't think this secret is anything like abuse or rape as others have alikened it to here.)

I'd be wondering how much I could trust him to put me and our kids first in the future if anything came up where he had to choose between himself and us.

I do think his secret reveals something about him.

HOWEVER - you HAVE had ten years. And it has been OK. You have to weigh it all up and give it a lot of thought. YANBU to want time to process this. And I am sorry for what you're experiencing. I'd have been very shocked too.

I think you're in shock so your current feelings are obviously affected by that. If your relationship is otherwise strong and happy, hopefully you'll be able to process this and all thoughts of separating will fade. I think it's understandable for you feel like there's a 'side' to your DH that you didn't know about, and this must be very unsettling.

I'd proceed with caution now; rather than talking in terms of separation - think more about taking some time to yourself (as well as talking with DH) to process all of this. If he's tried to put this all behind him it must be quite scary and upsetting for him too.

I just think, if this is the only issue, it's not something to end a good relationship over. But if, after taking some time to think and talk it over, you really can't get past it, maybe the next step is couples counselling?

Good luck OP . Sorry if I've waffled or just repeated what someone else has said!

I've been with my husband 10 years, married for 5...I know hints of his background doing coke etc, also being a ladies man but have never felt the need to know about any of it. People do grow up and change OP. I don't see how seperating now, over stuff he didn't tell you about before you met, makes any sense really.

Miso104 - YES. Thank you. Look, I found it hard to have empathy and comfort him because he genuinley seemed flippant. He made it sound like he was a stupid kid straight out of uni who got caught up in a mess. He had no remorse for the girl and was traumatised because it nearly ruined his very now successful life. Never once did he mention the girl with any affection or guilt or sadness in his voice. It's like she was just a relevant part of the story and thats it. He didn't look upset when he was telling me AT ALL. Sorry for not going into detail but this has been like a blur for me.
Some posters have noticed my updates and some haven't.

Call me paranoid because I didn't want to say certain things that went down on mumsnet but when they were high him and her did some nasty things when money was running around and they were at their worst.

There is so much more than this but the reason they broke up and he freaked out is because they had just started trying crack together (she had always been on it and introduced him to it) and one weekend they ran out he freaked out was convinced she was hiding some (crack does that) and beat the shit out of her then goes off for more once he realises she doesnt have any. He gets some more they share it the next morning she wants more money he's run out so she freaks out breaking shit saying he raped her, the nieghbours call the police he gets arrested and spends 2 nights in a cell coming down. He had a really good job and it was a wakeup call. Didnt ask for details just sat there as he was telling me these stories shell shocked.

Sorry if i wasnt clear when I mentioned it in the OP: some nasty stuff went down when he was on drugs with this girl which sent me reeling and rocked my perception of who he is. Yes we all have a past but we also have the comfort of knowing there are certain things our spouses just wouldn't do!!! I don't see whats wrong with that.

He did some horrid things to pay off the debt, shit you wouldn't forgive being done to you if the police said "have some empathy the perpetrator was on drugs / had debt"

I really agree with some of you who I I'm making it about me. I am and for that I'm wrong. I think I'd be reacting better if he was a little less callous about the whole thing. Maybe that callousness is down to trauma. Or maybe I married a spoilt rich kid who fucked up in new york came home to mummy and daddy and said phew glad thats over and continued with his life. I'm not being cold just honest.....a little bit of me feels that way. If any of you have thoughts on that I'd really appreciate it. Something isn't right.

Thank you all so much for your honestly ......I genuinley am find to have my arse handed to me this is serious and if i'm wrong I need to know so I can fix it

Thanks again for everyone who said I am BU - You gave me another perspective

Thanks for all those who said im not BU - your empathy lifted a load.

I can see this is a lot to take on board OP. Really heavy stuff. Having seen your last update I can see why you need some time away to process it all. What a shock.

Shadow1986 I just want a little space. That's all. I dont mean a legal situation or him even taking stuff. Perhaps me taking the kids to me mum for the week of half term

I agree with cakeycakeface. That this would have been a calculated decision on the DH's part all those years ago, and that he took a gamble given he couldn't possibly be sure that eighteen months on he would be able to stay clean.

This isn't about everyone having a past. This is about people having the right to know what kind of person they are getting involved with. If the OP had posted here that she had been seeing a lovely guy for the past couple of months and that he had just revealed that just eighteen months ago he'd found his girlfriend dead in her flat, that he was actually a drug addict, and that there was serious drug debt and everything associated with that (possible violence, criminal activity, etc) and she was wondering whether to continue the relationship would people be telling her to not be so judgemental? I don't think so.

Ironically I think that people would be more judgemental if the man had revealed ten years on that he'd had an affair than the fact that he was a drug addict with a possible criminal and/or violent past and a girlfriend who he found dead who he never loved anyway.

Really surprised that people think all this is just part of a past and that withholding this kind of stuff is ok.

Mummymalta just wanted to add that none of your posts make you look cold or shallow. Far from it!

Xposts op. . I suspected that there was probably violence involved, but I also suspect that the posters telling you not to be so judgemental probably have more connection and tolerance of drug use than those who are understanding of your position.

So he beat up and raped his girlfriend but apparently this was all under the influence of drugs? and he told you this stuff with no remorse, no emotion, just as if it was something which happened to someone else?

TBH, in his head it probably did happen to someone else, as he feels he's not the person he was then. But honestly? It would be a deal breaker for me.

There are pasts, and then there are pasts. And this one would spell the end of my marriage. Ten years of a lovely man or not. to you OP.

I thought I posted on this thread but it's vanished!
Op, the drugs and dead ex I wouldn't expect to be told but if he committed any violent acts against people, that would probably be a deal breaker for me. If the nasty stuff you don't want to talk about is physical violence, then that's a very different thing than if he ran up a load of debt to fund a coke habit and then his folks paid it off etc.

Fraggled I thought everyone would catch my drift when I said some horrid stuff went down when they were on drugs but maybe not.
I'm talking prostitiution, beating, rape accusations (which have rocked my fucking world) stealing and doing disgusting things to friends, telling disgusting lies to get money, setting people up to make things look real to avoid getting caught. One set up went wrong and someone got hurt. To this day they don't know DH is responsible
When I say grim I mean grim im not being dramatic.
Someone here mentioned their husband was in a gang - I was raised in a very rough part of London and if my DH was involved with some of the shit I witnessed as a part of gang life (sexually assaulting school girls on the estate after school, cutting the face of anyone who looked at them the wrong way, stabbing people who "disrespected them", racist attacks on 4 families daily, kidnapping etc.... ) I'm sorry I'd never look at him the same.

OP, to me, it simply comes down to this. Think about his character and personality. Does he have empathy and true feelings in his day to day interactions or, analysed, is his personality actually the person he was then? If he has genuinely changed, is great with the DCs, has empathy for people less fortunate etc. (basically the person you see him as and would want him to be) then you can put a hell of a lot of his behaviours back then down to the drugs. If on the other hand, actually you can see that the drug thing and the couldn't give a shit about the dead girl thing is like him, normal for him and the 'rich kid not giving a damn' personality is his real personality, then you have a problem and this recent stuff has peeled your eyes to this. I fully understand where you are coming from with this. I have been in a similar situation and made myself turn my head towards the problem and look at it square. Analysed, I realised I had been wrong about someone I had been with for four years but the froth and bubble of it had kept me from seeing what others may have seen much earlier and I got out and it was a precious lesson learned.

Christ almighty, YANBU! Nor are you 'making it all about yourself', I'd be reeling in your shoes too. I'd find it very difficult to reconcile the image of the kind man I knew with someone who talked about a dead ex he beat the shit out of so callously.

Whaaaat? He took drugs well over a decade ago when he was young, and had a terrible experience. But is now clean and you have a happy, stable marriage. And you're thinking of separating from him because... why, exactly?

I get that you feel he's hidden this from you, but you sound a wee bit sheltered to be honest. He's not a different man just because he once made a silly mistake and got hooked on an addictive substance. Addicts aren't some sub-category of human being to be condemned and shunned - they are people.

With every update from you I feel less and less sympathetic to your DH and agree that you deserve and need some space from him. Do what you feel you need to, this USA lot to get past. I'm not sure I could.

How out of character is it? Do you see glimpses of that old behaviour now? The selfishness and anger of a drug addict? Perhaps at a low level but now you see it as a bigger thing because you know where he can end up with it?

Sorry for typo. Should say this is a lot to get past.